A Funny Thing Act 2 Flashcards by Rory Neer

Miles: Waiting here in your house

No!

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Miles: No?!

I meant “yes”, it just came out “no”

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P: This is what you must do. Hide the girl, up on the roof

Why?

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P: Ready?

Ready!

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S: Hysterium!

Yes, sir!

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S: Tell the maid I am almost ready

Sir, I must say this to you. Abandon this mad adventure! Think of your wife on the way to the country!

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S: That, Hysterium, is the country’s problem

Yes, sir

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S: Hysterium, you know that potion you prepare that so fills one with passion, one can almost perform miracles

Yes, sir. We have some left over from your last anniversary.

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S: Bring it to me now, slave in chief

Slave in chief! I wonder how many slaves in chief have a master in the tub, a house full of courtesans, and a maiden on the roof!

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D: Hysterium!

Coming master….mistress! You’re home!

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D: And parched with thirst, ever-thoughtful Hysterium

No! It’s a potion!

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D: What sort of potion?

To make you thirsty. And you’re already thirsty, so you don’t need it

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D: Thirst is the lesser of my problems. Hysterium, on the best of intuition, I believe my husband is fouling the nest

No! Never!

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D: That is not my husbands voice. Tell me, who is in my house

I think it’s a captain

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D: A captain?

Yes…he thinks that…your house….is the…I hope you do not object to my offering him your hospitality

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D: Object? When I, myself, am the daughter of a Roman general? Hysterium, I must meet him

You wouldn’t like him. He’s very vulgar.

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M: Bring more food and drink, eunuch!

You see?

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P: She’s back!

Yes!

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P: What has happened?

What hasn’t happened!

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P: Alright, what hasn’t happened? She hasn’t found out, has she?

No!

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P: Good!

But she will, and she’ll kill me!

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P: No, she won’t!

No, she won’t. I’ll kill myself! I can do it painlessly. If she does it, it will hurt. I must do it. I have besmirched the honor of my family. My father will turn in his grave!

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P: Your father is alive!

This will kill him!

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P: Are you finished? Now listen to this. I have really shocking news.

What?

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P: You know Gusto the body snatcher?...He died this morning

No! I saw him only yesterday. When is he to be buried?

P: They don't know, someone snatched his body

Isn't that a sha....why are we crying over a dead body snatcher?!

P: Because he could have helped us. He could have lent us a body.

A body?

P: A body. A body. Hysterium, would you like everything to be the way it was when you woke up this morning?

In a minute!

P: That's all it will take. Come!

In here?

P: In here!

Where did you get the money?

P: Come out here! Come on out!

You didn't tell me I'd have to be a girl!

P: A dead girl! The captain will see you, go on his way, and all will be well!

No! It won't do!

P: Please, Hysterium. We must convince the captain.

That I am a beautiful dead girl?

P: Yes

He'll never believe it

P: He will. You're delicious

What if he tries to kiss me?

P: He won't kiss you. Hysterium, please, just lie on the bench

He'll never believe I'm a girl. Look at me. Just look at me.

P: WHO'D BELIEVE THE LOVELINESS OF YOU?

No!

P: Come back! (I'm Lovely reprise)

Shouldn't I have jewelry?

P: Jewelry?

Flowers?

P: What?

I should have flowers.

P: Fold the arms!

Any coins he puts in my eyes, I keep!

L: Find the girls! Bring them back!

I've got to get out of these clothes! I'm calm, I'm calm

S: Do you understand? Go then

Pseudolus!

P: I ought to give you worse than that! What did you do with the contract?

I gave it to a soldier. He wants to meet me later tonight!

M: You made that more than clear when last we met!

The cause of it all!

D: You again?

I have to get out of these clothes!

S: no, no, my dear. Wrong house.

Leave me alone!

H: Philia! Philia!

Second time around!

E: Let me help you.

Thank you. I'm quite all right.

E: Wait!

What is it?

E: My dear one! My sweet one! My little one!

Why do older men find me so attractive?

E: My daughter!

What?

E: you wear the ring with the gaggle of geese!

I am not your daughter!

M: My maiden!

I am not a maiden!

E: Those filthy pirates!

I am not your daughter. I uhhhh I am an Etruscan dancer

E: She is my daughter!

Please! No fighting! That hurts! Please!

M: You are not the virgin!

Of course not! I am this old man's baby daughter.

M: And now, death by evisceration!

Oh, Pseudolous!

P: So have I. Hysterium, the potion. You know the one I mean.

The potion?

P: Thank you, dear friend. Give the hemlock to Socrates

Which one of you is Socrates?

P: Give me that!

You?

M: My sister?

Pseudolus, did you hear that?