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DG GG > TWO > Flashcards

TWO Flashcards

1
Q

S: Oh, Dorothy. The horror…the horror…

A

Ma! Is everything alright?

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2
Q

S: Yes, Dorothy. When a person enters a room and says “the horror, the horror,” everything is alright.

A

Oh, Ma, every day you walk in this kitchen and cry “the horror, the horror” over the tiniest little things.

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3
Q

S: I do not.

A

Yesterday, you said “the horror, the horror” because Suzie Hopkins didn’t have change for your quarter at her lemonade stand.

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4
Q

S: Hey, I know a scam when I see one.

A

She’s eight years old!

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5
Q

S: What’s your point? I had my first money-laundering front when I was six.

A

Well what’s the atrocous news this time? did Rose get a sneeze stuck in her nose again? I’ll get the whisk.

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6
Q

S: I’m not going to tell you. You won’t take it seriously.

A

Try me.

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7
Q

S: Your Aunt Ethel had a terrible, terrible fall. She whacked her head on the ground, and it splattered apart, like a tomato does.

A

WHAT?! Oh my god!

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8
Q

S: It’s such a mess, Dorothy. Such a mess.

A

Oh Ma! And I just joked about the whisk! Oh I feel terrible, just awful.

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9
Q

S: As you should.

A

I should send some flowers - wait a second. How come I’ve never met Aunt Ethel before?

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10
Q

S: Met her? Aren’t you listening, Dorothy? She’s a tomato.

A

Oh, of course, I’m sorry for being ridiculous.

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11
Q

S: I forgive you.

A

A tomato. A TOMATO?! You have me crying over a tomato?!

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12
Q

S: It’s not just any tomato. It’s a cursed tomato.

A

All you need is some cursed lettuce and some cursed bacon, and you’ve got yourself a delicious lunch.

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13
Q

S: Look at me, pussy cat. I’ve never been so serious in my life. Let me explain…

A

Quickly. Or else you and Aunt Ethel will have a one-way trip back to Shady Pines.

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14
Q

S: Don’t joke about that.

A

Speak.

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15
Q

S: Picture it. Sicily. 1909.

A

Ma, you’re not gonna tell a story, are you?

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16
Q

S: No, I’m gonna do shadow puppets. Of course I’m gonna tell a story. Where was I? Picture it. Sicily. 1909. On my father’s death bed, he pulls me close and tells me that he’s got something very valuable to give me a tomato.

A

I don’t believe it.

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17
Q

S: Neither could I! When he said family heirloom I thought he meant the silver butter dish. But instead it was a -

A

Please. Don’t.

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18
Q

S: Heirloom tomato.

A

Strike me down, I’m begging you.

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19
Q

S: … Sicilian curse on a tomato.

A

You must be joking.

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20
Q

S: …This is a very bad sign, Dorothy. it’s an omen.

A

That is by far the daftest, the dumbest, the most idiotic thing that has ever been said by a person.

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21
Q

R: Hyurkan-fluerkan-shemmel-plop!

A

I stand corrected.

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22
Q

R: The horror, the horror

A

Not you too

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23
Q

R: Hyurkan-fluerkan-shemmel-plop!

A

I’m sorry, I don’t speak idiot. Maybe try English?

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24
Q

R: Herring in a bottle!

A

Somehow I’m more confused in English

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25
Q

R: It’s a herring in a bottle.

A

That doesn’t help.

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26
Q

R: You see, Dorothy, a herring is a fish. And a bottle -

A

Rose!!

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27
Q

S: How long is this stupid story? I’m in my eighties, I have to plan.

A

Stupid story?! Ma, you just told one about a magic tomato.

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28
Q

S: CURSED tomato and even so, hers will be stupider.

A

No way.

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29
Q

S: You want to bet on it?

A

Ten dollars.

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30
Q

R: …and he opened the world’s first herring circus.

A

Let me guess, he had the herring ride an elephant?

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31
Q

R: Only once. Neither of them were too happy with the arrangement.

A

Of course.

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32
Q

R: Hans preferred specialty acts. Like Nurgen the flying-fish acrobat, and Fleurgen the clown fish.

A

Fleurgen, the Clown Fish?

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33
Q

R: I am not. Fleurgen was brought in to replace Klergen the knife thrower.

A

Because…

34
Q

R: Because there was a terrible acident. He filleted himself! And you know what they say…

A

No, but I’m sure you’ll tell us.

35
Q

R: Don’t you get what this fish in the bottle means? They had to pull the plug on the circus?

A

They’re closing the doors?

36
Q

R: No, they literally pulled the plug out, and the whole circus washed out to sea! To think of all that talent set adrift…

A

What a heartbreaking story.

37
Q

R: And it only gets worse! Because someone must be fishnapping the freed performers and sending them out as hyurkan-fleurkan-shemmel-plop, which everyone knows is a bad omen.

A

Rose, you could really make a fortune renting out that vacant lot between your ears.

38
Q

S: Don’t try to change the subject, Dorothy. That’s two bad omens today, something bad is going to happen.

A

Nothing bad is going to happen. Besides, shouldn’t you be getting ready for the hospital banquet tonight, Rose?

39
Q

B: Franny Feingold-Zimmerman is dead!

A

No!

40
Q

B: Yes!

A

No!

41
Q

BSR: Yes!!

A

Well, Rose, Ma, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe you were right about your omens.

42
Q

R: Mine too!

A

A woman’s dead.

43
Q

R: And now I’m finally going to win the award.

A

Did she at least go peacefully?

44
Q

B: Well, she died in her sleep.

A

Well that’s good at least.

45
Q

R: Eh, she had it coming.

A

Rose! I’m surprised at you! I never thought you’d be the type of appalling person to celebrate a person’s death. And, Ma!! … this seems right on character.

46
Q

R: Sure thing, Ma

A

Good night, Rose. Go to sleep, honey. Pray for brains!

47
Q

B: Did you say something about omens?

A

Just some nonsense about a squashed tomato and a pickled herring. Sounds more like a sandwich than an omen of bad things to come.

48
Q

B: An omen of bad things to come? You don’t want to take those things lightly.

A

Oh, not you too, Blanche.

49
Q

B: Today on the radio I heard a story about a man that was eaten by his pet pig. Do you know what that means?

A

Bacon vengeance?

50
Q

B: Death always comes in threes. First, Franny Feingold-Zimmerman, then, man pig guy, and next it could be me.

A

Was man-pig-guy his Christian name?

51
Q

B: This is no joking matter. It would be such a shame for me to die now. I’m far too young, and I’m wearing the wrong underwear.

A

Frankly, I’m surprised you’re wearing any underwear at all.

52
Q

B: Don’t be so nonchalant, Dorothy. Death always comes in threes and you better pray to god you aren’t number three.

A

Blanche, superstitions are super stupid. Like, step on a crack and break your mother’s back. It doesn’t work. I’ve tried. Death doesn’t come in threes, bad omens are nonsense; and there is no god.

53
Q

B: She doesn’t mean that. She doesn’t know what she’s saying. And while we’re at it, I’ve never had extramarital intercourse, by the way, just like you said. Jesus, now you have me lying to god.

A

For the last time, there is no god. Now if you don’t mind I’m just going to make my toast and -

54
Q

(Electrocuted - lights up on the couch)

A

You know I might be starting to come around on the idea of bad omens.

55
Q

B: I know what you mean. I’m as a jumpy as a virgin at a prison rodeo.

A

I saw a black cat outside of the market.

56
Q

B: That could just be a black cat.

A

A piano being lifted to a penthouse fell from the sky and landed a centimeter from my face. I would have been flatter than Aunt Ethel if I hadn’t stopped to tie my shoe.

57
Q

B: Oh my!

A

And get this! I was fixing my hair in the mirror and it shattered right in front of me.

58
Q

B: That’s seven years bad luck!

A

Not to mention a huge blow to my ego.

59
Q

B: Well, it’s settled Dorothy. You’re cursed. It’s only a matter of time before you become the third death in the set of three.

A

Oh, Blanche! You’ve got to help me! I’m at the end of my rope!

60
Q

B: Oh, I don’t know Dorothy…I’ve always found it best to stay away from people who are cursed with bad luck.

A

Please, Blanche. Can’t you tell how desperate I am? I mean, I’m asking for your help, for goodness sake.

61
Q

B: Oh, alright. I’ll help you remove the curse. In fact, I know exactly what you can do.

A

What’s that?

62
Q

B: Control your own narrative! Take your own life before fate takes it from you.
Alright, in that case there is only one other option. Perform a holistic sage ritual to rid the house of any negative omens.

A

On second thought, maybe I should go with your first thought.

63
Q

S: Bye, Rose.

A

I haven’t seen Rose that upset since she was banned from the McDonald’s playpen.

64
Q

S: She was right about that, but it turns out, it was my bag.

A

You won the award?

65
Q

S: I did.

A

Wow, that’s incredible. I never thought I’d see the day where you won an award you didn’t steal.

66
Q

B: But now I understand why Rose is upset. I mean it’s one thing to lose Volunteer of the Year, but to lose it to someone as selfish as you, must really be hard on the poor girl.

A

What are you going to do about Rose?

67
Q

R: On second thought, you wouldn’t offer it, if you didn’t want me to have it, so thanks, Ma!

A

Well that didn’t go as planned.

68
Q

S: Go hug a landmine.

A

Ladies, ladies, please for the love of god stop with the insults…until I can grab a pen and write this gold down!

69
Q

B: I never thought I’d see a geriatric-ex-con and a woman with the mind of a five-year-old- nearly come to fisticuffs over a 5-inch plastic trophy.

A

Only in Florida.

70
Q

B: Dorothy! Wonderful news! - what are you doing?

A

Trying to sage out the bad juju from my life. What’s your wonderful news?

71
Q

B: You know who Randy Furman is?

A

He’s our mailman. Why?

72
Q

B: He was our mailman! But thanks to an unfortunately made mail bomb, now he’s just four loose fingers.

A

Oh Blanche that’s terrible!

73
Q

B: Don’t you see what this means. The set of three has been completed. You’re off the hook.

A

Oh Blanche that’s wonderful!

74
Q

B: No more bad omens or bad luck or bad juhu for you. I knew you’d be happy.

A

And not a moment too soon. I think I’m allergic to sage.

75
Q

Phone rings

A

Hello? Yes. I understand. Ma! Rose! Get out here.

76
Q

S: What’s that I see in the reflection of my beautifyl trophy? Rose’s dumb jealous face.

A

I just got a call from the hospital charity board. Apparently, there was a mix-up with the trophy.

77
Q

R: What do you mean?

A

Apparently, they just found out that my dear, sweet mother switched the announcement card with one that had her name on it.

78
Q

R: I knew it! I knew it! I knew she never deserved to win volunteer of the year.

A

You were right. The real winner was…Rose -

79
Q

R: AHA! Wooohooooooo! I won I won I won I won! This is the happiest day of my life.

A

What I meant to say is: Rose, can you please stop breathing down my neck. The real winner is Franny Feingold-Zimmerman. They’re awarding it posthumously this year.

80
Q

B: So neither of them won after all?

A

I guess not

81
Q

R: I’m not sure. If there is one thing I can usually pride myself on, it is not being dumb.

A

Ha, that’s a good one, Rose.

DG GG (2 decks)

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