Act 1

Question 1

Desmond: Evidently you do not attend the theater.

Answer 1

Or read.

Question 2

Desmond: We happen to be the stars of your local stock company this summer. We were told we might find some costumes here.

Answer 2

Explain what we’re looking for, King

Question 3

Rosie: What’d you call him!

Answer 3

King. Last year in Texas, he was voted King of Community theater by Turkey World

Question 4

Rosie: King! Didn’t I tell you, Opal, the cards don’t lie

Answer 4

What is she talking about?

Question 5

Rosie: Queenie!

Answer 5

Yes. Do you recognize me?

Question 6

Rosie: Only from the cards….Don’t spit in the face of facts, Opal.

Answer 6

What IS she talking about?

Question 7

Opal: Now, Rosie dear, there are lots of folks around called King or Queen

Answer 7

Yes, England for instance.

Question 8

Desmond: Is she quite sane?

Answer 8

Is she your mother?

Question 9

Rosie: I also tell fortunes with my hot meat balls - costs you a quarter more, though

Answer 9

I’ll drop in some day - with my food stamps

Question 10

Opal: So yore play actors. I shoulda know’d that the minute I laid eyes on you.

Answer 10

Indeed? Why?

Question 11

Opal: That fur you’re wearing. I’ll bet that’s real muskrat.

Answer 11

It happens to be mink.

Question 12

Rosie: Never heard of goin’ huntin’ fer dead alligators

Answer 12

I find the subject less than stimulating. Could we change it?

Question 13

Opal: Shore why don’t you set down dearie…you find that chair comfortable?

Answer 13

Does anyone?

Question 14

Opal: Belonged to my Grandma Kronkie…But then you must look different onstage.

Answer 14

Did you see Lear last week?

Question 15

Opal: No - don’t think I know him. What does he do?

Answer 15

He is a Play. My husband - If I do say so myself - was superb. Your local paper said, “incredible” and “a performance you’ll never forget.

Question 16

Opal: Well, I don’t read no newspapers until their at least a year old……..Ole news is bes’ news

Answer 16

You must come see ME, next week. I’m playing, “St. Joan”

Question 17

Opal: Well. I got three floors here, all filled with interestin’ things folks has throw’d away…..Ef they live that long.

Answer 17

What sort of things do you have?

Question 18

Opal: Everything from the Lord’s Prayer on the head of a pin to a shrunken human head on a stick.

Answer 18

Not a relative, I hope.

Question 19

Opal: It wuz jes plain ole stage money, Rosie - you can’t even paper the wall with it.

Answer 19

Well, that’s one thing we’re looking for. You see after St. Joan, King is doing Brewster’s Millions.

Question 20

Opal: Well, that’s includin’ the trunk

Answer 20

We’ll take it.

Question 21

Opal: I’ll try, dearie. You folks jes’ make yourselves at home.

Answer 21

Heaven forbid.

Question 22

Rosie: Opal don’t never throw anything away. Not even food. Takes it in a bag when she goes scroungin’. Why I seen her with as many as fifteen cats followin’ her little wagon. Dogs too.

Answer 22

Too bad someone doesn’t write a play about her.

Question 23

Rosie: I been thinkin’ about doing that myself. Writing’ a play.

Answer 23

Why not. Everyone else does.

Question 24

Rosie: Ef I did, I’d call it Everybody Loves Opal. Because that’s the God’s truth. She aint got an enemy in the world. An she jes loves everybody.

Answer 24

So you said. - Cats and dogs.

Question 25

Rosie: That long ago! Anyhow this feller said that she wuz still actin when she was seventy - an with a wooden leg too.

Answer 25

An actor's talent is not in the legs

Question 26

Desmond: Too bad we're not doing Macbeth. We could cast two of the witches right here.

Answer 26

As long as we're waiting- we might as well see if we can find anything we might be able to use. I could use some fake jewelry.

Question 27

Desmond: Well dear - I've found just the thing for you. Here's a charming necklace made of acorns

Answer 27

Those aren't acorns, dear. They look more like teeth.

Question 28

Desmond: Human?

Answer 28

It wouldn't surprise me. Get rid of them.

Question 29

Desmond: Now, look at this horror. Can you imagine anyone being caught dead in a dress like this?

Answer 29

Yes - a ridiculous female impersonator. This must be the cape the magician wore.

Question 30

Desmond: Too bad we're not playing Dracula for these dumb audiences here.

Answer 30

What makes you think we're not.

Question 31

Desmond: Here's a Spanish comb. That might come in handy for stabbing someone

Answer 31

Or serving spaghetti.

Question 32

Desmond: What do you suppose is in this chest?

Answer 32

Probably a mummy. Don't open it.

Question 33

Desmond: Look - she's got a box of sheets. Now what home do you suppose they came from.

Answer 33

Oh, some funeral home.

Question 34

Desmond: And here's a feather boa. aren't they supposed to make a woman look sexy?

Answer 34

Only if she's nude. Will you look at this monstrosity? Now who'd ever buy a picture of a dead duck with a rotten apple?

Question 35

Desmond: Oh a butcher shop - to hand in the window

Answer 35

There's only one other place I'd hang it and you know where.

Question 36

Desmond: What in God's name is this!

Answer 36

It's a muff stupid.

Question 37

D: What's it used for?

Answer 37

To keep biscuits hot, dear.

Question 38

D: I don't think there's anything here we want. You look if you want to. I'll read my paper.

Answer 38

Do you suppose she has any wigs? I can always use wigs.

Question 39

D: No - but I'm sure she has a few scalps here.

Answer 39

(teddy bear) Now - here's something we might use if we do the Curious Savage.

Question 40

D: The what?

Answer 40

Oh, you know - that Patrick play that was such a flop on Broadway, with Angela Lansbury. She had a teddy bear filled with all her money.

Question 41

D: I didn't see it.

Answer 41

You had to be quick. But Angela Lansbury was so lovely. Wore a blue wig and...

Question 42

D: Wait! Did you see this!!

Answer 42

See what?

Question 43

D: OMG - I can't believe it!

Answer 43

What is it! Don't tell me the theater burned down!

Question 44

D: Listen. "Valuable Dutch Masterpiece Missing from Hockerheimer Museum"

Answer 44

So what. You frightened me.

Question 45

D: Wait. the famous painting Mallard and Apple, by the Dutch renaissance artist Van Von Vanderdam, valued at one million dollars, was discovered missing today by the board of trustees.

Answer 45

You think that picture -

Question 46

D: Get it! See if it's signed!

Answer 46

Van Von Vanderdam!

Question 47

D: It's the same picture!

Answer 47

And she has that Vanderdam here!

Question 48

D: Damn

Answer 48

But how'd she get it? Do you think she stole it?

Question 49

D: Not a chance. Listen: This valuable painting had been removed several weeks ago for cleaning and placed in a store room at the rear of the museum. It is feared that new workmen engaged to enlarge this area threw this priceless masterpiece into their rubbish under the impression that it was a piece of discarded canvas.

Answer 49

And that goony bird found it!

Question 50

D: But listen to this! "The insurance company is offering a reward of fifty thousand dollars to anyone who finds this valuable canvas and returns it to the museum,"

Answer 50

Fifty thousand! Do you think she knows?

Question 51

D: no - but WE do. We'll make a deal with her.

Answer 51

She said herself she doesn't read the papers.

Question 52

D: We'll tell her about it and make her promise to share the reward

Answer 52

Are you crazy? We'll buy it and keep the reward ourselves.

Question 53

D: of course. if we pay her what she asks, it'll be an honest deal.

Answer 53

What'll we offer her? Two dollars?

Question 54

D: Make it five. She might get suspicious. Fifty thousand dollars! We can have our mortgage lifted

Answer 54

And I can have my face lifted!

Question 55

D: And we could collect our unemployment insurance in a Rolls-Royce

Answer 55

We've got to be very tricky how we trick her dear.

Question 56

D: We're actors aren't we?

Answer 56

We'll have to pretend we are interested in some of her other things first and then decide to buy the painting as a kind of gag.

Question 57

D: She might even give it to us if we buy enough things first

Answer 57

Give her some tickets to see our show and then she might just give us the painting out of gratitude.

Question 58

D: In case we have to pay cash, how much have you got with you?

Answer 58

Five dollars and two airmail stamps.

Question 59

D: I've got thirty dollars and a subway token

Answer 59

That's a fortune to her.

Question 60

D: Do you think she'd take our check if we had to go higher?

Answer 60

Why not - we look honest, don't we?

Question 61

O: Well, I finally remembered where I forgot I'd put it. Sorry I took so long but I had to empty a couple of rat traps first.

Answer 61

Oh, we haven't minded waiting at all. You have so many lovely things, we're tempted to buy them all.

Question 62

O: Well, if I do say so myself, I got taste. When you ain't got looks, taste is the next best thing to cash

Answer 62

And what you've done to this room! It could start a trend. Crude is so chic nowadays. And basic is so honest.

Question 63

D: For ten million? And the trunk? You can spend that - it's real

Answer 63

Like us.

Question 64

D: You can't take it with you.

Answer 64

Opal, dear - may I call you dear? I feel as if we're old friends already.

Question 65

O: Well, I try to feel that way about everybody. It's a good start and saves time.

Answer 65

Well, Opal dear, there are so many things I want to buy from you, but I don't want to rob you of all your treasures.

Question 66

O: Well, I'd be selfish, hoardin' all my goodies jes for myself alone.

Answer 66

For instance - this fabulous necklace - so - so of today. What are the stones dear?

Question 67

Gall stones. Used to belong to a doctor's wife

Answer 67

Gall stones!

Question 68

O: Yep. each one of them stones come from somebody famous. Senators - movie stars - a Navajo chief - and at least two Democrats

Answer 68

No republicans?

Question 69

O: No - I guess they keep their stones. Anyhow there ain't another necklace like it in this world.

Answer 69

I can well believe that. Could you bear to part with it?

Question 70

O: Well, I wuz askin three bucks for it but seen as you like it so much - you kin have it fer two

Answer 70

Here dear - I've just bought a fabulous conversation piece.

Question 71

D: What about this feather boa dear? Couldn't you use that for some special occasion?

Answer 71

How could I live without it. It's so - so in.

Question 72

O: Try it on dearie.......hat......ain't that a picture?

Answer 72

Where is everybody?

Question 73

O: Only one thing's missing, I know! Put your hands in this and yore Mrs. Rockafeller in person

Answer 73

SCREAMS

Question 74

D: What is it??

Answer 74

There's a mouse in it!

Question 75

D: Make it five. We wouldn't want to rob you. See anything else, dear?

Answer 75

Let me look. There's so much. Oh, look dear, isn't this quaint. Did you paint this yourself?

Question 76

O: that's right. there was a lot of rubbish. plaster and stuff

Answer 76

It's rather interesting, isn't it - for a primitive painter.

Question 77

D: Yes - but we've no use for it, my dear.

Answer 77

Wait! Do you know what just occurred to me?

Question 78

D: Lunch?

Answer 78

Well, you know, stupid! Do you know Ibsen's Wild Duck?

Question 79

D: Oh, yes, of course, The Wild Duck. Ibsen.

Answer 79

It's our final production. I'm to play the lead.

Question 80

O: Yore gonna play a dead duck?

Answer 80

And think how perfect this picture would be on the wall of our set. So symbolic.

Question 81

D: Very

Answer 81

We'll take this one too, Opal. And we'll see that you have seats on opening night.

Question 82

O: Well you see, I'm saving it for a birthday present.

Answer 82

Oh, well, you could substitute something else, couldn't you?

Question 83

D: It doesn't make any difference. We happen to be perfectionists. It will help establish the mood of the play.

Answer 83

Don't be so frugal dear. I'll tell you what we'll do because we like you so. We'll give you fifteen.

Question 84

O: Why I couldn't sleep nights knowin' I sold my conscience for fifteen dollars

Answer 84

We'll make it twenty to help your conscience feel better.

Question 85

O: But you could go to any butcher shop and get a real dead duck for a buck and a half.

Answer 85

A real dead duck hanging on the wall of our set would be distracting, Opal dear. Twenty-five

Question 86

O: No, but I'll tell you what I will do. I happen to have a stuffed penguin upstairs you can have for fifty cents.

Answer 86

We don't want a penguin.

Question 87

O: A hoot owl perhaps

Answer 87

We want the picture. Nothing else will do.

Question 88

O: No - that's jes what I don't want. I wanna surprise this fren.

Answer 88

Besides. Time is running out.

Question 89

D: Judas only got thirty pieces - we're offering you forty-five

Answer 89

Fifty

Question 90

D: You're refusing a hundred dollars for a picture not worth two. Does that answer your question who's crazy

Answer 90

We're offering you that much because it's worth it to the success of our play.

Question 91

O: No you ain't. An' you ain't being truthful with me neither.

Answer 91

What do you mean

Question 92

O: Yes, sir. Charity...Yore good people. An I think you

Answer 92

Opal, I swear, I do not feel sorry for you.

Question 93

D: We'll take it. Opal accept the hundred dollars and buy your friend some live little baby ducks in stead.

Answer 93

YES! Think how happy a hundred ittsy bitty baby ducks would make her. Maybe two hundred - little yellow ducklings.

Question 94

D: Five hundred!

Answer 94

Oh-h-h-h Oh - this is getting too much for my heart. Oh -

Question 95

D: Queenie - what is it? Are you going to faint?

Answer 95

[collapse onto chair and fall on floor]

Question 96

D: Darling, are you hurt?

Answer 96

Of course I'm hurt, you fool!

Question 97

O: Hold her mouth open. I'll give her some of this here medicine.

Answer 97

Help me up - you idiot. Never mind that poison.

Question 98

O: Sorry bout that, dearie. How's about yore leg?

Answer 98

I may never walk again.

Question 99

O: Well, now, I jes happen to have a slightly used pair of crutches. You can have one fer a quarter or get a bargin at a dollar a pair.

Answer 99

Desmond. take me out of here before I start screaming.

Question 100

D: Sweetheart - we can't leave. We haven't got that -

Answer 100

I know what I'm doing. There is more than way to skin a cat.

Question 101

D: Are you sure - ?

Answer 101

Trust me - I'll explain later. There's still tomorrow.

Question 102

D: I hope you know what you're doing.

Answer 102

I do. It's going to be alright.