A Funny Thing Flashcards
Domina: Yes, Hysterium
And I answered, ever your humble
Domina: Pseudolus! Hysterium!
Ah, Madam, you called?
D: Have you prepared my potions?
Yes, madam, in addition to your usual potions, I have included one for tantrums and one for queasiness
D: thank you, Hysterium, slave of slaves
I live to grovel
D: Hysterium!
Yes, madam!
D: where is Pseudolus?
Where is he indeed! I have not seen him since he dressed Hero this morning
D: Ah there I am, do you think it will please my mother?
Oh, yes, madam. The craftsmanship is superb.
D: and the resemblance?
Frightening
Senex: a lesson for you all. Never fall in love during a total eclipse!
Well, to work, to work! Now that I am completely in charge, I am going to be a very busy slave.
Hero! Come away from there, you must never know what goes on in that house!
Hero: but I do
You do?…Isn’t it amazing? Well I can’t stand here talking.
Pseudolus!
Philia: and I love you
Pseudolus! Where is that…?
(Sees Hero and Philia)
Oh no! No no no no!
Hero: Hysterium, this is Philia
Never mind who she is, who is she? Where is she from?
H: she is from the house of Lycud
A courtesan!
Phil: I am a maiden
Of course…Hero, this will never do. Never, never. Bid farewell to this young lady so that she can go about her…uh…business
H: but Pseudolus said
Pseudolus! I should have known
P: Hero! Master!
Pseudolus!
(P reacts)
Pseudolus!
P: Yes, Hysterium
Pseudolus!
P: pronounced perfectly. You know a lot of people say pah-seudolus and I hate it. Show the girl our garden.
How dare you! Arranging an assignation between an innocent boy and a you know what
P: There’s something I must tell you
What?
P: That girl about whom you think is the worst is my daughter
Your what?
P:my daughter, you’ve heard me speak of her
Never!
P: well I don’t like to talk about her
That girl is not your daughter
P: my sister?
I shall go tell his parents
P: wait! Hysterium, the truth! She has been sold to a captain who comes any moment now to claim her
Oh? Then I go tell his parents!
P: I go with you
You don’t want to be there when I tell them about you
P: no I want you there when I tell them about you
Tell them what about me? I have nothing to fear. I am a pillar of virtue. I go.
P: I think it might be of interest to the family that their slave in chief, their pillar of virtue, has secreted within the confines of his cubicles Rome’s most extensive and diversified collection of…
PSEUDOLUS!
Hero!
P: Tell me, where did you ever get that..
Pseudolus! Hero!
Hero, as you know, your mother and father placed me in charge of your innocence. However I have decided to allow you to remain with the girl until the arrival of her captain
H: oh Philia!
Here stop doing that! You could hurt each other, ohhh!
P: She will go with you
Hero, I am off to market. While you are alone with the girl remember who you are.
Oh I have yet to being my daily chores
P: before you go, just one more favor
What is it?
P: may I borrow your book of potions?
Oh no no no! That stays right here, where it belongs.
You there, bird seller! What do you have in the way of a plump peahen?
S: I know how busy both of you are. Therefore, it is for me to instruct her in the niceties of housework. We shall start in my room
Sir!
P: at least! (Senex exits into Erronius’s house)
Why did I ever let her in the house? I should never have listened to you
P: everything is going to be fine, pussycat
Oh you! You just see that she gets out of the house!
P: and you just see that he stays in that house. Keep calm!
Calm? Calm? Mustn’t be excited. Calm. Calm.
Erronius: at least I have the comfort of my lonely house
Sir!
E: and who are you?
Hysterium, sir, servant to Senex
E: yes of course, I should have known you anywhere…what was that?
I didn’t hear anything…I didn’t hear that either
E: you did not hear that eerie sound
Eerie?
E: Eerie, as if haunted
Eerie as if haunted?
Sir what I am about to tell you is eerie…you me house is…is haunted
E: impossible! My house haunted you say? Strange
But true. Perhaps you ought to stay with relatives…distant relatives
E: yes, no! Fetch me a soothsayers
A soothsayer?
E; yes I must have him search my house immediately
P chants
How did you know?
E: seven times?
Slowly!
E: to the hills!
This is the way, sir!
S: Hysterium!
Sir!
S: Prepare my bath!
Yes sir!
S: well he to his bath and I to mine
Just the way you like it, sir
S: one more thing
Yes, sir?
I shall need a complete change of garb. Let me see…my tunic with the tassels!
Sir, it needs taking in.
P: It says words and I intend to stand behind those words, or my name is not Marcus Lycus!
Pseudolus!
P: Or my name is not Pseudolus Marcus Lycus! A moment. I must have a word with my eunuch. Come here Eunuch!
How dare you call me that?
P: you know it’s not true and I know it’s not tried, so what do we care what they think
Those soldiers, have they come for the girl? I’ll go right in and get her
P: they have not come for the girl. They have come for me.
What?
P: Hysterium, I have never told you this but years ago I deserted from the army
No!
P: Sh! I was very young. I wanted to be an archer. Instead, they made me a slinger. Then one day at the height of battle, I lost my heard. I arched when I should have flung. I had to flee!
And now they have found you. Oh, Pseudolus!
P: Sh! They are looking for Pseudolus. I told them I am Lycus.
And Lycus you are!
P: I must. Hysterium, more bad news!
I hope it’s good
P: it’s terrible! The girl refuses to that is why I prepared your sleeping potion. Give her a drop or two in a beaker of wine, and upon hearing me say “Present the bride” carry her out in your arms!
Trust me Pseu….trust me Lycus! I go, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus!
P: present the bride! A short delay, sir! What happened?
I’ll tell you what happened! Nothing! She won’t drink!
P: what?
She says on Crete her religion forbids it
Lycus: everybody knows who you are, Lycus
Of course. He is Marcus Lycus.
Miles: I shall tell you what! With a axe and pike, my soldiers shall raze this house to the ground!
Our beautiful house!
