Final Flashcards
1
Q
relational value
A
the degree to which others consider their relationships with us to be valuable and important
2
Q
when relational value is high…
A
others value our company and prioritize their partnerships with us and we feel appreciated, respected and accepted by them
3
Q
when relational value is low…
A
others do not seek us out or choose us for their teams and they’re not much interested in who we are and what we have to say; we feel unwanted
4
Q
various degrees and acceptance and rejection in dealings with others
A
maximal inclusion, active inclusion, passive inclusion, ambivalence, passive exclusion, active exclusion, maximal exclusion
5
Q
maximal inclusion
A
- strongest possible acceptance
- others are eager to be with us
- important enough to them that if they wanted to host a party, they’d change the date or cancel if we can’t come
6
Q
active inclusion
A
important to someone, but not so important that they can’t go on without us
7
Q
passive inclusion
A
when someone does not dislike us, but we’re a low priority for them
- when others don’t invite us to their parties but are content to let us in if we hear about the gatherings and just show up
8
Q
ambivalence
A
when others are neither accepting nor rejecting
9
Q
passive exclusion
A
when others ignore us and wish we were elsewhere
10
Q
active exclusion
A
when others go out of their way to avoid us altogether
11
Q
maximal exclusion
A
when others want us gone
- others order us to leave their parties when they find us there
12
Q
unrequited love
A
being accepted and liked by others, but still feeling hurt because they don’t like us as much as we want them to
13
Q
core ingredient of stresses and strains
A
the perception that others value their relationships with us less than we want them to
14
Q
perceived relational value
A
the apparent importance that others attach to their relationships with us
15
Q
once we find that others don’t want us around…
A
it hardly matters whether they dislike us a little or a lot
- mild rejection from others usually feels just as bad as more extreme rejection does
16
Q
feelings are hurt more according to…
A
decreases in the acceptance we receive from others
- rather than the level of rejection
17
Q
relational devaluation
A
apparent decreases in others’ regard for us
18
Q
influences that affect how hurt people feel when experiencing relational devaluation
A
- attachment styles
- self-esteem
19
Q
attachment styles and relational devaluation
A
- people who have high levels of anxiety about abandonment experience more hurt in response to drops in perceived relational value than those with lower anxiety do
- people who are high in avoidance of intimacy experience less pain when others withdraw
20
Q
ostracism
A
when people are ignored by those around them
21
Q
ostracizers’ beliefs
A
justify their actions as an effective way to punish their partners, avoid confrontation, or to calm down and cool off following a conflict
22
Q
why ostracism can be potent and painful
A
threatens basic social needs
- need to belong
- damages feelings of self-worth
- reduces perceived control over our interactions
23
Q
those who undergo ostracism
A
- initial reactions involve confusion and unhappy disarray
- bodies show signs of stress (adrenal glands dump cortisol into the blood)
- time seems to pass more slowly
24
Q
when belongingness is threatened, people who are being ostracized may…
A
- work hard to regain their partners’ regard, being compliant and doing what their tormentors want, especially when they think the relationship and their relational value can be repaired
- Or, they may start looking for new, less punishing partners
25
when ostracism seems illegitimate, unjust, and threatens people's feelings of control...
ostracized people may get angry and dismiss the opinions of those who are ignoring them as unfounded, unfair, and dim-witted and then they become more surly and aggressive
26
ostracism and self-esteem
- people with high self-esteem are relatively unlikely to put up with ostracism and are more likely to end the relationship and seek new partners
- people with low self-esteem experience more ostracism and are more likely to carry a grudge and to ostracize others in return
27
jealousy
three feelings that define jealousy best are hurt, anger, and fear
28
jealousy and hurt
hurt follows from the perception that our partners do not value us enough to honor their commitments to our relationships
29
jealousy and fear and anxiety
results from the dreadful prospect of abandonment and loss
30
reactive jealousy
when someone becomes aware of an actual threat to a valued relationship; always occurs in response to an actual, realistic danger
31
suspicious jealousy
when one's partner has not misbehaved and one's suspicions do not fit the facts at hand
- results in worried and mistrustful vigilance and snooping as the jealous partner seeks to confirm their suspicions
32
dependence and jealousy
- When people feel that they need a particular partner because their alternatives are poor (low CLalt), any threat to their relationship is especially menacing
- People who have desirable alternatives tend to be less jealous because they have less to lose if the relationship ends
33
feelings of inadequacy and jealousy
People who worry that they can’t measure up to their partners’ expectations or who fret that they’re not what their lovers are looking for are less certain that their relationships will last
34
predictors of jealousy
- dependence on a relationship
- feelings of inadequacy in the relationship
- self-confidence in a relationship affected by a person's global sense of self-worth
- self-esteem
- whether one partner is more desirable than the other
- attachment styles
- personality traits
35
attachment styles and jealousy
- Preoccupied people seek closeness with others but they remain chronically worried that their partners don’t love them enough in return
- Preoccupied people experience more jealousy than do those with the other three types
- People with dismissing style of attachment are least likely to experience jealousy
36
personality traits and jealousy
- People who are high in negative emotionality are particularly prone to jealousy
- Agreeable people are less likely than others to become jealous
- The partners of people who are high in Dark Triad traits are probably jealous more often
37
who gets us jealous?
- particularly obnoxious when our friends start horning in on our romantic relationships
- especially painful when our partners start expressing renewed interest in their former lovers
- romantic rivals who have high mate value that make us look bad by comparison
38
evolutionary perspective of jealousy
evolved to motivate behavior designed to protect our close relationships from interference of others --> reproduce more successfully
39
paternity uncertainty and jealousy
Potential evolutionary costs of failing to detect a partner’s infidelity are so great that sexual selection may have favored men who were too suspicious of their partners’ faithfulness
40
evolutionary perspective of jealousy in men vs. women
- men should experience more jealousy at the thought of sexual infidelity (paternity uncertainty)
- women should experience more jealousy at the thought of emotional infidelity (need to keep the man around to continue providing needed resources)
41
attachment styles influence how people respond to jealousy
- Those with secure or preoccupied attachment styles are more likely to express their concerns and to try to repair their relationships than are those with more avoidant styles
- People who are dismissing or fearful are more likely to avoid the issue or deny their distress by pretending nothing is wrong or by acting like they don’t care
42
study of a hypothetical situation in which the participant leaves their romantic partner sitting on a couch at a party to refill drinks and while they’re gone their partner’s ex happens by and sits for a moment, then they share a light kiss of greeting just as the participant returns
- women seek to improve the relationship; they intended to put on a show of indifference but compete with the rival by making themselves more attractive to their partners
- men would strive to protect their egos; they planned to get drunk, confront and threaten the rival, and pursue other women
43
women are more likely than men to try to get their partners jealous
- Induce jealousy by discussing or exaggerating their attraction to other men, sometimes by flirting with or dating them
- Typically seek to test the relationship or try to elicit more attention and commitment from their partner
- Evidently want men to respond the way that women do when they get jealous, with greater effort to protect and maintain the relationship
44
clinical approaches to the treatment of jealousy usually try to...
- Reduce irrational, catastrophic thinking that exaggerates either the threat to the relationship or the harm that its loss would entail
- Enhance the self-esteem of the jealous partner
- Improve communication skills so the partners can clarify their expectations and agree on limits that prevent jealous misunderstandings
- Increase satisfaction and fairness in the relationship
45
deception
intentional behavior that creates an impression in the recipient that the deceiver knows to be untrue
46
conceal information
not mention details that would communicate the truth
47
divert attention
abruptly changing topics to avoid the discussion of touchy subjects
48
half-truths
mix truthful and deceptive information; misleading
49
deceiver's distrust
when people lie to others, they often begin to perceive the recipients of the lies as less honest and trustworthy as a result
50
lying is usually apparent in...
changes in a person's ordinary demeanor
51
truth bias
when someone assumes that their partner is usually telling the truth
52
people tell fewer lies in the relationships they find...
most rewarding
53
betrayals
disagreeable, hurtful actions by people we trusted and from whom we reasonably did not expect such treachery
54
betrayals involve...
painful drops in perceived relational value
55
when people try to be loyal simultaneously to several different relationships...
competing demands are inescapable
- when obligations overlap, occasional violations of the norms in a given relationship may be unavoidable
- can lead to perceived betrayals
56
individual differences in betrayal
- betrayal less frequent among those who are older, better educated, and religious
- those who repeated betrayals of others tend to be vengeful, suspicious, manipulative people who score higher on the Dark Triad traits
- men more likely to betray their romantic partners and business associates
- women more likely to betray their friends and family members
57
those who betray their intimate partners usually underestimate the harm they do
- people tend to excuse and minimize actions that their partners may find quite harmful
- often consider their behavior to be inconsequential and innocuous and they are quick to describe mitigating circumstances that vindicate their actions
58
why revenge for betrayal isn't a good idea
- perpetrators and victims rarely agree on the amount of retribution that's just
- we routinely expect revenge to be more satisfying than it turns out to be
- those who are given an opportunity for revenge typically stay distressed and surly longer than those who are wronged but then just have to move on and get over it
59
cycle of vengefulness
when victims inflict reciprocal injury that seems to them to be equal to the harm they suffered but their retribution seems excessive to the original perpetrators, the original perpetrators may feel that they need to hurt the original victims again to balance the scales
60
people who are prone to vengeance
tend to be pretty sour people who are high in negative emotionality, low in agreeableness, and generally less happy with life
- Dark Triad traits
61
forgiveness
a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you
62
influences that affect how readily people forgive
- attachment style
- self-control
- specific ingredients like contrition and a desire to continue the relationship
63
attachment styles and forgiveness
- Anxiety about abandonment and avoidance of intimacy both make people less forgiving
- Secure people are more forgiving because they engage in less angry rumination that keeps an injury fresh in their minds
- Those who are high in agreeableness forgive others relatively easily
- Negative emotionality impedes forgiveness
64
specific ingredients that promote forgiveness
- genuine, sincere contrition --> when the offenders offer a meaningful apology by acknowledging their wrongs, accepting responsibility for their actions, offering genuine atonement by expressing shame, regret, and remorse for their misbehavior, and promising better conduct in the future
- desire to continue the relationship on the part of the victim
- when victims brood about their partners' transgressions and remain preoccupied with the damage done by their misbehavior
65
when forgiveness is granted...
- the perpetrators are often grateful and, as a result, are more repentant and less likely to repeat the offense
- reduces conflict and encourages communication that can decrease declines in satisfaction and commitment
66
conflict
occurs when one's wishes or actions actually obstruct or impede those of someone else
67
conflict inescapable for two reasons
- The moods and preferences of any two people will occasionally differ; intermittent incompatibilities between two partners’ goals and behaviors will inevitably rise
- Conflict is unavoidable because there are certain tensions that are woven into the fabric of close relationships that will, sooner or later, always cause some strains
68
dialectics
opposing motivations that can never be entirely satisfied because they contradict each other
69
dialectics in close relationships
- personal autonomy and connection with others
- openness and closedness
- stability and change
- integration with and separation from one's social network
70
influences on frequency of conflict
- personality
- attachment style
- stage of life
- similarity
- stress
- sleep
- alcohol
71
personality and frequency of conflict
- People who are high in negative emotionality are impulsive and irascible and they have more unhappy disagreements with others than those who experience fewer negative emotions
- People high in agreeableness are good natured, cooperative, and generally easy to get along with and have fewer conflicts; if conflict does occur, they also react more constructively than people of low agreeableness do
72
attachment style and frequency of conflict
- Secure people encounter less conflict; and manage it better when it does occur
- People who are anxious about abandonment nervously perceive dissension and difficulty where it does not exist and they respond with greater hurt and distress than others would
- Couples comprised of an anxious and avoidant partner are especially combustible, the exaggerated fears of the anxious drives the avoidant away, and the withdrawal of the avoidance further fuels the anxious’s worries
73
stage of life and frequency of conflict
- typical for people to develop lasting romances and begin professional careers in their mid-20s, and these life changes are routinely associated with increased conflict
- conflict with romantic partners increases steadily from late teens to mid-20s, but things settle down somewhat thereafter
- relationships get even more placid in elder years
- older couples usually have fewer disagreements about children and money and other touchy topics than middle-aged couples do; they manage the conflict they do have with less belligerence and more humor and respect for each other
74
similarity and frequency of conflict
the less similar the partners, the more conflict
75
stress and frequency of conflict
People who have had hard, stressful days tend to be irritable and ornery when they get home, and the greater the combined stress two partners have experienced during the day, the more likely they are to encounter conflict that evening
76
sleep and frequency of conflict
- Partners tend to sleep poorly after they quarrel, and that leaves them grumpy and irritable the next day
- Whenever either partner has slept poorly, romantic partners encounter more conflict that day
77
alcohol and frequency of conflict
intoxication exacerbates conflict
78
course of conflict
- instigating events
- engagement and escalation
- demand/withdraw pattern
- negotiation and accommodation
79
four common categories of events that instigate conflict
criticism, illegitimate demands, rebuffs, and cumulative annoyances
80
criticism
involves verbal or nonverbal acts that are judged to communicate unfair dissatisfaction with a partner's behavior, attitude, or trait
81
illegitimate demands
involve requests that seem unjust because they exceed the normal expectations that the partners hold for each other
81
rebuffs
involve situations in which "one person appeals to another for a desired reaction, and the other person fails to respond as expected"
82
cumulative annoyances
relatively trivial events that become irritating with repetition
- often take the form of social allergies
83
social allergies
through repeated exposure to small recurring nuisances, people may develop hypersensitive reactions of disgust and exasperation that seem out of proportion to any particular provocation
84
Peterson's general model of conflict
- first choice: deciding either to address the issue or to avoid it and let it drop
- Avoidance occurs only when both partners wish to evade the issue and it presumably transpires either when the event is seen as insufficient to warrant active dispute or when the issue seems intractable and conflict will do no good
- Otherwise the issue is addressed through negotiation or escalation
85
negotiation in engagement and escalation
seek to resolve the conflict through rational problem solving
86
escalation in engagement and escalation
conflict heats up; often involves the dysfunctional forms of communication; other issues may get dragged into the interaction, scornful disregard of the partner may be expressed, and belligerent demands and threats may be made
87
when partners say mean and nasty things to each other, they can be of two types
direct or indirect tactics
88
direct tactics in conflict
explicitly challenging one's partner
- Accusations that criticize the partner and attribute negative qualities to them
- Hostile commands for compliance that sometimes involve threats of physical or emotional harm
- Antagonistic questions
- Surly or sarcastic put-downs that communicate disgust or disapproval
89
indirect tactics in conflict
manage the conflict in a less straightforward manner; one's displeasure is veiled and one's intentions are less explicit
- Condescension or implied negativity that hints at animosity or arrogance
- Dysphoric affect, such as melancholy, dejection, or whining
- Attempts to change topics preemptively
- Evasive remarks that fail to acknowledge the partner or that fail to recognize the conflict
90
negative affect reciprocity
partners trade escalating provocations back and forth
91
flooding
when people become overwhelmed by high arousal and strong emotional and are unable, for a time, to think straight
92
demand/withdraw pattern
one partner engages in demanding forms of behavior, such as complaints, criticisms, and pressures for changes, while the other partner engages in withdrawing forms of behavior, such as half-hearted involvement, changing the topic, avoiding discussion, or even walking away
93
demand/withdraw pattern can be self-perpetuating
Frustrated by the withdrawer’s retreat, the demander is likely to become more insistent that the issue be addressed, but this increased pressure makes the withdrawer even more resistant and close-lipped, and the pattern continues
94
social structure hypothesis
the demand/withdraw pattern results from pervasive differences in the power of men and women in society and marriage alike
95
four categories of four different types of responses to conflict and dissatisfaction in a relationship
active or passive, constructive or destructive
96
four types of responses to conflict and dissatisfaction in a relationship
voice, loyalty, neglect, exit
97
voice as a response to conflict
behaving in an active, constructive manner by trying to improve the situation by discussing matters with the partner, changing one’s behavior in an effort to solve the problem, or obtaining advice from a friend or therapist
98
loyalty as a response to conflict
behaving in a passive but constructive manner by optimistically waiting and hoping for conditions to improve
99
neglect as a response to conflict
behaving in a passive but destructive manner by avoiding discussion of critical issues and reducing interdependence with the partner
100
exit as a response to conflict
behaving in an actively destructive manner by leaving the partner, threatening to end the relationship, or engaging in abusive acts such as yelling or hitting
101
four types of couples when dealing with conflict
volatile, validators, avoiders, hostiles
102
volatile
these couples have frequent and passionate arguments; they plunge into fiery efforts to persuade and influence each other and often display high levels of negative affect, but they temper their anger with plenty of wit and evident fondness for each other
103
validators
these couples fight more politely; they tend to behave more like collaborators; their discussions may become heated, but they frequently validate each other by expressing empathy for, and understanding of, the other’s point of view
104
avoiders
these couples rarely argue; they avoid confrontation, and when a conflict arises, they’re unlikely to discuss it; they’ll often try to fix it on their own or wait it out, hoping that the passage of time will solve the problem; if they do get around to discussing their conflicts, they do so mildly and gingerly
105
hostiles
couples who fail to maintain a 5-to-1 ratio of nice behavior to nasty conduct; their discussions are sprinkled with too much criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal, and the longer they last, the more oppressive they become
106
five ways in which conflicts can end
separation, domination, compromise, integrative agreements, structural improvement
107
separation
occurs when one or both partners withdraw without resolving the conflict
108
domination
one partner gets their way when the other capitulates
109
compromise
occurs when both parties reduce their aspirations or gradually change their goals so that a mutually acceptable alternative can be found; neither partner gets everything they want, nor goes empty handed
110
integrative agreements
satisfy both partners’ original goals and aspirations, usually through creativity and flexibility
111
structural improvement
the partners not only get what they want but also learn and grow and make desirable changes to the relationship
112
speaker-listener technique
provides a structure for calm, clear communication about contentious issues that promotes the use of active listening skills and increases the chances that partners will understand and validate each other despite their disagreement
113
how to use the speaker-listener technique
- To use this technique, partners designate a small object as the “floor”
- Whoever has the floor is the speaker → concisely describe their feelings using “I-statements”
- The listener’s job is to listen without interrupting and then to paraphrase the speaker’s message
- When the speaker is satisfied that their feelings have been understood, the floor changes hands and the partners switch roles
114
power
the ability to influence or change the thoughts, feelings, or behavior of others to suit our purposes and to resist their influence on us
115
from an interdependence perspective, power is...
based on the control of valuable resources
116
principle of lesser interest
in any partnership, the person who has less interest in continuing and maintaining the relationship has more power in that partnership
- usually the partner who is less committed
117
influences on power in a relationship
- availability of alternative sources of desired resources (available alternatives)
- men's greater interest in sex gives women power
118
interdependence theory recognizes two different broad types of power
fate control and behavior control
119
fate control
one can autocratically determine what outcomes a partner receives, thereby controlling the other’s fate
120
behavior control
by changing one’s own behavior, one encourages a partner to alter their actions in a desirable direction
121
types of resources
reward power, coercive power, legitimate power, referent power, expert power, informational power
122
reward power
a person’s ability to bestow various rewards on someone else
123
coercive power
a person’s ability to bestow various punishments on someone else
124
legitimate power
exists when our partners believe that we have a reasonable right to tell them what to do and they have an obligation to comply
- Can be cultural
- Comes from being in a form of authority
- Other form comes in that of norms: reciprocity, equity, social responsibility
125
reciprocity in legitimate power
encourages us to do unto others as they have done unto us
126
equity in legitimate power
if your partner has done extra housework lately, an invitation to fold some laundry might be difficult to decline
127
social responsibility in legitimate power
urges us to be generous to those who depend on us
128
referent power
when our partner adores us and wishes to do what we want because they feel connected to us
129
expert power
when our partners recognize our superior knowledge and experience and are influenced by us because we know more than they do
130
informational power
when we have specific pieces of information that influence our partners’ behavior
131
in most heterosexual relationships, the dominant partner is the...
man
132
reasons why men generally have more power in heterosexual relationships
- relative resources
- universalistic resources
- particularistic resources
- social norms
- not sure what equality would look like
- men often have a lot of coercive power due to their typically larger size and greater strength
133
relative resources
- Men get paid more than women for the work they do even when it’s the same work
- Men are far more likely to hold the reins of governmental, judicial, and corporate power
- Men often have status and money more than women
134
universalistic resources
can be exchanged with almost anyone in a wide variety of situations and whoever controls them has considerable freedom in deciding what to do with them
- money
135
particularistic resources
valuable in some situations but not in others and they may confer power to their owner only with particular partners
- love
136
components of the process of power
- conversation
- nonverbal behavior
- nonverbal sensitivity
- styles of power
137
conversation and power
- During discussions of personal priorities, the more often someone successfully interrupted their partner, the more powerful they were perceived to be
- Women tend not to speak to men with the same implicit strength and power that they display toward other women
138
nonverbal behavior and power
Powerful people use larger interpersonal distances, look at others longer, and assume postures that are less symmetrical and that take up more space than those of people who are less powerful
139
nonverbal sensitivity and power
- Powerful people recognize emotion in others’ voices and facial expressions less accurately than those with lower power do
- Less powerful people can then increase their power when they carefully monitor their supervisors’ moods
140
two themes of styles of power
- direct and indirect
- extent to which people sought their goals through interaction with their partners (bilateral, unilateral)
141
direct style of power
sometimes explicitly asked for what they wanted, straightforwardly announcing their wishes or making unambiguous requests
142
indirect style of power
hinted at what they wanted or pouted when their wishes were unfulfilled, but they never came right out and said what they wanted
143
bilateral style of power
reasoned or bargained with their partners in efforts to persuade them to provide some desired outcome; sought cooperation or collaboration from their partners; involved both members of the couple
144
unilateral style of power
doing what they wanted without involving their partners
145
dark side to power
some people actively seek to be the top dogs in their relationships and they tend to be controlling, domineering people who have unhappy partners
146
violence
behaving in a manner that is intended to do physical harm to others
147
situational couple violence (SCV)
typically erupts from heated conflicts that get out of hand; occurs when both partners are angry and is tied to specific arguments, so it is only occasional and is usually mild, being unlikely to escalate into serious, life-threatening forms of aggression
- often mutual
148
intimate terrorism (IT)
one partner uses violence as a tool to control and oppress the other
- Tactics include physical force and coercion as well as patterns of threats, isolation, and economic subordination
- Compared to SCV, intimate terrorism is more likely to be one-sided, to escalate over time, and to involve serious injury to its target
- disproportionately authored by men
149
violent resistance
a partner forcibly fights back against intimate terrorism
150
gender differences in intimate violence
- women direct just as much or even more physical violence at their partners than men do
- Men and women tend to exhibit violent behavior of different severity
151
women and intimate violence
- more likely to throw something, kick, bite, scratch, or punch their partners
- more likely to engage in direct aggression, trying to ruin someone's reputation by spreading rumor or gossip for example
152
men and intimate violence
- more likely to choke, strangle, or beat up their partners
- more likely to rape or murder their partners
153
correlates of violence
- Most acts of violence in close relationships result from impetuous, impulsive failures of self-control (SCV)
- SCV and IT seem to spring from somewhat different sources
154
I-cubed model
organizes influences on SCV into instigating triggers, impelling influences, and inhibiting influences
155
instigating triggers (I-cubed model)
- cause one or both partners to be frustrated or on edge
- Anything about a couple’s interaction that causes frustration or aggravation can set the model in motion
- Jealousy-evoking events
- Remembered or discovered betrayals
- Real or imagined rejection
- verbal or physical abuse from one's partner
156
impelling influences (I-cubed model)
make it more likely that the partners will experience violent impulses
- can be predisposed to violence from events much earlier in life (witnessing violence in the home as a child, consuming a lot of aggressive media over the years)
- enduring personal characteristics
- men with traditional, sex-typed gender roles and those with attitudes that condone a little force now and then as a normal way of doing things
- couples with poor communication skills or mismatched attachment styles engage in more violence
157
inhibiting influences (I-cubed model)
encourage the partners to refrain from acting on those impulses for violence
- Violence is less likely in cultures that promote gender equality and that are enjoying economic prosperity
- Conscientious people are less likely than others to aggress when they’re angry
- one's dispositional capacity for self-control
- Couples with good problem-solving skills who love and care for one another are less likely to lash out
- commitment makes violence less likely
158
impelling and inhibitory influences (I-cubed model) can be...
distal, dispositional, relational, or situational
159
distal influences (I-cubed model)
emerge from one’s background
- include cultural norms, economic conditions, and family experiences
160
dispositional influences (I-cubed model)
personality traits and long-standing beliefs
161
relational influences (I-cubed model)
the current state of the couple's relationship
162
situational influences (I-cubed model)
immediate circumstances
163
people who perpetuate intimate terrorism come from two types
- Some may resort to violence because they are rather clumsy and pathetic and threats of harm are their wretched efforts to keep their partners from leaving
- Others are more malevolent; they are antisocial or narcissistic and violence is just another tool with which to get what they want
164
increased likelihood of perpetuating intimate terrorism
- often witnessed violent conflict between parents and have been sexually abused themselves --> Much more likely than other men to think of women as adversaries to be used for one’s satisfaction and pleasure
- may be generally aggressive
- Set of surly attitudes is often combined with feelings of inadequacy that make violence seem to be one of the terrorist’s few resources of power
- terrorists often feel intellectually inferior to their partners and have low self-esteem
165
rationales of violence
Men who engage in intimate terrorism often subscribe to masculine codes that promote a man’s authority over women, but many of them feel inadequate to the task
166
why don't those who undergo abuse leave?
- many don't think they'll be better off if they go
- costs of leaving may seem too high
- economic status
- fear of even greater violence
- some don't want to go
- Women who have high anxiety about abandonment are sometimes drawn to possessive, controlling men
167
why has divorce rate increased?
- We seem to hold different, more demanding expectations for marriage than people used to
- marriage is no longer the practical necessity it used to be
- most women work outside of the home now
- poverty has a large impact on marital quality
- gender roles are changing (division of household tasks)
- Western culture is becoming more individualistic
- relying on our spouses more --> expect them to fulfill a wider variety of interpersonal needs, which increases the probability that they will disappoint us in one way or another
- People who move often from place to place are more willing to cut ties with their friends and lovers and are more prone to divorce
- Our shared perceptions of divorce are less negative than they used to be
- The advent of no-fault divorce laws in the US made a divorce much easier to obtain and helped make the procedure more socially acceptable
- On average, we feel that a divorce is a more reasonable and more desirable response to a bad marriage than our parents did
- Our more favorable attitudes toward divorce appear to reduce the quality of our marriages as time goes by
- Most couples cohabit before they marry these days and people who cohabit encounter an increased risk of divorce later on
- As more parents divorce, more children witness family conflict and grow up in broken homes → children who experience the divorce of their parents are more likely to be divorced themselves when they become adults
- Because divorce is now so commonplace, more of us have friends who will someday divorce → causes us to have an increased risk of divorce as well
168
women entering the workforce and its effect on divorce rates
- Spouses report more conflict between work and family than they used to
- The more hours a wife works during the week, the lower the quality of her marriage tends to be
- Both spouses are affected by their problems at work, so that decreases in job satisfaction are associated with increases in marital discord
- Participation in the labor force increases spouses’ access to interesting, desirable, alternative partners
- Women earn more money than they used to, and around the world, divorce rates are higher when women are financially independent of men
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Western culture becoming more individualistic and its effect on divorce rate
- Less likely to live near our extended families and less likely to know our neighbors
- Participate in fewer clubs and social organizations, entertain at home less frequently, and move more often
- Receive less social support and companionship from friends and acquaintances and we rely on our spouses more
- People who are less connected to their communities are less affected by community norms that might discourage them from divorcing
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casual cohabitation and its effect on divorce rate
- Less respect for the institution of marriage
- Less favorable expectations about the outcomes of marriage
- Increased willingness to divorce
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Levinger's Barrier Model
identified three elements that influence the breakup of relationships: attraction, alternatives, barriers
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attraction (Levinger's Barrier Model)
enhanced by the rewards a relationship offers (such as enjoyable companionship, sexual fulfillment, security, and social status) and it is diminished by its costs (such as irritating incompatibility and the investment of time and energy)
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alternatives (Levinger's Barrier Model)
any alternative to a current relationship, such as other partners, being single, or achieving occupational success, may lure someone away from an existing relationship
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barriers (Levinger's Barrier Model)
include the legal and social pressures to remain married, religious and moral constraints, and the financial costs of obtaining a divorce and maintaining two households
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vulnerability-stress-adaptation model
three influences that contribute to divorce: enduring vulnerabilities, adaptive processes, stressful events
- feedback loops and overlapping influences
- quality of our marriages emerges from the interplay of who we are, the circumstances we encounter, and the manner in which we respond to those circumstances (these influences affect each other to some degree)
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enduring vulnerabilities (vulnerability-stress-adaptation model)
factors that people enter marriage with that increase risk of divorce
- Adverse experiences in one’s family of origin
- Poor education
- Maladaptive personality traits
- Bad social skills
- Dysfunctional attitudes toward marriage
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adaptive processes (vulnerability-stress-adaptation model)
how people respond to stress
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stressful events (vulnerability-stress-adaptation model)
require the partners to provide support to one another and to adjust to new circumstances
- some stressors befall some marriages and not others
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stress spillover
we bring surly moods home and interact irascible with our innocent partners
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Processes of Adaptation in Intimate Relationships (PAIR) Project
- kept track of 169 couples who married in 1981
- Focused on the manner in which spouses adapted to their lives together
- After only 13 years, 35% of couples had divorced and another 20% weren’t happy; only 45% could be said to be happily married and even they were less satisfied and less loving than they had been when they were wed
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three models developed based on the PAIR project
enduring dynamics model, emergent distress model, disillusionment model
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enduring dynamics model
suggests that spouses bring to their marriages problems, incompatibilities, and enduring vulnerabilities that surface during their courtship
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emergent distress model
the problematic behavior that ultimately destroys a couple begins after they marry; as time goes by, some couples fall into a rut of increasing conflict and negativity that did not exist when the marriage began
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disillusionment model
couples typically begin their marriages with rosy, romanticized views of their relationship that are unrealistically positive; then, as time goes by and the spouses stop working as hard to be adorable and charming to each other, reality slowly erodes these pleasant fictions
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suggestions to improve marriages and reduce risk of divorce based on enduring dynamics model
rocky courtships lead to bad marriages and premarital interventions that keep ambivalent couples from ever marrying should prevent many subsequent divorces
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suggestions to improve marriages and reduce risk of divorce based on emergent distress model
couples need to guard against slow slides into disagreeableness and negativity, and interventions that encourage spouses to remain cheerful, generous, attentive, and kind should keep divorce from the door
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suggestions to improve marriages and reduce risk of divorce based on disillusionment model
dispassionate and accurate perceptions of one’s lover and one’s relationship that preclude subsequent disappointment and disenchantment should prevent divorce
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two conclusions made by PAIR project
- The size and speed of changes in romance best predict which couples will divorce
- The problems couples bring to their marriage determine how quickly a divorce will occur
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Early Years of Marriage (EYM) Project
- followed 174 white couples and 199 black couples in and around Detroit, Michigan since they married in 1986
- 16 years after the project began, 36% of white couples had divorced while 55% of black couples had divorced
- On average, the black couples had cohabited for a longer period and were more likely to have had children before getting married; they also had lower incomes and were more likely to come from broken homes
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three general types of influences on marital outcomes
- cultural context --> broadest level; cultural norms and other variables that set the national stage for marriage
- personal contexts --> social networks of family and friends, the physical neighborhoods we inhabit
- relational context --> the intimate environment couples create through their own perceptions of, and interactions with, each other
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most important specific predictors of divorce
- socioeconomic status
- no-fault legislation
- social mobility (moving from place to place)
- age at marriage (people who marry as teenagers are more likely to divorce than are those who marry after age 25)
- prior marriage
- personality
- attachment style
- genetics
- marital dissatisfaction
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other specific predictors of divorce
- race
- sex ratios
- working women
- parental divorce
- religion
- teenage sex
- premarital cohabitation
- premarital parenthood
- expensive weddings
- unintended parenthood
- children
- stepchildren
- similarity
- health insurance
- sociosexuality
- lesbianism
- stress hormones
- stressful life events
- time together
- alcohol and drug abuse
- infidelity
- attitudes toward marriage
- implicit attitudes
- inequities in housework
- marital interactions
- perceived support
- sexual satisfaction
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personality as a predictor of divorce
- The higher one’s negative emotionality, the more likely they are to divorce
- Those who are high in Machiavellianism or psychopathy are more likely to divorce
194
attachment style as a predictor of divorce
- People with insecure attachment styles are more likely to divorce
- Higher risk associated with avoidance of intimacy than with anxiety about abandonment, but both undermine marital bliss
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key distinctions between different trajectories of premarital relationship dissolution
- direct or indirect --> explicitly stating the effort to disengage or using indirect strategies to end the relationship without ever saying so
- other-oriented or self-oriented --> trying to protect the partner's feelings or being more selfish at the expense of the partner's feelings
- gradual vs. sudden onset of one's discontent
- individual vs. shared desire to end the relationship
- rapid vs. protracted nature of one's exit
- presence or absence of repair attempts
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persevering indirectness
premarital relationships ended involved gradual dissatisfaction that led one of the two partners to make repeated efforts to dissolve the relationship without ever announcing that intention and without engaging in any attempts to improve or repair the relationship
- single most common manner in which premarital relationships ended
197
typical elements of partners' efforts to end their relationships
- Process usually begins when one partner grows bored with the relationship and begins noticing other people
- That partner grows distant and less involved emotionally, but this often leads to an initial effort to restore the relationship and put things back the way they were
- The partners spend less time together and when a lack of interest resurfaces, thoughts of breaking up begin
- Discussion of the relationship ensues and the couple agrees to try again to work things out, but they continue to notice other people and they become more withdrawn
- They see others, but that engenders a short-lived desire to reunite that is followed by more contemplation of calling it quits
- They prepare themselves psychologically and then break up
- Relational cleansing often follows
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relational cleansing
people may change or hide their relationship status on profile pages, de-friend their ex-partners or block their texts, and edit photos on their walls; but they may still be haunted when unwanted news of ex-partners show up in their feeds due to their continued contact with mutual friends
199
five general steps to divorce
personal phase, dyadic phase, social phase, gravedressing phase, resurrection phase
200
personal phase
a partner grows dissatisfied, often feeling frustration and disgruntlement
201
dyadic phase
the unhappy partner reveals their discontent; long period of negotiation, confrontation, or attempts at accommodation may follow and common feelings include shock, anger, hurt, and sometimes relief
202
social phase
partners publicize their distress, explaining their side of the story to family and friends and seeking support and understanding
203
gravedressing phase
mourning decreases and the partners begin to get over their loss by doing whatever cognitive work and relational cleansing are required to put their past partnerships behind them
- Memories are revised and tidied up and an acceptable story for the course of the relationship is created
- Rationalization and reassessment are likely to occur
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resurrection phase
the ex-partners re-enter social life as singles, often telling others that their experiences have changed them and that they’re smarter and wiser now
205
postdissolution relationships
- Great amount of churning in romantic relationships that occurs when partners break up but then reconcile and get back together
- Churning is associated with stress and uncertainty and chronically lower satisfaction even when a relationship continues
- May find it easier to avoid each other
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aftermath of divorce
- people usually lose about half of the members of their social networks when their marriages end
- women's finances usually deteriorate when they leave their marriages (more likely to have the children)
- men's household incomes tend to drop too, but they're more likely than women to live by themselves after divorce
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types of postmarital relationships
Fiery Foes, Angry Associates, Cooperative Colleagues, Perfect Pals, Dissolved Duos
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Fiery Foes and Angry Associates
- the spouses’ animosity toward each other still defines their relationship
- despite their open disrespect for each other, Angry Associates have some capacity to work together in co-parenting their children, but Fiery Foes have very little
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Cooperative Colleagues
aren’t good friends, but they are civil and pleasant to each other and they are able to cooperate successfully in parenting tasks
210
Perfect Pals
maintain a strong friendship with mutual respect that did not get eroded by their decision to live separate lives
211
Dissolved Duos
have no contact with each other at all
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children of divorce
- exhibit lower levels of well-being both as adolescents and as young adults
- psychological adjustment is poorer; experience more depression and anxiety and less satisfaction with life
- behavior is more problematic; use more drugs, break more laws, make more unwanted babies, and get poorer grades
- their adult relationships are more fragile
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divorce of one's parents brings on severals stresses
parental loss, parental stress, economic hardship, parental conflict
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parental loss
children are presumed to benefit from having two parents who are devoted to their care, and children who lose a parent for any reason, including divorce, are likely to be less well off
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parental stress
the quality, not the quantity, of the parenting a child receives is key, and any stressor, including divorce, that distracts or debilitates one’s parents can have detrimental effects
216
economic hardship
it may be the impoverished circumstances that sometimes follow divorce, not just the divorce per se, that adds to children’s burdens
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parental conflict
acrimonious interactions between parents appear to be hard on children, and whether or not divorce occurs, conflict in the home is associated with more anxiety, poorer health, and more problematic behavior in children
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relationship maintenance mechanisms
the strategic actions people take to sustain their partnerships
- cognitive and behavioral
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cognitive maintenance mechanisms
- cognitive interdependence
- positive illusions
- perceived superiority
- inattention to alternatives
- derogation of tempting alternatives
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cognitive interdependence
a change in self-definition in viewing oneself as part of a couple
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positive illusions
idealizing one’s partner and perceiving one’s relationship in the best possible light
222
perceived superiority
perceiving one’s relationship as more special than others’
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inattention to alternatives
displaying relative uninterest and unaware of how well one could be doing in alternative relationships
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derogation of tempting alternatives
when one disparages those who could lure them away from their existing relationships; allows people to feel that other potential partners are less attractive than the ones they already have
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behavioral maintenance mechanisms
- willingness to sacrifice
- praying
- Michelangelo phenomenon
- accommodation
- self-control
- play
- savoring
- rituals
- forgiveness
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willingness to sacrifice
one’s willingness to make various personal sacrifices in order to promote the well-being of their partners or their relationships
227
praying
those who begin praying for the success and well-being of their partners become more satisfied with the sacrifices they make and more forgiving; tend to be more satisfied and committed to their relationship
228
Michelangelo phenomenon
relationships prosper when partners encourage us to be all that we can be— supporting the development of skills we want to learn, endorsing our acceptance of promising new roles and responsibilities, and promoting the self-growth we seek
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accommodation
the willingness to control the impulse to respond in kind to a partner’s provocation and to instead respond constructively
- Occurs when people tolerate a partner’s bad mood, pointless criticism, thoughtlessness, and other small nuisances with placidity and poise
- Can provide an effective means of avoiding useless conflict that might merely perpetuate an aversive interaction
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self-control
the ability to manage one’s impulses, control one’s thoughts, persevere in pursuit of desired goals, and curb unwanted behavior
- Important in accommodation and good for relationships
- People who are high in self-control make more sacrifices that benefit their partners and apologize more readily when an apology is due
- Makes forgiveness more likely
- Use self-control to withstand temptation, so it aids our efforts to resist the lure of attractive alternatives
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play
engaging in novel, challenging, exciting, and pleasant activities together
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savoring
paying attention to shared pleasures, enjoying them more thoroughly through eager anticipation, alert appreciation as they unfold, and gratifying reminiscence when they are done
233
three facets of savoring
anticipation, appreciation, reminiscence
234
rituals
recurring patterns of behavior that become familiar routines that “if gone, would be missed”
235
forgiveness
those who are committed to a partnership are more likely to offer forgiveness after a partner’s betrayal
236
strategies that help couples stay content
- positivity
- openness and relationship talk
- assurances
- sharing a social network
- sharing tasks
- joint activities
237
preventive maintenance
- Before problems begin, fine-tuning a couple’s expectations and communication skills may pay big dividends
- Premarital counseling
- Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP)
- self-help material
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Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP)
- One of the best-known relationship skills courses
- Typically involves about 12 hours of training spread across five sessions
- Meetings focus on several topics: the power of commitment to change partners’ outlooks and behavior, the importance of having fun together, the value of open communication about sex, the consequences of inappropriate expectations
- Also taught the speaker-listener technique
- Focuses on risk factors for marital distress and failure identified in relationship research
- The only educational program for couples that has been researched for long-term effects
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three types of marital therapy that differ with regard to...
- focus on problematic behavior, thoughts, or feelings
- focus on individual vulnerabilities or the couple's interaction as the source of dysfunction
- emphasis on past events or present difficulties as the source of distress
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behavioral approaches - marital therapy
- behavioral couple therapy (BCT)
- cognitive-behavioral couple therapy (CBCT)
- integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)
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behavioral couple therapy (BCT)
encourages partners to be more pleasant and rewarding partners
- Focuses on the couple’s present interactions and seeks to replace any negative and punishing behavior with more gracious and generous actions
- Couples taught communication skills that help them express affection and manage conflict coolly and they are specifically encouraged to do things that benefit and please their partners in order to increase the rewards and decrease the costs of their interactions
- desirable behavior elicited in several ways: scheduled "love days", a quid pro quo contract, good faith contracts
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a quid pro quo contract in BCT
behavior change from one partner is directly linked to behavior change by the other
243
good faith contracts in BCT
parallel agreements in which behavior change is rewarded with special privileges
244
"love days" in BCT
one partner deliberately sets out to do favors and kindnesses that are requested by the other
245
cognitive-behavioral couple therapy (CBCT)
seeks to change various aspects of the ways partner think about and appraise their partnerships
- Addresses spouses’ selective attention → their tendency to notice some things and to ignore others
- Try to instill more reasonable expectations, more forgiving attributions, and more adaptive relationship beliefs in each partner
- acknowledges that people often import into their marriages problematic habits of thinking that they have learned in past relationships, but mainly focuses on current patterns in a couple’s interaction
246
integrative behavioral couple therapy (IBCT)
an approach that seeks both to encourage more desirable behavior and to teach the partners to tolerantly accept the incompatibilities that they cannot change
- acceptance of one's own and one's partner's imperfections promoted through three techniques: empathetic joining, unified detachment, tolerance building
247
empathetic joining in IBCT
spouses are taught to express their pain and vulnerabilities without any blame or resentment that will make their partners defensive
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unified detachment in IBCT
an intellectual perspective that defuses emotion and helps the couple understand with cool dispassion their problematic patterns of interaction
249
tolerance building in IBCT
spouses are taught to become less sensitive and to react less intensely when problematic behavior occurs
250
emotionally focused couple therapy (EFCT)
derived from attachment theory; strives to improve relationships by increasing the partners’ attachment security
251
three stages of EFCT
- Problematic patterns of communication or conflict are identified and the couple is encouraged to think of themselves as collaborators united in a fight against a common foe; therapist also helps the spouses explore the unmet needs for acceptance and security that fuel their conflict
- Partners begin to establish constructive new patterns of interaction that acknowledge the others’ needs and that provide more reassurance and comfort
- The partners rehearse and reinforce their responsiveness to each other and they rely on their newfound security to fearlessly seek new solutions to old problems
252
insight-oriented couple therapy (IOCT)
strives to help people comprehend how the personal habits and assumptions they developed in other relationships may be creating difficulty with their present partners
- affective reconstruction
253
affective reconstruction in IOCT
the process through which a spouse re-imagines and revisits past relationships in an effort to identify the themes and coping styles that characterized conflicts with past partners
254
mate poaching
behavior intended to attract someone who is already in a relationship
255
gender differences in poaching
- men use charm --> compliments; advertise their dominance, resources, and power
- women advertise their attractiveness
256
forgiveness occurs more readily when...
- the offender apologizes
- the victim is able to empathize with the offender
257
new definition of forgiveness
Change, whereby one becomes less motivated to think, feel, and behave negatively in regard to the offender
258
Don Juan Syndrome
- men have a need for power
- the more power a man has, the less love he feels and the less satisfying the relationship is
- would woe women until they fall in love with him then leave her
- theatrical displays of affection, displaying great enthusiasm, orchestrating perfect moments
259
conflict tactics scale
- evaluates violence within families and intimate relationships
- measures the extent to which partners in a relationship engage in concrete acts of psychological, physical, or sexual attacks on each other; the consequences of the attacks; and partners' use of reasoning or negotiation to deal with conflicts
260
most common form of violence
slapping and hitting
261
four types of violence in romantic couples
- situational couple violence
- intimate terrorism
- mutual violent control
- violent resistance
262
batterers tend to have a great dependency on the person that they batter
- Have an extraordinary fear of losing the relationship, so they will go to great lengths to protect it
- View the batterer as the only person who understands them
- Will prevent their victim from forming other relationships, including friendships
- View themselves as emotionally isolated because they tend to not have many friendships outside of their partner
263
cycle of violence
--> tension builds from unacceptable feelings (possibly from past insecurities) --> (defense again feelings) abuse takes place --> (relief) apologies, excuses, amends, remorse, "honeymoon period" -->
264
current marriage to current divorce ratio
measures the divorce rate by comparing the number of marriages to the number of divorces in a given year
265
crude divorce rate
number of divorces per 1,000 population
266
refined divorce rate
standard figure that is used to compare and it's based on the number of divorces per 1000 married women over 15 years
- better measure
- this rate preferable to crude divorce rate because the denominator includes only those people at risk for divorce
267
four horsemen of the apocalypse
behaviors that are the most destructive to relationships
- criticism
- contempt
- defensiveness
- stonewalling
