Be a Leader: How to Influence People Flashcards
How do you begin a conversation to change or influence someone?
Part 4 Principle 1
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It’s much easier to listen to unpleasant things after we’ve been praised for our good points. That’s why the first step to changing people without offending them is to begin with appreciation for their strengths.
For example, if a colleague writes a speech for a conference that we feel is too lengthy or inappropriate for that particular audience, we might start by complimenting her speech and noting that it would make for a great blog post.
We could point out a few reasons it would be better suited for a written post than a speech, but chances are that even from our first mention, she’ll come to realize our point. Because we told her it would be a great fit for something else, she’s not offended that we thought it was a bad fit for the conference.
“Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain kills the pain.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 1:
The key is an age-old technique called a ‘criticism sandwich.’ When you’re going to offer negative feedback, start with a compliment. Then segue into the meat and potatoes: the criticism. Finally, and more importantly, part ways with another positive compliment.
As Jonah Berger, Wharton professor and New York Times best-selling author, puts it, “It’s amazing what a little positive at the beginning and end can do.”
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How do you call attention to someone’s mistakes?
Part 4 Principle 2
Praise + substitute the word “and” for “but”
Most of us respond bitterly to direct criticism. When we’re looking to change people without offending them or arousing resentment, simply changing one three-letter word can be our key to success.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and their critical statement. For example, a parent trying to convince her son to care more about his school work might say, “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester.But if you had worked harder in your math class, you would’ve done even better.”
In this case, Billy might feel encouraged right up until he hears the word “but,” which leads him to question the sincerity of the initial praise. The word “but” makes it seem like the praise was only a contrived lead-in to his mother’s criticism.
However, this situation could easily be reversed by changing the word “but” to “and.” See how different it sounds: “We’re really proud of you, Billy, for getting better grades this semester, and if you continue your efforts next semester, your math grade can be up with all the others.”
Now it’s much easier for Billy to accept the praise, because there was no follow-up with direct criticism.
Practice Principle 2:
Start swapping “but” for “and” when you deliver critical feedback, to help you frame it in a positive and uplifting way, instead of inferring failure and disapproval.
What should you talk about first, before talking about the other person’s mistake?
Part 4 Principle 3
Talk about your own mistakes.
The next step to changing people’s ways without inflicting negative feelings is to admit that we are also susceptible to mistakes.
It is much easier to listen to a description of our own faults when the person criticizing begins by humbly saying that he is also far from perfect.
Carnegie gives an example of hiring his niece, Josephine, to be his secretary. Josephine made many mistakes on the job, and though Carnegie was tempted to criticize her for her flaws, he took a step back and realized that he is twice as old as Josephine and has ten thousand times her business experience. How could he possibly expect her to have his same viewpoint and judgment? He realized that Josephine was performing better than he had been at her age.
When he approached Josephine, he told her that she had made a mistake but goodness knows it was no worse than many that he himself had made. He noted that she was not born with judgment, that it comes only with experience, and that he had done many stupid things himself. “But don’t you think it would have been wiser if you had done so and so?” he concluded.
“Admitting one’s own mistakes - even when one hasn’t corrected them - can help convince somebody to change his behavior.”
DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 3:
When you’re about to criticize someone, ask yourself:
- “What was I like when I was that age?”
- “What was I thinking when I was at their level of experience?”
Your empathy wheels will start turning, and you’ll realize that you have an opportunity to be a great mentor to this person. Try to be a positive influence. Think of yourself as your mentor instead off their boss, their friends instead of their parent.
Forbes Resource: How to Be a Great Mentor
What should you say instead of giving direct orders?
Part 4 Principle 4
Ask questions.
Instead of saying “Do this” or “Don’t do that,” we should more often say, “Might you consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?”
We long remember brash orders we’ve been given, times we’ve been screamed at - even if they were done to correct a bad error. But if we ask questions that give people the opportunity to correct errors themselves, we save their pride and give them a feeling of importance.
Asking questions also stimulates creativity, leading to new ideas and better solutions.
“People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Practice Principle 4:
Next time you are about to give an order to a child, spouse, or employee, resist the temptation to simply tell them what to do. Ask them questions that will help bring them to the conclusion that that is the best action to take, and will make them want to do it.
When you have to deliver a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, how you can make the person feel good about himself first.
Part 4 Principle 5
Let the other person save face.
When we disagree with someone, even if we are right and he is definitely wrong, we only destroy his ego by causing him to lose face.
“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.” - ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY
Carnegie offers an example of an accountant whose business was mostly seasonal. As a result, every year he had to let a lot of employees go once the tax rush was over. He began by sitting each down and explaining, “Of course, you understood you were only employed for the busy season…” but naturally, he was met with disappointment.
He then decided to begin the conversation by instead telling each employee how valuable he or she had been to the organization, and pointing out specific qualities that he appreciated in them. The result? The employees walked away knowing that if the business had been able to keep them on, they would have, and they felt much better about themselves.
We are so quick to criticize that we seldom offer others the opportunity to save face, especially when a considerate word or two and a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude is all it would take to alleviate the sting.
Practice Principle 5:
When you have to deliver a decision or information that will cause negative feelings, think about how you can make the person feel good about himself first.
Avoid delivering negative feedback in front of others or setting up a situation that will be embarrassing for the person. Think to yourself, “If I were him, how would I like to hear this news?” and design your environment and your approach accordingly.
What should you say when someone does something positive?
Part 4 Principle 6
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Take a brief look back on your own life to this point. Can you think of a time when a few words of praise have had a hand in shaping the person you’ve become?
One of the most powerful abilities we have is helping others realize their potential. We can do this by praising their strengths. Yet, this is something we do so infrequently. It’s much easier to point out someone’s faults. Even when it’s tough to find things to praise, try hard to find something.
We should also praise often. By noting even small steps and minor improvements, we encourage the other person to keep improving.
“Praise is like sunlight to the warm human spirit - we cannot flower and grow without it. And yet, while most of us are only too ready to apply to others the cold wind of criticism, we are somehow reluctant to give our fellow the warm praise of sunshine.” - JESS LAIR
We should also be specific in our praise. When praise is specific, it comes across as more sincere, not something we’re saying just to make the other person feel good.
Practice Principle 6:
If you’re looking to inspire change in a child or employee, write out a list of the milestones he or she will have to hit in order to achieve the ultimate goal. As they hit each milestone, or even as they put in the effort to make progress, offer specific and sincere praise on each gradual step they take.
Help them feel the small successes as they go to keep them motivated.
What incites a desire to meet expectations?
Part 4 Principle 7
Give the other person a fine reputation to look up to.
Similar to appealing to people’s nobler motives, giving the other person a lofty reputation to live up to incites in them a desire to meet those expectations.
“If you want to improve a person in a certain aspect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Carnegie offers an example of a mechanic named Bill whose work had become unsatisfactory. Instead of berating or threatening Bill, his manager simply called Bill into his office and told him:
“You are a fine mechanic, you have been in the business for many years, and we’ve had a number of compliments on the good work you have done. But lately, your work has not been up to your own old standards, and I thought you’d want to know since you’ve been such an outstanding mechanic in the past.”
The result? Bill once again became a fast and thorough mechanic. With the reputation his manager had given him to live up to, how could he not?
Practice Principle 7:
When you’re trying to change someone’s mind, give them a reputation to live up to by saying something like:
“I respect the fact that you’re always willing to listen and are big enough to change your mind when the facts warrant a change.”
Appeal to their nobler motives of responsibility, fairness, openness, diligence, etc.
What is a great way to motivate people?
Part 4 Principle 8
Use encouragement. Make a fault seem easy to correct.
If we tell our children, spouses, or employees that they are stupid or bad at a certain thing, have no gift for it, and are doing it all wrong, we strip them of any motivation to improve. If instead, we use the opposite technique and openly encourage them as they take steps toward improvement, we’ll inspire a much higher level of motivation to continue.
“Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it - and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel.” - DALE CARNEGIE
Carnegie offers an example of a boy who was struggling with algebra. His father made flashcards for him, and every night his father would time him on how long it took for him to get all of the cards right. Their goal was to do it in under eight minutes.
The first night, it took 52 minutes. The boy thought he’d never get there! But every time he knocked off a few minutes - 48, then 45, 44, 41 - they would call in his mother and the three would celebrate and dance a little jig. This gave the boy the motivation to keep improving, and even made it fun, until he got so good that he hit his goal and did it in eight minutes.
Practice Principle 8:
Rather than simply telling someone they’re goal is out of reach, find ways to encourage small victories when possible. These smaller compliments can help make room for sharing guidance while keeping them inspired.
Whether these small victories come in the form of eating reese’s pieces every time a work task is complete or dancing a jig when your song gets a math, recognizing progress can go a long way.
How do you avoid resentment when you ask someone to do something for you that they might not want to do?
Part 4 Principle 9
Make the other person happy about doing it.
The final key to being a leader and changing people without arousing resentment is to make the person happy about doing what we want them to do.
If you’re having a hard time convincing your child to do a chore, offer to pay her a dollar for every time she does it, and take away a dollar for every time she doesn’t.
If you choose another internal candidate for the job, tell the one who didn’t get the job that you felt he was too important to the organization in his current role to reassign him.
If you have an employee who struggles with a certain task, appoint her to be the supervisor for that task, and watch as she improves immediately.
Offering incentives, praise, and authority are all great ways to make a person happily accept our decisions and do what we want them to do.
Practice Principle 9:
To be an effective leader, keep these guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior:
- Be sincere. Don’t promise anything you can’t deliver.
- Know exactly what you want the other person to do.
- Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
- Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
- Match those benefits to the person’s wants.
- When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.
