7 Habits of Highly Effective People Flashcards
What we see…
depends on our mental map: what is vs what should be
It also depends on what we seek (our desires and motivations)
We don’t see the world as it is, we
See the world as we are (the way we’ve been conditioned)
if you show one side of the room a flashing photo of a young woman, and the other side of an old woman, and then show both sides a composite of both photos, most will say it’s the one they were conditioned to see. When you have the communicate, they worked together to see both sides
the fasted way to install a new paradigm in someone is to
ask them to change their role: if you have a student become the teacher for a lesson, they then become a better student
Principles are the __, values are the __
territory / map
When we value correct principles, we value truth, things as they are. Principles are guidelines for human conduct proven to have enduring, fundamental, self-evident value.
Borrowing strength builds __ by __
weakness by making them dependent, and it builds weakness in the relationship, fear replacing cooperation; example: you borrow strength when you resort to force to influence someone
Kids will often share something once they
feel like what they have is theirs; a kid with a new toy doesn’t want to share because they haven’t made it their own yet ((so don’t let kids open presents etc when other kids are around, wait until after the party))
The way we see the problem
is the problem;
The more people look for quick fixes to their problems,
the more those quick fixes contribute to the problem
Trying to achieve maximum efficiency through independence
is like trying to play tennis with a golf club: the tool is not suited to the reality
__ is far more mature and advanced that independence.
Interdependence;
If you are physically interdependent, you are self-reliant and capable, but you also realize you can achieve far more by working with others. If you are emotionally interdependent, you derive self-worth from yourself, but you also realize the need for love, giving, and intimacy. If you are intellectually interdependent, you realize you need the best thinking of other people to challenge and join with your own. You connect deeply and meaningfully with others.
__ is a choice only __ people can make
Interdependence / Independent
Between stimulus and response lies…and in that __
our power to choose
And in that choice, our degree of happiness.
No matter what others do to you,
you choose your mind set.
between stimulus and response, we have
- self-awareness
- imagination (ability to create our reality)
- conscience (deep awareness of right and wrong, the principles that govern our behavior)
- integrity (our sense to which the degree of our thoughts and actions are in harmony with these principles)
- independent will (the ability to act based on our self awareness, free of all other influences)
Because of these unique human endowments (found between stimulus and response),
we can rewrite our programming and choose how we respond
Our greatest power:
The freedom to choose
Being proactive means:
more than taking initiative, it means we are responsible for our own lives.
Our behavior is a function of our __, not our __
decisions, not our conditions
Reactive people are affected by their
physical environment, the weather, external conditions,
Proactive people carry their own
conditions with them, their own weather.
Proactive people choose to
react to a stimulus with a value-based, intentional response
The greatest harm is the __ in response to __
hurt we do to ourselves in response to the harm we perceive to be done to us by others
Begin with:
the end in mind.
Create your __; based on __
center: based on principles, not your spouse, kids, groups, work, money, enemies, etc
By centering our life on correct principles, universal, timeless and self-evident,
we create a solid foundation for four life-support factors. Our security comes from the fact that correct principles do not change, unlike that based on other centers. Principles don’t react to anything, don’t get mad or behave like humans.
Your paradigm center is the source from which
all your choices, attitudes and behaviors flow.
If your boss needs you to work late, but you have plans with your wife for a concert, a spouse center will make you want to go to the concert to please your wife, or you’re worry about your wife will having to work, or if you’re pleasure centered you don’t care about the work you want to enjoy the concert, or if your enemy centered you’ll stay to beat out that colleague you hate, if you’re money centered you’ll stay for the hours and the good look for promotion etc.
A principle center will try to take in
all factors for consideration and make the choice that needs to be made.
You’re not making the decision based on pressures, but factually and knowledgeably.
Your decision is based on predictable, long term results. What you choose contributes to your ultimate values in life. Interdependently, you’ll communicate your decision to your wife and your boss.
Forms of programming:
affirmation and visualization
A good affirmation has 5 ingredients:
personal, positive, present-tense, visual, emotional
Without involvement,
there’s no commitment.
For businesses, involve your employees in your mission
Habit 1:
Be proactive
Habit 2:
Begin with the end in mind
Habit 3:
Put first things first
Habit 3 is the natural emergence of the first two because
Putting first things first is the exercise of independent will towards being principle centered, the day in day out doing it
Time management means
you organize and execute around priorities
Manage time by spending more time with __ and less with __, because__
Important problems / and less with urgent problems because you learn to prevent the urgent.
Successful people are __ minded, not __
Opportunity minded, not problem-minded
See problems as opportunities to explore, such as making a business that solves that problem for others
You can be efficient with __, not __. Give __, don’t __
Things, not people.
Give people their time, don’t treat them like things.
How the first three habits work together:
If habit 1 says you’re the programmer, and habit 2 says write the program, then habit 3 says run the program.
Live the program.
Deposit 1: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Understand the other person.
When you spend time together, what might be a deposit for you might not be one for the other. Know what he/she likes. Make what is important to them as important to you as the other person is to you.
Deposit 2: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Tend to the little things.
As these are the big things.
Our tendency is to project from our own __ what we think __
notes on deposit 1
autobiographies what we think other people want or need (projecting our intentions on the behavior of others)
If you do something nice for someone in front of another person,
(notes on deposit 2)
Make sure you do something nice for the other person, or let them know you’d do the same for him if he was in that situation.
For example, you could take your little kids out for a great night, but at the end when you wrap your coat around one that is cold, the other might be hurt and not talk to you before bed, wanting to know if you’d do the same for him or her.
We’re all more or less the same, all with a heart, even below the most rugged exterior.
Deposit 3: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Keep commitments.
Peeping a promise is a major deposit, breaking one is a major withdrawal.
Deposit 4: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Clarify expectations:
Clearly communicate
notes on deposit 4
roles, jobs, goals, desires, needs, expectations etc
In the beginning, get all
notes on deposit 4
expectations clear and explicit, spending time early to save much more time later
Deposit 5: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Show personal integrity
Integrity includes but goes far beyond honesty.
__ is conforming our words to reality. __ is conforming reality to our words.
__ is doing __
(notes on deposit 5)
Honesty / Integrity
Integrity is doing what we say we will, keeping promises, fulfilling expectations
Build __ by being __ to those who aren’t present. In doing so, we __
(notes on deposit 5)
integrity / loyal.
In doing so, we gain the trust of those who are present
How you treat any one person is:
notes on deposit 5
Seen as how you treat anyone, everyone
Deposit 6: (Of 6 Major deposits that build the emotional bank account):
Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal
It takes a great deal of character strength
notes on deposit 6
to apologize quickly and from your heart.
A person must have __ and __ to __
notes on deposit 6
deep values and sense of security to genuinely apologize
An insecure person can’t or finds it difficult to apologize because __, thinking they’ll __, and others __.
Their security is based on:
(notes on deposit 6)
He feels it will make him vulnerable, thinking they’ll appear soft and weak, and that others may take advantage of their weakness.
Their security is based on the opinions of others, and they worry what others might think
People will forgive __, but people will not easily forgive __, such as __
(notes on deposit 6)
mistakes of the mind, miscommunications, perceptions, misjudgments
but people will not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, such as repeated insincere apologies for the same thing, not admitting mistakes, bad motives and intentions, prideful stubbornness.
When we love others __, we help them feel __, which helps them __.
Their __ is __, free to act on __
unconditionally / secure, safe, validated in their essential worth / live a more fulfilling life
Their natural growth process is encouraged, free to act on their own inner imperatives.
When we violate the primary laws of __, attaching __ , we encourage others __
love / strings and conditions to that gift / to violate the primary laws of life
Parents, see your children’s problems as __., instead of __.
an opportunity to build a relationship, instead of negative, burdensome irritations.
It changes the nature of their interactions
See other people’s problems as
opportunities to build a relationship, even if you want to keep it as a weak tie.
Anytime someone expresses a problem, think of how you can solve it for them ((while remembering that sometimes people just want to talk about their problems, and don’t want your solutions))
Try to see other people’s problems not as __, but as __
not as “oh no, another problem,” but as an opportunity to understand the person and invest in the relationship
Win-win paradigm:
A frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. All parties are satisfied. It’s cooperation over competition.
Win-lose paradigm
I win, you lose.
In leadership style, this is the authoritarian approach
Most things are __. How can you __ in a __
notes on paradigms
Most thing are interdependent.
How can you win in a relationship? If the relationship fails you both lose ((depends on context and motives though))
Lose-win paradigm:
These people __
losing / letting others win or take advantage of you, ingratiating, people pleasing, letting others always go first.
Losing yourself to win the favor of others.
Lose-win people bury a lot of emotions, anger, sadness, wrath, cynicism
Win-Lose paradigm:
You win, others lose.
More successful than lose-win, which is weak and chaotic from the outset, but many people cycle through both as they feel the need, from the indulgence and cowardice of lose-win to the inconsideration of win-lose
Lose-lose paradigm:
when two win-lose people take each other down;
Such as a husband ordered by the divorce judge to sell his belongings and give half his belongings to his ex wife. So the husband goes and sells his $10k car for $50, and gives his wife $25. Does the same with the house, etc.
((Character who does this and spouse says “congratulations, we both lose.” And the main character smiles. “No, I have the skills to make more money. What do you have?”))
Each paradigm has it’s place: Win-lose for __. Lose-win for __. Win-win for __.
Win-lose for: sports, competitions, or fighting for family or needs, life and death.
Lose-win when you value the relationship over the thing.
Win-win for most things.
((lose-lose when you’re the type who loss doesn’t affect much in the first place, so the other losing is win-enough for you))
In business, especially, win-lose will:
win you short-term success, but will come back to beat you in the end, as word spreads or you become more obsessed with winning at any cost
Win-win or no deal:
Whether in business or with friends, make the deal only if everyone wins, otherwise do your own thing.
Win-win begins with __, then moves toward __, out of which flows __, nurtured in __
Win-win begins with character, then moves toward relationships, out of which flow agreeements, nurtured in an environment where structures and systems are based on win-win
Win-win doesn’t think in __. Win-Win thinks that __ and __ is __.
This type of thinking is __
think in insecure dichotomies;
Win-win thinks that kind AND tough is twice as tough.
This type of thinking the basis of maturity.
Character has three essential traits:
Integrity, maturity, and abundance.
Maturity:
The balance between courage and consideration.
While courage deals with getting the golden egg, consideration deals with the long-term welfare of the other stakeholders.
Habit 4:
Win-Win
Abundance mentality:
paradigm that there is plenty out there for everyone
Scarcity mentality:
Life only has so much to offer (and in the past this was very true because of limited basic resources).
This mentality is the zero-sum game of life.
People with the scarcity mentality have __. It’s like __
trouble sharing recognition and credit when they succeed, as well as sharing power or profit, and have a hard time being genuinely happy for the successes of other people, even of friends or family.
It’s like something is being taken from them when someone else receives special recognition or had a big win or achievement.
(outwardly they seem like they’re happy for you, but inwardly they’re eating their hearts out).
A person with a scarcity mentality derives sense of worth from __ and someone else’s __
Being compared to others, and someone else’s success takes away from their own success.
To some degree it means they’re a failure
Scarcity mentality people will often wish __
other successful people in their lives will encounter an acceptable misfortune to help them get ahead or keep others in their place
It is difficult for scarcity people to be members of a complementary team because __. They prefer __
they look at differences as signs of consternation and disloyalty.
They prefer yes-men and people who won’t challenge them.
The abundance mentality flows out of a deep sense of __.
It results in __
personal worth and security.
It results in sharing prestige, recognition, profit, which opens up possibilities, options and creativity.
The abundance mentality recognizes the unlimited possibilities for
positive interactive growth and development
Empathic listening helps you __.
__ before you __ to
turn conversations from transactional to transformational.
Reflect before you respond to see where people are really coming from.
(Often people make the transformation themselves when they see you’re really listening, not approaching them from your autobiography with examples from your life, but with reflection and insight)
Children want to be open with their parents, and they they will if
they feel the parent won’t judge or ridicule them.
People resent manipulation, so affirming:
your motive genuinely when you try something new, showing that you care, helps people resolve the old image they have of you:
“I realize I haven’t listened to you in the past as deeply as I should, so I read a book on how to listen and I’d like to try what I learned with you.”
Habit 5:
Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
When you can present your ideas __, __, __, and most importantly, __, accounting for other people’s __ and __, you significantly __
clearly, visually, succinctly and most importantly, contextually, accounting for others’ paradigms and concerns, you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas
clearly, visually, succinctly and most importantly, contextually, accounting for others’ paradigms and concerns, you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.
When you seek to understand others before selling your idea, you __.
You’re presenting __
aren’t wrapped up in the soapbox genius of your idea, and you understand how the idea can help them.
You’re presenting the facts you genuinely believe in, taking in all known perspectives and beliefs
((It’s not about the idea, it’s about the solution it offers.))
When you seek first to understand, you deeply understand other people, and:
you have accurate information to work with, you get to the heart of the matter quickly, you build up emotional bank accounts, and you give people the psychological air they need so they can work together effectively
When you really listen, you become __, and being __ is the key to __
Because you really listen, you become influenceable, and being influenceable is the key to influencing others
When you understand, you can __, rather than __
When you understand, you can preempt problems, rather than clean up afterwards
Habit 6:
Synergize
All the prior habits work up to synergy.
(principles of creative cooperation)
The whole is greater than its parts.
Synergy
Each relationship the parts have to each other is __.
A __ doesn’t __.
(The whole is greater than its parts)
a part in and of itself.
A bundle of sticks doesn’t break.
(plants planted next to each other grow entangle their roots and improve the soil)
The essence of synergy is to __, building on __ and compensating for __.
value and celebrate differences, building on strengths and compensating for weaknesses
Synergistic communication:
when you communicate synergistically, you open your heart and mind and expressions to new possibilities, alternatives, options
With synergistic communication, you fulfill habit 2, because
you begin with the belief that the parties involved will gain more insight, and that the excitement of that mutual learning and insight will serve as momentum toward more and more insights, learnings and growth
Most people aren’t yet open to habit 6 because
they feel unsafe, judged, etc
When synergy takes hold,
the atmosphere of trust and safety convinces people they can share and be open
Seek not to imitate the __, but __ what they __.
Seek not to imitate the masters, but seek what they thought.
(For example, don’t imitate gurus or the Buddha, seek what they were seeking. “Knowing” what people tell you is different from realizing what you know)
When at an impasse or disagreement,
create a culture in which both people, or the entire party, are sincerely working for the best for both
The essential strength of a relationship is in
having another view.
Sameness isn’t creative, but working together from different perspectives helps people create the new.
Manage from the __, lead from the __
Manage from the left brain (logical), lead from the right brain (synergy, relationships, emotions, creativity)
When someone has a different perspective, say something like
“Good, you see it differently. Help me understand.”
Learn to want to communicate with others BECAUSE
they see it differently.
((It’s fun when you meet someone who shares the same ideas, you get excited, but what’s even more fun, if you know how to play, is finding the differences within that same-same, so you can both learn from each other, and even work together to create something new))
Habit 7:
Sharpen the saw.
(principles of renewal).
Habit 7 is the habit that:
makes all the other habits possible.
Habit 7, __, means exercising the four dimensions of our nature, the: __, __, __, and __
Sharpening the saw
the physical, spiritual, mental and emotional/social.
Habit 7 implies
you must invest in yourself:
Physical: exercise, take care of your health, eat good food
Spiritual: your center, core, draw on sources that inspire and uplift you, go into nature, go for walks.
Mental: Read, learn
Social/emotional: make time for people, feel how you feel
To communicate deeply,
communicate from the inside out.
