TB&T - Grandmama Flashcards
LILY: (Brushing snow off GRANDMAMA’S shoulders.) Grandmama, what have you been doing?
You ninny-witted nincompoop, what does it look like I’ve been doing? I ain’t out chasing butterflies.
MOTHER: Where did you get the firewood?
(Holding up apart of the fence.) I think it was once a fence. I ain’t sure, but I have a strange feeling it was once belonged to Mr. J. Tamarack Gargle.
LILY: Oh wow, all is lost. Dear, sweet, lovable Grandmama, you have chopped down the fence of Mr. Gargle, our landlord. Oh wow is me, what will become of us now. That vile, wicked villian will most assuredly prosecute us now. (To GRANDMAMA) Oh, sweet Grandmama, do you know what you have done?
You bet your sweet bippy I know. I’m tired of freezing in this band box.
LILY: Hush, Mr. Gargle may come along and overhear.
Let the old pinch-penny overhear. if he were here I’d tell him a thing or two. Who does he think he is anyhow?
(Loud Knock on Door Scene 1 after “brave Balderdash Trustworthy)
Here comes that snake now; I’m leaving. (exit SR)
(after MOTHER) GARGLE: But you must pay the rent.
(quickly from SR) But we can’t pay the rent.
GARGLE: Balderdash Trustworhty? That clod? How can you prefer him to me?
Well, he ain’t much, but he beats you all hollow.
MOTHER: Oh, lack a day, what can we do?
Shoot ‘im
LILY: Mother, I must go to the city to find Balderdash. Oh, why hasn’t he come home yet?
Instead of looking for Balderdash, you would be better off looking for our old and rich friend Colonel Beauregard. If you found him, he would gladly pay the rent, and help us rid ourselves of that snake, J. Tamarack Gargle.
LILY: But Balderdash went to the city to find Colonel Beauregard. If brave, strong Balderdash could not find him, how could I?
Bah, Balderdash couldn’t find his way out of a roomful of doors.
LILY: I shall have no trouble recognizing him.
And when you see the old coot, tell him that I am still single and willin’ (hips).
LILY: I will be careful, and now I must be off to the big, big city.
Take my arm, Lily, and I’ll see you to the door. (LILY takes mannequin arm and walks out).
GARGLE: Well now, the little happy family, eh?
(Entering from SR) Not with you around, you snake.
GARGLE: Allow me, madam.
(In an extremely loud yell.) Keep your filthy meat hooks off my chair.
MOTHER: Now Grandmama, that is no way to talk to your future grandson in-law.
He’ll never be a relative of mine, the snake! (sits)
MOTHER: Come, Lily, my flower, I shall get you ready (Lily and mother begin to exit SR) Are you coming, Grandmama?
(Crossing to SR) It seems like we are gettig’ ready for a funeral instead of a weddin’. (Exit)
MOTHER: It was probably dear sweet Grandmama chopping down a tree out in the back. Lily, I didn’t think that I would ever see the day when you got married.
(Enters SR hurriedly carrying a tablecloth.) You ain’t seen it yet, cause this day ain’t over yet. (Puts cloth on table).
MOTHER: Perhaps, Mr. GARGLE will not make a bad husband. Perhaps underneath he has a kind heart, like a kitten or…or…
(Interrupts) ….Or Snake! (hiss)
MOTHER: Now, Grandmama, you should not speak so. We must think kindly of everyone.
HUMP!!
MOTHER: Now, Grandmama, are you not ashamed for upsetting Lily? Perhaps, it will not be so bad. Mr. Gargle is rich
Rich! He ought to be rich. He is so tight, he can squeeze the buffalo off a nickel.
GARGLE (off stage): Hallooo my sweet. I have returned.
Halloo yourself, ya big ape.
GARGLE: (as he takes LILY’s hand) Come, come, forget about the lemon pie. How shall we stand, Reverend?
Up, you ninny.
GARGLE: Let’s see him get out of this one. Taste this cold steel
(Garbs violent and hit Gargle - he will revive and die a few times) That should take care of that snake in the grass.
(Balderdash and LILY emerge back on stage. Lily has her hand over her mouth in shyness and also to hide her mustache)
Well, did he kiss you?
