How to Win People to your Way of Thinking Flashcards
What is the “ONLY” way to get the best of an argument?
Part 3 Principle 1
Avoid it!
We are often tempted to argue with others, especially when we are absolutely convinced that we’re right about something. But even if we are right, what does arguing about it yield? Why prove someone else wrong? Is that going to make the person like us? Why not just let him save face, if we have nothing to gain from it but “feeling” superior?
Not to mention, nine times out of 10, arguing just results in the other person even more firmly convinced that he is right.
According to Carnegie, it’s impossible to win an argument. If we lose the argument, we lose; if we win the argument, we have made the other person feel inferior, hurt his pride, and made him resent us. In other words, we still lose.
“There is only one way under high heaven to get the best of an argument - and that is to avoid it.” - DALE CARNEGIE
What if, instead of arguing with someone, we admit their importance through appreciation? This can expand the other person’s ego so he can then become sympathetic and kind.
To keep a disagreement from becoming an argument, we can:
- Welcome the disagreement. If the other person is raising a point we haven’t considered, we can be thankful it’s brought to our attention. It may save us from making a mistake.
- Distrust our first instinctive impression. Our natural reaction to a disagreeable situation is to become defensive. We should keep calm and watch out for how we first react.
- Control our temper. Only negative outcomes result from a bad temper.
- Listen first. We can give our opponents a chance to talk without interrupting, and let them finish without resisting, defending, or debating.
- Look for areas of agreement. Surface those first.
- Be honest. Look for areas where we can admit error and apologize for our mistakes. This helps reduce defensiveness.
- Promise to think over our opponents’ ideas and study them carefully. And mean it. Thank our opponents sincerely for their interest. If they’re taking the time to argue with us, they’re interested in the same things we are.
- Postpone action to give both sides time to think through the problem. In the meantime, ask ourselves honestly if our opponents might be right, or partly right.
Next time you find yourself in a disagreement with someone, don’t respond with criticism or a negative email. Instead, sleep on it. You’d be surprised how much perspective you can gain by giving yourself a bit of time to think the situation over.
What should you “NEVER” say in a discussion?
Part 3 Principle 2
You’re wrong.
Show respect for the other person’s opinions.
Along similar lines of not engaging in arguments, we should also avoid telling someone that they’re plain wrong. If we begin by announcing that we’re going to prove something to someone, we’re essentially telling them that we are smarter than they are and we’re going to teach them a thing or two.
This comes off as a challenge. It arouses opposition and incites in the other person a desire to battle with us.
“If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel you are doing it.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 2:
Next time you find yourself becoming frustrated or disagreeing with another person’s perspective, stop yourself from shaking your head, and adjust how you phrase your opinion:
“No, you’re wrong.”
“Why do you see it that way?”
“No, that’s the wrong way to tackle.”
“Why do you think that’s the best option to pursue?”
You might even ask the other person for permission to share your perspective on the matter, which readies the other person to listen to your ideas in a less critical mindset.
What should you do when you are wrong?
Part 3 Principle 3
Admit it quickly and emphatically.
Carnegie tells a story of taking his dog to the park without a muzzle or a leash, and running into a police officer who scolded him, as this was against the law. The next few times Carnegie took his dog out, he kept him on a leash, but the dog didn’t like it. So the next time, Carnegie let the dog run free. When he ran into that same police officer, he knew he would be in trouble.
Instead of waiting for the police officer to start reprimanding him, he spoke up, saying that the officer had caught him red-handed, he was guilty and had no excuses, that the officer had already warned him. The policeman responded in a soft tone, told Carnegie he was overreacting, and that he should take his dog to the other side of the hill where he wouldn’t see him.
If we know we’re going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves?
Through Carnegie’s quick and enthusiastic admission of fault, he gave the police officer a feeling of importance. After that, the only way the policeman could nourish his self-esteem was to take a forgiving attitude and show mercy.
“Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes - and most fools do - but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 3:
Next time you find yourself in the wrong, challenge yourself to be the first to point it out. If you messed up on a work project, approach your
How should you begin a conversation?
Part 3 Principle 4
Begin a conversation in a friendly way.
If we’re angry or frustrated at someone and we go to them with our temper flaring, we’re sure to have a fine time unloading our feelings toward them. But what about the other person? Will our belligerent tones and hostility make it easy for them to agree with us?
If we approach the other person with our fists doubled, this will only lead the other person to double his fists twice as fast. If instead we come to him and say, “Why don’t we sit down and talk this through so we can understand why we disagree,” we’re likely to find that we’re actually not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the ones on which we agree are many.
When a person feels negatively about us, we can’t win him to our way of thinking with all the logic in the world. We can’t force someone to agree with us, but we can lead them in that direction if we are gentle and friendly with them.
“A drop of honey catches more flies than a gallon of gall.” - ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Business executives have learned that it pays to be friendly to strikers, that they are able to shift the strikers’ perspectives and win their loyalty by addressing their needs as friends and peers, instead of suppressing their voices and acting as dominants.
Practice Principle 4:
When you find yourself about to scold your children, act as a domineering boss, or nag your husband or wife, try softening your approach by opening with a friendly conversation and keeping a calm tone.
Ask how your husband’s work presentation went, or ask your employee for her thoughts on your last team meeting. Have at least five minutes of pleasant conversation before you bring up the issue at hand.
What should you do immediately in conversation?
Part 3 Principle 5
Get the other person to say yes.
When talking with people, we should never begin with the points on which we disagree. We should start by emphasizing the things on which we agree, and be sure to convey that we’re both striving for the same result - our differences are in method, but not purpose.
The key is to keep our opponent from saying “no,” as this is a very difficult sentiment to overcome. As soon as someone says “no,” all of her pride rests upon her being consistent with that “no.” When a person says “no,” she immediately withdraws herself and guards against acceptance.
What we want to do instead is get the person saying “yes” as soon as possible. This starts the person moving in the affirmative direction where no withdrawal takes place. Our opponent now has a very accepting, open attitude.
Socrates has become very famous for the “Socratic method,” by which one asks another person questions with which they have to agree.
“[Socrates] kept on asking questions until finally, almost without realizing it, his opponents found themselves embracing a conclusion they would have bitterly denied a few minutes previously.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 5:
Next time you find yourself in disagreement with someone, challenge yourself to get them to agree with you on at least two things before you each share your perspectives.
For example, you could begin with:
“The goal of this meeting is to decide on the best way to onboard new customers to minimize frustration with the product, correct?”
or
“We both want Johnny to feel comfortable in his social environment at school, right?”
Pointing out early on that you share the same ultimate goals will help start the conversation with a more agreeable tone.
What should you let the other person do in a conversation?
Part 3 Principle 6
Allow them to talk most of the time.
Most people who try to get others to agree with their perspective do too much of the talking. Instead, let the other people talk themselves out. They know their problems better than we do. Let’s ask them questions and let them tell us a few things.
We are often tempted to interrupt someone when we disagree with them. But we shouldn’t interrupt - it’s very dangerous. They won’t pay attention to our thoughts while they still have a number of their own to express. We must listen patiently and with an open mind, and be sincere in encouraging them to share their ideas fully.
This principle helps in both business and family situations. Carnegie tells a story of a woman who couldn’t get her daughter to do her chores. Instead of yelling at her for the hundredth time, the mother one day simply asked her daughter sadly, “Why?”
Her daughter let loose the thoughts and feelings she had been bottling up - her mother never listened to her and always interrupted her with more orders. The mother realized all she had been doing was talking, not listening. From then on, she let her daughter do all the talking she wanted and their relationship improved significantly.
“If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you.” - LA ROCHEFOUCAULD
Practice Principle 6:
Fight the urge to talk about yourself by learning to be comfortable with short silences in conversation. We’re often tempted to jump in and talk about ourselves when the other person stops talking, but if we stay quiet and wait for them to keep talking, chances are they will have more to say.
What should the other person feel when discussing ideas?
Part 3 Principle 7
That the idea was his or hers.
Don’t you feel much more strongly about ideas that you came up with than ideas that are handed to you by others? If so, why should we try to jam our ideas down other peoples’ throats? Isn’t it much wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion?
No one likes to feel like they’re being told what to do. We much prefer to think independently, have autonomy, and act on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about what we think and what we want.
So how can we use this to our advantage? When we’re trying to win someone to our way of thinking, we can guide them there - get them halfway or so - and then step back and let them see the idea through to completion.
Take the case of a man named Mr. Wesson, who sold sketches for a design studio. He failed hundreds of times in getting one of the leading New York stylists to buy his sketches. One day, he tried a new approach. He took several incomplete sketches to the stylist and asked how he could finish the designs in such a way that the stylist would find them useful. The stylist offered his ideas, Mr. Wesson had the sketches completed according to the buyer’s ideas, and they were all accepted.
If we’re truly only after the results, why care about the credit? Why not let someone else take the spotlight, so long as we can achieve what we’re out to get?
Practice Principle 7:
Let’s say you’re trying to convince your boss to let you take the lead on a new project, or you’re trying to close a sale with a new customer. Before going into that conversation, write out a list of questions that would lead your boss or customer to the conclusion you’d like them to draw.
For your boss, it might be:
- How big of a priority is getting this project done in a timely manner?
- Would you trust this project to an entry-level employee or prefer someone more senior?
- How does the priority of this project compare to the priorities of my current projects?
For your customer, it might be: - What goal are you trying to solve by purchasing this type of product?
- How do you see our product helping you solve those goals?
From what perspective should you view a conversation?
Part 3 Principle 8
From the view of the other person.
Put yourself in their shoes and try to honestly understand the other person.
One of the fundamental keys to successful human relations is understanding that other people may be totally wrong, but they don’t think they are.
Don’t condemn them; try to understand them.
“There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason - and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality.” - DALE CARNEGIE
If we ask ourselves, “how would I feel or react if I were in his shoes?” we’ll save ourselves a lot of time and frustration, because we’ll better understand his perspective. Success in dealing with people relies on being able to have a clear grasp of the other person’s viewpoint.
Accept the other person’s viewpoint. Determine what you say by what you’d want to hear if you were the listener. These skills will take time to develop, but will help you avoid conflict and get better results.
Practice Principle 8:
Next time you’re about to ask someone to buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity or do you a favor, pause first.
Make a list of reasons that you want them to do it, and a list of reasons that they would want to do it. When you’re writing your email, your website copy, or opening your conversation, only mention the reasons from their list, and none of the ones from your list.
How should you treat other people’s ideas, opinions, desires, etc.?
Part 3 Principle 9
Be sympathetic.
What if there were a magical phrase that would stop arguments, create positive interactions, and make the other person listen to you attentively? Well there is.
We can say, “I don’t blame you at all for feeling the way you do. If I were you, I would undoubtedly feel the same way.”
The great thing about this phrase is that we can say it and be 100% sincere, because if we were the other person, faced with her situation, problems, needs, desires, etc., we would indeed see things just as she does.
“Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.” - DALE CARNEGIE
If someone feels negatively toward us, once we begin apologizing and sympathizing with their point of view, they will begin apologizing and sympathizing with our point of view.
Everyone wants to feel understood and have their troubles and opinions recognized. Use this to turn hostility into friendliness.
Practice Principle 9:
Next time you approach a disagreement with someone, take a moment to imagine yourself in their shoes. If you were that person:
- What sort of pressures would you be working under?
- What would your goals and priorities be?
- What sort of relationships do you have with the other people involved?
Show the other person that you genuinely understand their perspective, by saying things like, “I completely understand why you see it that way,” or, “I know it would be helpful for you if …”
What should you appeal to?
Part 3 Principle 10
The nobler motives.
People usually have two reasons for doing things – one that sounds good, and the real one. A person will recognize on his own the real reason he does something. We don’t need to point it out. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good.
In order to change people, we must appeal to the nobler motives.
Take, for example, a landlord who had a tenant that decided he was going to break his lease four months early. The landlord could have handled the situation by pointing to their contract and listing all the consequences that would follow, but he instead had a talk with the tenant and said:
“Mr. Doe, I have listened to your story and I still don’t believe you intend to move. I sized you up when I first met you as being a man of your word. Take a few days to think it over, and if you still intend to move, I will accept your decision as final.”
The result? The tenant concluded that the only honorable thing to do was to live up to his lease. By appealing to the tenant’s nobler motives, the landlord was able to persuade him successfully.
Most people are honest and want to fulfill their obligations. In most cases, people will react favorably if we make them feel that we consider them honest, upright, and fair.
Practice Principle 10:
When you’re trying to convince someone to do something, start by thinking of a few positive traits that that person tries hard to embody (or conversely, would be ashamed to be told he does not have).
For example, most people aim to be responsible, fair, wise, and diligent. Work these ideas in when you mention to your son that you know he’s extremely responsible about his chores, so you were surprised to see that he didn’t make his bed this morning or when you tell your boss that you respect his fairness when it comes to deciding who deserves a promotion.
How should you present your ideas?
Part 3 Principle 11
In a dramatic way.
To be effective in convincing someone of our ideas or our argument, it’s not enough to merely state a truth. If we truly want someone’s attention, we have to present that truth in a vivid, interesting, dramatic way.
We get down on one knee when we propose as an act of dramatization - we’re showing that words alone aren’t enough to express that feeling.
We make games out of chores so our kids will play along and find it fun to pick up their toys when they get to make a pretend train around the playroom.
Carnegie tells a story of a salesman who walked into a grocery store, told the owner that he was literally throwing away money on every sale he was making, and threw a handful of coins on the floor. The sound of the coins dropping got the attention of the owner and made his losses more tangible, and the salesman was able to get an order from him.
Practice Principle 11:
Find creative ways to use showmanship in presenting your ideas. When you’re designing your next meeting presentation or sales pitch, think of some ways to engage other senses or appeal to deeper concerns. Could you include a funny video in your presentation? Or begin with a dramatic statistic to underscore the importance of your message?
How do you motivate others to achieve?
Part 3 Principle 12
Throw down a challenge.
Most people have an innate desire to achieve. Along with that desire often comes a fierce sense of competition - everyone wants to outdo others and be the best.
When nothing else works in winning people to your way of thinking, throw down a challenge.
