4. Understanding ourselves and others Flashcards
Examine and understand how empathy and compassion fit into nonviolent communication
What is the difference between emotional intelligence and empathy?
Emotional intelligence is the capability to understand the difference in feelings and behaviour between one’s self and others, and adjust to accomodate or compromise in a given situation.
Empathy is much more powerful and precious than that quality.
- “When someone really hears you without judging what you’re saying, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mould you, it feels damn good. You are able to perceive your world in a new way and go on.”*
- Marshall Rosenberg
When working in a hierarchically structured institution, how are you likely to hear words from people deemed “higher up” than yourself in that institution?
You’ll likely hear commands or judgements.
Instead, try empathically listening as you would do with peers or subordinates.
In any given situation, at what point does self-expression become easier?
When we empathise with others.
What does “don’t put your butt in the face of an angry person” actually mean?
Don’t use the word “but”. This is placing a judgement on what they’ve just said. Empathise and find the need.
What needs to be done when someone’s content becomes dry and they have lost connection with themselves?
Speak up immediately. They would want you to help.
Help them stop “on-and-on-and-on-onymous” conversation.
Bring the conversation to life.
When people give stories about their past in order to get empathy, they often don’t realise that’s what they’re looking for. What is a better way of using that story to get their need met?
Describing what is still alive in them now, about that experience.
When a presenter (or whoever is talking) is boring everybody, what is your best choice?
Considering they are likely bored themselves and now struggling, you can choose to interject tactfully.
The reason for self-deprecating and self-violent behaviour is a result of what?
Seeing yourself as an object full of shortcomings.
Self-deprecating and self-violent behaviour can be transformed into compassion, but how?
Changes in out moment-to-moment evaluation of ourselves. It is okay to do something less than perfect and you do not need verbally assault yourself when this happens.
You do not need to suffer for what you’ve done.
How do we avoid trying change life for the better but from the place of destructive motivational energies such as shame or guilt?
The changes need to be stimulated by a clear desire to enrich life, moment-by-moment, for ourselves and others.
Shame is a form of what?
Self-hatred.
If the way we evaluate ourselves allow us to feel shame, and we constantly change our behaviour, what is actually happening?
We are allowing our growing and learning to be guided by self-hatred.
In some situations, actions taken from reaction to shame can actually be free and joyful acts. True or false?
False (of course).
Even if our actions intended to be nice and pleasing, if shame or guilt are behind our actions, people will be less appreciative of them. What motivation is truer and would be more appreciated?
The motivation driven purely by the human desire to contribute to life.
The word “should” implies what?
There is no choice.
The word “should” is a threat to which human need?
The need for autonomy.
The word “should” (as in “I should really exercise this morning”), leads to what conflict of being?
It leads to the state of not behaving in harmony with one’s own needs.
You will naturally fight against a “should” because of the attack on your autonomy.
Evaluating ourselves in terms of whether or how well our needs that are being fulfilled leads to what desirable outcome?
We are likely to learn from the evaluation without losing self-respect.
When you are quick to judge and berate, what thought can help you?
What need of mine is not being met by this action?
To stimulate our mind toward getting a need met, what must we do?
Focus on that need. That is all.
Just as self-punishment is a destructive vioent behaviour, what constructive nonviolent behaviour can we use to nullify and correct it?
Self-forgiveness.
What is the most powerful aspect of self-forgiveness?
It can be done moment-by-moment, and it can be done retrospectively when replaying memories. This facilitates a quick move away from self-deprecating judgements and self-hatred.
What is the prerequisite for self-forgiveness?
An empathic connection must be made with ourselves.
You need to empathically hold both parts of yourself - the self that took the action and the self that regrets it.
Is it right to say that sometimes (like caring for family) we are duty-bound to carry out certain tasks?
Nope. And going further than that, there is an element of play in anything we do when our motivation is making life wonderful for ourself and others.
When does hard work, and eve scary work, have elements of play?
When the motivation behind it is to make life wonderful for ourself and others.
What happens to the joy in acts driven out of obligation, fear, guilt, or shame?
The joy in those acts will dissipate and you will eventually encounter resistence.
To what degree is it possible to do things only out of play?
To the degree we are being compassionate with ourselves
- “To the degree at which we engage moment by moment, in the playfulness of enriching life, motivated solely by the desire for its enrichment, to that degree we are being compassionate with ourselves. And life is play.”*
- Marshall Rosenberg
What are the two types of force (violence) that one can use?
1. Proective use of force.
2. Punitive use of force.
To correct a ‘bad’ situation via punishment, one must what?
- Suffer enough to see the error of their ways
- Repent
- Change their behaviour
Rather than correct a situation, what is punishment more likely to cause?
Resentment and hostility. And reinforce resistance to the behaviour you are seeking.
What does physical punishment achieve?
1. Hides the compassion behind why we want behaviour to change
2. Promotes a violent society
What are the two questions that when you ask yourself, demonstrate why punishment is not an effective way to get others to change their behaviour?
1. What do I want to do that is different than what he or she is doing?
2. What do I want this person’s reasons to be for them to do what I am requesting?
When in a state of conflict our adrenaline levels are raised, what is the outcome?
Anger.
What happens as we become truly angry?
We lose connection with ourselves.
If anger means that we become disconnected from ourselves, how can we make use of it?
We can use it as a sign to reconnect.
What is the first thing to do when feeling anger, to stop us from wanting to cause harm to (i.e. kill, beat, rape) another person?
Divorce the other person from any responsibility for causing our anger.
What is the cause of our anger?`
When we choose the option of finding fault. We play the role of punitive god by becoming the judge.
Our feelings are caused by our needs. True or false?
True. or example, if someone you know is being late and you’re left on your own waiting,
- when your need is to be doing something constructive, you will feel frustrated
- when your need is for solitude, you will feel relieved
- when your need is for reassurance that they care about you, you will feel hurt
Psychologically, what is anger the result of?
Life-long alienated thinking that is disconnected from our needs.
Is anger a feeling?
No. Anger is an emotion that is triggered from a feeling.
Emotions are what feelings mean.
When we are in touch with our need, we may have a strong feeling but it won’t be anger.
If we understand our needs and feelings, and we see how the other person is feeling and what their needs are, is it possible to feel anger towards them?
No.
All anger leads to violence in one form or other - true or false?
True.
All anger is born from a need not being met - true or false?
True. And because of this it can be used as an alarm clock and wake up to the need not being met.
“I’m angry because I need [xxx]” is okay.
“I’m angry because he [xxx]” is not.
Who is at fault, the liar or the person being lied to?
One to ponder. But why would someone want to be truthful with someone who judges and punishes?
If someone hears from us blame and punishment, what consequence is there?
The more defensive and aggressive they become, and the less they will care about our needs in the future.
Therefore, even if a present need is met by exposing and shaming someone, you contribute to violence on the planet in the long term.
