Lecture 17: Conflict in Relationships

Question 1

Most Common Topics of Conflict in Marriages

Answer 1

• Children; differences in parenting, styles discipline, childcare duties.
• Chores (Who does what)
• Money (Spending wages, bills, etc)
• Free time (Spending together versus activities)
• Communication (Spouse not listening, understanding)

Question 2

Four Horesmen: John Gottman

Answer 2

Reactions to conflict: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, Stonewalling

Question 3

Four Horesmen: Criticism

Answer 3

• Attacking partner’s personality and character.
• “Kitchen-sinking” - when arguing with someone, they throw everything but the kitchen sink.
• E.g., “you do this, oh and this, oh and
  also this.. And this.”

Question 4

Four Horesmen: Contempt

Answer 4

• Trying to insult or psychologically abuse partner.
• Name-calling, sarcasm; mocking can also be nonverbal (eye rolling).
• Intent is to hurt partner (can be unconscious).

Question 5

Four Horesmen: Defensiveness

Answer 5

• Seeing self as victim.
• Cross-complaining: firing back at partners complaint “you do this.. Well you do this.”
• Yes-butting.
  -Mind-reading (e.g., “I know now you think.”)
• Rubber man/woman (e.g., “I’m rude - YOU’RE rude!”

Question 6

Four Horesmen: Stonewalling

Answer 6

• When couples stop communicating with each other.
• Stony silence, removing self physically.
• Withdrawl: Putting up a stone wall between you and partner.

Question 7

Demand/Withdraw Pattern

Answer 7

Created by stonewalling. When stonewalling occurs, people fall into two different roles: withdrawer or demander.

Question 8

Demander

Answer 8

Person criticizes, nags, makes demands.

Question 9

Withdrawer

Answer 9

• Avoids confrontation, withdraws, becomes defensive.
• Strong link to gender: woman usually demand her, men usually withdrawer.

Question 10

Gender and demand/withdrawl: Sociostructural Account

Answer 10

• Women are more likely than men to ask their partner to change.
• Women are often thrust in to the demander role and men respond with withdrawl.
• Historically, women express closeness, do chores, take care of children.
• Now that society is changing, women ask men to do more house work, etc.

Question 11

Gender and demand/withdrawl: Physiological Account

Answer 11

• Men tend to get more aroused by conflict with their partners and tend to withdraw to regulate this arousal.
• Men get angrier and try to regulate emotions by shutting down.

Question 12

Resolving Conflict: Destructive to Constructive

Answer 12

• Separation: withdrawl of one or both partners without conflict being resolved.
• Domination: one partner continues to pursue his or her goals, while the other gives in.
• Compromise: both partners give up their original ideal in favour of a mutually acceptable alternative.
• Integrative agreements: satisfy both partners’ original ideals.
• Structural improvement: when argument results in fundamental positive change in the relationship.

Question 13

Avoiding Conflict: Active Strategies

Answer 13

• EXIT: Separating, moving out of a joint residence, actively abusing one’s partner, breaking up, divorcing, threatening to leave, or screaming at one’s partner.
• VOICE: Discussing problems, seeking help from a friend or therapist, suggesting solutions, changing oneself, or urging one’s par the to change.

Question 14

Avoiding Conflict: Passive Strategies

Answer 14

• LOYALTY: Waiting and hoping that things will improve, supporting the partner in the face of criticism, or praying for improvement; E.g., Praying if religious.
• NEGLECT: Ignoring the partner or spending less time together, avoiding discussing problems treating the partner poorly (being crossed with her or her) criticizing the partner for things unrelated to the real problem or just letting things fall apart.

Question 15

STUDY: STRAUS, 2004; Violence in Dating Partners Across University Students

Answer 15

• International dating violence study.
• Asked students to complete questionnaire
  about major and minor assaults against their partners.
• Minor assault vs. Major assult
• 29% of university students reported
  physically assaulting a dating partner; 9.4% reported severe assult.
• More women assulters.
• Male assault more likely to result in injury
  in 21/31 sites.

Question 16

Predictors of Violence

Answer 16

• Socioeconomic status (weak/ moderate effect).
• Race/Ethnicity (weak).
• Childhood victimization (small- medium, but consistent).
• Personality (depression, drug/alchol use, personality disorder; strong predictors).
• Relationship variables (satisfaction - Jealousy, partner hostility; moderate effects).

Question 17

Predictors of Violence: I^3 (I-Cubed) Theory

Answer 17

• Individuals are violent when their impulses to aggress exceed their restraint of this impulse.
• When couples turn violent, they can face an imbalance of these two things: Violent impulses, violent restraint.
• Investigating trigger → strong compelling forces → weak inhibiting forces → high risk of intimate partner violence.
• No to any → low risk of intimate partner violence.

Question 18

STUDY 1: PUENTE AND COHEN (2003); Jealous and Romantic Love

Answer 18

• Participants told they were going to provide their opinion about the results from another study.
• They were told about a male participant who was imagining his wife and another man.
• Three conditions: Innocuous: Wife talking a man you don’t know; Flirting: Wife is touching another mans thigh, gives him kiss on the check; Cheating: you find wife in bed with another man.
• Man’s supposed reaction varied: either jealous or not.
• Dependent measure: How much did husband love his wife? Respect his wife? Should marriage last?
• Found: jealous reaction suggested more love, no differences in gender.

Question 19

STUDY 2: PUENTE AND COHEN (2003); Hit vs. No Hit

Answer 19

• 49 students listened to “real husband” talk about conflict in audio tape.
• Manipulated two independent variables: Conflict topic: wife flirted at a party (jealously) vs. Wife maxed out credit card (non-jealousy); or Man’s reaction: hit wife (violence) vs. Went to a friends house to cool off (non-violence).
• Participants asked whether men loved his
  wife, etc.
• Found: jealous men that hit their wives were more in love, and non-jealous men that did not hit were more in love.

Question 20

Jealousy and IPV: Gender Differences

Answer 20

• People are more likely to justify men’s
  violence when perpetrated by jealousy.
• People also justify women’s violence in
  other ways; more acceptable for women to hit men, perceive men’s violence as more intentional/controlling than women’s.

Question 21

STUDY: FINKEL ET AL. (2009); Self-Control and IPV

Answer 21

• 33 couples participated together, mainpulated self-control.
• P’s then given paper and pencil crayons and told to draw the most creative picture: Told their partners would evaluate this and could get $0.50 for each point, partner evaluated them on scale of to 10.
• Led to believe partner was rating the drawing and then given bogus feedback.
• 2 Cond: Non-provoking condition: partner has rated you a 9/10; Provoking condition: partner has rated you a 3/10.
• P’s decided now long their partners would have to maintain demanding yoga poses.
• Found: Participants who experienced self-control depletion (a state of reduced self-regulation ability) were more likely to punish their partners with longer durations of demanding yoga poses compared to those in the control condition.