Scene 5 Flashcards
ERIC SWERDLOFF
I was running from window to window, peeking out between the boards.
Nothing to the north. Nothing to the west. But there were two near the porch. And a shitload coming from the east. I pass by the bedroom. Which I guess had its own entrance. Which I guess the hippie didn’t secure very well. Which I guess is how HE got in.
DIDI DRAGO
I’m looking out the front door, and the accountant guy comes in, and he’s like,
“Looks like we got company.” And I spin around ready to scream. And he’s standing there with this trucker.
I mean, I assume he was a trucker. He could have been wearing a trucker cap
ironically, I guess. But around here, a trucker cap generally means you drive a truck.
ERIC SWERDLOFF
And then, since I didn’t trust either of them farther than I could spit, I kept going from room to room myself.
DIDI DRAGO
I’m looking out toward the field around back. And suddenly I see it. Headed
right for us. There’s this whole army of dead people coming right at us.
I don’t mean literally an army. They weren’t wearing uniforms or anything. Well, this one mostly skeleton-dude had a tattered Confederate Army thing
on, but he could have been one of those re-enactors.
SLASH MURPHY
First thing I’m thinking is, “That motherfucker better not be dead.” But dude’s
all, “Oh, thank god. They’re everywhere. They’ve overrun the 76 station.”
DIDI DRAGO
And we’re like, “How do you kill ‘em? Give us information. You’re the first
we’ve heard from the outside.” And he’s like, “They’re not afraid of anything. They’re not human. They’re not afraid of….” And all of a sudden he looks up. And his voice changes. “Fire,” he says. “I think they’re afraid of fire.”
SLASH MURPHY
Trucker dude’s all: “I was at the 76 station. And those things were there. About
twenty of them. Chasing a Ford Focus. The driver was trying to get away, but he hit a tank. A huge explosion. A fireball. And the things, whatever they are, just backed away…. Fire. It stuns them. Not for long. But maybe for long enough. If not, we’re all dead.”
DIDI DRAGO
And I’m like, “Well, then we’re all dead, because what are we gonna do — set
fire to the house? That’ll kill us all anyway. Idiot.”
ERIC SWERDLOFF
But this trucker guy just stared off into space and said: “I drove as fast as I could.
Saw your car. Figured, nowhere else to go. Nowhere to run. No way to fight. We’re all gonna die.”
I don’t mind telling you he kinda wigged me out with that one.
DIDI DRAGO
Everybody’s freaking out: should we stay, should we go. So I figure it’s time to
like rally the troops and everything. So I’m like, “Okay. Look. When the going gets tough…the tough remember this guy just said he has a truck.”
SLASH MURPHY
And I’m like, “Snap! Can we all fit in it?” And the trucker dude says, “If we can
get to it.”
DIDI DRAGO
And I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you people are dumber than Slash.”
SLASH MURPHY
And I go, “Hey. I resemble that remark.”
DIDI DRAGO
Which is actually kinda funny if you think about it.
SLASH MURPHY
First thing I do is pick up a chair and smash the hell out of it. I pick up the legs,
and I rip off my shirt, and I start tearing it into pieces. I wrap each piece around a chair leg, and I whip out my lighter, and bingo. Instant torch.
Plus I’m wearing my leather jacket with no shirt, so I look like a total badass.
DIDI DRAGO
And I’m thinking, you know, Slash isn’t actually all THAT ugly, and he IS able to
buy beer legally…. And then I realize everyone’s staring at me. And I go, “Oh. Right…. We’re gonna fight our way out.”
ERIC SWERDLOFF
And it occurs to me that, even though this just might work — there was
probably no chance in hell this would work.
DIDI DRAGO
At this point, the place is pretty much surrounded.
SLASH MURPHY
The army of undead was banging on the doors and the windows and the walls
around back.
DIDI DRAGO
The original group had grown and was rattling the front door.
ERIC SWERDLOFF
We could maybe scare a few away for a minute with the fire, but there were
sure to be more and more and more.
DIDI DRAGO
We had no way of knowing if we could make it to the truck.
ERIC SWERDLOFF
We had no way of knowing if the truck had been overrun.
DIDI DRAGO
We had no way of knowing if there was anywhere we could drive that hadn’t
been overrun.
SLASH MURPHY
And then the windows broke.
DIDI DRAGO
And the front door crashed in.
MARVIN BELWETHER
Of course, like any good cover-up, there’s no evidence to support my theory
yet. But that’s simply proof that the crime was well-orchestrated. Dead men tell no tales.
DIDI DRAGO
I look over to the window and it’s all hands, hands, hands. I look over to the
door and it’s all zombie, zombie, zombie. I look down at my torch and it’s all fire, fire, fire. And I’m like, why isn’t this thing scaring them?
ERIC SWERDLOFF
…So I can’t say 100% that the trucker had no idea what he was talking about. But I would say that if him and the hippie were going up against each other on Jeopardy, and they had a category called Things Only Hippies And Truckers Would Know, neither one of them would have a chance.
DIDI DRAGO
And so I go to run out the door. Which, yes, isn’t the best idea since there’s a
bunch of reanimated dead hanging over there. But I panicked. Don’t judge. And I get to the door, and guess who grabs me? That fucking bitch Hannah. And I’m like, “Get your hands off me, you traitor.”
And she’s like, “RRRRRRRRRRR!”
And I’m like, “See? That makes as much sense as anything you ever said, so if I had any doubt whether that was really you, I guess it’s been dispelled. You whore.”
And I push her off me.
ERIC SWERDLOFF
Unfortunately, he pushed this zombified corpse right onto me. But I whacked
her a couple times with my extinguished torch, and she fell off me. Unfortunately, I pushed her right onto the trucker.
DIDI DRAGO
And Hannah’s all, “RRRRRRRR!” And the trucker’s all, “HELP!” And Hannah’s
grabbing at him, and biting at him, and clawing at him. And he gets frantic. And he stumbles around in a panic. And he makes a break.
SLASH MURPHY
The trucker dude pulls off the piece of wood covering the basement door, and
runs down there, and he slams the door behind him.
DIDI DRAGO
Hannah tries to go after him — he must’ve pissed her off — and she’s just
futilely pounding at the door. And the other zombies join her. They’re all pounding at the door. But they can’t get in. I’m
SLASH MURPHY
I guess it was like a metal door. Really heavily reinforced and everything. And I
guess it had a pretty good lock on it or something, because they kept pounding it and pounding it, but they couldn’t get in.
DIDI DRAGO
And I was like, “Oh, that was smart!” You know, that he hid down there and all?
Then I was like, “Wait, that was dumb.” Because I remembered: that’s where we’d put that other zombie earlier.
SLASH MURPHY
With all the zombies over at the basement door, I realized we could make a
break. So I bolted.
DIDI DRAGO
I take off after Slash. There’s one or two of the creepy undead around, but most
of them had gathered around the house.
SLASH MURPHY
I figured that running back toward the graveyard was a mistake. And running
back toward where the army of zombies came from was a mistake. So I head off to where the trucker dude came from. Hoping against hope that his truck is still on, that the keys are in it, that there’s plenty of gas, that the radio works, and we can just chill the fuck out and jam a little.
DIDI DRAGO
I only fell like three times. So that was good.
SLASH MURPHY
I get to the truck, and what do you think’s painted there for all the world to see?
“Budweiser.” He’s hauling beer! Sweet! Party in a semi! I’m like, “Let’s take a little detour to my fridge!”
DIDI DRAGO
You have to remember, we thought all the creepy-crawlys were more or less
confined to the graveyard. So we’re like, “Holy shit, we’re safe. Let’s get the fuck out of here, and let’s go drink.”
JAMES SUMNER
Rancher Dora Johannson.
DORA JOHANNSON
I spent pretty much that whole night at Jesper’s Tavern, right up until Willa Mae
called out, “Okay, folks, you don’t have to go face the undead — but you can’t stay here.” When I got back to the ranch, first thing I noticed was the door was crashed in. Glass was everywhere. My oil painting of Walt roping a bull back in his yesteryears had crashed onto the liquor cabinet and smashed in half. My whiskey bottles were all broke.
Looked like a teetotaling earthquake that didn’t like art had blown through.
MAX DAVIS
I’m ashamed to tell you my first thought when I got home.
ANNIE DALTON
Network administrator Max Davis.
MAX DAVIS
…I was cracking up over that one. Picturing some good old boy taking it all seriously, huddling out in the bushes with a pitchfork, ready to stab some fictional reanimated corpse that wasn’t ever gonna come.
Zombie attacks are all fun and games until they happen to you.
DIDI DRAGO
Whoever said “It’s hard to hitchhike nowadays” must not have looked like me.
Seriously, how hard is it to get a car to stop? You just stand there thrusting out all the right places and any guy that drives by is like, “Um, would I like THAT in my car? Yeahhh.” And boom, you got a ride.
