Deep Connection Flashcards

To know ways to get from the surface into deep connection in conversations.

1
Q

How do you get personal information from someone without interrogating?

A

By applying the ICEBERG THEORY. Starting on the surface and going deeper and deeper through the different levels.

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2
Q

What’s the tip of the ICEBERG?

A

The SOCIAL MASK.

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3
Q

Why do people use SOCIAL MASKS?

A

To meet social standards, and protect themselves

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4
Q

What is SOCIAL MASK?

A

An alter ego. A way of being that is not who they really are.

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5
Q

Explain the belief system in the ICEBERG THEORY

A

Every assumption said on the surface is the result of a belief. Each belief is supported by another belief.

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6
Q

He says: “I hate this song”. What do you have to look for?

A

The belief that supports that hatred. He hates that song because of a belief. That belief is waiting to be found.

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7
Q

How would you get deeper if you were permited to make an interrogation? Give an example of each level of depth.

A

“I LIKE TO DANCE” - Why? Because I LIKE TO BE FREE.
Why? Because I don’t like to be confined by everyday limitations.
Why not? Because it’s suffocating.
Why do you feel that suffocation? Because i fear responsabilities.
Why? Because my MAIN DESIRE IS TO BE INDEPENDENT FROM ANYONE AND ANYTHING, and responsibilities destroy that desire.

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8
Q

Why can’t you just go and interrogate people to get personal information?

A

It’s invasive. Because you don’t have that right. You don’t have their trust. And if they answer, they will do with lies. (Social Mask for protection)

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9
Q

What are SURFACE CONNECTIONS?

A

Popular Culture. Hobbies. Interest. Food. Celebrities. Movies. Music. Common Ground.

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10
Q

Does political o philosophical conversation get you to have Deep Connection?

A

No. They get you to deep intellectual conversations. No Deep Connection.

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11
Q

Can you do Deep Connection from anything?

A

Yes.

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12
Q

What do you get with Deep Connection?

A

Trust. Respect. Impact. Intrigue - interest in who you are. Emotional investment.

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13
Q

Do you have to lower your mask to get Deep Connection?

A

No. If you get deep connection without revealing yourself (or revealing a tiny bit), you get more intrigue, interest, impact and respect.

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14
Q

Why shouldn’t you lower you social mask? (or if necessary, just reveal a tiny bit)

A

Because not everyone should know your true self, only those with the privilege.

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15
Q

How do you engage someone with a STRONG SOCIAL MASK.

A
  1. Acknowledge they have a mask.
  2. Accept it.
  3. Work your way into knowing what’s on the other side of the mask.
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16
Q

Who do people respect as a person? (someone who does what?)

A

Someone who can see beyond the social mask with just a few clues.

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17
Q

How do you work your way into knowing what’s on the other side of the mask?

A

By looking for the beliefs that support that mask. Find out why is it there.

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18
Q

What happens when you don’t go beyond the mask? (responses)

A

Every response you get will be congruent with the mask, and not with who they really are. (Fake responses)

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19
Q

Formula to get respect.

A

Control + Impact = Connection

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20
Q

What’s the CAPITAL SIN in the ICEBERG THEORY?

A

To ask a deep question when you haven’t gone beyond the mask. (It’s weird, uncomfortable)

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21
Q

How do you start your way into going beyond the Social Mask?

A
  1. Ask a question.
  2. Receive an answer from their mask.
  3. GIVE AN INTELLIGENT RESPONSE.
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22
Q

What is an INTELLIGENT RESPONSE?

A

A response that makes a slight impact, a slight shift in their perception of you.

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23
Q

How fast do you have to go? How do you rush it?

A

You don’t rush it. Go slow. (“A king always takes it’s time”)

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24
Q

What is autopilot?

A

Is when they answer with a scripted response.

25
Q

Why do people answer questions with scripted responses?

A

Because they are bored of answering too many times the same question.

26
Q

If the subject is their job, what do you want to find out?

A

How they feel about their job and why are they doing it.

27
Q

How do you manage to ask how they feel about something without interrogating?

A

By asking with a very specific image, fact or event.

28
Q

IMAGES. Name an example of how to ask: Do you like “X” using images.

A

Does “X” puts a smile on your face everytime/everyday?

29
Q

How do you ask how they feel about something? (with out interrogating)

A

By asking a specific intelligent question that get’s them to reveal a specific feeling.

30
Q

Why do people prefer to answer specific questions rather than general?

A

Because specific questions are easy to answer, it’s relaxing. General questions are hard and generate tension and stress.

31
Q

Name Images for HAPPINESS.

A

Smile. Laughter. Stretch your body with a smile in your face. Hide a tear of happiness. Share something to the world just for the fun of it.

32
Q

Name images for SATISFACTION.

A

Internal clap to you yourself. Be on top of the mountain. Hold a flag. Raise your arms as a sign of victory. Put your foot on top of something conquered with your fists on your hips.

33
Q

Name images for RELAXED.

A

Sitting down, leaning back with your feet on top of something and your hands behind your head, smiling. Close your eyes with a smile. Lay down and just enjoy the air. As if you were in a spa.

34
Q

Name Positive Emotions.

A

Excited. Happy. Satisfied. Relaxed.

35
Q

Name Images for EXCITED.

A

Jump with your arms into the air. Hug somebody. Extend your arms up as far as possible. Desire to scream like a child with the biggest smile.

36
Q

Name Negative Emotions.

A

Tense. Angry. Stressed. Sad. Bored. Fatigued.

37
Q

Name questions that connect to the SURFACE? (Illegal Responses)

A

How did you get into that?
Do you like it?
How long have you been doing that?
Where do you work?

38
Q

Why are illegal questions disrespecful (not to the mask, but to the person)?

A

Because they prove you are not really interested in them as a person. You are just asking about the job/song/hobby and not about the person.

39
Q

Name samples of intelligent responses.

A

Is that something you wanted to do ever since you were a child?
Tell me 3 things you have to do to get really good in your job.
Has your job changed you?
Is that something you wanted to do or something your parents pushed you to?

40
Q

What are the two roads you can take when you are in a conversation?

A

You can go to the surface or you can go deeper and more personal.

41
Q

How do you know if you are going to the surface or to a more deeper level?

A

If the subject is something outside of them is surface (job, other people, interests).
If the subject is something inside of them, is deep (dreams, desires, goals, feelings, precious memories, personal secrets, why they do what they do)

42
Q

How do you avoid an interrogation?

A

Avoiding asking question after question.

Ask 2 questions max in a row. Then you give a reward.

43
Q

What rewards can you give in a conversation?

A

Anecdote. Challenge. Fact. Opinion. Positive Validation. Wild assumption (cold reading).

44
Q

How do you move from one level to the next?

A

By LISTENING. Identify the subject matter. Pay attention to what people give you, look for that clue that reveal something of themselves, something that connects deeper to them and not the surface.

45
Q

How do you read the person in a conversation?

A

Try to find a category (preferably positive) in which that person can fit into. “He’s a strong person”

46
Q

What happens when you give a correct assumption?

A

Somehow, they feel as if you can see through them, so they don’t have to use the social mask anymore, they can be themselves around you.

47
Q

What happens when you give an INCORRECT assumption?

A

They contradict you, and give you the correct answer. To which you follow up with: Really? you strike me as a person that bla bla, I think there’s a different sife of you, tell me more.

48
Q

What can cloud your vision? What can cause you to NOT LISTEN the other person?

A

Being so focused on what you are going to say next, or the result of the interaction that you miss the CLUES.

49
Q

How do you find the CLUES to get to a deeper level?

A

Listen. Listen. Listen. Surrendering to the moment. Let the other person affect you. Focus on the other person, not yourself. (Pay special attention to VERBS and ADJECTIVES that describe their situation).

50
Q

How do you get them to lower their mask in a snap.

A

By finding contradictions. Every people has contradictions.

51
Q

Big Picture Metaphor.

A

“People give you the pieces, and it’s your job to put them together and see the big picture.” At some point in the conversation you put different parts of the conversation together to say something about the person. (I can see that you like to “x”)

52
Q

What is your GOAL if they say with a smile that they bought something cheaper in another store instead of their regular?

A

You try to find why is buying something for less makes them so happy? Why do they do it? Why not just buy it on the store next to them?

53
Q

What do you RESPOND if they say with a smile that they bought something cheaper in another store instead of their regular?

A

You look very pleased with that. I wonder why. Is either because luck is something that finally got up to you or because you like to look for better options, and you just don’t settle for something that is just “ok”, you need something that really gets you. So tell me. Which one is it?

54
Q

What’s the “One of two” approach.

A

You try to describe why they feel like that, or why they do something, by saying. You either do/feel that because of this, or because of that.

55
Q

What’s the “Type of Person” approach, using comparison?

A

You try to conform the information you have into a verdict that reveals the type of person they might be. You say that “it may seem as if but I think is more because “

56
Q

What primary “positive traits” are there that define a “Type of Person”?

A

Honest. Responsible. Perfectionist. Adaptability. Fighter - Have the drive to keep going. Compassionate and Understanding. Patience.
Courageous to do what’s right. Strong.

57
Q

What secondary “positive traits” are there that define a “Type of Person”?

A

Adventurous, Affable, Conscientious, Cultured, Dependable, Discreet, Fair, Fearless, Observant, Impartial, Independent, Optimistic, Intelligent, Keen, Gragarious, Persistent, Capable, Charming, Precise, Confident, Dutiful, Encouraging, Reliable, Exuberant, Helpful, Humble, Suave, Imaginative, Meticulous, Obedient, Trusting, Valiant. Picky

58
Q

What are “negative traits” that define a “Type of Person”?

A

Laziness, Dishonest, Sarcastic, Arrogant, Coward, Sneak, Rude, Impulsive, Careless, Bad tempered, Unfriendly, Disruptive, Weak, Bossy, Vulgar, Malicious, Selfish, Offensive. Neurotic.

59
Q

What’s the “direct Type of Person” approach.

A

You put what you have about the person and name traits that define them as a person.