Relationships in Communication

Question 1

One cannot not communicate b/c:

Answer 1

1. It is INESCAPABLE
2. Must be INTENTIONAL
3. Is Always CONSTRUCTING

Question 2

Is communication message centered or relationships centered?

Answer 2

It depends on what perspective you are looking at:
Transmissional
Transactional. Focus on relationships, NOT your message. SHOULD be centered on relationships. It opens up space where I care about you.

Question 3

What is the goal?

Answer 3

Not a matter of effective message transmission. The goal of communication is producing a space in which the characteristics of Christ might be produced, expressed and fostered. It is about the production and maintenance of relationships.

Question 4

Why relationships?

Answer 4

Fundamental to our relationship c/God (We honor God through relationships - they are the arena of being a Christ follower). God created us to be in a relationship. Our service to God is manifest in our service to others. We gain a greater understanding of God through relationships. We image Christ most graphically in relationships. Relationships are the context in which we can take up our cross. Relationships allow us to empty ourselves.

Question 5

What are the key characteristics of relationships in communication?

Answer 5

1. Relationships are either coming together or coming apart. They are by the very nature never static. Relationships are always in movement, they don’t remain the same (static). Remember they constantly construct.
2. Relationships require intentional maintenance. B/c they either come together or fall apart.
3. Relationships are negotiated through communication. Manner in which we communicate is how we have a sense.

Question 6

What Influences Who We Start Relationships With?

Answer 6

1. Proximity. Those who are around us.
2. Similarity. You share similarities c/others. It is similarities that attract, NOT differences. The more they are like us, the more you want to be c/them.
3. Situations. EX. Both people are freshmen coming to TFC. Similar feelings so they tend to form a relationship.

Question 7

What situations generally produce relationships?

Answer 7

1. Perceived Reciprocity - we tend to like people that we think will like us.
2. Changes in Self-Esteem - we leave or begin relationships when our feelings about ourselves change.
3. Anxiety - In high stress situations (e.g., college), we seek relationships.
4. Isolation - We seek relationships when we feel lonely.

Question 8

What motivates us?

Answer 8

1. Relationships generally are built upon what I need - not what I can give
2. This is not necessarily wrong b/c we do need relationships
3. However, intentional communication can lead to relationships built upon needs of others as well (reflect upon our need to give)
4. (Healthy relationships represent reciprocity - relationships that are built upon - “this person needs me so I’m going to be their friend” are not generally the richest relationships.)

Question 9

Why is it hard to receive than to give?

Answer 9

1. We can be self-centered & don’t see the opportunities they want to give
2. Pride. Sometimes we see giving as a duty & don’t want to owe
3. It takes away that person’s opportunity to serve/express their love for Jesus Christ.
4. Sometimes a person feels they don’t deserve it.

“I am willing to serve & be served” Must have this outlook.

Question 10

What is a necessary component to healthy relationships?

Answer 10

Self Disclosure. Intentional act of honesty sharing c/people of our “self” A degree of truthfulness.

Question 11

Self disclosure helps to produce what?

Answer 11

1. Trust. Relationships need this b/c it either develops or erodes. Self disclosure shows trust by showing ones vulnerability. When I tell you something, I am trusting you.
2. Reciprocity. How does that person respond? To say “I love you” to another might make you feel anxious. In hopes they reciprocate. This dynamic is one of the reasons relationships fall apart.
3. Intimacy. Emotional intimacy is to encourage & be encouraged by another. A closeness.

Question 12

Self-disclosure is…

Answer 12

1. Healthy
2. Appropriate
3. Intentional
4. Reciprocal

Question 13

How is self-disclosure healthy?

Answer 13

Relationships cannot deepen if there is no sharing of information. Relationships help us to understand ourselves better through the reflection of the other person.

Question 14

How is self disclosure appropriate?

Answer 14

1. The practice of disclosing information about yourself is a sign of an emotionally healthy person - therefore, it should be common within a relationship
2. It is actually inappropriate to NOT share information about yourself to others in your social environment. It leads to mistrust and feelings of anxiety towards that person. We see the impact of sin in humanity b/c of this. When we don’t disclose, we feel uncomfortable. Our knee jerk reflex is to think poorly of that person.

Question 15

How is self-disclosure intentional?

Answer 15

Revealing information about ourselves involves a cognitive process that includes an analysis of the situation and an appropriate response.
We need to filter our revelations about ourselves to prevent making others uncomfortable or violating norms It puts pressure on the other & it’s not healthy so it leads to dysfunction.

Question 16

How is self disclosure reciprocal?

Answer 16

1. Reciprocal simply means that we give back in equal measure.
2. Failure to self-disclose when someone else does increases anxiety and is disconfirming
3. Exception is the stranger on the plane - why? b/c you will most likely never see that person again. Also it’s not really a relationship. To some degree you don’t want to know their name.

Question 17

What is the Social Penetration Theory?

Answer 17

States that as we get to know someone, we engage in a reciprocal process of self disclosure that changes in breadth (the range of topics discussed) and depth (how
personal or sensitive the information is) and affects how a relationship develops. A theory that seeks how we get to a place place of self-disclosure.

Question 18

What are the 2 components of the Social Penetration Theory?

Answer 18

1. Concentric Circle
2. The Slices
   Slices dictate the rate of the layers peeling.

Question 19

What is concentric circle #1?

Answer 19

The appropriate disclosure of LIKES & TASTES.

Question 20

What is concentric circle #2?

Answer 20

The disclosing of SOCIAL & POLITICAL VIEWS.

Question 21

What is concentric circle #3?

Answer 21

Disclosing VALUES, BELIEFS, GOALS, FEARS, & SECRETS.

Question 22

What is concentric circle #4?

Answer 22

Disclosing PRIVATE SELF (the recognition of what we disclose to others, like our spouse)

Question 23

Must recognize what he/she is comfortable sharing or hearing…

Answer 23

b/c it helps to recognize where to start. Also it is not necessary to get at the private self.

Question 24

What is slice #1?

Answer 24

RELATIONSHIPS. Different relationships will peel at diff. rates. For ex: romantic vs. professional.

Question 25

What is slice #2?

Answer 25

RELIGION. It is about context. For example it is not unusual to share/discuss about the same religion c/those who are believers. If in secular setting it might be off putting.

Question 26

What is slice #3?

Answer 26

SCHOOL

Question 27

What is slice #4?

Answer 27

Career

Question 28

What are the relational dialectics (DTR) that a relationship negotiates through?

Answer 28

1. Autonomy (A) vs. Connectedness (C). Autonomy is self-rule; being alone; I am deciding what I am doing. Connectedness is we are deciding what we are doing. What is not healthy is if one is closer to “A” & the other one is closer to “C” in the relationship.
2. Certainty vs. Uncertainty. You know your significant other will be at the door. Uncertainty is spontaneous & we like to be certain. Sometimes we like spontaneous, like a surprise b/c everyday might be boring.
3. Openness vs. Closedness. Not a matter of telling other person everything in a relationship. Closedness is not unhealthy.

Question 29

Our responsibility: Creating an “Other-centric approach”
How do we build & maintain relationships that seek to edify the other?

Answer 29

For us it is a matter of becoming Christ-like.

Question 32

What is the maintenance regiment for relationships?

Answer 32

c/one another, have the same mindset as Christ. Being the same nature of God. Do not consider being equal to God BUT empty yourself. The willingness to sacrifice oneself for the other, like Christ. Christ took the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness & being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself. He endured for others by becoming obedient till death. We get this far b/c of His sacrifice. How many people in our life would we do this for? I don’t have to do it b/c his love has done it & his loves c/in me. Relationships give us a chance to be Christ-like.

Question 33

The trap of “That’s just who I am…” does what?

Answer 33

1. It is the loss of self awareness. True self-awareness is actually “other awareness.” People matter.
2. It removes the significance of intentionality.
3. It demonstrates a lack of relational orientation. The self is only that which is in the process of relating. There is no self apart from relationship.
4. If we do not have a sense of other’s perceptions of us, we will produce a perception that we don’t care.
5. Can we really care about someone if we believe we don’t care what they think? We are called to care what others think. I have to care & be open

Question 34

What are the first steps of self-awareness?

Answer 34

Step 1: What are my…
1. Attitudes- like/dislikes
2. Beliefs- true/false (involve external realities).
3. Values- good/bad (what do I value to be good) Is lying good? Is lying always bad? These are competing values. Overall are based on your conscious/mind.

Step 2: Why are they yours…
We are not born to like pizza. It is a cultural norm to like pizza (for us). To be self-aware is to answer “why?”. Developing self-awareness lets you answer this.

Step 3: How do they define yourself…
Who you are is a collection of these things. Who we are is always changing b/c we are being transformed in the image of Christ.

The more we can understand the formation of these elements…the more we can remove a defensive position re: these elements the greater degree of self awareness we will demonstrate. Self awareness is a critical component.

Question 35

How do we relate to those who are outside of our homogeneous (same) A.B.V. group?

Answer 35

Christian love is the “waste” of indiscriminate love. Love those who don’t believe what we believe & value what we value.To discriminate is to pick & choose. Sadly, our natural love that is innate to humans is discriminatory. Who am I going to love? When we meet someone c/different beliefs, we often put defenses or offenses up b/c we are insecure & try to fight. Instead we need to respond in love & freedom of Christ. Love everyone & you truly will be free.

Question 36

What is Christian love?

Answer 36

1. The love of Christ is not directed at some type or group.
2. It is simply cast broadly without care of the other’s values, beliefs, characteristics or community; it cares only for the other.
3. It does not consider who or what the other is.
4. How do we understand a love that does not take into account the character of the other?
5. It is not a response to someone else’s communication (words, thoughts, actions).
6. Transmission operates according to the rule of reciprocity. We need to love c/out Reciprocity. If love does or not come back, Thank the Lord.
7. Love cannot operate c/reciprocity. Real/true love doesn’t operate according to reciprocity. True love will set us free.

Question 37

And Yet…

Answer 37

1.Perceptions play a critical role in communication. Perception is critical c/relationships BUT c/love it is NOT important.
2. How we communicate with someone, how we adapt our message, is based upon our perceptions of the other.
3. It is noteworthy to point out that our adaptations are not based on the actual character of the other, but on our perceptions of the other

Question 38

How do perceptions relate to reality?

Answer 38

Perceptions shape our reality.

Question 39

Who is right?

Answer 39

Not a matter of who is right. We need perception checking. Our perception is not always correct

Question 40

What does the Monkey Business Illusion tell us?

Answer 40

If we are focused on other things, we might miss other things. What are you looking for when you meet someone?

Question 41

What are the perception Traps?

Answer 41

Trap 1: Perception doesn’t matter, only reality does.
Trap 2: I don’t care what people think of me, it is only their perception.

Question 42

How to avoid perception Traps?

Answer 42

Trap 1: Response- How can we know anything apart from our perception? Our perception construct what is real. Reality depends on our perception.
Trap 2: Response- Perception (like communication) have not only a reflective function BUT a creative function as well

Question 43

What are the Key lessons?

Answer 43

1. Perceptions are not just individual interpretations that have no impact on reality
2. Our perceptions (of ourselves, others and situations) greatly guide our actions
3. Perceptions profoundly impact reality

Question 44

We Employ filters when we are perceiving:

Answer 44

1.Physiological Filters. We can only perceive a limited amount of the stimuli we receive. Limited to what we see & hear. We don’t see or hear everything.
2. Psychological Sets. We have expectations or predispositions that frame our experiences and how we respond. We see something far away & start jumping to conclusions. Remember we have social scripts that we play by as it reduces our anxiety. Expectancy bias occurs, when you expect to experience that. I expect a person to behave this way. These expectations can be bad or good. In turn, it impacts our perceptions. It creates a LENS, These are the expectations we create.

Question 45

As perceptions can be inaccurate based on our filters, we must engage in perception checking:

Answer 45

Step 1: Describe. State what you observed. What did I see? Be objective
Step 2: Provide an Interpretation. State what you think it means. What might that mean? What else might it mean? Possible explanations to the situation.
Step 3: Ask for clarification. Gives the other person the opportunity to offer clarification. Ask yourself for clarification. If done properly could open up opportunities for further conversations.

Question 45

Why is perception checking important in our walk c/Christ?

Answer 45

1. We must be intentional about avoiding the attitude of judgment(al) even as we are constantly making judgments. Judgment vs. judgmental
2. We are people of mercy and truth. Can’t be merciful c/out humility. Can’t be truthful if we trust our snappy judgments. “what actually happened?” Sin conditions us to be people of deception.