40 Year Old Virgin Flashcards
Look out motherfucker…. Oh come on.
You know how much time I waste on women? You know, I wanted to go to culinary school. I wanted to open up a restaurant. I was always so busy dipping my wick that I never even focused at all. And now that I’m celibate
You’re gonna open a restaurant?
Not really.
Yea…you didn’t even touch me man. “Flawless victory.”
But that’s about to change. I feel great.
You look really depressed.
I look great.
I’ve never seen you more miserable in my life.
I…Really, I feel like a new man.
You’re gonna kill yourself, aren’t you?
I feel like ten men.
How are you gonna do it when you do it?
You know what? You’re totally not listening to me here.
Are you gonna do it at work?
I’ve discovered a new lease on life…all because I don’t want to put penis in vagina.
Just don’t do it somewhere I’ll find you, cause that would be gross to have to see.
I am not going to kill myself.
Would you get run over by a car?
Head in the oven.
Does that even work, head in the oven?
I don’t know, isn’t that how people do it?
I feel like you just light your hair on fire
What the hell do you even know about that stuff?
I know about lots of stuff. I research everything because of my novel.
Do you write, like, gay detective stories?
Yea that’s funny. No, I’m writing a very hard hitting-
Are you writing one called Private Dick?
It is actually about the army.
That sounds gay.
It’s not gay, ok? It’s about a guy who wants to make his father happy. So he joins the military and he goes AWOL and travels America, running from the government and learning to love himself.
Yea, that sounds gay.
He actually does turn out to be gay. Could you tell just from the description that he turns out to be gay? Should I change that?
I think you can tell that the writer is gay.
That is not gay. It’s artistic. You’re gay.
You’re so gay.
You’re gay because Amy told me that you had trouble getting it up a few times.
You’re gay for saying that.
You’re the gay one.
You’re so gay.
You’re so fucking gay.
You, you’re so gay that…
Yeah?… You’re dead (game)
Just because I wear unstuffed construction boots…some really small jeans shorts and drink a lot of tea, doesn’t make me gay. Wanting to suck on your balls makes me gay.
That’s what makes you gay, yea.. Well I’m glad you figured that out. But even gay people aren’t celibate. You should just accept it and go with it.
I am going with the celibacy, I’m telling you man.
What does that mean?
It means I’m not having sex.
Well, can you masturbate?
Yeah you can masturbate.
Could you fuck, like, a couch or something?
I mean, I suppose you could and technically still be celibate.
That’s good.
But I’m not going to hump a couch.
Could you hump an ottoman?
I think that still falls under the couch category.
Could you, like fuck a melon? Could you cut a hole in a cantaloupe and do it?
You could do that too.
Could you fuck, like, a glove full of jelly?
Yea, you could fuck a glove. I mean, that’s just creepy.
