Arsenic and Old Lace Lines Flashcards
KLEIN: You can bet that anybody who comes here lookin’ for a room goes away with a good meal and probably a few dollars in their kick.
BROPHY: It’s just their way of digging up people to do some good to.
MARTHA: (enter) Well, now, isn’t this nice?
MARTHA: (enter) Well, now, isn’t this nice?
BROPHY: Good Afternoon, Miss Brewster.
MARTHA: How do you do, Mrs. Brophy? Dr. Harper. Ms. Klein.
MARTHA: How do you do, Mr. Brophy? Dr. Harper. Mr. Klein.
KLEIN: How are you, Miss Brewster? We dropped in to get the Christmas toys.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, Teddy’s Army and Navy. They wear out. They’re all packed.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, Teddy’s Army and Navy. They wear out. They’re all packed.
BROPHY: The Colonel’s upstairs after them– It seems the Cabinet has to OK it.
MARTHA: Yes, of course. I hope Mrs. Brophy’s better?
MARTHA: Yes, of course. I hope Mrs. Brophy’s better?
BROPHY: She’s doin’ fine ma’am. Your sister’s getting some soup for me to take to her.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, we made it this morning. I just took some to a poor man who broke ever so many bones.
MARTHA: Oh, yes, we made it this morning. I just took some to a poor man who broke ever so many bones.
ABBY: Oh, you’re back, Martha. How was Mr. Benitzky?
MARTHA: Well, dear, it’s pretty serious, I’m afraid. The doctor was there. He’s going to amputate in the morning.
MARTHA: Well, dear, it’s pretty serious, I’m afraid. The doctor was there. He’s going to amputate in the morning.
ABBY: Can we be present?
MARTHA: No, I asked him, but he says it’s against the rules of the hospital.
KLIEN: This is fine– it’ll make lots of kids happy. That O’Malley boy is nuts about soldiers.
TEDDY: That’s General Miles. I’ve retired him. What’s this? The Oregon!
MARTHA: Teddy, dear, put it back.
ABBY: Now, Teddy–
TEDDY: No, I’ve given my word to Fighting Bob Evans.
MARTHA: But, Teddy–
TEDDY: Charge! Charge the blockhouse!
HARPER: The blockhouse?
MARTHA: The stairs are always San Juan Hill.
HARPER: Have you ever tried to persuade him that he wasn’t Teddy Roosevelt?
ABBY: Oh, no!
MARTHA: He’s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
MARTHA: He’s so happy being Teddy Roosevelt.
ABBY: Once, a long time ago– remember, Martha? We thought if he would be George Washington it might be a change for him–
MARTHA: But he stayed under his bed for days and just wouldn’t be anybody.
ABBY: And we’d much rather he be Mr. Roosevelt than nobody.
HARPER: Well, if he’s happy– and what’s more important you’re happy– you’ll see that he signs these.
MARTHA: What are they?
MARTHA: What are they?
ABBY: Dr. Harper has made all the arrangements for Teddy to go to Happy Dale Sanitarium after we pass on.
MARTHA: But why should Teddy sign any papers now?
MARTHA: But why should Teddy sign any papers now?
HARPER: It’s better to have it all settled. If the Lord should take you away suddenly perhaps we couldn’t persuade Teddy to commit himself and that would mean an unpleasant legal procedure. Mrs. Witherspoon understands they’re to be filed away until the time comes to use them.
MARTHA: Mrs. Witherspoon? Who’s she?
HARPER: I’d better be running along or Elaine will be over here looking for me.
ABBY: Give our love to Elaine– and Dr. Harper, please don’t think harshly of Mortimer because he’s a dramatic critic. Somebody has to do those things.
(start cleaning tea)
MARTHA: Did you just have tea? Isn’t it rather late?
MARTHA: Did you just have tea? Isn’t it rather late?
ABBY: Yes– and dinner’s going to be late too.
MARTHA: So? Why?
ABBY: Teddy! Good news for you. You’re going to Panama and dig another lock of the canal!
TEDDY: Dee-lighted! That’s bully! Just bully! I shall prepare at once for the journey! CHARGEEE
MARTHA: Abby! While I was out?
MARTHA: Abby! While I was out?
ABBY: Yes, dear! I just couldn’t wait for you and I didn’t know when you’d be back and Dr. Harper was coming.
MARTHA: But all by yourself?
MARTHA: But all by yourself?
ABBY: Oh, I got along fine!
MARTHA: I’ll run right downstairs and see.
MARTHA: I’ll run right downstairs and see.
ABBY: Oh, no. There wasn’t time and I was all alone.
MARTHA: Well–
ABBY:…look in the window seat.
(all but skip to seat until interrupted by Elaine)
ELAINE: Good afternoon, Miss Abby. Good Afternoon Miss Martha. I thought Father was here.
MARTHA: He just this minute left. Didn’t you meet him?
ABBY: No, dear.
ELAINE: Oh? He asked me to meet him here. Do you mind if I wait?
MARTHA: Not at all.
MARTHA: Not at all.
ABBY: Why don’t you sit down, dear?
MARTHA: But we really must speak to Mortimer about doing this to you.
MARTHA: But we really must speak to Mortimer about doing this to you.
ELAINE: Doing what?
MARTHA: Well, he was brought up to know better. When a gentlemen is taking a young lady out, he should call for her at her house.
ABBY: He does this too often– we’re going to speak to him.
ELAINE: Oh, please don’t. After young men whose idea of night life was to take me to prayer meetings, it’s wonderful to go to the theatre almost every night of my life.
MARTHA: It’s comforting for us too, because if Mortimer has to see some of those plays he has to see– at least he’s sitting next to a minister’s daughter.
MARTHA: It’s comforting for us too, because if Mortimer has to see some of those plays he has to see– at least he’s sitting next to a minister’s daughter.
ABBY: My goodness, Elaine, what you must think of us– not having tea cleared away by this time.
MARTHA: Now, don’t bother with anything in the kitchen until Mortimer comes, and then I’ll help you. Mortimer should be here any time now.
MARTHA: Now, don’t bother with anything in the kitchen until Mortimer comes, and then I’ll help you. Mortimer should be here any time now.
ELAINE: Yes. Father must have been surprised not to find me at home. I’d better run over and say good night to him.
MARTHA: It’s a shame you missed him, dear.
ELAINE: Hello, Mort!
MORTIMER: Hello, Elaine. Hello, Aunt Martha.
MARTHA: Abby, Mortimer’s here!
MORTIMER: All right. And you look well. You haven’t changed much since yesterday.
ABBY: Oh, my goodness, it was yesterday, wasn’t it? We’re seeing a great deal of you lately. Well, come, sit down. Sit down.
(Abby is interrupting Mort and Elaine, give her a nudge)
MARTHA: Abby– haven’t we something to do in the kitchen?
MARTHA: Abby– haven’t we something to do in the kitchen?
ABBY: Huh?
MARTHA: You know– The tea things.
MARTHA: You know– The tea things.
ABBY: Oh, yes! Yes! The tea things– Well– you two just make yourselves at home. Just–
MARTHA: –Make yourselves at home.
ABBY: Martha, Martha! (enter) Come right in here. I’ve got the most wonderful news for you– Mortimer and Elaine are going to be married.
MARTHA: Married? Oh, Mortimer!
MARTHA: Married? Oh, Mortimer!
ABBY: We hoped it would happen just like this.
MARTHA: Well, Elaine must be the happiest girl in the world.
MARTHA: Well, Elaine must be the happiest girl in the world.
MORTIMER: Happy! Just look at her leaping over those gravestones. Say! What’s that?
MARTHA: What’s what, dear?
MARTHA: What’s what, dear?
MORTIMER: See that statue there. That’s a horundinida carnina.
MARTHA: Oh, no dear– that’s Emma B. Stout ascending to heaven.
MORTIMER: It’s a vanishing species. Thoreau was very fond of them. By the way, I left a large envelope around last week. It was one of the chapters of my book on Thoreau. Have you seen it?
MARTHA: Well, if you left it here, it must be here somewhere.
ABBY: What are your plans? There must be something more you can tell us about Elaine.
MORTIMER: Elaine? Oh, yes, Elaine thought it was brilliant.
MARTHA: What was, dear?
MORTIMER: My chapter on Thoreau
ABBY: Well, when Elaine comes back I think we ought to have a little celebration. We must drink to your happiness. Martha, isn’t there some of that Lady Baltimore cake left?
MARTHA: Oh, yes!
MARTHA: Oh, yes!
ABBY: And I’ll open a bottle of wine.
MARTHA: Oh, and to think it happened in this room!
ABBY: That’s what Dr. Harper thinks. Then there won’t be any legal difficulties after we pass on.
MORTIMER: He’s got to sign them this minute! He’s down in the cellar– get him up here right away.
MARTHA: There’s no such hurry as that.
ABBY: No. When Teddy starts working on the canal, you can’t get his mind on anything else.
MORTIMER: Teddy’s got to go to Happy Dale now– tonight.
MARTHA: Oh, no, dear, that’s not until after we’re gone.
MORTIMER: Listen, darlings, I’m frightfully sorry, but I’ve got some shocking news for you. Now we’ve all got to try and keep our heads. You know we’ve sort of humored Teddy because we thought he was harmless.
MARTHA: Why he is harmless!
Mortimer: You’ve got to know sometime. It might as well be now. Teddy’s– killed a man.
MARTHA: Nonsense, dear.
ABBY: Yes, dear, we know.
MORTIMER: You know?
MARTHA: Of course, dear, but it has nothing to do with Teddy.
MORTIMER: That’s all you know about him? Well, what’s he doing here? What happened to him?
MARTHA: He died.
MORTIMER: How did the poison get in the wine?
MARTHA: Well, we put it in the wine because it’s less noticeable– when it’s in tea it has a distinct odor.
ABBY: Well, not at tea– that wouldn’t have been very nice. Now, Mortimer, you know the whole thing, just forget about it. I do think Martha and I have the right to our own little secrets.
(that should not be heard by Elaine, anyways.)
MARTHA: And don’t you tell Elaine! Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. She’s much better but she would like us to take Junior to the movies again.
MARTHA: And don’t you tell Elaine! Oh, Abby, while I was out I dropped in on Mrs. Schultz. She’s much better but she would like us to take Junior to the movies again.
ABBY: Well, we must do that tomorrow or the next day.
MARTHA: Yes, but this time we’ll go where we want to go. Junior’s not going to drag me into another one of those scary pictures. (leave)
MORTIMER: Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! Come in here! What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
MARTHA: What are we going to do about what, dear?
MORTIMER: Well, good heavens, I can’t turn you over to the police! But what am I going to do?
MARTHA: Well, for one thing, dear, stop being so excited.
MORTIMER: Well, whatever his name is, you can’t leave him there.
MARTHA: We don’t intend to, dear.
MORTIMER: You mean you’re going to bury Mr. Hotchkiss in the cellar?
MARTHA: Oh, yes, dear,– That’s what we did with the others.
MORTIMER: When you say others– do you mean– others? More than one others?
MARTHA: Oh, yes, dear. Let me see, this is eleven. Isn’t it Abby?
ABBY: No, dear, this makes twelve.
MARTHA: Oh, I think you’re wrong, Abby. This is only eleven.
ABBY: No, dear, because I remember when Mr. Hoskins first came in, it occurred to me that he would make an even dozen.
MARTHA: Well, you really shouldn’t count the first one.
MORTIMER: Now, let’s see, where were we? TWELVE!
MARTHA: Yes, Abby thinks we ought to count the first one at that makes twelve.
MORT: Alright, who was the first one?
ABBY: Mr. Midgely. He was a Baptist.
MARTHA: Of course, I still think we can’t claim full credit for him because he just died.
ABBY: Martha means without any help from us. You see, Mr. Midgely came here looking for a room–
MARTHA: It was right after you moved to New York.
MARTHA: It was right after you moved to New York.
ABBY: –And it didn’t seem right for that lovely room to be going to waste when there were so many people who needed it–
MARTHA: –He was such a lonely old man…
MARTHA: –He was such a lonely old man…
ABBY: All his kith and kin were dead and it left him so forlorn and unhappy–
MARTHA: –We felt so sorry for him.
MORTIMER: He dropped dead right in that chair! How awful for you!
MARTHA: Oh, no, dear. Why, it was rather like old times. Your grandfather always used to have a cadaver or two around the house. You see, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. Midgely was a Yellow Fever victim.
MARTHA: Oh, no, dear. Why, it was rather like old times. Your grandfather always used to have a cadaver or two around the house. You see, Teddy had been digging in Panama and he thought Mr. Midgely was a Yellow Fever victim.
ABBY: That meant he had to be buried immediately.
MARTHA: So we all took him down to Panama and put him in the lock. Now that’s why we told you not to worry about it because we know exactly what’s to be done.
MORTIMER: And that’s how this all started– that man walking in here and dropping dead.
ABBY: Of course, we realized we couldn’t depend on that happening again, so–
MARTHA: You remember those jars of poison that had been up on the shelves in Grandfather’s laboratory all those years–?
ABBY: You know your Aunt Martha’s knack for mixing things. You’ve eaten enough of her piccalilli.
MARTHA: Well, dear, for a gallon of elderberry wine I take one teaspoonful of arsenic, then add a half teaspoonful of strychnine, and then just a pinch of cyanide.
ABBY: Yes! As a matter of fact one of our gentlemen found time to say “How delicious!”
(like the food martha makes :))
MARTHA: Well, I’ll have to get things started in the kitchen.
MARTHA: Well, I’ll have to get things started in the kitchen.
ABBY: I wish you could stay for dinner.
MARTHA: I’m trying out a new recipe.
GIBBS: May I see the room?
MARTHA: Why don’t you sit down a minute and let’s get acquainted.
MORTIMER: Hello. City Desk.
MARTHA: Are your family Brooklyn people?
MORTIMER: Hello, Al? Mort. We got cut off. Al, I can’t cover the play tonight– that’s all there is too it, I can’t!
MARTHA: What church do you go to? There’s an Episcopal church practically next door.
GIBBS: Is there always this much noise?
MARTHA: Oh, he doesn’t live with us.
GIBBS: Never touch it.
MARTHA: We make it ourselves. It’s elderberry wine.
GIBBS: Do you have your own elderberry bushes?
MARTHA: No, but the cemetery is full of them.
ABBY: We might, but first just see whether you like our wine.
(Mortimer goes to sippy wine)
MARTHA: Mortimer! Eh eh eh eh! (pause) Eh eh eh eh!
MORTIMER: You can’t do things like that, I don’t know how to explain this to you, but it’s not only against the law. It’s wrong! People wouldn’t understand. He wouldn’t understand!
MARTHA: Abby, we shouldn’t have told Mortimer.
MORTIMER: I can’t get out of it. But before I go will you promise me something?
MARTHA: We’d have to know what it was first.
MORTIMER: Don’t let anyone in this house– and leave Mr. Hoskins right where he is.
MARTHA: Why?
MORTIMER: Anyway– you’ll do this for me, won’t you?
MARTHA: Well, we were planning on holding services before dinner.
MORTIMER: Services!
MARTHA: (Indignant) Certainly. You don’t think we’d bury Mr. Hoskins without a full Methodist service, do you? Why, he was a Methodist.
MORTIMER: And remember, you’re not going to let anyone in this house while I’m gone– it’s a promise!
MARTHA: Well–
MORTIMER: That’ll be fine. I can save time if I write my review on the way to the theatre.
(Mortimer leaves)
MARTHA: Mortimer didn’t seem quite himself today.
ABBY: Well, that’s only natural– I think I know why.
MARTHA: Why?
ABBY: He’s just become engaged to be married. I suppose that always makes a man nervous.
MARTHA: Well, I’m so happy for Elaine– and their honeymoon ought to give Mortimer a real vacation. I don’t think he got much rest this summer.
ABBY: Well, at least he didn’t go kiting off to China or Spain.
MARTHA: I could never understand why he wanted to go to those places.
ABBY: Well, I think to Mortimer the theatre has always seemed pretty small potatoes. He needs something big to criticize– something like the human race.
(Mortimer… human… criticize dead human… SERVICES!)
MARTHA: Oh, Abby, if Mortimer’s coming back for services for Mr. Hoskins, we’ll need another hymnal. There’s one in my room.
ABBY: You know, dear, it’s really my turn to read the services, but since you weren’t here when Mr. Hoskins came I want you to do it.
MARTHA: That’s very nice of you, dear– but are you sure you want me to?
ABBY: It’s only fair.
MARTHA:Well, I think I’ll wear my black bombazine and Mother’s old broach.
ABBY: (doorbell) I’ll get it, dear.
MARTHA: We promised Mortimer we wouldn’t let anyone in.
MARTHA: We promised Mortimer we wouldn’t let anyone in.
ABBY: Who do you suppose it is?
MARTHA: Wait a minute, I’ll look. It’s two men– and I’ve never seen them before.
MARTHA: Wait a minute, I’ll look. It’s two men– and I’ve never seen them before.
ABBY: Are you sure?
MARTHA: There’s a car at the curb– they must have come in that.
MARTHA: There’s a car at the curb– they must have come in that.
ABBY: Let me look!
MARTHA: Do you recognize them?
MARTHA: Do you recognize them?
ABBY: They’re strangers to me.
MARTHA: We’ll just have to pretend we’re not at home.
JONATHAN: Why, Aunt Abby! Aunt Martha! It’s Jonathan.
MARTHA: You get out of here.
JONATHAN: I see you’re still wearing the lovely garnet ring that Grandma Brewster bought in England. And you, Aunt Martha, still the high collar– to hide the scar where Grandfather’s acid burned you.
MARTHA: (To Abby) His voice is like Jonathan’s.
JONATHAN: No– My face– Dr. Einstein is responsible for that. He’s a plastic surgeon. He changes people’s faces.
MARTHA: But I’ve seen that face before. Abby, remember when we took the little Schultz boy to the movies and I was so frightened? It was that face!
ABBY: Well– Jonathan– it’s been a long time– what have you bee doing all these years?
MARTHA: Yes, Johnathan, where have you been?
ABBY: Oh, we were in Chicago for the World’s Fair.
MARTHA: Yes– We found Chicago awfully warm.
ABBY: We’re very fond of Mortimer.
MARTHA: Well, Jonathan, it’s very nice to have seen you again.
(Just met Jonathan)
ABBY: Well, Martha, we mustn’t let what’s on the stove boil over.
MARTHA: Yes, if you’ll excuse us for a minute, Jonathan. Unless you’re in a hurry to be somewhere.
JONATHAN: I’d take the time to bring him here for one of Aunt Martha’s home-cooked dinners.
MARTHA: Oh…
ABBY: I’m sorry, I’m afraid there wouldn’t be enough.
MARTHA: Abby, it’s a pretty good-sized pot roast.
JONATHAN: Pot roast!
MARTHA: I think the least we can do is to–
JONATHAN: Thank you, Aunt Martha! We’ll stay to dinner.
ABBY: Well, we’ll hurry it along.
MARTHA: Yes!
ABBY: Well, I know you both want to get to– wherever you’re going.
CHONNY: My dear aunts– I’m so full of that delicious dinner, I’m unable to move a muscle.
EINSTEIN: Yah. it’s very nice here.
MARTHA: After all– it’s very late and–
EINSTEIN: We go some other time, Panama’s a long way off.
ABBY: Nonsense, it’s just in the cellar.
JONATHAN: The cellar?
MARTHA: We let him dig the Panama Canal in the cellar.
T. DAWG: Yes, you look like someone I’d meet in the jungle.
ABBY: It’s your brother, Jonathan, dear.
MARTHA: He’s had his face changed.
JONATHAN: Aunt Abby, I must correct your misapprehension. You spoke of our hotel. We came directly here–
MARTHA: Well, there’s a very nice little hotel just three blocks down the–
JONATHAN: Are there lodgers in this house?
MARTHA: Well, not just now, but we plan to have some.
JONATHAN: Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remembered, this afternoon, that as a boy I could be disagreeable. It wouldn’t be very pleasant for any of us if–
MARTHA: Perhaps we’d better let them stay here tonight–
JONATHAN: That’s settled. Now, if you’ll get my room ready–
MARTHA: It only needs airing out.
JONATHAN: In a few weeks you’ll see me looking like a very different Jonathan.
MARTHA: He can’t operate on you here.
JONATHAN: Please get our room ready immediately.
MARTHA: Well–
JONATHAN: Then you can go to bed. We’re moving the car up behind the house.
MARTHA: It’s all right where it is– until morning.
JONATHAN: I don’t want to leave it in the street– that might be against the law.
MARTHA: Abby, what are we going to do?
ABBY: What would the neighbors think? People coming in here with one face and going out with another.
MARTHA: What are we going to do about Mr. Hoskins?
ABBY: He’s been so patient, the poor dear. Well, I think Teddy had better get Mr. Hoskins downstairs right away.
MARTHA: Abby– I will not invite Jonathan to the funeral services.
TEDDY: Dear me– this will be a shock to the General.
MARTHA: Then we mustn’t tell him about it.
ABBY: We must keep it a secret.
MARTHA: Yes!
ABBY: Yes, a state secret.
MARTHA: Promise?
ABBY: You come up and take the poor man out to the Canal. Now go along, Teddy.
MARTHA: And we’ll come down later and hold services.
ABBY: You come up and take the poor man out to the Canal. Now go along, Teddy.
MARTHA: And we’ll come down later and hold services.
TEDDY: You may announce the President will say a few words. Where is the poor devil?
MARTHA: He’s in the window seat.
ABBY: Martha, when Jonathan and Dr. Einstein come back, let’s see if we can get them to go to bed right away.
MARTHA: Yes, then by the time they’re asleep, we’ll be dressed for the funeral. Abby, I’ve never even seen Mr. Hoskins.
ABBY: You must be very tired, both of you– We don’t go to bed this early.
JONATHAN: Well, you should. It’s time I came home to take care of you.
MARTHA: We weren’t planning to go until–
Elaine screams
ABBY: What’s the matter?
MARTHA: What’s happening down there?
MORTIMER: That’s my old room. I’m sleeping in that room. I’m here to stay.
MARTHA: Oh, Mortimer, I’m so glad.
MORTIMER: You’ve almost been– Abby! Martha!
MARTHA: No! It was Jonathan.
MORTIMER: Why, darling, you’re trembling. Have you got any smelling salts?
MARTHA: No, but do you think some hot tea, or coffee–?
MORTIMER: Coffee. Make some for me too– and some sandwiches. I haven’t had any dinner.
MARTHA: We’ll make something for the both of you.
ABBY: Why, you wanted some sandwiches for you both. It won’t take a minute.
MARTHA: Why, don’t you remember– we wanted to celebrate your engagement? (haha shoe) That’s what we’ll do dear.We’ll make a nice supper for the both of you. And we’ll open a bottle of wine!
JONATHAN: Don’t reach for that telephone. Are you still giving me orders after seeing what’s happened to Mr. Spenalzo?
MARTHA: Spenalzo?
MORTIMER: (grabbing O’hara) No, no. Come in.
ABBY: Yes, come in.
MARTHA: Come right in, Officer O’Hara. This is our nephew Mortimer.
ABBY: Oh, I forgot the coffee.
MARTHA: Well, I’d better make some more sandwiches. I ought to know your appetite by this time, Officer.
O’HARA: I can wait. I’ve been waiting twelve years.
MARTHA: I’m sorry I was so long.
MORTIMER: Don’t bring that in here. O’Hara, would you join us for a bite in the kitchen?
MARTHA: The kitchen?
ABBY: Jonathan’s leaving.
MARTHA: Oh. Well, that’s nice. Come along, Officer O’Hara.
JONATHAN: Just Mortimer, and he’ll be back in a few minutes. Is there any food left in the kitchen? I think Dr. Einstein and I would enjoy a bite.
MARTHA: But you won’t have time.
JONATHAN: Get something for us to eat while we bury Mr. Spenalzo in the cellar.
MARTHA: Oh no!
JONATHAN: There’s a friend of Mortimer’s downstairs waiting for him.
ABBY: A friend of Mortimer’s?
JONATHAN: He and Mr. Spenalzo will get along fine together. They’re both dead.
MARTHA: They must mean Mr. Hoskins.
ABBY: Of course we do, and he’s no friend of Mortimer’s. He’s one of our gentlemen.
EINSTEIN: Your chentlemen?
MARTHA: And we won’t have any strangers buried in our cellar.
JONATHAN: But Mr. Hoskins-
MARTHA: Mr. Hoskins isn’t a stranger.
ABBY: Murdered! Certainly not. It’s one of our charities.
MARTHA: Why, what we’ve been doing is a mercy.
START OF ACT THREE
MARTHA: You stop doing that!
(Burying Spenalzo)
JONATHAN: Abby! Martha! Go upstairs!
MARTHA: There’s no use your doing what you’re doing because it will just have to be undone.
ABBY: I tell you we won’t have it and you’d better stop it right now.
MARTHA: All right! You’ll find out. You’ll find out whose house this is.
ABBY: I’m warning you! You’d better stop it! Hasn’t Mortimer come back yet?
MARTHA: No.
ABBY: It’s a terrible thing to do– to bury a good Methodist with a foreigner.
MARTHA: I will not have our cellar desecrated!
ABBY: And we promised Mr. Hoskins a full Christian funeral. Where do you suppose Mortimer went?
MARTHA: I don’t know, but he must be doing something– because he said to Jonathan, “You just wait, I’ll settle this.”
MORTIMER: I’ve been over to Dr. Gilchrist’s. I’ve got his signature on Teddy’s commitment papers.
MARTHA: Mortimer, what is the matter with you?
ABBY: Running around getting papers signed at a time like this!
MARTHA: Do you know what Jonathan’s doing?
MORTIMER: Oh, he is, is he? Well, let him. Is Teddy in his room?
MARTHA: Teddy won’t be any help.
MORTIMER: All right. The police. You can’t go for the police.
MARTHA: Why can’t we?
MORTIMER: But if they found your twelve gentlemen, they’d have to report to headquarters.
MARTHA: I’m not so sure they’d bother. They’d have to make out a very long report– and if there’s one thing a policeman hates to do, it’s to write.
MORTIMER: You can’t depend on that. It might leak out! –and you couldn’t expect a judge and jury to understand.
MARTHA: Oh, Judge Cullman would.
(Judge Cullman)
ABBY: We know him very well.
MARTHA: He always comes to church to pray– just before election.
ABBY: And he’s coming here to tea some day. He promised.
MARTHA: Oh, Abby, we must speak to him again about that. His wife died a few years ago and it’s left him very lonely.
MORTIMER: I am going to do something. We may have to call the police in later, but if we do, I want to be ready for them.
MARTHA: You’ve got to get Jonathan out of this house!
MORTIMER: They’ll be out, I promise you that! Go to bed, would you? And for God’s sake get out of those clothes– you look like Judith Anderson.
MARTHA: Well, Abby, that’s a relief isn’t it?
ABBY: You’re all going to be out of this house by morning. Mortimer’s promised.
JONATHAN: Oh, are we? In that case, you and Aunt Martha can go to bed and have a pleasant night’s sleep.
MARTHA: Yes. Come, Abby.
ABBY: Not good night, Jonathan. Goodbye. By the time we get up you’ll be out of this house. Mortimer’s promised.
MARTHA: And he has a way of doing it too!
ABBY: Oh, yes, he’s up here talking to Teddy.
MARTHA: Goodbye, Jonathan.
MORTIMER: Good morning, darlings.
MARTHA: Oh, we have visitors.
MORTIMER: Why, the Lieutenant is here– You know, Teddy blew his bugle again last night.
MARTHA: Yes, we’re going to speak to Teddy about that.
ABBY: Oh, Mrs. Witherspoon– how do you do?
MARTHA: You’ve come to meet Teddy.
MORT: Aunties- the police want Teddy to go there, today.
ABBY: Oh– no!
MARTHA: Not while we’re alive!
ABBY: We won’t permit it. We’ll promise to take the bugle away from him.
MARTHA: We won’t be separated from Teddy!
ABBY: Well if he goes, we’re going too.
MARTHA: Yes, you’ll have to take us with him.
WITHERSPOON: Well, that’s sweet of them to want to, but it’s impossible. You see, we can’t take sane people at Happy Dale.
MARTHA: Mrs. Witherspoon, if you’ll let us live there with Teddy, we’ll see that Happy Dale is in our will– and for a very generous amount.
ABBY: But there are thirteen bodies in our cellar.
MARTHA: If that’s why you think Teddy has to go away– you come down to the cellar with us and we’ll prove it to you.
MORT: Can’t they commit themselves? Can’t they sign the papers?
WITHERSPOON: Why, certainly.
MARTHA: Oh, if we can go with Teddy, we’ll sign the papers. Where are they?
ABBY: Good morning, Mrs. Klein.
MARTHA: Good morning, Mrs. Klein. Are you here too?
ABBY: I’m really looking forward to going– the neighborhood here has changed so.
MARTHA: Just think, a front lawn again.
WITHERSPOON: Oh, we’re overlooking something.
MARTHA: What?
EINSTEIN: I think I must go.
MARTHA: Aren’t you going to wait for Jonathan?
ABBY: No, Mortimer, you stay here. We want to talk to you. Yes, Mrs. Witherspoon, just upstairs and to the left.
MARTHA: Well, Mortimer, now that we’re moving, this house really is yours.
MORTIMER: No, Aunt Abby, this house is too full of memories.
MARTHA: But you’ll need a home when you and Elaine are married.
MORTIMER: Now, darlings, you’re going to love it at Happy Dale.
MARTHA: Oh, yes we’re very happy about the whole thing. That’s just it– we don’t want anything to go wrong.
MORTIMER: Don’t worry, they’re not going to look up Dr. Einstein.
MARTHA: It’s not his signature, dear, it’s yours.
ABBY: You see, you signed as next of kin.
MORTIMER: Of course. Why not?
MARTHA: Well, dear, it’s something we never wanted to tell you. But now you’re a man– and it’s something Elaine really should know too. You see, dear– you’re not really a Brewster.
MORTIMER: I’m– not– really– a– Brewster?
MARTHA: Now don’t feel badly about it, dear.
MORTIMER: Elaine! Did you hear? Do you understand? I’m a bastard!
MARTHA: Well, now I really must see about breakfast.
ROONEY: We won’t need the wagon. My car’s out front.
MARTHA: Oh, you’re leaving now, Jonathan?
ABBY: Well, Jonathan, it’s nice to know you have some place to go.
MARTHA: We’re leaving too.
JONATHAN: Then this house is seeing the last of the Brewsters.
MARTHA: Unless Mortimer wants to live here.
JONATHAN: Goodbye, Aunties. Well, I can’t better my record now, but neither can you– at least I have that satisfaction. The score stands even, twelve to twelve.
MARTHA: Jonathan always was a mean boy. Never could stand to see anyone get ahead of him.
WITHERSPOON: I have no family.
ABBY: Oh–
MARTHA: Well, I suppose you consider everyone at Happy Dale your family?
WITHERSPOON: Elderberry wine?
MARTHA: We make it ourselves.
