Humor Flashcards
✭ How good of wrap job is this from as scale of 1 to stepdad?
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✭ Either you can be good at wrapping Christmas presents or you can be sexy. You can’t be both.
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I thought about it but then I went on with my life
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Do you want a Maserati? You gotta work bitch.
Britney Spears
It was bittersweet. It was like eating Megan Fox’s pussy and then she farted in your face.
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✭ There are three things the Dali Lama says you should always accept: a pillow, and outstretched hand, and a condom.
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✭ We call it “Aesthetic Promiscuity”
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I have to go. I layed toilet paper on the seat back there and it’s waiting for me
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Does it ever freak you out that mankind is living on top of a hot pocket?
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✭ Ana de Armas lives rent free in my head
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We’re trying to skip dating and marriage and skip straight to functional divorcees
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Have you ever looked at someone and thought: he’s definitely got someone locked in his basement?
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✭ If you put a crouton on that then it makes it a salad?
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If you have to ask yourself if it’s too early to drink wine then you’re an amateur and we can’t be friends
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All you need is love but wine doesn’t hurt either
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That’s about as wanted as an unsolicited dick pic air-dropped on a Delta flight
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(sniffs whiskey) smells like my dick isn’t working tonight
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✭ Michael Myers staying relevant
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I’m a big fan of it…there’s an app for it
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
Underwater LEGO construction diver
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Procrastinating is like masterbating. It feels good at the time but in the end, you’re just fucking yourself.
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✭ Looks like the aftermath of a ______ gone horribly wrong
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✭ Thelma over there while she looks sweet and innocent is a savage with loose morals
Jay Cutler
Walking around eating some pretentious fruit like a pear
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That is the ideal male body. You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like.
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Looking at you like you’re a tasty little snack
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You’re going to get older: first you’re going to forget names, then you’ll forget faces, you’ll forget to pull your zipper up, and finally you’ll forget to pull it down.
George Burns
✭ Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air
Jack Benny
✭ Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, “Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami.”
She said, “We can’t do that!”
I told her, “You did it last week!”
Henry Youngman
He knew he was an unwanted baby when his bath toys were a toaster and a radio
Joan Rivers
God gave man both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood to supply them both at the same time
Robin Williams
When I was kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that so I stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Emo Phillips
Life in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you
Fred Allen
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart
Fred Allen
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare
Fred Allen
✭ Babies cry on airplanes because they’re upset that gay people are getting married
Louis CK
Joseph Smith, or as I like to call him: American Jesus
Yannis Pappas
Dude’s he a fucking leader. Bit off his own umbilical cord and said “Follow me!”
Yannis Pappas
We asked children to do school on the same device they play Minecraft. It’s like holding a Weight Watchers meeting in a Wendy’s.
Jim Gaffigan
I did the research, it was cheaper than a divorce so I took my kids to Hawaii
Jim Gaffigan
Everyone says they know someone who looks like me. He mows my lawn. We don’t even pay him to do it, he just does.
Jim Gaffigan
Rocked us harder than a nanny with Parkinsons
Andrew Schulz
Left our house less than Anne Frank in a hailstorm
Andrew Schulz
Tongue punching elevator buttons and deep throating doorknobs
Andrew Schulz
People freaked out over toilet paper. You’d think people would stock up on bread, eggs, pasta. But apparently the only thing the millennials were eating was ass
Andrew Schulz
Coronavirus really squashed the momentum for the body positivity movement
Andrew Schulz
We need to get back in schools before a parent has the first home school shooting
Andrew Schulz
I need pain for street cred. I need somebody to lock me in the basement and finger my asshole for a month.
Chris D’elia
That’s like asking do you have a pen?
No
Do you have 2 pens?
Chris D’elia
We’re matching each other’s energy like to gay lovers in a steam room
Bert Kreischer
That woman’s there for the love of the game not the paycheck (woman giving blowjob in porn)
Bert Kreischer
You sold me the circumcised shotgun. I want the uncircumcised one were you can pull the hood back.
Bert Kreischer
Playing kickball my daughter probably thought she blew out her pussy. I tore my twat. I blew out my couch, Coach.
Bert Kreischer
Take a whore’s bath: pits and pussy
Bert Kreischer
How does one become an abortion doctor? Well, I want to work with kids but I want to meet chicks who fuck, you know.
Bert Kreischer
Hey do think on 9/11 someone at corporate 711 was linke, “That was close. Missed that by 2 months.”
Bert Kreischer
✭Ladies you’ve got to step up your blow job game. You’re still playing JV basketball, and the gay guys are the Harlem Globe Trotters.
Bert Kreischer
✭Laughing hysterically like to homeless guys that found a ham sandwhich
Bert Kreischer
Motioning on how to get a girl off…
“Cinnabons”
“Paint the fence”
“In the garage but up where you keep the bikes” - “Come hether bikes, come hether”
Bert Kreischer
Can you not be the person I own a home with and be a whore for 5 minutes?
Bert Kreischer
She’s had two kids, she’s not rockin’ the original rims and tires.
Bert Kreischer
