Act 1 Scene 1 Flashcards
So, the fella’s wife says, “Alrighty. But where did I park the car?”
She lost the car!
She lost it!
Oh, goodness, no!
Hey Millie, where you folks keep your olives?
Icebox.
And reveal my secret recipe? Now stay put, prepare your tastebuds! Six Baxter Specials, coming right up!
Please, everyone, eat up. If there’s any of Norma’s canapes left over, I’ll eat every single one!
… anything from potted meats to light, fluffy biscuits, every time!
I wish I’d had Spry when I was suffering the curse of Bride’s Biscuits!
So do I!
Oh, you!
Hey Millie, got any seltzer?
Under the sink.
How ‘bout sardines?
No, sorry.
That’s okay, I’ll make do. (EX Jim)
Sardines? (w Bob)
Perhaps I should give Jim a hand.
Yes, darling, I think that’s best.
Your Bob is so debonair, Mildred.
Oh, please, it’s Millie to friends.
… I came up with the name for our annual Bazaar last year!
What’d you name it?
… Maybe we’ll just call it the Spring Fling and hope no one notices.
I find with a proper diversion, people will overlook anything.
Oh, I don’t smoke. But I try to keep one handy in case someone else wants one.
Isn’t that just adorable? Norma, I’ll have one.
Oh, let me! (Kitty rise)
Looking for the powder room, Kitty?
No, I try not to be around smoke when I’m wearing fur. It’s such a devil getting the odor out.
Well, let me take your wrap. I’ll put it in the closet.
Since 1931. So, almost twenty years.
That’s so marvelous! Can you picture what we’ll be like with our boys after all that time?
… How about you?
I don’t know, you might do well in typing school.
Not that, you goose! How’d you girls meet your husbands?
Well, I met Bob through Norma.
Millie and I have been girlfriends for years. When I first moved to D.C., we shared a room (cut off)
At the Susan B. Anthony. She was in secretarial school, I was working at a darling luncheonette (cut off)
… Said it was cheaper than buying all those new handkerchiefs.
That is adorable! I have never heard that story.
… When your country calls, you answer.
I’m glad my country’s letting me stay home. Heaven knows I’ve enough to keep me busy.
My word, Millie! What are you using on this desk to get such a brilliant shine?
Foster’s Furniture Creme! It gives a glorious sheen without waxy residue, and with its patented long-lasting gleam, Foster’s cut my cleaning time in half!
Six Baxter Specials, as promised!
Oh, nummy nummy nummy!
Would anyone care for a cigarette?
Perhaps later Bob. Kitty’s wearing fur and it’s such a devil to get the odor out.
Alright then. Well, I’d like to propose a toast.
Let’s see if he can finish before the ice melts.
… And to Mr. Sunderson - it’s been a pleasure to work for you, but even more so to welcome you and your lovely wife as new friends.
Hear hear! (with Jim & Norma)
The next step?
The next bold step.
Persons vulnerable to blackmail. Drunkards. Loose women. General moral turpitude. Deviants.
Oh, I don’t know if I should be hearing this.
Surely you’d find them when you check for mental illness.
Oh, yes, wouldn’t you?
That’s not it.
Can’t argue with science.
I’ve got an appointment tomorrow, care to join?
I’d have to check my book.
Go ahead.
Of course. Tomorrow, you said? (go to desk) Drat. I’ve got the butcher tomorrow, all the way over in Columbia Heights. Takes a whole afternoon.
Really?! Where?
… U Street
I’ll call you tomorrow, Millie! Ta!
Ta!
Mrs. Baxter, Mr. Baxter. Mrs. Martindale, my thanks for your gracious hospitality.
Again, soon!
EX Theo, Kitty, Bob
Oh Christ. I hope there’s a fucking butcher on U Street.
Simplicity, babe. The more elaborate the story, the harder it is to keep afloat. That’s what you always tell me.
I tell you that because you’re truly quite terrible at inventing stories. What the hell was the flapdoodle with the handkerchiefs?
You’ve lost me.
Oh, Jimmy, I wish you’d heard. Told of your whirlwind courtship, and this incurable sentimentalist included enough discarded handkerchiefs to fill a Chinese laundry. I had to bite the inside of my cheek. I might have bled. I think I did.
Well, apparently now we’re looking for homosexuals. And drunks and whores. Goody.
But how can you (cut)
Because Bob designed the system. Now stop worrying, both of you.
All this work for that gas bag and his dingbat wife. Now I’ve got to go all the way to Columbia Heights to get my nails done.
And find a butcher. Norma’s right, you should keep your stories simple.
I can’t help it, I’m a creative soul. I used to write poetry, you know, in college.
You came alive as a woman, and were forever changed.
Yes. Well, I was. I should try writing again. I was pretty damn good. Jimmy, go next door if you’re just going to lie about. You and Bob have your own sofa.
You do not! You stop that!
My God, are there stains? Get up right now!
We’re not indecent about it. We put down a towel.
Ew! One of ours?
Grow up. Sex is messy. Bodies leak things. Think of everything that pours out of your lady parts.
You are so crude!
Only when they come bearing crepes and French poetry.
You’re both evil, hateful people.
No, Norma, that was me walking through a door. I know it’s all a bit foreign to you, but man sex looks totally different.
That’s it, you two are like children, we are getting a plastic cover.
Let’s have her over!
You boys could help with cleaning up!
That’s woman’s work!
Jimmy Baxter, get up right now, you do not want to get your ass kicked by a dyke!
But people like us have nothing to worry about.
How did I end up doing all the work in there?
Goodnight girls.
G’night Bob. G’night Jimmy.
