Act 1 Flashcards
Desmond: Evidently you do not attend the theater.
Or read.
Desmond: We happen to be the stars of your local stock company this summer. We were told we might find some costumes here.
Explain what we’re looking for, King
Rosie: What’d you call him!
King. Last year in Texas, he was voted King of Community theater by Turkey World
Rosie: King! Didn’t I tell you, Opal, the cards don’t lie
What is she talking about?
Rosie: Queenie!
Yes. Do you recognize me?
Rosie: Only from the cards….Don’t spit in the face of facts, Opal.
What IS she talking about?
Opal: Now, Rosie dear, there are lots of folks around called King or Queen
Yes, England for instance.
Desmond: Is she quite sane?
Is she your mother?
Rosie: I also tell fortunes with my hot meat balls - costs you a quarter more, though
I’ll drop in some day - with my food stamps
Opal: So yore play actors. I shoulda know’d that the minute I laid eyes on you.
Indeed? Why?
Opal: That fur you’re wearing. I’ll bet that’s real muskrat.
It happens to be mink.
Rosie: Never heard of goin’ huntin’ fer dead alligators
I find the subject less than stimulating. Could we change it?
Opal: Shore why don’t you set down dearie…you find that chair comfortable?
Does anyone?
Opal: Belonged to my Grandma Kronkie…But then you must look different onstage.
Did you see Lear last week?
Opal: No - don’t think I know him. What does he do?
He is a Play. My husband - If I do say so myself - was superb. Your local paper said, “incredible” and “a performance you’ll never forget.
Opal: Well, I don’t read no newspapers until their at least a year old……..Ole news is bes’ news
You must come see ME, next week. I’m playing, “St. Joan”
Opal: Well. I got three floors here, all filled with interestin’ things folks has throw’d away…..Ef they live that long.
What sort of things do you have?
Opal: Everything from the Lord’s Prayer on the head of a pin to a shrunken human head on a stick.
Not a relative, I hope.
Opal: It wuz jes plain ole stage money, Rosie - you can’t even paper the wall with it.
Well, that’s one thing we’re looking for. You see after St. Joan, King is doing Brewster’s Millions.
Opal: Well, that’s includin’ the trunk
We’ll take it.
Opal: I’ll try, dearie. You folks jes’ make yourselves at home.
Heaven forbid.
Rosie: Opal don’t never throw anything away. Not even food. Takes it in a bag when she goes scroungin’. Why I seen her with as many as fifteen cats followin’ her little wagon. Dogs too.
Too bad someone doesn’t write a play about her.
Rosie: I been thinkin’ about doing that myself. Writing’ a play.
Why not. Everyone else does.
Rosie: Ef I did, I’d call it Everybody Loves Opal. Because that’s the God’s truth. She aint got an enemy in the world. An she jes loves everybody.
So you said. - Cats and dogs.
Rosie: That long ago! Anyhow this feller said that she wuz still actin when she was seventy - an with a wooden leg too.
An actor’s talent is not in the legs
Desmond: Too bad we’re not doing Macbeth. We could cast two of the witches right here.
As long as we’re waiting- we might as well see if we can find anything we might be able to use. I could use some fake jewelry.
Desmond: Well dear - I’ve found just the thing for you. Here’s a charming necklace made of acorns
Those aren’t acorns, dear. They look more like teeth.
Desmond: Human?
It wouldn’t surprise me. Get rid of them.
Desmond: Now, look at this horror. Can you imagine anyone being caught dead in a dress like this?
Yes - a ridiculous female impersonator. This must be the cape the magician wore.
Desmond: Too bad we’re not playing Dracula for these dumb audiences here.
What makes you think we’re not.
Desmond: Here’s a Spanish comb. That might come in handy for stabbing someone
Or serving spaghetti.
Desmond: What do you suppose is in this chest?
Probably a mummy. Don’t open it.
Desmond: Look - she’s got a box of sheets. Now what home do you suppose they came from.
Oh, some funeral home.
Desmond: And here’s a feather boa. aren’t they supposed to make a woman look sexy?
Only if she’s nude. Will you look at this monstrosity? Now who’d ever buy a picture of a dead duck with a rotten apple?
Desmond: Oh a butcher shop - to hand in the window
There’s only one other place I’d hang it and you know where.
Desmond: What in God’s name is this!
It’s a muff stupid.
D: What’s it used for?
To keep biscuits hot, dear.
D: I don’t think there’s anything here we want. You look if you want to. I’ll read my paper.
Do you suppose she has any wigs? I can always use wigs.
D: No - but I’m sure she has a few scalps here.
(teddy bear) Now - here’s something we might use if we do the Curious Savage.
D: The what?
Oh, you know - that Patrick play that was such a flop on Broadway, with Angela Lansbury. She had a teddy bear filled with all her money.
D: I didn’t see it.
You had to be quick. But Angela Lansbury was so lovely. Wore a blue wig and…
D: Wait! Did you see this!!
See what?
D: OMG - I can’t believe it!
What is it! Don’t tell me the theater burned down!
D: Listen. “Valuable Dutch Masterpiece Missing from Hockerheimer Museum”
So what. You frightened me.
D: Wait. the famous painting Mallard and Apple, by the Dutch renaissance artist Van Von Vanderdam, valued at one million dollars, was discovered missing today by the board of trustees.
You think that picture -
D: Get it! See if it’s signed!
Van Von Vanderdam!
D: It’s the same picture!
And she has that Vanderdam here!
D: Damn
But how’d she get it? Do you think she stole it?
D: Not a chance. Listen: This valuable painting had been removed several weeks ago for cleaning and placed in a store room at the rear of the museum. It is feared that new workmen engaged to enlarge this area threw this priceless masterpiece into their rubbish under the impression that it was a piece of discarded canvas.
And that goony bird found it!
D: But listen to this! “The insurance company is offering a reward of fifty thousand dollars to anyone who finds this valuable canvas and returns it to the museum,”
Fifty thousand! Do you think she knows?
D: no - but WE do. We’ll make a deal with her.
She said herself she doesn’t read the papers.
D: We’ll tell her about it and make her promise to share the reward
Are you crazy? We’ll buy it and keep the reward ourselves.
D: of course. if we pay her what she asks, it’ll be an honest deal.
What’ll we offer her? Two dollars?
D: Make it five. She might get suspicious. Fifty thousand dollars! We can have our mortgage lifted
And I can have my face lifted!
D: And we could collect our unemployment insurance in a Rolls-Royce
We’ve got to be very tricky how we trick her dear.
D: We’re actors aren’t we?
We’ll have to pretend we are interested in some of her other things first and then decide to buy the painting as a kind of gag.
D: She might even give it to us if we buy enough things first
Give her some tickets to see our show and then she might just give us the painting out of gratitude.
D: In case we have to pay cash, how much have you got with you?
Five dollars and two airmail stamps.
D: I’ve got thirty dollars and a subway token
That’s a fortune to her.
D: Do you think she’d take our check if we had to go higher?
Why not - we look honest, don’t we?
O: Well, I finally remembered where I forgot I’d put it. Sorry I took so long but I had to empty a couple of rat traps first.
Oh, we haven’t minded waiting at all. You have so many lovely things, we’re tempted to buy them all.
O: Well, if I do say so myself, I got taste. When you ain’t got looks, taste is the next best thing to cash
And what you’ve done to this room! It could start a trend. Crude is so chic nowadays. And basic is so honest.
D: For ten million? And the trunk? You can spend that - it’s real
Like us.
D: You can’t take it with you.
Opal, dear - may I call you dear? I feel as if we’re old friends already.
O: Well, I try to feel that way about everybody. It’s a good start and saves time.
Well, Opal dear, there are so many things I want to buy from you, but I don’t want to rob you of all your treasures.
O: Well, I’d be selfish, hoardin’ all my goodies jes for myself alone.
For instance - this fabulous necklace - so - so of today. What are the stones dear?
Gall stones. Used to belong to a doctor’s wife
Gall stones!
O: Yep. each one of them stones come from somebody famous. Senators - movie stars - a Navajo chief - and at least two Democrats
No republicans?
O: No - I guess they keep their stones. Anyhow there ain’t another necklace like it in this world.
I can well believe that. Could you bear to part with it?
O: Well, I wuz askin three bucks for it but seen as you like it so much - you kin have it fer two
Here dear - I’ve just bought a fabulous conversation piece.
D: What about this feather boa dear? Couldn’t you use that for some special occasion?
How could I live without it. It’s so - so in.
O: Try it on dearie…….hat……ain’t that a picture?
Where is everybody?
O: Only one thing’s missing, I know! Put your hands in this and yore Mrs. Rockafeller in person
SCREAMS
D: What is it??
There’s a mouse in it!
D: Make it five. We wouldn’t want to rob you. See anything else, dear?
Let me look. There’s so much. Oh, look dear, isn’t this quaint. Did you paint this yourself?
O: that’s right. there was a lot of rubbish. plaster and stuff
It’s rather interesting, isn’t it - for a primitive painter.
D: Yes - but we’ve no use for it, my dear.
Wait! Do you know what just occurred to me?
D: Lunch?
Well, you know, stupid! Do you know Ibsen’s Wild Duck?
D: Oh, yes, of course, The Wild Duck. Ibsen.
It’s our final production. I’m to play the lead.
O: Yore gonna play a dead duck?
And think how perfect this picture would be on the wall of our set. So symbolic.
D: Very
We’ll take this one too, Opal. And we’ll see that you have seats on opening night.
O: Well you see, I’m saving it for a birthday present.
Oh, well, you could substitute something else, couldn’t you?
D: It doesn’t make any difference. We happen to be perfectionists. It will help establish the mood of the play.
Don’t be so frugal dear. I’ll tell you what we’ll do because we like you so. We’ll give you fifteen.
O: Why I couldn’t sleep nights knowin’ I sold my conscience for fifteen dollars
We’ll make it twenty to help your conscience feel better.
O: But you could go to any butcher shop and get a real dead duck for a buck and a half.
A real dead duck hanging on the wall of our set would be distracting, Opal dear. Twenty-five
O: No, but I’ll tell you what I will do. I happen to have a stuffed penguin upstairs you can have for fifty cents.
We don’t want a penguin.
O: A hoot owl perhaps
We want the picture. Nothing else will do.
O: No - that’s jes what I don’t want. I wanna surprise this fren.
Besides. Time is running out.
D: Judas only got thirty pieces - we’re offering you forty-five
Fifty
D: You’re refusing a hundred dollars for a picture not worth two. Does that answer your question who’s crazy
We’re offering you that much because it’s worth it to the success of our play.
O: No you ain’t. An’ you ain’t being truthful with me neither.
What do you mean
O: Yes, sir. Charity…Yore good people. An I think you
Opal, I swear, I do not feel sorry for you.
D: We’ll take it. Opal accept the hundred dollars and buy your friend some live little baby ducks in stead.
YES! Think how happy a hundred ittsy bitty baby ducks would make her. Maybe two hundred - little yellow ducklings.
D: Five hundred!
Oh-h-h-h Oh - this is getting too much for my heart. Oh -
D: Queenie - what is it? Are you going to faint?
[collapse onto chair and fall on floor]
D: Darling, are you hurt?
Of course I’m hurt, you fool!
O: Hold her mouth open. I’ll give her some of this here medicine.
Help me up - you idiot. Never mind that poison.
O: Sorry bout that, dearie. How’s about yore leg?
I may never walk again.
O: Well, now, I jes happen to have a slightly used pair of crutches. You can have one fer a quarter or get a bargin at a dollar a pair.
Desmond. take me out of here before I start screaming.
D: Sweetheart - we can’t leave. We haven’t got that -
I know what I’m doing. There is more than way to skin a cat.
D: Are you sure - ?
Trust me - I’ll explain later. There’s still tomorrow.
D: I hope you know what you’re doing.
I do. It’s going to be alright.
