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Words > Humor > Flashcards

Humor Flashcards

1
Q

✭ How good of wrap job is this from as scale of 1 to stepdad?

A

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2
Q

✭ Either you can be good at wrapping Christmas presents or you can be sexy. You can’t be both.

A

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3
Q

I thought about it but then I went on with my life

A

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4
Q

Do you want a Maserati? You gotta work bitch.

A

Britney Spears

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5
Q

It was bittersweet. It was like eating Megan Fox’s pussy and then she farted in your face.

A

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6
Q

✭ There are three things the Dali Lama says you should always accept: a pillow, and outstretched hand, and a condom.

A

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7
Q

✭ We call it “Aesthetic Promiscuity”

A

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8
Q

I have to go. I layed toilet paper on the seat back there and it’s waiting for me

A

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9
Q

Does it ever freak you out that mankind is living on top of a hot pocket?

A

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10
Q

✭ Ana de Armas lives rent free in my head

A

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11
Q

We’re trying to skip dating and marriage and skip straight to functional divorcees

A

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12
Q

Have you ever looked at someone and thought: he’s definitely got someone locked in his basement?

A

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13
Q

✭ If you put a crouton on that then it makes it a salad?

A

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14
Q

If you have to ask yourself if it’s too early to drink wine then you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends

A

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15
Q

All you need is love but wine doesn’t hurt either

A

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16
Q

That’s about as wanted as an unsolicited dick pic air-dropped on a Delta flight

A

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17
Q

(sniffs whiskey) smells like my dick isn’t working tonight

A

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18
Q

✭ Michael Myers staying relevant

A

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19
Q

I’m a big fan of it…there’s an app for it

A

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20
Q

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Underwater LEGO construction diver

A

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21
Q

Procrastinating is like masterbating. It feels good at the time but in the end, you’re just fucking yourself.

A

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22
Q

✭ Looks like the aftermath of a ______ gone horribly wrong

A

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23
Q

✭ Thelma over there while she looks sweet and innocent is a savage with loose morals

A

Jay Cutler

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24
Q

Walking around eating some pretentious fruit like a pear

A

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25
Q

That is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.

A

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26
Q

Looking at you like you’re a tasty little snack

A

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27
Q

You’re going to get older: first you’re going to forget names, then you’ll forget faces, you’ll forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you’ll forget to pull it down.

A

George Burns

28
Q

✭ Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air

A

Jack Benny

29
Q

✭ Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”
She said, “We can’t do that!”
I told her, “You did it last week!”

A

Henry Youngman

30
Q

He knew he was an unwanted baby when his bath toys were a toaster and a radio

A

Joan Rivers

31
Q

God gave man both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood to supply them both at the same time

A

Robin Williams

32
Q

When I was kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that so I stole one and asked him for forgiveness.

A

Emo Phillips

33
Q

Life in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you

A

Fred Allen

34
Q

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart

A

Fred Allen

35
Q

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare

A

Fred Allen

36
Q

✭ Babies cry on airplanes because they’re upset that gay people are getting married

A

Louis CK

37
Q

Joseph Smith, or as I like to call him: American Jesus

A

Yannis Pappas

38
Q

Dude’s he a fucking leader. Bit off his own umbilical cord and said “Follow me!”

A

Yannis Pappas

39
Q

We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It’s like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy’s.

A

Jim Gaffigan

40
Q

I did the research, it was cheaper than a divorce so I took my kids to Hawaii

A

Jim Gaffigan

41
Q

Everyone says they know someone who looks like me. He mows my lawn. We don’t even pay him to do it, he just does.

A

Jim Gaffigan

42
Q

Rocked us harder than a nanny with Parkinsons

A

Andrew Schulz

43
Q

Left our house less than Anne Frank in a hailstorm

A

Andrew Schulz

44
Q

Tongue punching elevator buttons and deep throating doorknobs

A

Andrew Schulz

45
Q

People freaked out over toilet paper. You’d think people would stock up on bread, eggs, pasta. But apparently the only thing the millennials were eating was ass

A

Andrew Schulz

46
Q

Coronavirus really squashed the momentum for the body positivity movement

A

Andrew Schulz

47
Q

We need to get back in schools before a parent has the first home school shooting

A

Andrew Schulz

48
Q

I need pain for street cred. I need somebody to lock me in the basement and finger my asshole for a month.

A

Chris D’elia

49
Q

That’s like asking do you have a pen?
No
Do you have 2 pens?

A

Chris D’elia

50
Q

We’re matching each other’s energy like to gay lovers in a steam room

A

Bert Kreischer

51
Q

That woman’s there for the love of the game not the paycheck (woman giving blowjob in porn)

A

Bert Kreischer

52
Q

You sold me the circumcised shotgun. I want the uncircumcised one were you can pull the hood back.

A

Bert Kreischer

53
Q

Playing kickball my daughter probably thought she blew out her pussy. I tore my twat. I blew out my couch, Coach.

A

Bert Kreischer

54
Q

Take a whore’s bath: pits and pussy

A

Bert Kreischer

55
Q

How does one become an abortion doctor? Well, I want to work with kids but I want to meet chicks who fuck, you know.

A

Bert Kreischer

56
Q

Hey do think on 9/11 someone at corporate 711 was linke, “That was close. Missed that by 2 months.”

A

Bert Kreischer

57
Q

✭Ladies you’ve got to step up your blow job game. You’re still playing JV basketball, and the gay guys are the Harlem Globe Trotters.

A

Bert Kreischer

58
Q

✭Laughing hysterically like to homeless guys that found a ham sandwhich

A

Bert Kreischer

59
Q

Motioning on how to get a girl off…
“Cinnabons”
“Paint the fence”
“In the garage but up where you keep the bikes” - “Come hether bikes, come hether”

A

Bert Kreischer

60
Q

Can you not be the person I own a home with and be a whore for 5 minutes?

A

Bert Kreischer

61
Q

She’s had two kids, she’s not rockin’ the original rims and tires.

A

Bert Kreischer

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