4 State My Path

Question 1

PROBLEM: During crucial conversations, we say things in exactly the wrong way. The SOLUTION…

Answer 1

Learn five skills for saying risky things in a way that minimizes defensiveness.

Question 2

The “No Consequences” exercise

Answer 2

Think of a tough message you’d like to share with someone but haven’t because you think he or she would become defensive or upset. If you could say anything without consequences, what would you say?

Question 3

STATE my Path. S=

Answer 3

Share your facts. A “What” Skill.

Question 4

STATE my Path. T=

Answer 4

Tell your story. A “What” Skill.

Question 5

STATE my Path. A=

Answer 5

Ask for others’ path. A “What” Skill.

Question 6

STATE my Path. T=

Answer 6

Talk tentatively. A “How” Skill.

Question 7

STATE my Path. E=

Answer 7

Encourage testing. A “How” Skill.

Question 8

How do you “Share your facts”?

Answer 8

Start with what you see or hear. You may need to include how that differs from your expectations. This adds clarity (if it is not clear, it is unknown).

Question 9

What are examples of “Share your facts”?

Answer 9

“I noticed that…”
“The last three times we talked about this…”
“I was expecting to receive this at 3:00, and it’s now 4:00…”

Question 10

Four benefits of Starting with Facts…

Answer 10

1 - Facts are facts (least controversial)
2 - Facts are more persuasive
3 - Facts are the least insulting (share only what you’ve seen and heard, others are less likely to offend)
4- Feelings and stories often keep us from facts.

Question 11

How do you “Tell your story”?

Answer 11

Once you’ve mastered your story, it’s appropriate to share your story when the other person might be sure why the facts you’re sharing are a concern.

Question 12

What are examples of “Tell your story”?

Answer 12

“It leads me to conclude that…”
“I believe that…”
“I start to think that…”

Question 13

How do you “Ask for Others’ Paths”?

Answer 13

Once you’ve shared your facts and told your story, ask others to share. Be humble. Fill the pool.

Question 14

What are effective examples of “Ask for Others’ Paths”?

Answer 14

“How do you see it?”
“Can you help me better understand?”
“What’s your view?”

Question 15

What are ineffective examples of “Ask for Others’ Paths”?

Answer 15

“Isn’t that the case?”
“What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
“No one disagrees with that, do they?”

Question 16

How do you “Talk tentatively”?

Answer 16

Tell your story as a story, not as a fact.
Allow room for others’ stories to be shared.
Avoid absolutes.

Question 17

What are effective examples of “Talk tentatively”?

Answer 17

“In my opinion…”
“Maybe it would make more sense to…”
“I believe that what we should do is…”
“I’m wondering if that example applies to our company…”

Question 18

What are ineffective examples of “Talk tentatively”?

Answer 18

“The fact of the matter is…”
“That’s a dumb idea…”
“The only reasonable option is to…”
“If I agree with you, then we’d both be wrong.”

Question 19

How do you “Encourage testing?”

Answer 19

Remember your purpose: to get more meaning into the pool. If your goal is to convince, compel, or control, you’ll do a good job of speaking your mind and a poor job of encouraging others.