Scene 5

Question 0

ERIC SWERDLOFF
I was running from window to window, peeking out between the boards.
Nothing to the north. Nothing to the west. But there were two near the porch. And a shitload coming from the east. I pass by the bedroom. Which I guess had its own entrance. Which I guess the hippie didn’t secure very well. Which I guess is how HE got in.

Answer 0

DIDI DRAGO
I’m looking out the front door, and the accountant guy comes in, and he’s like,
“Looks like we got company.” And I spin around ready to scream. And he’s standing there with this trucker.
I mean, I assume he was a trucker. He could have been wearing a trucker cap
ironically, I guess. But around here, a trucker cap generally means you drive a truck.

Question 1

ERIC SWERDLOFF

And then, since I didn’t trust either of them farther than I could spit, I kept going from room to room myself.

Answer 1

DIDI DRAGO
I’m looking out toward the field around back. And suddenly I see it. Headed
right for us. There’s this whole army of dead people coming right at us.
I don’t mean literally an army. They weren’t wearing uniforms or anything. Well, this one mostly skeleton-dude had a tattered Confederate Army thing
on, but he could have been one of those re-enactors.

Question 2

SLASH MURPHY
First thing I’m thinking is, “That motherfucker better not be dead.” But dude’s
all, “Oh, thank god. They’re everywhere. They’ve overrun the 76 station.”

Answer 2

DIDI DRAGO
And we’re like, “How do you kill ‘em? Give us information. You’re the first
we’ve heard from the outside.” And he’s like, “They’re not afraid of anything. They’re not human. They’re not afraid of….” And all of a sudden he looks up. And his voice changes. “Fire,” he says. “I think they’re afraid of fire.”

Question 3

SLASH MURPHY
Trucker dude’s all: “I was at the 76 station. And those things were there. About
twenty of them. Chasing a Ford Focus. The driver was trying to get away, but he hit a tank. A huge explosion. A fireball. And the things, whatever they are, just backed away…. Fire. It stuns them. Not for long. But maybe for long enough. If not, we’re all dead.”

Answer 3

DIDI DRAGO
And I’m like, “Well, then we’re all dead, because what are we gonna do — set
fire to the house? That’ll kill us all anyway. Idiot.”

Question 4

ERIC SWERDLOFF
But this trucker guy just stared off into space and said: “I drove as fast as I could.
Saw your car. Figured, nowhere else to go. Nowhere to run. No way to fight. We’re all gonna die.”
I don’t mind telling you he kinda wigged me out with that one.

Answer 4

DIDI DRAGO
Everybody’s freaking out: should we stay, should we go. So I figure it’s time to
like rally the troops and everything. So I’m like, “Okay. Look. When the going gets tough…the tough remember this guy just said he has a truck.”

Question 5

SLASH MURPHY
And I’m like, “Snap! Can we all fit in it?” And the trucker dude says, “If we can
get to it.”

Answer 5

DIDI DRAGO
And I’m like, “Jesus Christ, you people are dumber than Slash.”

Question 6

SLASH MURPHY

And I go, “Hey. I resemble that remark.”

Answer 6

DIDI DRAGO
Which is actually kinda funny if you think about it.

Question 7

SLASH MURPHY
First thing I do is pick up a chair and smash the hell out of it. I pick up the legs,
and I rip off my shirt, and I start tearing it into pieces. I wrap each piece around a chair leg, and I whip out my lighter, and bingo. Instant torch.
Plus I’m wearing my leather jacket with no shirt, so I look like a total badass.

Answer 7

DIDI DRAGO
And I’m thinking, you know, Slash isn’t actually all THAT ugly, and he IS able to
buy beer legally…. And then I realize everyone’s staring at me. And I go, “Oh. Right…. We’re gonna fight our way out.”

Question 8

ERIC SWERDLOFF
And it occurs to me that, even though this just might work — there was
probably no chance in hell this would work.

Answer 8

DIDI DRAGO
At this point, the place is pretty much surrounded.

Question 9

SLASH MURPHY
The army of undead was banging on the doors and the windows and the walls
around back.

Answer 9

DIDI DRAGO
The original group had grown and was rattling the front door.

Question 10

ERIC SWERDLOFF
We could maybe scare a few away for a minute with the fire, but there were
sure to be more and more and more.

Answer 10

DIDI DRAGO
We had no way of knowing if we could make it to the truck.

Question 11

ERIC SWERDLOFF
We had no way of knowing if the truck had been overrun.

Answer 11

DIDI DRAGO
We had no way of knowing if there was anywhere we could drive that hadn’t
been overrun.

Question 12

SLASH MURPHY

And then the windows broke.

Answer 12

DIDI DRAGO

And the front door crashed in.

Question 13

MARVIN BELWETHER
Of course, like any good cover-up, there’s no evidence to support my theory
yet. But that’s simply proof that the crime was well-orchestrated. Dead men tell no tales.

Answer 13

DIDI DRAGO
I look over to the window and it’s all hands, hands, hands. I look over to the
door and it’s all zombie, zombie, zombie. I look down at my torch and it’s all fire, fire, fire. And I’m like, why isn’t this thing scaring them?

Question 14

ERIC SWERDLOFF
…So I can’t say 100% that the trucker had no idea what he was talking about. But I would say that if him and the hippie were going up against each other on Jeopardy, and they had a category called Things Only Hippies And Truckers Would Know, neither one of them would have a chance.

Answer 14

DIDI DRAGO
And so I go to run out the door. Which, yes, isn’t the best idea since there’s a
bunch of reanimated dead hanging over there. But I panicked. Don’t judge. And I get to the door, and guess who grabs me? That fucking bitch Hannah. And I’m like, “Get your hands off me, you traitor.”
And she’s like, “RRRRRRRRRRR!”
And I’m like, “See? That makes as much sense as anything you ever said, so if I had any doubt whether that was really you, I guess it’s been dispelled. You whore.”
And I push her off me.

Question 15

ERIC SWERDLOFF
Unfortunately, he pushed this zombified corpse right onto me. But I whacked
her a couple times with my extinguished torch, and she fell off me. Unfortunately, I pushed her right onto the trucker.

Answer 15

DIDI DRAGO
And Hannah’s all, “RRRRRRRR!” And the trucker’s all, “HELP!” And Hannah’s
grabbing at him, and biting at him, and clawing at him. And he gets frantic. And he stumbles around in a panic. And he makes a break.

Question 16

SLASH MURPHY
The trucker dude pulls off the piece of wood covering the basement door, and
runs down there, and he slams the door behind him.

Answer 16

DIDI DRAGO
Hannah tries to go after him — he must’ve pissed her off — and she’s just
futilely pounding at the door. And the other zombies join her. They’re all pounding at the door. But they can’t get in. I’m

Question 17

SLASH MURPHY
I guess it was like a metal door. Really heavily reinforced and everything. And I
guess it had a pretty good lock on it or something, because they kept pounding it and pounding it, but they couldn’t get in.

Answer 17

DIDI DRAGO
And I was like, “Oh, that was smart!” You know, that he hid down there and all?
Then I was like, “Wait, that was dumb.” Because I remembered: that’s where we’d put that other zombie earlier.

Question 18

SLASH MURPHY
With all the zombies over at the basement door, I realized we could make a
break. So I bolted.

Answer 18

DIDI DRAGO
I take off after Slash. There’s one or two of the creepy undead around, but most
of them had gathered around the house.

Question 19

SLASH MURPHY
I figured that running back toward the graveyard was a mistake. And running
back toward where the army of zombies came from was a mistake. So I head off to where the trucker dude came from. Hoping against hope that his truck is still on, that the keys are in it, that there’s plenty of gas, that the radio works, and we can just chill the fuck out and jam a little.

Answer 19

DIDI DRAGO
I only fell like three times. So that was good.

Question 20

SLASH MURPHY
I get to the truck, and what do you think’s painted there for all the world to see?
“Budweiser.” He’s hauling beer! Sweet! Party in a semi! I’m like, “Let’s take a little detour to my fridge!”

Answer 20

DIDI DRAGO
You have to remember, we thought all the creepy-crawlys were more or less
confined to the graveyard. So we’re like, “Holy shit, we’re safe. Let’s get the fuck out of here, and let’s go drink.”

Question 21

JAMES SUMNER

Rancher Dora Johannson.

Answer 21

DORA JOHANNSON
I spent pretty much that whole night at Jesper’s Tavern, right up until Willa Mae
called out, “Okay, folks, you don’t have to go face the undead — but you can’t stay here.” When I got back to the ranch, first thing I noticed was the door was crashed in. Glass was everywhere. My oil painting of Walt roping a bull back in his yesteryears had crashed onto the liquor cabinet and smashed in half. My whiskey bottles were all broke.
Looked like a teetotaling earthquake that didn’t like art had blown through.

Question 22

MAX DAVIS
I’m ashamed to tell you my first thought when I got home.

Answer 22

ANNIE DALTON

Network administrator Max Davis.

Question 23

MAX DAVIS
…I was cracking up over that one. Picturing some good old boy taking it all seriously, huddling out in the bushes with a pitchfork, ready to stab some fictional reanimated corpse that wasn’t ever gonna come.
Zombie attacks are all fun and games until they happen to you.

Answer 23

DIDI DRAGO
Whoever said “It’s hard to hitchhike nowadays” must not have looked like me.
Seriously, how hard is it to get a car to stop? You just stand there thrusting out all the right places and any guy that drives by is like, “Um, would I like THAT in my car? Yeahhh.” And boom, you got a ride.

Question 24

SLASH MURPHY
Dude didn’t know what hit him. Didi jumps in all, “How you doing?” and before
he can say, “Ass or grass,” me and the accountant guy are in the backseat. And what’s he gonna do? Say, “Sorry, fellas, I was planning on slipping your friend a roofie and having my way with her?” Naw, he’s like, “Where to?” And I’m like, “Anywhere but here.”

Answer 24

DIDI DRAGO
We weren’t even into town before you could see this was like Hiroshima. Is that
the one where the people were gone but the houses were still there? Whichever one that was.

Question 25

ERIC SWERDLOFF
I saw groups of them wandering here and there, aimlessly. I saw grown men in
the fetal position, wailing like little babies. I saw a couple of paramedics with not enough body bags. I saw a severed hand. Being eaten by a little girl.

Answer 25

DIDI DRAGO
The guy dropped me off at home. I could see right away the place had been
trashed. I kept thinking, “I hope Stacy’s upstairs.” My sister Stacy. I just kept thinking, “Let her be upstairs. Those things can’t go upstairs.” I’m not sure where I heard that one; I guess on the radio. That’s what people were saying. Those things can’t climb stairs.
You could pretty much tell what happened. They broke down the door and got Stacy while she was making Orville Redenbacher. The bag was still in the microwave. They took a bite out of her neck. And she died. Right there in the kitchen.
The first time.
See, if you followed the trail of blood, you could see she must have turned into one of them. She must’ve woke up, dragged herself upstairs — proving the undead can climb stairs, BTW — and knocked on Mom’s door. It looked like Stacy had taken a big bite out of her skull.
I don’t know if a big army of creeps were banging on the house or what, but something knocked the side of the house in, and the mirror above Mom’s dresser fell, and Stacy was impaled. Right through her brain. She was dead. Again.
With Mom’s brain right there in her hands. My Mom’s sister lost her kid in a car wreck a while back, and Mom always said that would be too horrible. She said no matter what, she wanted to go first. But I don’t think this was what she had in mind.

Question 26

DONALD MALLORY

“Kill the brain and you kill the ghoul.”

Answer 26

ANNIE DALTON

Donald Mallory, anatomy teacher.

Question 27

IAN HARRISON

Willa Mae Jesper.

Answer 27

WILLA MAE JESPER
People keep asking when things felt normal. I don’t really know. Took about a
month or so for the town to start looking normal. Repacking the graves. Rebuilding the houses. Turning the cars back over.
Even then, you couldn’t help feeling changed. People you used to see at church, or at a parade, putting all neighborliness aside and trying to eat your brains. It’s hard to get closure on that.
But on the other hand, I still gotta change the kegs. Wash the glasses. Pour the Schiller’s Bourbon into the empty Maker’s Mark bottles. So there’s a sense of normalcy. Things are getting back to normal.
Course, that’s what them folks in Amityville probably said, too.

Question 28

DAVE WINFREY
The day after that interview, we packed our bags and prepared to leave
Harwood.

Answer 28

ANNIE DALTON

Dave Winfrey, member of our theatre collective.

Question 29

ROBBIE DARLING
Grrr. Argghh.

Answer 29

ANNIE DALTON
Robbie Darling, Harwood resident. Or, former resident. Or, formerly-living
current resident, I guess it’d be.