"The Courage to be Disliked" by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga Flashcards
What is the separation of tasks?
Understand what is your task and what belongs to others. Stop trying to please everyone; focus on your own actions and feelings.
How can you stop being a people-pleaser?
Recognize that you cannot control others’ feelings or perceptions. Your task is to be true to yourself.
What is the concept of ‘life-lie’?
It’s the false narrative you tell yourself to avoid life challenges. Acknowledge it to move forward.
How to deal with the desire for recognition?
Understand that the desire for recognition is a societal construct. You don’t need others’ validation to be happy.
What is ‘contribution to others’?
Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of social contribution without expecting anything in return.
How can you stop worrying about how others see you?
Realize that people are more concerned with themselves; they don’t think about you as much as you believe.
How to deal with feelings of inferiority?
Turn feelings of inferiority into a striving force for improvement, rather than a reason to seek validation.
What is the ‘courage to be disliked’?
It’s the courage to be true to yourself, even if it means not meeting others’ expectations or risking disapproval.
How to deal with parental expectations?
Recognize that your life is your own, and you’re not in this world to live up to your parents’ expectations.
What is the concept of ‘here and now’?
Focus on the present moment and what you can do now, rather than being trapped by past experiences or future worries.
How to stop being controlled by past experiences?
Understand that the past doesn’t dictate your future. You have the freedom to choose your actions now.
What is ‘self-acceptance’?
Accept yourself, warts and all, without needing validation from ‘father figures’ or anyone else.
How to deal with conflict?
See conflict as an opportunity for growth and be honest in your interactions, even if it’s uncomfortable.
What is ‘horizontal relationships’?
Adlerian psychology encourages seeing others as equals, not as people to please or seek validation from.
How to build genuine connections?
Be interested in others without the motive of being liked in return.
How to deal with criticism?
See criticism as someone else’s task, not yours. Your task is to decide how you want to handle it.
What is ‘unconditional self-worth’?
Believe in your intrinsic value, regardless of external validation or achievements.
How to be more assertive?
Express your needs and wants honestly, without worrying about what others will think.
How to stop seeking approval?
Recognize that seeking approval is a never-ending cycle. Break it by focusing on your own values.
What is ‘holistic interest’?
Take an interest in others as whole beings, not as a means to get validation.
How to deal with fear of rejection?
Understand that rejection is not a reflection of your worth but a mismatch of needs or expectations.
What is ‘self-reliance’?
Trust your abilities and judgments without needing the crutch of others’ approval.
How to deal with guilt from not meeting expectations?
Recognize that you’re not responsible for others’ feelings or expectations. Your task is to live according to your own principles.
What is ‘living in earnest’?
It means living authentically and taking actions that align with your values, not to please others.
How to deal with the need to be ‘useful’ to be valued?
Understand that your worth is not tied to your ‘usefulness’ to others.
What is ‘freedom and responsibility’?
You are free to make your choices, but you’re also responsible for those choices.
How to deal with the fear of change?
Recognize that fear of change often stems from fear of losing external validation. Embrace change as a path to personal growth.
How to stop comparing yourself to others?
Understand that each person has their own tasks and challenges. Focus on your own journey.
What is ‘objective judgment’?
Evaluate situations and actions without the bias of needing to be liked.
How to deal with feelings of inadequacy?
Acknowledge them as natural but don’t let them dictate your actions or need for validation.
How to say ‘no’?
Practice saying ‘no’ without feeling guilty. It’s an essential skill for setting boundaries.
What is ‘excessive self-consciousness’?
It’s the excessive concern with how you’re viewed by others. Counter it by focusing on your own tasks and contributions.
How to deal with the fear of being alone?
Recognize that being alone is preferable to compromising yourself to be liked.
What is ‘living in line with one’s convictions’?
It means making choices based on your own values, not societal expectations or the desire for approval.
How to deal with resentment?
Understand that resentment often comes from the perception that you’re not getting the validation you ‘deserve.’ Focus on your own actions instead.
How to deal with the fear of failure?
See failure as an opportunity to learn, not as a blow to your need for external validation.
How to deal with the fear of success?
Recognize that fear of success is often tied to fear of increased expectations and the need for continued validation. Success is your task alone.
What is ‘mutual respect’?
It’s the foundation of healthy relationships, where both parties see each other as equals.
How to deal with the fear of confrontation?
Understand that confrontation is not about winning approval but about expressing your own standpoint.
How to deal with the need for control?
Recognize that this need often stems from insecurity and the desire for external validation. Focus on what you can control—your own actions and attitudes.
