Masterclass Relationsl Psychology Part 2 Flashcards
there are ways to ensure that the exchange is more _____, kind, and compassionate. Use this checklist the next time you’re preparing to broach a ________ topic or reveal something delicate about yourself.
civil, tectonic
LOOK WITHIN. Start by asking yourself the questions Esther lists off in class: “What am I ___________ aware of as I prepare to have this conversation?”
intensely
EXPECT AWKWARDNESS. And just as you have the right to speak your truth, your conversational ____________ has the right to say, “Wow, this is painful, or “This is _______,” or “This is unexpected,” or “This is hard to swallow.” If it’s hard for you to say, it may be difficult for them to hear.
counterpoint, intense
LEAD WITH POSITIVES. Yes, they will likely be waiting for the other shoe __ _____, but starting with genuine praise can make your __________ more receptive to the criticism to come.
to drop, counterpart
REFLECT AND CONNECT. Both parties have surely ______ some painful conversations. Explain that this one is uncomfortable for you as well, and let the other person know that you’ve been on the other
side of the table, ________ someone else’s difficult feedback.
survived, absorbing
CONSIDER CONTACT. If you’re speaking to a romantic partner or someone with whom you’ve established a habit of ____________ physical contact, think about placing a hand on their knee or shoulder.
consensual
CONSIDER THE CONTEXT. You may be interacting with someone from another culture who has different ideas about criticism. Some might think you’re being too gentle, while others might think you’re being _____ ______.
unduly harsh
MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
When it comes to someone else’s reaction to criticism, Esther says, “You can influence it, you can shape it; you can’t control it.” Try to prepare yourself for a ________ of reactions—
and know that ultimately their reaction is out of your _____.
gamut, hands
EXTEND. Time can slow down or speed up during a painful _________, making it difficult for the other person to say what they want to say.
exchange
Ester cites American psychology professor and marriage expert Howard Markman, who explores the “hidden issues” beneath superficial __________ in his 1994 book Fighting for Your Marriage, coauthored with Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg.
skirmishes
The book identifies several such issues; Esther _____ __ ____ to three. Beneath them, according to Markman et al, lies a single, ________ layer: the need to feel that we matter.
boils it down, terminal
Other experts claim that the person who cares the least in a relationship—or who is the most _______ at ________ indifference—exerts the most power.
adept, feigning
Intimacy and trust are foundational aspects of a healthy relationship, and so it’s no wonder that conflicts can easily ______ out of control when one partner feels as if their ________ to the other is ______.
spiral, tether, fraying
Many marriage therapists believe that closeness and connection are related to how well a couple argues: When both partners agree to fight fair—by staying calm, focused, and ________ —conflict can actually deepen their connection.
receptive
At work, people want to feel _______ for their individual contributions, and they can feel hurt when those contributions go _________________.
affirmed, unacknowledged
Likewise, successful marriages require a ________ of mutual _________ in order to function properly. Without these crucial ingredients, fights can easily turn ugly, with one or both counterparts trying to insist upon their own basic legitimacy.
baseline, validation
Without these crucial ingredients, fights can easily turn ugly, with one or both counterparts trying to insist upon their own
basic __________ .
legitimacy
Do you think my opinions
are ________ ?
legitimate
Esther sees conflict not as a point on a graph (i.e., a static and ________ incident), but as a curve ascending from a disagreement to an explosion.
contained
And when two people enter into conflict, they bring with them the conflictual ________ they’ve absorbed throughout their lives.
mores
Fights can spiral out of control because the participants have different relationships with anger based on their backgrounds. Think of your partner or a close friend with whom you’ve
argued: Were they taught to ______ into fights
or avoid them like the ______ ?
plunge, plague
The more you know about your counterpart’s history, the better your _____ of discussing difficult topics without that curve going vertical.
odds
Fighters are insistent. If the fleer (also known as the ________ or the _____) says, “I don’t want to talk right now,” a fighter might follow them through the house
withdrawer, avoider
With a fleer, however, their strategy doesn’t work: The more they are pursued, the more they feel overwhelmed and
_____ distance.
crave
If a fleer is uncomfortable ________ in the moment, they have a responsibility to _______ later, so that they don’t put their partner in the position of waiting for a _________ that never
comes.
engaging, reengage, resolution
Postponing indefinitely will only worsen the fighter’s __________.
desperation
Another dysfunctional dynamic can occur when both partners ______ from conflict.
shrink
A flee/flee pair may appear calm, but tensions can _______ under the surface for days (or weeks, or even years) without resolution.
fester
Sometimes, after a ________ period, one partner may tell a joke or propose an outing, temporarily easing tensions
while failing to address or resolve the underlying issue.
prolonged
If this dynamic sounds familiar to you, see if you can ________ your desire to bury difficult emotions and instead move toward the conflict.
surmount
Asking things like, “Can we chat about this now?” can prevent
___________ from ___________ and allow for calm, productive conversations.
resentments, calcifying
ASK FOR MORE
Instead of interrupting someone _____________ to say, “I don’t want to hear any more,” try waiting till they’re done
and asking, “Is there more?”
midsentence
ASK FOR MORE. ” You’ll give the other person an opportunity to provide you with additional context, and you might even _______ some anger.
dispel
REFLECT. Let’s say you’re being _________ for some _______
communication habits.
admonished, slapdash
REFLECT. You might respond, “What I’m hearing is that after I didn’t respond to your third _____, you thought that I was _______ you and decided I didn’t like you anymore. Did I get that right?”
text, rejecting
REFLECT. By summarizing what the other person is saying and _______ a guess as to the underlying emotions, you’ll make
them feel better understood—and if you’re wrong, they’ll have an opportunity to correct you.
venturing
TAKE YOUR TIME.
You have the right to say, “Let me _____ with this,” and then get back to them with a cooler head .
sit
