Masterclass Relationsl Psychology Part 2

Question 1

there are ways to ensure that the exchange is more _____, kind, and compassionate. Use this checklist the next time you’re preparing to broach a ________ topic or reveal something delicate about yourself.

Answer 1

civil, tectonic

Question 2

LOOK WITHIN. Start by asking yourself the questions Esther lists off in class: “What am I ___________ aware of as I prepare to have this conversation?”

Answer 2

intensely

Question 3

EXPECT AWKWARDNESS. And just as you have the right to speak your truth, your conversational ____________ has the right to say, “Wow, this is painful, or “This is _______,” or “This is unexpected,” or “This is hard to swallow.” If it’s hard for you to say, it may be difficult for them to hear.

Answer 3

counterpoint, intense

Question 4

LEAD WITH POSITIVES. Yes, they will likely be waiting for the other shoe __ _____, but starting with genuine praise can make your __________ more receptive to the criticism to come.

Answer 4

to drop, counterpart

Question 5

REFLECT AND CONNECT. Both parties have surely ______ some painful conversations. Explain that this one is uncomfortable for you as well, and let the other person know that you’ve been on the other
side of the table, ________ someone else’s difficult feedback.

Answer 5

survived, absorbing

Question 6

CONSIDER CONTACT. If you’re speaking to a romantic partner or someone with whom you’ve established a habit of ____________ physical contact, think about placing a hand on their knee or shoulder.

Answer 6

consensual

Question 7

CONSIDER THE CONTEXT. You may be interacting with someone from another culture who has different ideas about criticism. Some might think you’re being too gentle, while others might think you’re being _____ ______.

Answer 7

unduly harsh

Question 8

MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
When it comes to someone else’s reaction to criticism, Esther says, “You can influence it, you can shape it; you can’t control it.” Try to prepare yourself for a ________ of reactions—
and know that ultimately their reaction is out of your _____.

Answer 8

gamut, hands

Question 9

EXTEND. Time can slow down or speed up during a painful _________, making it difficult for the other person to say what they want to say.

Answer 9

exchange

Question 10

Ester cites American psychology professor and marriage expert Howard Markman, who explores the “hidden issues” beneath superficial __________ in his 1994 book Fighting for Your Marriage, coauthored with Scott Stanley and Susan Blumberg.

Answer 10

skirmishes

Question 11

The book identifies several such issues; Esther _____ __ ____ to three. Beneath them, according to Markman et al, lies a single, ________ layer: the need to feel that we matter.

Answer 11

boils it down, terminal

Question 12

Other experts claim that the person who cares the least in a relationship—or who is the most _______ at ________ indifference—exerts the most power.

Answer 12

adept, feigning

Question 13

Intimacy and trust are foundational aspects of a healthy relationship, and so it’s no wonder that conflicts can easily ______ out of control when one partner feels as if their ________ to the other is ______.

Answer 13

spiral, tether, fraying

Question 14

Many marriage therapists believe that closeness and connection are related to how well a couple argues: When both partners agree to fight fair—by staying calm, focused, and ________ —conflict can actually deepen their connection.

Answer 14

receptive

Question 15

At work, people want to feel _______ for their individual contributions, and they can feel hurt when those contributions go _________________.

Answer 15

affirmed, unacknowledged

Question 16

Likewise, successful marriages require a ________ of mutual _________ in order to function properly. Without these crucial ingredients, fights can easily turn ugly, with one or both counterparts trying to insist upon their own basic legitimacy.

Answer 16

baseline, validation

Question 17

Without these crucial ingredients, fights can easily turn ugly, with one or both counterparts trying to insist upon their own
basic __________ .

Answer 17

legitimacy

Question 18

Do you think my opinions
are ________ ?

Answer 18

legitimate

Question 19

Esther sees conflict not as a point on a graph (i.e., a static and ________ incident), but as a curve ascending from a disagreement to an explosion.

Answer 19

contained

Question 20

And when two people enter into conflict, they bring with them the conflictual ________ they’ve absorbed throughout their lives.

Answer 20

mores

Question 21

Fights can spiral out of control because the participants have different relationships with anger based on their backgrounds. Think of your partner or a close friend with whom you’ve
argued: Were they taught to ______ into fights
or avoid them like the ______ ?

Answer 21

plunge, plague

Question 22

The more you know about your counterpart’s history, the better your _____ of discussing difficult topics without that curve going vertical.

Answer 22

odds

Question 23

Fighters are insistent. If the fleer (also known as the ________ or the _____) says, “I don’t want to talk right now,” a fighter might follow them through the house

Answer 23

withdrawer, avoider

Question 24

With a fleer, however, their strategy doesn’t work: The more they are pursued, the more they feel overwhelmed and
_____ distance.

Answer 24

crave

Question 25

If a fleer is uncomfortable ________ in the moment, they have a responsibility to _______ later, so that they don’t put their partner in the position of waiting for a _________ that never comes.

Answer 25

engaging, reengage, resolution

Question 26

Postponing indefinitely will only worsen the fighter’s __________.

Answer 26

desperation

Question 27

Another dysfunctional dynamic can occur when both partners ______ from conflict.

Answer 27

shrink

Question 28

A flee/flee pair may appear calm, but tensions can _______ under the surface for days (or weeks, or even years) without resolution.

Answer 28

fester

Question 29

Sometimes, after a ________ period, one partner may tell a joke or propose an outing, temporarily easing tensions while failing to address or resolve the underlying issue.

Answer 29

prolonged

Question 30

If this dynamic sounds familiar to you, see if you can ________ your desire to bury difficult emotions and instead move toward the conflict.

Answer 30

surmount

Question 31

Asking things like, “Can we chat about this now?” can prevent ___________ from ___________ and allow for calm, productive conversations.

Answer 31

resentments, calcifying

Question 32

ASK FOR MORE Instead of interrupting someone _____________ to say, “I don’t want to hear any more,” try waiting till they’re done and asking, “Is there more?”

Answer 32

midsentence

Question 33

ASK FOR MORE. ” You’ll give the other person an opportunity to provide you with additional context, and you might even _______ some anger.

Answer 33

dispel

Question 34

REFLECT. Let’s say you’re being _________ for some _______ communication habits.

Answer 34

admonished, slapdash

Question 35

REFLECT. You might respond, “What I’m hearing is that after I didn’t respond to your third _____, you thought that I was _______ you and decided I didn’t like you anymore. Did I get that right?”

Answer 35

text, rejecting

Question 36

REFLECT. By summarizing what the other person is saying and _______ a guess as to the underlying emotions, you’ll make them feel better understood—and if you’re wrong, they’ll have an opportunity to correct you.

Answer 36

venturing

Question 37

TAKE YOUR TIME. You have the right to say, “Let me _____ with this,” and then get back to them with a cooler head .

Answer 37

sit

Question 38

EMPATHIZE Sometimes people just need to be given the space to _____ and think out loud.

Answer 38

vent

Question 39

Their criticism could come from a place of ___________ with life itself.

Answer 39

exasperation

Question 40

FILTER If someone is _______ on you, try to respond calmly and without defensiveness.

Answer 40

dumping

Question 41

FILTER. Then: Shake it off! _______ to a friend or go for a run. Don’t let poisonous, ________-______ criticism seep into your consciousness

Answer 41

Vent, mean-spirited

Question 42

FIND WHAT’S TRUE. If you heard something _____ the criticism that suggested an opportunity to grow, focus on that. Process the parts that feel true to you—without shaming or ________ yourself ___.

Answer 42

amid, beating up

Question 43

The path between you and your intended audience (and vice versa) is _______ with peril, from unspoken biases to nuance-shredding technology.

Answer 43

strewn

Question 44

When it comes to clear communication, a strong ______ can be made that talk _____ text any day.

Answer 44

case, beats

Question 45

Part of you is listening to me from a ______ of different settings I can’t even begin to imagine.”

Answer 45

host

Question 46

Communication is flattened by technologies like texting and instant messaging, as anyone who’s ever tried to express irony in these formats can ________.

Answer 46

attest

Question 47

Hearing the emotion in someone’s voice, however, is priceless—and it might help you resolve conflicts much more efficiently than those ____________ time-saving technologies.

Answer 47

supposedly

Question 48

Take a minute to think about your current well-being. Did you eat a decent breakfast? Did you stay up reading the news until 2 a.m.? Is your back as ______ as a dog’s rope toy?

Answer 48

knotty

Question 49

If you’re not getting the reaction you expected in a given conversation (especially one involving difficult feedback), resist the urge to repeat yourself ___ _________.

Answer 49

ad nauseam

Question 50

And if you inquire—_________, with genuine curiosity—about how you’re being perceived, the other person will likely open up.

Answer 50

earnestly

Question 51

No need to repeat yourself or _________ to anxiety about whether you said something the “right” way. Simply ask the question and really pay attention to the answer.

Answer 51

succumb

Question 52

People need the time and space to _______ their emotions.

Answer 52

process

Question 53

Effective listening—receiving and reflecting information in a way that _________ the speaker’s perspective, even if you disagree—is an act of love.

Answer 53

validates

Question 54

By ________ space for someone in a vulnerable moment and validating their emotions, you’re providing much more than someone who interrupts with their own ideas.

Answer 54

holding

Question 55

You don’t need to play a game of _________ for meanings to be ____________, motivations to be distorted, and facts to be ________.

Answer 55

telephone, misconstrued, fumbled

Question 56

Between any speaker and listener, information must ________ what Esther describes as “the land of expectations, the land of assumptions, the land of interpretations, [and] the land of misunderstandings about the meaning of words.”

Answer 56

traverse

Question 57

Don’t ______ : This ____________ journey needn’t end in broken hearts or ________ revenues.

Answer 57

despair, labyrinthine, tanking

Question 58

Esther _______ miscommunication to _______ a note when learning a new instrument, and she urges you to think of improving your communication as a process of attunement—of both hearing and playing a note accurately through trial and error.

Answer 58

likens, fluffing

Question 59

Even the most __________ comments can come across as insulting to someone who’s been __________ to read between the lines and assume the worst.

Answer 59

innocuous, conditioned

Question 60

If they don’t feel the speaker has always been honest with them, or if they were hurt by some _______ behavior in the past, they might infer that the compliment is actually _____________.

Answer 60

devious, backhanded

Question 61

More broadly, consider giving _________ praise to someone whose internal monologue tends to be self-critical.

Answer 61

consistent

Question 62

While under-explaining can lead to confusion, its opposite can make people feel __________.

Answer 62

infantilized

Question 63

You don’t need to say things multiple times or ______ _____ on every single step, especially if you’re working with someone you trust.

Answer 63

drill down

Question 64

Instead, ask yourself: What does this person absolutely need to know, and how can I use the clearest possible language to explain myself? You can also check in with the other person before plunging into an __________ explanation.

Answer 64

exhaustive

Question 65

The cultural items on one’s relational résumé often ______ into ________ conversations.

Answer 65

factor, garbled

Question 66

Consider the following exchange: The speaker comes from a culture that values ___________ and irony, while the listener’s culture prizes direct speech and ___________ self-esteem.

Answer 66

understatement, unapologetic

Question 67

In many parts of the world, society places social harmony at the center of cultural life. “The focus is not on you stating your thoughts but on ________ how other people are feeling about the situation at the moment,” Esther says.

Answer 67

intuiting

Question 68

In order to ______ ___ on ____ with coworkers from across the globe, first identify and acknowledge differences in your styles of communication, perhaps by chatting about the cultural differences they’ve experienced at workplace.

Answer 68

pick up, subtext

Question 69

Note that, depending on where someone is from, their culture may also be more or less comfortable with interrupting, a hierarchical division of labor, and _______ criticism.

Answer 69

blunt

Question 70

Support from a friend during difficult times, the sense of security a romantic partner can offer, a “_____ ___” into the arms of your teammates—all of these exemplify trust.

Answer 70

trust fall

Question 71

Trust can be sensed in the body, felt in the heart, encoded in the brain, and _________ into the soul.

Answer 71

braided

Question 72

By taking so-called micro risks with someone, you can gauge how much trust to invest in them without __________ yourself if things go wrong.

Answer 72

overexposing

Question 73

Bear in mind, though, that what may count as a micro risk for one person could be an __________ experience for another.

Answer 73

overwhelming

Question 74

“________ exist in relationships all the time,” Esther says. Those ________can be forgettable—a ______ of resentment caused by a housemate’s unwashed dishes, for example.

Answer 74

Ruptures, ruptures, pang

Question 75

But a _________ on the scale of a secret romantic affair or the _________________ of company funds “breaks the entire worldview” of the people on the receiving end.

Answer 75

trespass, embezzlement

Question 76

Meaningful and even lasting relationships are subject to such moments, and accepting that fact can be good for everyone involved. What’s up to the individual is setting a sustainable level of trust _________ .

Answer 76

violation

Question 77

Of course, sometimes the plate _________ beyond repair—but trust, Esther says, “is quite _________ for some of us."

Answer 77

shatters, malleable

Question 78

“A good question is an invitation,” Esther says. These invitations don’t assume; they warmly ______ .

Answer 78

inquire

Question 79

They can be ________, playful, provocative, philosophical—sometimes all at once.

Answer 79

probing

Question 80

Good questions can lead to greater intimacy within an existing relationship, and they can help you cultivate _________ with folks you don’t know so well—like potential clients, new coworkers, and acquaintances who could become friends or lovers.

Answer 80

closeness

Question 81

The questions can also be like a splash of cold water to the face, ______________ the system and ________ fresh insights.

Answer 81

invigorating, prompting

Question 82

“I can’t believe I ____ ______ with...”

Answer 82

got away

Question 83

"What's your most embarrasing _________?"

Answer 83

mishap

Question 84

Esther’s relational intelligence ________ exercises: Self-Awareness, Boundaries, Power Dynamics, The Roles You Play, Difficult Conversations, Conflict, Effective Listening, Trust and Risk, Take the Lead, Make One Change.

Answer 84

thought

Question 85

_____ ____ to your partner or the partners you’ve picked over time. Is there good ______________?

Answer 85

Circle back, complementarity

Question 86

Do I feel that I’m often ___ ____ _______ of other people and their power over me? Have I switched _____ ___ ______?

Answer 86

at the hands, back and forth

Question 87

The Roles You Play. Ask yourself, “What roles do I play in my life—peacemaker, diplomat, truth teller, cheerleader, responsible one, ____________ , caregiver, provider, group therapist, icebreaker, planner, ______ ?”

Answer 87

disciplinarian, anchor

Question 88

Do you find that certain roles don’t make sense anymore? Is there a change that you would like to create ____-_-_____ those roles?

Answer 88

vis-à-vis

Question 89

There is a lot of power in knowing the roles that you play, so really take your time to examine with whom you play which roles, how you’ve come to play them, and how you feel about the roles you play. Were you assigned these roles? Did you take them on? Did you _________ into them? What do you think would happen if you didn’t play your part? What would be the consequences of change?

Answer 89

stumble

Question 90

Now think about a situation where you wished you had listened better, where you didn’t pay attention, or you _____ the other person __, or you ______ argued, or you went __ ___ __________ , or you went ________.

Answer 90

cut off, counter, on the defensive, ballistic

Question 91

Take the Lead. Gather a group of acquaintances (around a dinner table, perhaps), and ask everyone to respond to some broad, open-ended _________.

Answer 91

prompts

Question 92

On one end, the relationships feel good, __________; you might think, “I feel like I handle them well. They’re an important part of my life. They’re satisfying. They’re meaningful, juicy, et cetera.” At the other end, picture the relationships that seem _______, difficult, and painful.

Answer 92

integrated, dismal

Question 93

What’s one change that you would like to make on the __________ toward more meaningful and satisfying relationships? Now go do it.

Answer 93

continuum