3. Feelings, needs, and gifts Flashcards
Making ourself clear as to what is alive in us, what our needs are, and how to frame requests for our needs to be met as gifts and not demands.
What is the relationship between your needs and your feelings?
Your feelings are attributed to your needs.
Or, your feelings are attributes of your needs.
Whichever you prefer.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I feel angry when you say that. My need for respect wasn’t met.”
Good because it expressed the feeling and need.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I’m grateful you offered me the ride because I really needed support while I’m getting everything ready for the party this evening”
Good because it expressed the feeling and need.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I feel frustrated when you come late.”
Bad because no need was expressed.
A correct expression would take the form “I feel frustrated when you come late because I’m needing […]”
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I’m sad that you won’t be over because I wanted to spend the evening together.”
Bad because no need is being expressed - spending the evening together is a strategy. A better example would be:
“I’m sad that you won’t be over for dinner tonight because my need is strong for connection and intimacy”
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I’m disappointed because you said you’d do it and you didn’t.”
Bad because after the disappointment is the word “you”, not “I”.
This is not taking responsibility for your feelings.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“Little things people say sometimes hurt me.”
Bad. There are no needs here and the responsibility of feelings is on other people.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I feel happy you won that award.”
Bad. Feelings are attributed to something happening outside themselves. They should have said the need that made them happy and got fulfilled through that winning of the award.
Why is the following statement a good or bad expression?
“I feel scared when you raise your voice that way.”
Bad. No need was expressed and without it the statement is blaming and putting the responsibility for feelings on the other person.
What is the difference between expressing a need and making a request?
A request is a reference to a specific person taking a specific action that we hope will meet our needs.
Needs contain no reference to specific people taking specific actions. They refer to the life within us that is being fulfilled or not fulfilled - the needs within.
Why do people think they need things like specific cars, obtaining a specific status, and many other “things”.
Cultural conditioning.
Given that the outcome of both making a request or a demand have the likelihood of improving our wellbeing, why do we see requests as preferable?
Requests are gifts that have the opportunity to improve the wellbeing of both parties, whereas demands are felt as a threat to one’s autonomy.
After we have expressed our observations, feelings, and needs to the other person, what follows next?
A statement telling them what we would like them to do to contribute to our wellbeing.
We do this using positive language, knowing what we want and not what we don’t want.
We also avoid vague, ambiguous phrasing (i.e. name a specific action rather than a vague behavioural attitude).
What is the consequence of thinking children should be seen and not heard, and in teaching them to be good little boys and girls and to be quiet?
They grow up not knowing how to effectively get their needs met.
What is the reward for being a good, quiet boy or girl who makes no fuss?
Depression.
If you have a need to be loved, what do you need to do?
Identify clearly what it is you need to request others to do, in order for them to help you fulfil your need.
Is there anything wrong when concerned parents thinks their son’s hair is too long and may get caught in his face when on his bike, saying “why not get a haircut?” in the hope it will prompt him to do so?
Yes, because their need for the boy’s safety wasn’t expressed.
Instead: “we’re worried your hair is so long that is will get in your face when you ride your bike. We have a need for your safety, how about getting a haircut?”
You will often want to make sure a request is heard properly. What simple question is best used to do this?
“Is what I said clear?”
When clarifying a request and having to repeat yourself, you stand a chance if it is done wrong of turning the request into a demand. When there is a misunderstanding, what words are are best to begin with when you start addressing it?
“Thanks for telling me back what you heard. I can see I didn’t do a good job of being clear on that …”
If in a group situation, you start talking and are not clear what you want back, what will happen?
Unproductive conversation will follow.
If in a group situation, and you see someone is talking without being clear what they want, how should you address it?
Speak up about the confusion regarding what is wanted from the story, and stop the time wasting.
When people reveive requests as demands, what are their two options?
- Submission
- Rebellion
The more we interpret non-compliance as rejection, what happens to complete a self-fulfilling prophecy?
The more our requests will turn into demands.
Which of these is good for meeting human needs?
“I would like you to set the table”
vs
“Would you be willing to set the table?”
The second one is good, the first is almost an order.
