Midterm Part 1 Flashcards
What are the 7 steps of self-betrayal
- Self Betrayal
- Begin to see the world in a way that justifies
my self betrayal. - My view of reality becomes distorted.
- I enter the box
- Boxes become characteristic of me, and I
carry them with me. - I provoke others to be in the box.
- Mutual mistreatment and justification.
Collusion in giving each other reason to stay
in the box.
An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another. EX: Bud thought he should get up with the baby so Nancy could sleep, made the choice not to honor it.
Self-betrayal
Begin to see the world in a way that vindicates my self-betrayal.
Justification
My view of reality becomes warped, because I see it in a self-justifying way
Distortion
I see others as mere objects, instead of as people.
In the box
The form my boxes take as I carry them with me into new situations.
Characteristics
By being in the box, I invite others to be in the box as well.
Provoke
In the box, we invite mutual mistreatment and obtain mutual justification; give each other reason to stay in the box.
Collusion
In the box-we see others as mere objects.
Out of the box-we see ourselves and others as we are, as people.
Perceptions In and out of the box
Have a desire to be out
See people as people
Stop resisting the call of other’s humanity
How to get out of the box
- Unconscious Incompetence
- Conscious Incompetence
- Conscious Competence
- Unconscious Competence
Stages of Learning
Don’t know you don’t know. Can’t do what you can’t do.
Stage 1: Unconscious Incompetence
Aware of what we can’t do. Moving towards learning.
Stage 2: Conscious Incompetence
Practice brings competence and learning
Stage 3: Conscious Competence
Habit of expectation 10000 hour rule: become an expert
Stage 4: Unconscious Competence
According to most which stage of learning is the “goal” or “most important stage? At this stage we are confident in our ability and not inhibited.
Conscious Competence
Courage to try and do something better, take a leap of faith
Ex: Teacher learning to use a mac for the first time, felt stupid at first
Vulnerability
Linking something you understand, something you already have in your head
to something you don’t understand
Known vs Unknown
What are Brockriede’s three argumentative stances
Rapist (abuser, bully)
Seducer (manipulator, beguiler)
Lover (equal, team player)
What are the two unilateral argumentative stances and why?
The rapist and seducer are unilateral because they are about power and superiority. They see their coarguers as objects and are indifferent to them.
Rapist=censorship (argument silenced, not able to present)
You can’t have an argument with:
Inanimate (unable or unwilling to communicate)
Illogical (out of control emotionally)
Immoral (no principles, no rules)
Which argumentative stance is bilateral and why?
Lover is a bilateral stance because we are seeing people as people.I equality, team work)
Motivated by power and a desire to remain superior. They see coarguers as objects or someone that is beneath them and use force to succeed. They might manipulate a situation so they have more power than his victim or take advantage of a situation of power, like a manager and subordinate in the workplace.
Rapist
More subtle. They like to use charm and share less than the truth to win approval or agreement. I liken it to using smoke and mirrors. They tell just enough of the truth to be believable but withhold a little something or stretch the truth to their benefit, and to win over their coarguer.
Seducer
Very different from rapists and seducers. They see a person and want equality. They want approval or agreement to be given freely and to have an open and honest discussion. A couple of examples I can think of would be a husband/wife, parent/child, or even best friends.
Lover
Aggression (Fight)
Avoidance (Flight)
Collaboration (Work Together)
3 main types of family environment for conflicts
This victim can, at times, be willing and accepting of the treatment, even welcoming or provoking it, in some instances. The victim might also fight back to stop the attack, sometimes winning the battle and sometimes losing it. In a third scenario, the victim might also hold the same view as the perpetrator. It then comes down to which one of them is the most powerful. The stronger of the two will prevail. Finally, the victim may be able to change the perpetrator’s view, therefore changing the situation altogether.
Rapist Victim Stance
The roles of this victim are very similar to He can accept it willingly, even encourage it, or fight against it even though he doesn’t have the skills needed to change the outcome. If his skills are good enough, he might be able to see through the perpetrator and avoid his tricks. Or the would-be victim can be a this type of perpetrator himself and the two will work n one another in their interchange. Finally, it is possible to change the situation, by changing the perpetrator’s view to something different.
Seducer Victim Stance
There are no victims in this victim stance because they see each as a person. They are equal to each other in every way. This type wishes to have a discussion with each party giving and taking, where they are both vulnerable in the exchange. Nothing is forced, nothing is expected in this situation.
Lover stance
“Conflict is like a seed. It has potential for growth if the conditions are ideal.”
“Conflict is like exercise, the more you endure the stronger you become”
Positive metaphor
“Conflict is like a rash that won’t go away. It itches and no matter what you treat it with it doesn’t help.”
Conflict is like a tornado. It can cause a lot of damage.”
Negative metaphor
Harmony is normal and conflict is abnormal
Conflict constitutes a breakdown of communication
Anger is the only emotion in conflict interaction
Negative views of conflict
Conflict is inevitable; therefore, the constructive way to approach conflict is as ‘ a fact of life’
Conflict serves the function of bringing problems to the table
Conflict can clear out resentments and help people understand each other
Positive views of conflict
A model that specifies that each person views (1) oneself, (2) the other person, and (3) the relationship. These perceptual pieces form the fundamental views of all conflicts.
The communicative acts (behaviors) of each person
The meanings (attributions) attached to those acts by each person:
-each person’s view of self
-each person’s views of the other
The meanings (attributions) the two people ascribe to their relationships:
-past events
-current events
-future projections
The Lens View of Conflict
What are the main filters of the lens view of conflict
gender-social learning connection with others, autonomy, and independence,self-in-relationships.,
cultural-individualistic and collectivistic, ethnocentric mode
Criticism, Defensiveness, Stonewalling, Contemp
Gottman’s Four Horsemen
An attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you do this.
Criticism
Typically a response to criticism. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses so that our partner will back off. Our excuses tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
Defensiveness
The listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
Stonewalling
When we are truly mean–we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, or call them names. The target is made to feel despised and worthless. It assumes a position of moral superiority
Contempt
Through his research, John Gottman distinguishes couples into which two groups?
Masters & Disasters
Those who stayed together, didn’t get divorced and were happy for the most part.
Masters
The ones that broke apart or stayed together and were unhappy
Disasters
How successful was John Gottman at predicting the marital success/failure of couples based on his observations?
90% accuracy
How quickly could ohn Gottman’s prediction on marital success be made?
Three minutes
John Gottman’s three critical elements that assist couples in improving relationships
Patterns of Behaviors
Theories
Interventions
What is the primary difference in expressing frustration between the masters and disasters of relationships?
Master were gentle in response.
Disasters were critical in response.
Stating the problem of the relationship as a problem in the person
Gottman’s definition of ‘criticism’
anything to ward off an attack–acknowledge criticism and invite discussion
Gottman’s definition of defensiveness and what can be done instead.
Anything coming from a superior position (better than, speaking down, name-calling, etc.
Gottman’s definition of contempt
Withdrawing from the conversation or being tuned out–an elevated heart rate
Gottman’s definition of stonewalling and what distinguishes it from simply listening
What are stonewallers trying to do by using this tactic?
calm down
Which horseman is the best predictor of divorce?
Contempt
Three levels of building a sound relational house. What are those elements?
Build love maps (know a lot about your partner, ask open ended questions, and remember the answers
Build fondness and admiration (respect)
Turn toward the relationship not away; build connections
What is the litmus text for positive relationships?
Positive versus negative perspective
Conflict is not about the top, but rather about?
The meaning of each person’s position
What was the lesson that Gottman was trying to teach in his reference to the movie “Don Juan de Marco?
The way people create shared meaning and purpose
What was the lesson that Gottman was trying to teach in his reference to the movie “Don Juan de Marco?
The way people create shared meaning and purpose
An expressed struggle
between at least two interdependent parties
Perceived incompatible goals,
Perceived scarce resources
Interference from others in achieving their goals
5 Elements of Conflict
Learn to recognize your own and others’ defensiveness for what it is. Then, practice the support side.
Evaluation rather than description
Control rather than problem solving
Strategy rather than spontaneity
Neutrality rather than empathy
Superiority rather than equality
Certainty rather than provisionalism
Creating a support climate rather than a defensive climate
Only have one direcion-upward and onward
Characterized by a heavy reliance on overt power manipulation, threats, coercion, and deception.
Further characteristics misunderstanding, discord, and destruction.
Escalatory spirals
