Separation

Question 1

What is the typical presentation of a client dealing with separation?

Answer 1

alone - the rejectee
emotionally upset
confused
has demonstrated pursuing behavior
desperately wants the spouse to return

Question 2

What does the client presenting during separation need?

Answer 2

Hope and support
Understanding—embracing “readiness”
Differentiation—control vs. influence
Direction—bringing order out of chaos

Question 3

What are the three reasons spouses leave?

Answer 3

Pulled out
pushed out
put out

Question 4

Define the “pulled out” spouse

Answer 4

left b/c there was something better - job, person, wanted a different life, going after something specific

Question 5

describe the ‘pushed out’ spouse

Answer 5

thinks there has to be something better; not necessarily anything in particular; lots of disagreements; didn’t want to do it anymore

Question 6

describe the ‘put out’ spouse

Answer 6

asked to leave (typically wants to get back at any cost)

Question 7

What are the 3 responses to a partner’s departure?

Answer 7

1. Pursue after him/her
2. Immediately divorce him/her
3. “Let him/her go” [our focus]

Question 8

What are the 6 steps of “letting go” as an intervention strategy?

Answer 8

1 Take a stand (reaffirm love and spouse’s need for space)
2 Back off (let go w/ actions)
3 Structure the separation—the “rules” (when/how to interact)
4 Cease protecting partner (balance self/other)
5 Take control of self (boundaries, support network, personal responsibilities)
6 Determine your expectations (define marital health, objectively view marriage partner’s return)

Question 9

Interferences to letting him or her go

Answer 9

1. Troubling questions - am I giving up?
2. Troublesome emotions - loneliness / anger
3. troublesome thoughts - could have done better
4. sexual issues - win back w/ sex
5. ploys/manipulations - motivated by dependency
6. extended family - differentiate, expect it and prepare
7. vulnerability - higher risk for affairs