Chapter 10 - Attraction and Intimacy

Question 1

what are teh 3 main factours that make people attracted to each other?

Answer 1

promixty, physical attractiveness and similarity

Question 2

define proximity

Answer 2

just being closer in presecne of each other, will make you more likely to like each other (example with MIt dorms and students in a class room)
- interaction: more opportunities to get to know someone
- anticipation of interaction: creates adrenaline when you are expecting to meet someone so it boost liking
- mere exposure: stimlu becomes more liked when it is repeated exposure

we like what is familiar (safe and approachable)

Question 3

define physical attractiveness and how it makes people attracted to each other?

Answer 3

this has been shown is babies, preschoolers and adults. Attractive people are more popular and are more likely to have more success in many aspects.
- both men and women want physical attractiveness to their partner, and it can easily be the most important trait for a lot of people especially at the beginning
- average is seen as more attractive over exotic
- attractive people are more favoured, and this develops self-confidence in themselves, socially skilled, likeable

Question 4

why is physical attractiveness so important?

Answer 4

• that thye are also a good person
• we get this idea in our kids all the way from watching move as a kid, ex Disney
• villains are always shown are more ungly, with less symettical faces and non-attractive features
• genetic mutations (people with more symmetrical faces tell us that they have good genes making them more attractive to us)
• colours, certain colours can make people more attractines (red for men on women is an attractive color)
• these stereotypes are held across cultures (independent vs interdependent)

Question 5

define the matching phenomenon

Answer 5

• we try to get the msot attractive partner we can
• we can only get people that are the similaire attractiness level as us

mismatch:
- can cause pressure
- sense of entitlement in more attractive partner
- sense of owing in less attractive partner

Question 6

define similiarity

Answer 6

people are more likely to be with others who they share common attitude, beliefs and values with.
- couples who are more similar are happier and less likely to divorce

Question 7

define the reward theory of attraction

Answer 7

we like people assocaited with rewards for us
- proximity: less time and effect
- physical: we believe the attractive people offer desirable traits
- similarity: they validate our views

Question 8

what are the 3 attachement styles?

Answer 8

secure, anxious and avoidant and very rarely fearful avoidant

Question 9

define fearful avoidant attachment

Answer 9

this is a very rare type of attachment style and it only occur in cases where the child experienced a very traumatic event like abuse. They go back from both avoidant and anxious in order to stay safe and please others.

Question 10

define secure attachement

Answer 10

comfortable getting close to others, trust others
- when mom returns, the baby is back to being normal
- this is majority of the population

Question 11

define anxiuos attachement

Answer 11

crave intimacy but fear others dont love them back, fear of abandonment
- when mom returns, baby is still in extreme distress

Question 12

defien avoidant attachment

Answer 12

uncomfortable with getting close to others, less invested in relationships
- when mom returns, baby doesn’t not how that they care

Question 13

how do attachment styles develop?

Answer 13

they develop as a kid and people who have anxious or avoidant experienced some sort of parental trauma. your style can change throughout your life but it can affect your romantic and personal relationships

Question 14

how do the 3 attachment styles act in romantic relationships?

Answer 14

secure: tend to have better relationships over insecure styles. More satisfied, committed, trusting, intimacy and less conflict, jealousy, negative emotions

anxious: jealous (dont think they really love you), clingy, difficult during conflict (inability to trust that they love you, think conflict means end of relationship, more stress, anxiety, anger, derogate partner as a defense mechanism to protect yourself if your partner leaves), more likely to bring up past event during conflict (even if they don’t say it, they are thinking it)

avoidant: apathetic, disengage during conflict (you don’t care enoight to fight about anything, less warm and supportive, not wanting to reconnect and rebuild, avoiding it all), more likely to cheat as they have lower commitment

secure people can help make insecure people more secure

Question 15

define self-disclosure

Answer 15

• making yourself vulnerbale
• necassary to build closeless and intimanc, foundation of relationships
• fast friends is a good way to get to know someone quickly
• people will only reciprocate the depth of conversation as the other person
• we feel good when we self-disclose

anxious: am i gonna be rejected for opening up?
avoidant: what if we become closer?

Question 16

defien passionate love

Answer 16

exciting, emotioanl and intense. A state of intense longing for union with another

passionate love = lust + attachment

Question 17

deifne the two-factour theory of love

Answer 17

arousal x its label = emotion

bein aroused by any source should intensify passionate feeling
- adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder

Question 18

define companionate love

Answer 18

the affection we feel for those with who our live are deeply intertwined

Question 19

define commitment

Answer 19

subjective sense that the relationship must continue
- intention to pressit length
- long term orientation
- feeling tied to the other person
- never feel mixed feeling or anything for them

Question 20

what are the key components of Rusbult’s investment model of commitment?

Answer 20

satisfcation level, quality of alternatives (attractions and barrier that stop or help you from looking for someone else), and investment ———> commitment level ——–> stay/leave decision

Question 21

why do abused people stay in those unhealthy relationships?

Answer 21

• try to push all negatives out of picture to only see the good
• their partner puts them in a position where they don’t have to interact with the real world and then wont know any better
• meant to be put in a place where they are isolate, this makes it very hard for them to leave and be successful with it (don’t have a job, money, living,…)

Question 22

define relationship dissolution

Answer 22

• 40% of marriages end in divorce

factors that can increase likely to stay together:
- after 20
- stable 2 parent homes
- similarly educated
- stable income
- do not live together before
- religiously committed

Question 23

why is it better to see your partner more idealistic rather than realistic?

Answer 23

• when you are idealistic, you are still quite accurate with your predictions but the levels are just bumped up a bit
• you are choosing to see them a little better than they are

Question 24

define positive illusion

Answer 24

• predict greater satisfaction, love, trust less conflict
• self-fulfilling effects
• we are able to be bais and accurate at the same time (not giving false hope)
• this can only be beneficial if the initial levels of the traits are high, naturally (do not want to dismiss red flags and make those seem better than they are)
• seeing your partner more positively can make them act more positively in regards to your thoughts/feelings

Question 25

define destiny theory

Answer 25

• thinking that you just find that one perfect person and that everything should just work out accordingly
• when you get problems, you start to blame them on the fact that this ain’t your perfect person then
• can be more committed and block out other potential partners
• FIXED MINDSET
• these relationships can only last if people are initially satisfied going into the relationship (want that initial high moment when you meet them, if not you might think that its not the one so you keep looking)

Question 26

define growth theory

Answer 26

• active coping
• re-interpret event in a more positive way
• low in denial
• when having problems, you don’t see it as a threat to your relationship, know that it will work out with time and effort
• GROWTH MINDSET

Question 27

what is the best way to attribute your partners actions?

Answer 27

bad behaviuor: making external attributions (something about the situation or circumstances)

good behaviour: internal attributions (this si wh my partner is)

• can increase overall satisfaction
• trying to reinterpret their behaviour so you are thinking in the best ways about your partner
• very important for anxiously attached people

Question 28

how are low self esteem people in relationships?

Answer 28

• believe they are less liked and cared for
• they will fuel their own insecturites ( negative event = take it personally, positive event = don’t take it personally)
• over sensitive to rejection
• less sensitive to acceptance

Question 29

explain the risk regulation theory

Answer 29

• balancing self protection and connection with your partner
• always needs to be a threat in order to use this model
• high self estem people will chose to connect with their partner (expressing love and drawing closer after conflict)
• low self-esteem people will chose to protect themselves (waiting for partner to express love first and distance themselves after conflict)
• low self-esteem people will worry more about themselves rather than the relationship to protect them if their partner leaves them

Question 30

do complimetns really work?

Answer 30

• not for low self esteem people, even when they think of times that they partner show them love or when they did something positive
• best way is to show subtle care signals like asking how their day was, to make them not think they you are asking because you want something form them

Question 31

what are the 4 main steps to produce a good relationship?

Answer 31

1. pursue new and exciting activities: need to continue to do new things together to grow as a couple
2. capitalization: when they tell you something positive, you giving an enthusiastic response, controlling what you can do!
3. self-disclose and be with other couples: just being around other people and becoming vulnerble
4. don’t neglect other relationships you have: low specialization is going to same person for everything, high is choosing certain people for certain things, the people in your life are their for a reason

Question 32

what is the response to determine relationship satisfaction?

Answer 32

four horsement
1. crisitism: dont criticize theri character, talk about thier actions
2. contempt: dont coomunicate dsiguist with sarcasm, eye rolling, mocking, etc.
3. defensiveness: not making it your partners problem to justify your own behaviour
4. stonewalling: don’t shut them out, can only being good when you know you will react poorly but communicate that afterwards

magic ratio: 5 good to 1 bad

Question 33

how do people cope after a break-up?

Answer 33

people will overestimate distress that they will feel when:
- they are more in love
- not expecting to begin another relationship
- did not initiate breakup