Ch. 9: Beliefs and Values

Question 1

Why study cognition in relationships

Answer 1

study of cognition started after people started studying behavior

behavioral research assumes that behaviors have inherent meanings (saying “shut up” has 1 meaning only - it is an aggressive behavior)
but…
in fact behaviors are ambiguous : the annie hall example
meaning in relationships comes partly from the behaviors, and partly from how we interpret it (oh you bought me flowers - you love me OR what did you do - same behavior, lots of ambiguity)

relationship therapists/scientists care about the fact that couples say “i LOVE this relationship” and then somewhere down the road they hate the relationship
it’s not all in our heads but there is a lot of room for interpretation, flexibility, and ambiguity

Question 2

Revisiting the Intimacy Process Model

Answer 2

-feeling understood validated and cared for is not only a response to not only what I do or you do, but to the dance of our behaviors

the intimacy process model EXPLICITLY says that there’s a process in which each partner is interpreting behavior and there is ambiguity in how you interpret these behaviors

• the nature of your response is dependent on the nature of your interpretation
• your interpretation is determined by motives, needs goals, fear, beliefs and values
• my response to your behavior depends on what your behavior MEANS to me (how does that strike you)
• if your dependency is threatening to me then I might say “clingy, needy, demanding! what about my life? you didn’t ask me what I was doing tonight” (that was really insensitive to you) but I could also look at your dependency as an opening for closeness

A’s reaction to B’s rejection could also go 2 ways - B’s response could be validated by A “you’re right, I wasn’t thinking about your needs/day. Go to the gym and relax, I’m sorry” OR A could feel rejected and say “I asked you for something and you said no, I feel extremely unloved and cared for because of your behavior”

what’s going on in this behavior is partly a function of what is being said and partly a function of all sorts of stuff that is only going on in your head
In studies, the couples have different interpretations (interpretive filters) about what’s going on than the objective observers (big differences)

what’s going on in their heads and how is it affecting their experience and what’s going on in their relationship? A LOT

Question 3

What do we know about our intimate relationships?

Answer 3

Three levels of relationship knowledge (for lay people) - Fletcher, 2002:

• General beliefs and values re: social behavior
• General beliefs and values re: relationships
• Specific beliefs and values re: one particular intimate relationship

in our heads we are bouncing info off of these beliefs and values
- if your specific beliefs about YOUR relationship don’t match you general beliefs about relationships, that’s going to be a problem

Question 4

General beliefs and values re: social behavior

Answer 4

most general abstract belief and/or value about social behavior
belief about the world and how to behave in it
-people are inherently good
-men are fundamentally different from women
-“Look out for #1” - the world is dangerous so you should look out for yourself

Question 5

General beliefs and values re: relationships

Answer 5

you don’t have to be a relationship scientist to have a belief about intimate relationships
general beliefs about intimate relationships as a whole
“love conquers all”
“relationships fade”
“to be in a good relationship, you have to work hard at it”
“men didn’t evolve to have a monogamous relationship”

Question 6

Specific beliefs and values re: one particular intimate relationship

Answer 6

What do you believe about the person you are with right now - YOUR RELATIONSHIP
“she is my soulmate” - we are 2 halves of a whole and we are meant to be together
“this is not mr right but this is mr right now” - in this current relationship my heart isn’t safe - this would have a different reaction to behavior than if you thought he was mr right

Question 7

What functions does this knowledge (beliefs and values) serve?

Answer 7

theories help us to navigate our complex social worlds in three ways:
-understand and explain the world around us
-anticipate and predict what will happen
-control and regulate our behavior
The connection btwn these last two levels proves to be particularly important - how do people’s reactions depend on the body of knowledge that they carry around about relationships
how does my reaction depend on what I anticipate and predict will happen? - it depends a lot

Question 8

understand and explain the world around us

Answer 8

especially in relationships - forming a relationship

• you’re on a date and there’s no mystery about what’s going on
• because we have a theory about what a date is like we don’t have to say “I wonder if this person really just wants to see this movie or if they want to get close to me”

Question 9

anticipate and predict what will happen

Answer 9

dropping off at the end of the date “would you like to come upstairs”
- if I say yes we could make out or more and if I say no it might send a message that may make it more difficult for them to invite me out again

Question 10

control and regulate our behavior

Answer 10

if, at the door the person leans in and kisses me

• what’s going to happen?
• how I react depends on my beliefs and values

Question 11

The Ideal Standards Model

Answer 11

How do we know if we are in a good or bad relationship? - draws on our cognitions (beliefs and values) to answer this question

We compare what we perceive we have in the relationship with pre-existing beliefs and values

According to this theory, the amount of discrepancy between values for relationships in general and perceptions of the current re­lationship in particular determines whether an individual will be satisfied
-The greater the discrepancy between partners’ ideals and their perceptions, the lower their overall rating of the relationship and the more dis­tressed and anxious they feel

Question 12

We compare what we perceive we have in the relationship with pre-existing beliefs and values

Answer 12

comparison levels return! - I have some level to compare things to - update of standard social exchange theory - have an ideal standard, you have an ideal standard

If I get more than I expect, I will be happy
If I get less than I expect, I will be less happy
we have an experience, we compare it to the standards and we determine our happiness on the basis of those standards

Question 13

Ideal Standards Model: Fletcher and Kininmonth (1992)

Answer 13

everyone has their own standard of what is important or unimportant in their relationship and how satisfying those things are
ask what is your satisfaction of your relationship overall? - the feeling of my relationship as a whole depends on my standards for sex in the relationship
-when sex is important, correlates with satisfaction at .48 (affects the relationship)
-when sex is NOT important, correlates with satisfaction at .04 (it is trivial - doesn’t matter)
-I’m evaluating the relationship on a different basis

Question 14

common ‘dysfunctional’ beliefs

Answer 14

(eidelson & epstein, 1982)
is it possible to have bad standard?

there are people who are unhappy because they expect too much

there are people who have dysfunctional beliefs and the nature of their dysfunctional beliefs is their standards are too high
- the job of therapists is to identify these unrealistic beliefs and teach them to “chill out” because their relationship doesn’t suck just because it’s not meeting their standards

these unrealistic beliefs are:
Disagreement is destructive
mindreading is expected
sex must be perfect
men and women are basically different

Question 15

Disagreement is destructive

Answer 15

If we fight we much be in a bad relationship
“in a good relationship, people agree all the time”
“in a good relationship, people never fight”
if you hold these beliefs then any disagreement is going to feel like “OMG this is IT, we’re disagreeing!”

but disagreements are INEVITABLE - if you believe this then you are more likely to see a disagreement as a sign of closeness (it’s because I love you that we are disagreeing)
-and disagreements won’t be as destructive

Question 16

mindreading is expected

Answer 16

“in a good relationship you should know what I’m thinking without me having to tell you”
“she knows me so well that i don’t even have to tell her but she just does it”
sometimes the best person in the world will misunderstand you
-if you have this belief you think “uh oh we’re in bad shape”
-you also aren’t going to communicate your needs because your partner should just know it
-if you don’t have this belief then you are going to communicate - there’s know way you could know how I’m feeling if I don’t tell you
-if you fail to know what I’m thinking, no big deal

Question 17

sex must be perfect

Answer 17

in the real world, sometimes one partner’s in the mood and the other isn’t
sometimes sex is clumsy and awkward
sometimes one person loved the sex and the other thought it was just ok

if you think sex is imperfect then these things won’t be a big deal - it’s not a disaster/tragedy

Question 18

men and women are basically different

Answer 18

if you believe this, you aren’t going to work hard at communicating because you think “they won’t understand anyway”

if you believe that men and women are basically human beings then you will realize that you have to communicate because you won’t understand each other not because you’re of a different gender but because you are a different human being

Question 19

Implicit Theories of relationships

Answer 19

Poorly articulated sometimes even unexpressed ideas of how relationships work

which statement do you agree with more?

• “relationships that do not start off well will fail”
• “people can change the way they act”

How much are your perceptions of your partner’s personality linked to your satisfaction?
How much is initial satisfaction linked to relationship longevity?
-in college students there is a lot of variability to the answers to these questions - the nature of your theory changes your reaction to certain situations

Question 20

How much are your perceptions of your partner’s personality linked to your satisfaction?

Answer 20

if I believe people can change then my perception of your personality linked to my satisfaction is very low (You have stuff to work out but I believe you can do it, I’ll stick around to see)
if I believe people cannot change then my perception of your personality is STRONGLY linked to my satisfaction (you are who you are and I don’t like who you are so I want out)

Question 21

How much is initial satisfaction linked to relationship longevity?

Answer 21

does where the relationship starts predict where it goes?

it depends on your theory:

• looking for a soulmate - initial satisfaction strongly predicts how long it lasts - I’ve gotta go find my soulmate
• On the contrary those who aren’t looking for soulmates give the relationship time to change - in this case relationship satisfaction is a poor predictor of relationship longevity
• the theory effects the reaction to the experience

Question 22

Perceptual confirmation

Answer 22

beliefs can change the experience itself
our expectations affect our perceptions
-we tend to se what we EXPECT to see
-not only are experiences ambiguous but the whole social world is ambiguous
-our knowledge of the world fills in the gaps (sentiment override) of ambiguity
-if you expect something is true about my relationship, you’re more inclined to see that thing

Studies have shown this with:
The effects of rejection sensitivity
The effect of low self-esteem

Question 23

The effects of rejection sensitivity

Answer 23

people who are aversive to rejection so they are looking for signs of rejection

• have insecure attachment, low self-esteem, high neuroticism
• if you believe the world is full of rejection for you, you will see rejection even when it’s not there
• brings high rejection sensitivity people into lab with a confederate and they have conversation, the confederate leaves and then doesn’t come back (why do you think the person left?) these people perceive a rejection experience (attribute the person leaving to themselves) - their belief created an experience that they otherwise would not have experienced
• low rejection people attribute it to some emergency or other things that have nothing to do with themselves

Question 24

The effect of low self-esteem

Answer 24

what do I think my partner thinks of me?

• if I have low self-esteem, I think they think low of me because I think low of me
• when ask the partners, they find the person with low self-esteem is wrong
• they consistently underestimate how their partner thinks of them - I’m perceiving a partner that feels bad about me and they don’t (at least not yet)

Question 25

Behavioral Confirmation

Answer 25

sometimes our beliefs don’t effect just our reaction to an event, they CREATE a real (not just perceived) event

our expectations affect our behavior - our beliefs or expectations can also shape the way we experience the world by affecting our behavior toward others
-the self-fulfilling prophecy
How do we interact with people we think are attractive?
the social problems of the depressed

Question 26

the self-fulfilling prophecy

Answer 26

If you expect something to happen you tend to behave in ways that bring about that thing happening
-individuals act to bring about the experiences they expect to happen

Question 27

How do we interact with people we think are attractive?

Answer 27

the positive side of behavioral confirmation

we treat physically attractive people differently because we think they have more positive qualities

• strangers: men and women talk on phone (men given photograph of woman they were talking to - 1/2 given very attractive photo other 1/2 given less attractive)
• men talking to “attractive” woman - more engaged, laughed more, talked more, their behaviors were strongly affected by who they thought they were talking to
• the women didn’t know that the men had seen photographs, when the men thought they were talking to an attractive woman, the women behaved in a more attractive fashion (she was more charming, funnier, more engaging on the phone) - the men behaved in a way that made that true!!!

Question 28

the social problems of the depressed

Answer 28

the negative side of behavioral confirmation

• they expect other people to reject them and behave in ways to bring that rejection about
• creating rejection where there might not otherwise have been rejection

depressed people are irritating to be around - “what can I do to cheer you up?” “You can’t do anything to cheer me up, the world is a terrible and lonely place”
-black mood-inability to receive support-can lead people to shun them confirming that the world is a terrible and undependable place

Question 29

Which is better: High standards or lower expectations?

Answer 29

argument for lowered expectations:
if our standards are super high, we’re going to be disappointed - we should lower our standards so this won’t happen

argument for higher standards:
what about the perceptions and behavioral confirmations - shouldn’t I expect the best and behave in a way that makes the best happen?

Question 30

Which is better: High standards or lower expectations? - resolution

Answer 30

McNulty & Karney (2004)
they recognized that there is tension between these two ideas
- high standards are a bad idea if you can’t reach them (you should lower so we won’t be disappointed)
- low expectations are a bad idea if behaving in a way/expecting the best can actually make the best happen

both are good if they are realistic

expectancies interact with behavior!
newlyweds - measured their expectations and how they behaved and solved problems in their relationship
some were good at solving problems and others that weren’t (weak skills), some had high expectations and some had more moderate expectations
-followed relationship satisfaction over the next 4 years
-the role of expectations depended on quality of problem solving

you want decline to be small (large decline means not happy)

• people with less negative behavior, positive expectations protected their relationship (if you have what it takes to be positive - expect the best)
• if you have what it takes but don’t expect a lot then you declined a lot (not getting as good of outcomes as they could’ve if they expected more for the relationship)
• those with high expectations with more negative behavior declined (they were disappointed)
• those with low expectations protected their relationship if they had negative behaviors (more realistic)

advice given:
expect the most that your relationship is likely to sustain
-expectations should be more realistic

Question 31

Beliefs

Answer 31

what you think IS true about the world (what it is)

Question 32

Values

Answer 32

what you think SHOULD be true about the world (what you want)

Question 33

stereotype accuracy effect

Answer 33

refers to the fact that any two people are likely to agree, for example, that it is important to be kind to others simply because most people share this basic value

One implication of the stereotype accuracy effect is that, within a given couple, both partners may share many of their beliefs and values and still be no more similar to
each other than they are to any other member of their population

Question 34

The Annie Hall Example

Answer 34

Woody Allen and Diane Keaton
his complaint: we are living together and our sexual frequency has gotten down to 3 times a week - she is emotionally cold
She complains that he is relentless - all he wants to do is have sex (3 times a week)
-for him this is like a desert (too little) and for her it is like a deluge (too much)
-they agree about the facts (3 times a week) but this has different meanings for both of them

Question 35

sentiment override

Answer 35

I love the relationship so we must kiss and hug a lot (don’t know exactly how many times they do actually kiss and hug)
I’m feeling good about this relationship so I fill in the gaps about the info IDK with what I think it should be