The Do's and Don'ts of Dating Flashcards
“The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right”
- marketed as a self-help guide for heterosexual women looking to secure a marriage with the man of their dreams
- book was declared regressive and anti-feminist
Scripts
- prescriptions for behaviour that outline appropriate dating and courtship practices for women and men
- Just as scripts provide film actors guidance for how to perform their roles on screen, so too do dating and sexual scripts provide social actors with broad outlines for how to behave romantically and sexually
- are rooted in gender essentialism
Sexual Script Theory
- people are taught what it means to be sexual and what defines a situation as sexual or sexualized
- these scripts differ across place, time, space and context, indicating that they are culturally and historically contingent, and always is flux
What do Dating Scripts tell us about how we behave in our romantic/sexual relations?
- dating scripts tell people how to behave in order to confidently move the relationship in a particular direction
- each person in the scenario knows the role they are expected to play and they can feel more comfortable in the knowledge that they are doing things the right way and making a good impression
How are men supposed to position themselves? or act in the relationship? How do women interpret this behavior?
- drawing on larger cultural scripts that position men to be agentic
- men are supposed to be initiators
- they ask for the first date, set the tone and pay for it, they often drive and make the first follow-up contact
- ex. if a man doesn’t pay, the woman would be interpret this as disinterest
What happen if a man fails to follow his “script”
- they can destabilize the relationship progression
- women hold men accountable to preform their roles in the socially acceptable way
Women’s Scripts, expectations for women behavior
- women learn that they are supposed to be in the passenger seat, rather than initiators
- she positions him at the centre of the relationship
- she has to encourage him and build him up
- what date he plans, she has to respond positively
What happens if woman fails to follow her script?
a woman’s assertiveness is associated with desperations, which is viewed as a turn-off
Sexual Double Standard for Heterosexual Women
- a persistent sexual double standard reflects the belief that whereas men are expected to want and pursue sex regardless of context, women should not be highly sexual, especially outside of a committed relationship
- Heterosexual women receive messages about the appropriate contexts in which to be sexual as well as how sexual behavior will be received in different situations - as as result, they have modified their behavior based on that they hope to achieve
- ex. Having sex right away is fine, it’s a one night stand - if she doesn’t really want a relationship with you
versus. Needing to withhold sex to be seen as a “relationship girl” - is less about the women’s feelings towards sex and more about how they experienced men’s reactions
Sexual double standard for Heterosexual Men
- they are able to have sex quickly without judgement, assumed to simply be fulfilling a biological imperative
- OR they could delay sex and then be viewed as especially chivalrous and desirable
What is the biggest difference displayed in queering the scripts from heterosexual scripts?
- queer scripts actively seek to counter heteronormative scripts
- Ex. if you’re interested in another individual, just ask them out
What impact did Queer politics have on queer script?
- LGBTQ people had the advantage of exposure to queer politics, allowing them to draw on alternative understandings on how to build relationships
- identify as queer to indicate an identity dedicated to making life choices distinct from those considered more socially expected, celebrated and sanctioned
Under Queer Scripts, when is it expected to have sex?
- Have sex when you feel comfortable
- Depends on situation
- No expectation when exactly to have sex
With queer script, how much experience is too much?
-Someone’s past is irrelevant
- Or seen as an asset because experience is experience
Queer Alternative Scripts
- scripts intended to subvert normative constructions of intimate life, but which are also informed understandings of good and bad sexual practices
