Healthy And Happy Marriages

Question 1

What are several elements or foundational processes in a healthy marriage?

Answer 1

Personal commitment to the marriage covenant, love and friendship, positivity, accepting influence, handling differences and conflict respectfully, and continued courtship… (I’m sure there are more but this is what is discused in chapter 3)

Successful Marriages and Families p. 27

Question 2

Scholars in the social sciences have noted the importance of commitment in marriage. Marriage scholar Scott Stanley has identified two kinds of commitment. What are they and describe them.

Answer 2

Constraint commitment and personal dedication. Constraint commitment comprises a sense of obligation, “forces or costs that serve to keep couples together even if they would rather break up.” For example, couples may stay together because of social pressure, the high expense of divorce, or for the sake of children. Personal dedication, on the other hand, is an intentional decision and desire to stay in a marriage for mutual benefit. You “sacrifice for [the relationship], invest in it, link it to personal goals, and seek the partners welfare, or just your own.” Each type of commitment is important like epoxy glue: “Mixing the two components gives married couples a super strong bond.” Constraint commitment is helpful for the stability of a relationship, and couples can lean on it to weather the storms that are part of every marriage. However, personal dedication is essential for fulfillment in marriage. Research shows that personally dedicated couples show a greater priority for the relationship, feel greater satisfaction with giving, and are less likely to seek greener marital pastures. (Stanley 2005)

Successful Marriages and Families p. 29

Question 3

What did marriage scholar Blaine Fowers observe as one of the basic ways for a person to have a good marriage?

Answer 3

To be a good person

Successful Marriages and Families p. 29

Question 4

What marital processes show a covenant commitment?

Answer 4

Intentional personal dedication, exclusive cleaving and unity, and practice spiritual patterns

Successful Marriages and Families p.28

Question 5

What statements from the Family Proclamation make it clear that marriage is a purposeful, divinely-created relationship, not merely a social custom, and that couples have God-given covenant obligations to one another?

Answer 5

The Family Proclamation declares that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, and that husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other, furthermore, it emphasizes that marriage…is essential to His eternal plan.”

Successful Marriages and Families p.28

Question 6

How is a covenant relationship different than a contractual relationship? According to a member of the seventy, Elder Bruce C Hagen.

Answer 6

“When trouble comes, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will only stay as long as they’re receiving what they’ve bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work through them. They marry to give and grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent. But covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to cover any shortfall by the other. “

Successful Marriages and Families p.28

Question 7

What is intentional personal dedication?

Answer 7

This involves a commitment to sacrifice for and organize one’s life around the companion spouse; it also means a willingness to change any and all behaviors and attitudes for the good of the relationship. This might involve learning to resolve differences in a more healthy way, overcoming tendencies toward impatient listening, moderating unrealistic expectations, spending an evening alone together each week, or resolving personal problems.

Couples who are personally dedicated will continually strive for individual improvement in their conduct as a partner, realizing that eternal marriage blessings are not automatic.
Successful Marriages and Families p.29

Question 8

Personally dedicated partners might also emphasize the development of virtues that especially benefit marriage. What are some examples?

Answer 8

Being more tolerant and accepting of imperfections

Being fair

Being more patient, courteous, kind, and generous

Successful Marriages and Families p.29

Question 9

According to Elder Robert D Hales, does an eternal bond just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple?

Answer 9

“An eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves on this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities.”

Successful Marriages and Families p.29

Question 10

Where is the scripture located in which the Lord declares, “Thou shalt love they wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else?”

Answer 10

D&C 42:22

Question 11

What does D&C 42:22 state?

Answer 11

Thou shalt love they wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else

Question 12

How did President Spencer W Kimball interpret D&C 42:22?

Answer 12

“The words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife, and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse”

Successful Marriages and Families p29

Question 13

What does Genesis 2:24 state?

Answer 13

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh

Question 14

Where is “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh” located?

Answer 14

Genesis 2:24

Question 15

How does President Henry B Eyring explain Genesis 2:24?

Answer 15

“At the creation of man and woman, unity for them in marriage was not given as hope; it was a command!…Our Heavenly Father wants our hearts to be knit together. That union in love is not simply an ideal. It is a necessity.”

Successful Marriages and Families p29

Question 16

Generally couples who practice their faith together have…?

Answer 16

less conflict, are more likely to reach a mutually satisfying resolution if there is conflict, and more likely to remain committed to each other and the marriage when conflict does occur.

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 17

How did CS Lewis describe love?

Answer 17

“Love as distinct from ‘being in love’ is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit…They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other…It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 18

Beyond simply assuming that spouses know they love each other, what else do they have a responsibility to do?

Answer 18

“Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other.” The proclamation mentions the responsibility to love and care before any other marital obligation or virtue.

Christlike love is the lodestar virtue in marriage-it lights the way and draws attention to other virtues couples may wish to foster in marriage.

lode·star
/ˈlōdˌstär/

a star that is used to guide the course of a ship, especially the Pole Star.

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 19

Why did the Lord say “a new commandment I give unto you…” in John 13:34 when he had already given a commandment “to love thy neighbor” (Leviticus 19:18) in Old Testament times?

Answer 19

The command to love, by itself, was not the new commandment. The new commandment was to live as Jesus loves, this setting the standard for the pure love of Christ that should be sought in marriage.

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 20

In this dispensation the Lord commanded, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart”(D&C42:22). What did President Ezra Taft Benson say is the only other thing to his knowledge that we are commanded to love with all our hearts?

Answer 20

God Himself

Parents have not been commanded to love their children with all of their hearts, though undoubtedly they do. Marital love seems to occupy a high and holy status.

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 21

After surveying 25 years of research on marriage, Gottman and Silver stated simply….?

Answer 21

“Happy Marriages are based on a deep friendship…a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 22

What did Elder Marlin K Jensen of the seventy say about friendship and marriage?

Answer 22

“a relationship between a man and a woman that begins with friendship and then ripens into romance and eventually marriage will usually become an enduring, eternal friendship.”

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 23

What did Fowers say about where true marital love emerges from?

Answer 23

True marital love emerged from profound friendship

Successful Marriages and Families p30

Question 24

What are some things that married couples can do to nurture love and friendship?

Answer 24

Get in sync with your partners live preferences- find out how your partner likes to receive love and then do those things often.

Talk as friends-sometimes our couple conversation is all about the business of life: the job, the kids, problems. Of course, these things need to be handled, but it is also important to make time to simply talk as friends. These types of conversations were the kinds of discussions that drew couples close in the first place. Be sure to protect friend time from issues and conflict. When conversing as friends, we make sure to show genuine interest (look at our spouse, give our full attention), take turns talking, avoid giving unsolicited advice, communicate our understanding g on occasion, take our spouses side, avoid interrupting or rebutting, express affection, and validate emotions.

Respond to bids for connection-our best efforts to connect in marriage can be jeopardized as a result of the failure to respond to a others bids, which has been called the “fundamental unit of emotional communication.” A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch- any single expression that says, “I want to feel connected to you.” Couples responded to bids for connection in one of three ways: by turning away (such as ignoring), turning against (such as verbally attacking), or turning toward (actively responding to bids for attention, affection, humor, or support). How couples respond to their partners bids for connection affected the future of the relationship in a major way.

Set goals for couple interaction-

Question 25

According to the Success Marriages and Families Textbook, marital processes research is focused on three areas. What are they? There is a fourth newer area. What is that as well?

Answer 25

One aspect places emphasis on marital disruption and understanding the processes that lead to marital breakdown. -focuses on communication processes, how conflict is managed, and how problems are addressed.

A second major emphasis looks at the characteristics of individual spouses and positive couple processes in relation to establishing and maintaining a strong healthy marriage. -increasing research into areas of virtue or strengths such as positivity, friendship, generosity and fairness.

A third major emphasis is on “transformative processes” in marriage, which are efforts at self change that spouses make to heal a relationship rift or forge a deeper connection. -these elements can include forgiveness, commitment, sacrifice, and sanctification

Another aspect that is beginning to be studied is to highlight the individual aspects of couple interaction, such as fondness, admiration, affection, and respect. - these factors within each person become the basis for couples efforts to communicate well and handle issues between them respectfully.

Question 26

In Gottman studies researchers observed couples during conflict situations and assessed the proportions of negative and positive interactions. What were the results?

Answer 26

The researchers discovered that for couples in stable marriages, the ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict situations was at least 5 to 1, whereas couples headed for divorce, the ratio was only .8 to 1.

This couples doing well show at least five times more positives than negatives and far fewer negatives than couples headed towards divorce.

Gottman and Silver call this “positive sentiment override” or the five to one ratio.

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 27

In a nine year longitudinal study of newlyweds, what did researchers find as the only predictor of marital stability or dissolution, as well as long term satisfaction of the newlyweds who remained married?

Answer 27

Positive emotions

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 28

Is negativity always bad?

Answer 28

No, not all negativity is bad and the goal should not be to eliminate all negativity. Negativity can inform couples where change is needed for relationship enhancement.

The important finding is that the ratio of positive to negative interaction influences marital outcomes, and the better the ratio of positivity to negativity, the better the marriage.

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 29

What was humorist, Jay Trachmans advice about enhancing positive interactions in marriage?

Answer 29

“The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as the formula for living in California: when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.”

If spouses decide that negativity is their dwelling place they can become experts at identifying negative traits and minimizing or ignoring the positive ones.

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 30

What can couples do to focus on positive qualities?

Answer 30

Couples can focus on positive qualities by making and sharing lists of things that they admire and appreciate about each other. These things can be personal traits (she’s intelligent, witty), talents (he is a good listener), something you especially like about him/her (I love the way she laughs), a feature of your relationship that you like (I like how we seem to finish each other’s thoughts), or something positive your spouse has done (he rubbed my feet when I was tired).

Doing this activity doesn’t ignore the negative, it’s an active decision to focus on the positive.

From your list, choose two or three qualities and rehearse them silently in your mind. Put them on an index card and in places where you can see them, such as your car dashboard, in your front pocket or purse, or in your desk. Do this daily for up to two weeks. Rotate different qualities from the list and repeat the activity.

This way couples can override the temptation to be negative toward one another. Couples who nurture their fondness and admiration for each other in this way are better able to accept each other’s flaws and weaknesses and prevent them from threatening the relationship.

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 31

What does accepting influence refer to?

Answer 31

Counseling with and listening to one’s spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one’s own, and compromising when making decisions together.

For some, accepting influence comes naturally, but many have a harder time giving away some of their power.

Successful Marriages and Families p32

Question 32

Is it good for partners to share ownership and influence in all family affairs? Why it why not?

Answer 32

Yes, it states in the Family Proclamation that man and women are “obligated to help one another as equal partners,” and that they “will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.”

Question 33

What was an interesting observation that Gottman made about men accepting influence from women?

Answer 33

From his many studies, Gottman concluded that “marriages…work to the extent that men accept influence from, share power with, women.” Women, Gottman argues are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, therefore it is critical for the well-being of marriage that men learn to do likewise.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 34

What are ways that we can accept influence?

Answer 34

Turuning to our spouse for advice, being open to his or her ideas, listening to and considering his or her opinions, learning from our spouse, showing respect during disagreements, recognizing points we both agree on, compromising, showing trust in our spouse, and being sensitive to his or her feelings.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 35

What are some ways to ask questions that shows you are willing to accept influence?

Answer 35

“Explain your thinking to me, please.”

“What are your feelings about this issue?”

“Please tell me why this is important to you.”

Please tell me how you would solve the problem.”

“What are your goals in regard to this issue?”

A kind tone of voice and the openness in which the questions are framed are critical in accepting the other’s influence.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 36

What did Elder Joe J Christensen day about disagreements that crop up in marriage?

Answer 36

“Any intelligent couple will have differences of opinion. Our challenge is to be sure that we know how to resolve them. That is part of the process of making a good marriage better.”

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 37

What are the issues that couples most commonly argue about?

Answer 37

Money and children

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 38

In addition to a covenant commitment, love, and friendship, and other marital virtues and processes that bind a couple together, a good skill set is necessary to work through challenges brought on by differences and conflicts. What are these skills?

Answer 38

Prevention, eliminating destructive patterns, becoming calm, discussing issues softly, gently, and privately; making and attempting repair attempts; soothing one’s self and each other, and reach a consensus.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 39

Why is prevention a good skill to have in working through conflict and disagreements?

Answer 39

Some issues may not need to be raised. Having charity, the pure love of Christ, may prevent some things from ever becoming an issue. For example, maybe we can let go of our deep concerns about trivial matters, such as the stereotypical uncapped toothpaste.

A second important aspect of prevention is holding regular couple councils. Unlike family councils, where the focus is on the entire family, couple councils provide couples with the opportunity to discuss issues directly related to their marriage relationship. Couples who regularly visit together about their relationship are more likely to nip problems in the bud.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 40

What is couple council?

Answer 40

A second important aspect of prevention is holding regular couple councils. Unlike family councils, where the focus is on the entire family, couple councils provide couples with the opportunity to discuss issues directly related to their marriage relationship. Couples who regularly visit together about their relationship are more likely to nip problems in the bud.

Successful Marriages and Families p33

Question 41

Eliminating destructive interaction patterns is an important aspect in handling conflict and resolving differences. What are they?

Answer 41

We need to work to eliminate destructive interaction patterns from our relationships therefore they don’t creep in and influence the nature of our dis issuing of issues. Gottman has identified four and labeled the “the four horseman of the apocalypse,” as they progressively lead to the downfall of a relationship.

Criticism-attacks on one’s personality

Contempt-criticism mixed with sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling

Defensiveness-not taking responsibility for change

Stonewalling-unwillingness to discuss or withdrawal from an issue

Other major patterns…
Escalation- upping the ante on a discussion

Invalidation- putting down the others opinions

Negative Interpretations- assigning a more negative view than what was meant

Couples are wise to identify the degree to which any of these patterns are present in their current relationship and resolve to eliminate them.

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 42

Why is calming yourself first good advice before approaching an issue with your spouse?

Answer 42

When issues arise, couples need calm, respectful discussion. Before approaching your spouse on an issue, ask “Am I in control of myself?” The Lord has made it clear that contention is of the devil (3rd Nephi 11:29-30). Alma taught us to “bridle all [our] passions,” including those that lead to contention. Why? “That [we] may be filled with love” (Alma 38:12). Contention results in serious anger escalation, hostility, and hurt feelings that can seriously harm relationships. If you cannot approach an issue without contending about it, it is better to deal with it later, after you have calmed yourself. Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower, etc…

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 43

What are some ways to calm yourself before approaching conflict or disagreements that may cause contention?

Answer 43

Do whatever calms you: pray, listen to peaceful music, walk around the block, take a shower.

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 44

How should someone bring up an issue that may cause conflict or disagreement?

Answer 44

Set the stage for a discussion by bringing up issues softly, gently, and calmly, remembering that a “soft answer turner away wrath” (Proverbs 15:1)

Avoid negative, accusatory remarks, sarcasm, and critical or contemptuous statements. Complaining is ok, but don’t blame. Speak for yourself. Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings (“I felt hurt when you left me alone at the party”), not “you” statements (“You are so inconsiderate”). Describe what is happening; don’t evaluate or judge. Be clear. Be polite. Be appreciative. Don’t store things up- Remember D&C 121:43: “Reproving betimes [without delay] with sharpness [clarity, openness], when moved upon by the Holy Ghost.” Bring up the issue privately with the person concerned “and not before the world” (see D&C 42:88-89).

Question 45

How is learning to make and receive repair attempts important in handling conflict and differences?

Answer 45

When a discussion gets off on the wrong foot, put the brakes on before disaster strikes and things get contentious. Gottman calms this “repair attempt.” Ultimately a repair attempt is anything in a dis issuing that de-escalates tension therefore discussion and problem solving can proceed. It might include apologies (“I’m sorry, please forgive me, I didn’t mean that”), acknowledgement of actions (“Yes, you do help with the laundry on occasion”), or taking breaks (“Whoa! This is getting out of hand. Let’s take ten minutes and cool off”). Because we love our spouse, we will want to work hard at receiving repair attempts rather than coldly rejecting them.

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 46

Why is it sometimes essential to take breaks during conflict and disagreements?

Answer 46

Gottman observes that taking breaks may be essential if repair attempts are unsuccessful or if you begin to feel out of control (“flooded”) physically or emotionally. Even if you calmed yourself prior to the discussion, you may need to continue to do so during the discussion.

After you’ve spent about 20 minutes calming down on your own, you can help your spouse calm down by talking about what produced the “flood” and what each of you can do to calm one another. Some people need a longer time to become calm enough to resume the discussion.

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 47

During conflict and disagreements, why do some issues only need to be discussed but not solved? Is it important to reach a consensus about a solution?

Answer 47

Most issues only need to be discussed and not solved. in fact, many issues are not solve able but perpetual. However, after a full discussion of an issue has occurred and it is clsssified as a “solvable” problem, it is time to counsel together to find a solution that you both feel good about. Reaching a consensus is ideal (see D&C 107:27-29). Let your spouse influence you as you arrive at a mutually agreeable solution.

Steps to reaching agreement might include brainstorming possibilities, evaluating alternatives, choosing one you feel good about, putting the solution into action, and following up.

Successful Marriages and Families p34

Question 48

What is entropy and how does it apply to marriage?

Answer 48

A good definition of entropy is “the tendency of a physical system to lose energy and coherence over time, such as a gas that expands as dissipates until there is little trace left.”

How does this apply in marriage? Years ago, President Spencer W Kimball taught that “many couples permit their marriages to become stale and their love to grow cold like old bread or worn out jokes or cold gravy.” More recently scholar, William Doherty commented about the entropic family, and by extension, the entropic couple who, through a lack of attention to their inner life, gradually loses a sense of cohesion over the years. Couples gradually drift apart because they lack infusions of bonding and intimacy. They become victims of the “cold gravy syndrome.”

Research suggests that all marriages are subject to this kind of entropy, erosion, or detachment if neglected. The stress of unresolved issues and grievances and damaging communication and conflict resolution skills can puke up over time until couples have had enough and want their marriage to end.

Successful Marriages and Families p35

Question 49

How does continued courtship keep a marriage “entropy resistant” through the years?

Answer 49

President David O McKay said, “Too many couples have come to the altar of marriage looking upon the marriage ceremony as the end of courtship instead of the beginning of an eternal courtship.”

What are some things couples can do to keep courtship alive through the years?

Attend to the little things- President James E Faust taught, “In the enriching of marriage, the big things are the little things. Thee must be constant appreciation for each other and a thoughtful demonstration of gratitude. A couple must encourage and help each other grow. Marriage is a joint quest for the good, the beautiful, and the divine.”

Be intentional about doing things everyday to enrich marriage- couples who are continuing courtship have special activities they propose fully engage in to continue to build and maintain their relationship. There are three kinds of activities that can help couples

Connection rituals-to maintain the bond between two people

Love rituals- to keep romance alive in marriage

Celebration rituals- to show honor, love, and respect for each other

Question 50

What did Elder F Burton Howard, a member of the seventy say about marriage if it is to be expected to last indefinitely?

Answer 50

“If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you loving polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more pre ious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to test it just that way.”

Successful Marriages and Families p35

Question 51

What happened to divorce rates during the Great Depression?

Answer 51

There was a definite drop in divorce. Poverty, failures, disappointment- they tied parents together. Adversity can cement relationships which prosperity can destroy.

Oneness in Marriage Spencer W Kimball

Question 52

True or False

Correlation does not imply causation.

Answer 52

True

But neither does correlation, of necessity, imply the lack of causation. The presence or lack of causation in correlation studies is usually unknown. Sometimes interpreters of social science make or imply the causal statements they want rather than the ones that are appropriate given their research design.

Successful Marriages and Families p327

Question 53

how are you today

Answer 53

fine

Question 54

how are you

Answer 54

fine

Question 55

Genesis 3:16 states that Adam is to “rule over” Eve, but what does over use in Hebrew? How is this to be accurately understood?

What does it mean that Eve was Adams help meet? What does “meet” mean in original Hebrew?

Answer 55

Over in “rule over” uses the Hebrew bet, which means ruling with, not ruling over…The concept of interdependent, equal partners is well-grounded in the doctrine of the restored gospel.

The original Hebrew for meet means that Eve was adequate for, or equal to, Adam. She wasn’t his servant or his subordinate.

Successful Marriages and Families p40

Question 56

What is a form of unrighteousness dominion in a marriage?

Answer 56

For one spouse to operate independent of or without regard to the feelings and counsel of the other spouse in governing the family.

Marriages should not be built around the domination of one partner over the other, whether that domination be male over female or female over male. Both husband and wife have a sacred obligation to refrain from thoughts and actions that might undermine an equal partnership. Thoughts or actions that tend toward the domineering or the sunset isn’t are to be avoided by both spouses.

Successful Marriages and Families p41-42

Question 57

What is the vision of a sincerely equal partnership of which we are called of God?

Answer 57

In a marital relationship that is established on principles of partnership, both partners are able to mutually influence each other.

Successful Marriages and Families p42

Question 58

How did Satan twist the doctrine of the patriarchal order?

What is the patriarchal order?

Answer 58

The patriarchal order honors both men and women as equal partners and twisted it therefore that it was used as rationalization to oppress women, both in society and marriage.

Patriarchal order is called this because in ancient days it was handed down from fathers to sons, and frequently still is. President Faust taught that “every father is to his family a patriarch and every mother a matriarch as cordials in their distinctive parental roles.”

Successful Marriages and Families p41-42

Question 59

What has research indicated about couples who have equal partnerships?

Answer 59

They have happier relationships, better individual well-being, more effective parenting practices, and better functioning children. Researchers have also consistently found that couples who share power are more satisfied and have better overall marital quality than couples when one spouse dominates. They have more positive interaction and less negative interaction. They are also less likely to experience verbal aggression and physical violence. There is also evidence that equal partners are more satisfied with the quality of the physical intimacy in their relationship.

Research also indicated that the personal well being of spouses is greatest in equal partnerships. There is substantial evidence that spouses who feel they lack influence in their relationship are more likely to r patience symptoms of depression. This is especially true amount women.

Equal partners are generally better parents. Parents with less relationship equality are less likely to work together as a team in parenting their children. They are less likely to support each other and form a united front when discipline their children. They are more likely to triangulate their children, which entails bringing one or more children into the parents struggles and having the children take sides.

Couples who have unequal partnerships ha e more stressful marriages and are less effective parents.

Children who grow up in homes of unequal partnerships are at higher risk for depression, anxiety, drug abuse, and delinquency.

Successful Marriages and Families p43

Question 60

In our societies today, marriage is almost always viewed as a “couple relationship.” What is this and why is it incomplete?

Answer 60

When viewed as a “couple relationship,” marriage is seen as a personal expression of love between two people who want to share their lives together. This view of marriage typically emphasizes personal happiness, emotional gratification, physical attraction, good communication, pleasurable intimacy, and couple comparability as the essential elements of a good marriage.

If people think of marriage only as a “couple relationship,” they miss out on the sacred aspects of marriage that emphasize the need for commitment, sacrifice, selfless caring for one’s spouse, and the benefits of marriage for children. They lack the needed foundation for the divine k story on of marriage that grounds the couples relationship in principles of discipleship, covenant making, cleaving, equal partnership, the sacred responsibilities of husbands and wives, and the eternal purposes of marriage.

To be clear, viewing marriage as a couple relationship is not wrong- it is just incomplete.

Successful Marriages and Families p7

Question 61

Can social science prove that faith makes happier, healthier marriages?

Answer 61

It would be extremely difficult, perhaps impossible for social science to prove that faith causes stronger marriages or other family outcomes. It is reasonable to conclude, for example, that persons in a healthy marriage are more likely to want to attend church together than a couple facing divorce. So, does faith influence family or does family influence faith? The answer is most certainly both- but I terms of social science, the next we can usually do is did over and examine correlations, or relationships, between ideas such as faith and the quality of family life.

Successful Marriages and Families p185

Question 62

What are some scriptures on the topic of prayer that can be applied to Marriage and Family?

Answer 62

Matthew 26:41

Christ advised his Apostles to “watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak.”

Praying is a way to defend ourselves against the temptations that can tear a marriage apart.

Question 63

What are some scriptures on the topic of contention that an be applied to Marriage and Family?

Answer 63

3 Nephi 11:29

Satan strives to “[stir] up the hearts of men to contend with anger”

Question 64

What are some scriptures on the topic of fiery darts that the adversary throws at relationships?

Answer 64

D&C 27:17

17 Taking the shield of faith wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked;

Ephesians 6:16

16 Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

Question 65

Conflict is a universal part of marriage. What eventually leads to dissolution of the marriage for many? What can help protect couples from divorce by healing the relationship and restoring harmony to the marriage?

Answer 65

Unresolved contention leads to divorce for many people.

Prayer can help protect couples from divorce by healing the relationship and restoring harmony to the marriage.

Successful Marriages and Families p197

Question 66

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” the author says he can predict if couples will divorce. What are the clues or indicators that a couple is heading for divorce?

Answer 66

1st sign- Harsh start-ups
This is when couples begin arguing with harsh, accusatory, sarcasm, blame, or loads of negativity
This creates major roadblocks in resolving g differences (even if you talk in a soft voice)
96% of the time you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first 3 minutes of a 15 min interaction-DOOMED TO FAIL!!!

2nd sign-The “Four Horsemen” of Apocalypse
(If allowed to run rampant=lethal to relationships)
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling

Criticism- blanket negative feelings or opinions about a persons character or personality (different than complaints)
Contempt-arises from a sense of superiority over ones partner. It is a form of disrespect. Fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. Can include threats or provocations (belligerence).
Defensiveness- Excuses. Escalates conflict. Your really deflecting by saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.” One common form is the innocent victim stance, “Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There no pleasing you.”
Stonewalling-disengagement; one partner tunes out; more common in men. The stonewaller acts like he could care less what you’re saying, if he even hears it. Usually the first 3 horsemen come first, then the couple is in a negativity spiral and stonewalling enters in.

3rd sign-Flooding
A sensation when a spouse’s negativity is so intense and you feel defenseless that you do anything to avoid a replay. Disengage emotionally; recurring episodes of flooding lead to divorce for 2 reasons: one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other & the physical sensation of feeling flooded- increased heart rate, sweating, etc- make it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem solving discussion.

4th sign-Body Language
Bodily changes during tense conversations-Flooding is extremely physically distressing. Heart speeds up, adrenaline kicks in, blood pressure climbs. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your spouse is saying. You can no longer creative problem solve or use humor. You are left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses: to fight (criticism, contempt, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance in resolving the issue is gone. Discussion will only worsen the situation.

5th sign- Failed repair attempts
In unhappy marriages, a loop develops between the four horsemen, flooding, and the failure of repair attempts. The more contemptuous and defensive the couple are with each other, the more flooding occurs, and the harder it is to hear and respond to a repair attempt. Especially when you are flooded you are not able to hear a verbal white flag. Since the repair is not heard, the contempt and defensiveness get heightened, making flooding more pronounced, which makes it more difficult to hear the next repair attempt, until one partner finally withdraws.

6th sign-Bad Memories
When a relationship is consumed by negativity, it not only puts their present and future in danger, it put the past in danger as well. I have found over and over that couples who are deeply entrenched in a negative view of their spouse and marriage often rewrite their past. In a happy marriage, couples look back on their early days fondly, even hard things. However, when a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten for the worse.

All six of these factors usually co-exist in unhappy marriages. However, sometimes couples will present with very little of the above problems because they are in the last stages of a dying marriage. Here are the final stages that signal death knell of a relationship:

1. The couple see their marital problems as severe
2. Talking things over seems useless. Partners try to solve problems on their own.
3. The couple leads parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.

Summary: seeds of trouble that you can see from the beginning

1) . What partners actually say to each other (the prevalence of harsh startup, the four horsemen, unwillingness to accept influence).
2. Failure of repair attempts
3. Physiological reactions (flooding)
4. Pervasive negative thoughts about their marriage

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” Chapter 3

Question 67

In “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” what are the four horsemen?

Answer 67

2nd sign-The “Four Horsemen” of Apocalypse
(If allowed to run rampant=lethal to relationships)
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, & Stonewalling

Criticism- blanket negative feelings or opinions about a persons character or personality (different than complaints)
Contempt-arises from a sense of superiority over ones partner. It is a form of disrespect. Fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner. Can include threats or provocations (belligerence).
Defensiveness- Excuses. Escalates conflict. Your really deflecting by saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you.” One common form is the innocent victim stance, “Why are you picking on me? What about all the good things I do? There no pleasing you.”
Stonewalling-disengagement; one partner tunes out; more common in men. The stonewaller acts like he could care less what you’re saying, if he even hears it. Usually the first 3 horsemen come first, then the couple is in a negativity spiral and stonewalling enters in.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 68

What is the reason that in 85% of heterosexual marriages the stonewaller is the husband?

Answer 68

Our evolutionary heritage:

Most nursing mothers will tell you the amount of milk you produce is affected by how relaxed you feel. So natural selection would favor a female who could quickly soothe herself and calm down after feeling stressed, thereby enhancing her child’s chances of survival. Females have greater ability to remain composed. In males it’s the opposite. Maintaining vigilance was a key survival skill. Males whose adrenaline kicked in readily and who did not calm down easily were more likely to survive. Male cardiovascular systems are more reactive and slower to recover from stress. Summary- marital confrontation takes a greater toll physically on the man so it’s no surprise they are more likely to try and avoid it.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 69

Why is it that in most marriages (including happy, healthy ones) the wife brings up sensitive issues?

Answer 69

She is physically and constitutionally better able to handle the stress.

The husband, who is not as able to cope with it, will attempt to avoid getting into the subject. He may become defensive or stonewall. Or he may even become belligerent or contemptuous in an attempt to silence her.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Marriage Work -Chapter 3

Question 70

Will you find instances of the four horsemen and flooding in stable marriages?

Answer 70

Yes, but when they take up permanent residence, and either partner feels flooded routinely the relationship is in serious trouble.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 71

What does frequent emotional flooding inevitably lead to?

Answer 71

Emotional distancing

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 72

What happens to couples once the four horsemen and frequent flooding have become the norm rather than the exception?

Answer 72

Without help, the couple will end up divorced or living in a dead marriage in which they maintain separate, parallel lives in the same home. They may go through the motions of togetherness- attending children’s plays, hosting dinner parties, taking family vacations. But they no longer feel connected emotionally. They have give up.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 73

When you add failed repair attempts to the four horsemen, what happens to the accuracy rate of predicting divorce? (Reword question??)

Answer 73

The failure of repair attempts is an accurate marker for an unhappy future. The presence of the four horsemen alone predicts divorce with an 82% accuracy rate. But when you add in the failure of repair attempts , the accuracy rate reaches into the 90’s.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Chapter 3

Question 74

When couples are in trouble, why does it take more than just teaching them to argue without being overridden by the four horsemen and without getting emotionally flooded?

Answer 74

They have to start doing what goes right in happy marriages. It’s about how you engage with each other when you are not fighting. “Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide.”

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work p51

Question 75

What is “flooding?” What is the physical response that people feel when they are flooded?

Answer 75

Flooding occurs when your spouses negativity and accusations is so intense and sudden that it leaves you shell-shocked. It is sever emotional distress.

1. Heart speeds up
2. Hormonal changes, including secretion of adrenaline which kicks in the fight or flight response
3. Blood pressure goes up
4. Sweating

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work p41

Question 76

What is one of the essential keys to a fulfilling life and why is it important?

Answer 76

One of the essential keys to a fulfilling life is intentionality.

Intentionality means intentionally doing things which bring about happiness was. The same is true for a fulfilling and satisfactory marriage. Only couples who make very deliberate efforts to nourish and strengthen their marital relationship will be able to say, 25 years from now, that their marriage is thriving. In reality, these are probably the same couples who will qualify for an eternal partnership. How do you do this? One way is to establish marriage rituals. (See take back your marriage chapters 8,9, &10).

Question 77

What is intentionality?

Answer 77

Intentionality means intentionally doing things which bring about happiness was. The same is true for a fulfilling and satisfactory marriage. Only couples who make very deliberate efforts to nourish and strengthen their marital relationship will be able to say, 25 years from now, that their marriage is thriving. In reality, these are probably the same couples who will qualify for an eternal partnership. How do you do this? One way is to establish marriage rituals. (See take back your marriage chapters 8,9, &10).

Question 78

The institution of marriage is governed by _______________.

Answer 78

Social norms

Marriage and Family: The quest for intimacy Lauer