Chapter 8 - Liking, Friendship, and Love Flashcards
major factors in attraction, liking, and love
proximity (need to interact), rewards (cost v benefit), similarity, social bonds (trust, gossip, social exchange/reciprocity), traits attributes behaviors, and love
We usually become friends with people who
like us, give us rewards at low cost (don’t have to work to be friends)
for romantic relationships, attraction between people generally begins with
physical attraction
when you’re in a bad mood, you think more about
inward problems; not ideal for making friends, but existing friends can help regulate your mood
What’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance?
friends are more similar in attitudes and interests, greater intimacy and trust/disclosure, reciprocal bonding and support
benefits of having a friend for life
having at least one high-quality friendship that provides social support and companionship, trust, significantly predicts well-being and can protect against mental health issues like depression and anxiety and some health benefits across the lifespan
the stages of play and friendship
parallel play, associative play, cooperative play, middle school years, high school years
parallel play
very young children; playing alone, side-by-side
associative play
3-4 years; some interaction, some sharing, maybe copying; friendship starts here
cooperative play
mutual interaction; theory of other minds and empathy, social rules; board games, puzzles, outdoor play
friendships in middle school
true friendships come and go quickly (especially for girls); kids develop their own interests and begin to think about the world around them; parents matter, but friends and social media are important influences
bullies
high self-esteem, get rewards from bullying, get power and status
friendships in high school
sense of self is more stable; friends are selected based on similar interests, attitudes, and values (same as adulthood); males - often from friendships through doing stuff together; females - more conversation and discussion (not huge differences); may form opposite-sex friendships without the sexual element; conformity decreases
self-esteem is lower in young adulthood
because of high stress, changes, etc.
young adulthood
college or work become a source of new and often long lasting friendships; self-esteem is lowest here
In adulthood, new friendships develop from
work, with parents that have children (similarity); people marry and have children later; planned housing developments are designed to help meet others and create neighborhood bonds
after kids leave the home
adults have closer relationships, but fewer; similarity is still the biggest factor (education, income, politics, mutual interests/proximity)
older adulthood
friends start to leave you, but capacity for love and friendship remains; personality changes much less after age 50 (still need love, socialization, and friends
gossip
serves as social bonding; relaxed discussion about an absent party; informal, entertaining; usually about social norm and rule violations; approximately 64% of daily conversation is about other people
functions of gossip
social grooming (strengthen friendships), establish norms in a group, check your agreement with friends, identifies free-riders
how we gossip
about equals or superiors; more interest in gossip about people that matter to us; prefer negative gossip about enemies; prefer positive about allies
people high in social intelligence know:
when, to whom, and about what to gossip; when done right, you’re seen as a team player and socially connected
Yik Yak can make people feel connected because it’s a form of gossip, but it can also
lower self-esteem; can increase depression and anxiety; difficult to defend against anonymous
Why do we like the people we like?
Reward theory of attraction
reward theory of attraction
we like people whose behavior provides us with maximum reward at minimum cost; weakness - huge numbers of factors that are rewarding and it depends on the situation/context (oxygen is a reward if you can’t breathe)
trans-situational reward
a reward that is a reward in most situations (first aid, CPR, money);
we like people who evaluate us positively, BUT
we have problems interpreting motivation of the person giving praise (we’re skeptical)
flattery
we like people who flatter us, as long as they don’t have ulterior motives; people with higher social intelligence (good people skills) can assess honesty better than others
Jones study
Groups (evaluated by grad student): positive, negative, neutral evaluation; half ss in each group are aware that the evaluator would later ask them to volunteer for something; ss asked opinion of evaluator; findings - we like people who praise us, so liking dropped for those who knew they were going to be asked for a favor
when others do us favors
we like people who give us useful information, even if help is unintentional (minefield game)
Franklin - turn an enemy to a friend (opposite of Carnegie, who said do favors for them)
get them to do a favor for you
problem with the reward theory of attraction (we like people whose behavior gives us maximum reward at minimum cost)
too many factors - rewards matter, but they’re not everything and they depend on the situation
we like people who evaluate us positively (but it’s complicated)
we have trouble interpreting motive - is it true praise or do they want something?
exchange relationships
reciprocity of rewards and costs - seek equity
communal relationships (we-ness)
still want fair and balanced, but we don’t keep score; you both exchange favors freely, without keeping track; this is for closer friendships
personal differences in friendship
some have many friends, some have few; quality is what matters; we are social and we want socializing; hermits are rare, and usually have mental disorders or addictive disorders