Chapter 14 : Repair, Maintenance and Growth (Unit 18) Flashcards
MECHANISMS FOR REPAIR,
MAINTENANCE, & GROWTH
-Seeing partner as part of yourself
(self-other overlap, cognitive
interdependence)
-Approach motivation
-Positive illusions & perceived
superiority
-Self-disclosure
-Inattention to and derogation of
attractive alternatives
-Responsiveness
-Willingness to sacrifice
-Forgiveness
-Gratitude
-Play/self-expanding activities
-Accommodation
-Provision of safe haven and secure
base support
-Communal strength Therapy
FORGIVENESS
- Forgiveness = transformation of motivation to think, feel, & behave negatively
(e.g., retaliate, withdraw) after suffering transgression
– Two components: decrease in negativity and increase in benevolence
(goodwill towards the transgressor) - Not the same as accepting, excusing, or condoning the offense
– Beliefs that these are requisite factors are barriers to forgiveness - Makes reconciliation more likely, but does not require reconciliation
PREDICTIVE FACTORS
Victim-related factors:
+ empathy: perspective-taking, shift from dispositional to situational
attributions
+ attachment security: less likely to ruminate about transgression
- neuroticism: stronger negative emotional reactions to transgressions
+ agreeableness: trust, desire for harmony, compassion
+ self-control: allows inhibition of rumination and destructive responses, shift
focus to long-term relationship goals
Relationship-related factors:
+ commitment, closeness, & satisfaction: greater value placed on relationship,
the transformation of motivation (from acting based on self-interest to acting
based on preferences for joint outcomes) that comes with greater
interdependence
Transgressor-related factors:
+ expressions of remorse, authentic apologies, making amends: increase
empathy towards transgressor, signal that one is unlikely to transgress again
– costly apologies may further lower perceived risk of future transgressions
Transgression-related factors:
- perceived severity: subjective perceptions of harm
- perceived responsibility: important in determining future risk
- perceived intent: harder to forgive transgressions perceived as intentional
OUTCOMES
Boosts to relational well-being
* Greater conflict resolution as perceived by both parties
– Unresolved transgressions may spill over into future conflicts (kitchen
sinking)
* Decreased likelihood of future transgressions (if victims & transgressors agree
on severity of offense)
– Caveat: forgiveness positively associated with psychological & physical
aggression in longitudinal research
* Greater commitment & relationship satisfaction
Boosts to personal well-being:
* Decreases in stress systems activation (e.g., lower blood pressure, stress hormone
levels), subjective stress, anxiety,
depression
– Forgiveness conceptualized as an
emotional coping strategy that removes
the emotional burden caused by
transgressions
KEEPING THE SPARK ALIVE
With time, intimacy and commitment increase, but passion decreases
DECLINES IN PASSION
* Passion & sexual desire typically fade within first 2 years of relationship
* Lower desire linked to less relationship
satisfaction, thoughts about leaving
relationship
– One of leading reasons why couples seek
counselling
* Why is passion so hard to sustain?
WHY IS PASSION HARD TO SUSTAIN?
While passion/desire tends to be aroused most by novelty & risk, attachment &
commitment tend to be reinforced most by feelings of familiarity & security
* Early on relationship:
– Partner is a mystery, constant surprises, sense of uncertainty
– Lack of knowledge leaves room for fantasy
– Rapid self-expansion & growth of intimacy
* In long-term relationship:
– Declines in effort
– Sense of novelty & uncertainty has faded
– Self-expansion has stalled
– Hedonic adaptation = habituation to new circumstances
* Feelings of passion driven by subjective perception of increasing intimacy
(not just high intimacy)
– Shift from passionate to companionate love may be interpreted as
unhappiness
MAINTAINING PASSION
* Despite the average trends, the good news is that declines in sexual desire are
not inevitable or universal
* 1 out of 3 people report that the passion in their relationship has stayed
constant over time
* Among older adults between the ages of 65 and 80, 74% describe their sex life
as satisfying
* Age-related declines in sexual desire are significantly smaller for people in
better relationships
– Partner responsiveness increases desire
To maintain satisfaction and passion, need to engage in activities that enable us
to KEEP expanding our sense of self (self-expanding activities)
SELF-EXPANSION
SELF-EXPANSION IN DAILY LIFE
* Couples (average relationship duration = 5 yrs) filled out daily diary for 28 days
* Rated relationship satisfaction, sexual activity, and sexual desire
* Measure of self-expansion
– “How much did being with your partner expand your sense of the kind of
person you are?”
– “How much did being with your partner result in you having new
experiences?”
RESULTS
* More daily self-expansion predicted:
– Higher sexual desire
– 36% more likely to have sex
– More satisfied with their relationship
* Similar results obtained in experimental
studies (e.g., homework-style interventions)
HOW DOES IT WORK?
* Not about pleasantness of activities
– Novel & challenging > mundane & pleasant
* May be due in part to misattribution of arousal
– But not the whole story
– Self-expanding activities do not need to be physically arousing
– Key is having novel and challenging experiences
* Self-expanding activities increase sense of closeness to
the partner
* While closeness to partner is important, may also
benefit from sense of otherness—sense of
separateness from the other
* Allows us to discover something new or surprising
about the partner, value unique contributions they
make to the relationship
* Both increased closeness & otherness mediate
relationship between self-expansion and higher desire
SOCIAL SUPPORT:
PROVIDING A
SAFE HAVEN AND
SECURE BASE IN
RELATIONSHIPS
SOCIAL SUPPORT
* Large number of studies showing that perceived
social support buffers against harmful effects of
stress & is associated with greater feelings of
love, closeness, & better relationship quality
– Emotional support particularly beneficial
* But some studies show null or even negative
effects of social support on adjustment—why?
– May signal that recipient can’t cope with the
stressor (damaging to self-worth)
INVISIBLE SUPPORT
* Invisible support = support that goes unnoticed by the recipient but nevertheless
exerts positive effects on recipient
* Daily diary study of couples where one partner was preparing for the New York
State Bar Examination
– Partners: reported daily provision of emotional support
– Examinees: reported daily receipt of emotional support & emotional distress
– Results: reports of support provision associated with examinees’ decreases in
depression while reports of support receipt associated with increases
* Most beneficial condition when support was provided, but not noticed by
recipient (invisible support)
WHAT ABOUT RELATIONAL BENEFITS?
* Invisible practical support increases next-day
relationship satisfaction
* Potential costs?
– If invisible support is not coded as support, may
not perceive partner as being responsive
– Negative effects on partner? (recall research on
missed sacrifices)
RESPONSIVENESS
* Effectiveness of both visible and invisible social support depends on the level
of responsiveness
– Support works best when it makes partner feel understood, validated, and
cared for
* When partners feel that their relatedness needs—needs to be loved, cared for,
and accepted—are being met, both attachment anxiety and avoidance
decrease over time
SUPPORT FOR POSITIVE DISCLOSURES
- Capitalization = deriving additional benefit
from positive events by sharing them with
others (“shared joy is a double joy”)
– In daily diary studies, sharing news of positive
event with others leads to boost in positive
affect (over & above effect of positive event
itself) - Ability to derive personal & relational benefits
from capitalization depends on perceptions of
partner’s responsiveness
ACTIVE-CONSTRUCTIVE:
-I got into
grad
school!
-Babe, that’s amazing!
Congratulations!!! I know how hard
you’ve worked to get here! What kind
of projects are you going to be working
on?
PASSIVE-CONSTRUCTIVE:
-I got into
grad
school!
-That’s nice, sweetie.
ACTIVE-DESTRUCTIVE:
-I got into
grad
school!
-Wow, so you’re going to be spending
the next 5-7 years working 60+
hours/week for basically no pay?
PASSIVE-DESTRUCTIVE:
-I got into
grad
school!
-Can you pass me the salt?
*Perceptions of active-constructive responses
positively associated with relationship well-being;
passive-constructive and both types of destructive
responses negatively associated with relationship wellbeing
– Active-constructive responses convey
responsiveness & signal closeness (if we are close, I
feel good when good things happen to you)
* Fewer risks involved in positive disclosures—may be a
way of safely “testing” partner’s responsiveness before
trusting them with negative disclosures
SECURE BASE SUPPORT
- Secure base: support for a relationship partner’s autonomous exploration
- Three key components:
– Being available in case base is needed
– Not interfering with exploration
– Being encouraging & accepting of exploration - Secure base support provision associated with more willingness to explore &
greater persistence, boosts in self-esteem, more willingness to accept help
from partner, more positive affect toward partner, greater relationship
satisfaction, & decreases in attachment insecurity
MICHELANGELO PHENOMENON
By affirming and supporting our aspirations, our
partners help us reach our ideal selves
