ScreamFree Flashcards
Stephen Covey – – the seven habits of highly effective people
Begin with the end in mind – – visualize what people would say at your funeral.
What would we love people to say about us?
What are the deepest priorities? Organize your present life around those principles and live up to those standards.
Imagine the same with your children and family – – visualize the type of adult you want each of your children to become, and the type of relationship you would like to enjoy with them. This, in turn helps to visualize the time you would like for yourself.
Visualize your youngest child at the age of 25 – what year is it? How old does that make you? Are your children married? How do you rate their marriages? Do they have children? How would you rate your children as parents? Do they have college degrees? What did they study? Do they work for a large corporation or an entrepreneurial vision? What is the content of their character? What do their friends say about them? How self-sufficient are they? How well do they take responsibility for the choices? Are they physically healthy and active? Do they contribute to society? How do they carry themselves around others? How do they spend their time alone? What are their spiritual beliefs and worldview?
In 25 years, are you married? How would you rate your marriage? How healthy are you physically? Where do you live? Are you still working? Have you grown and matured?
In 25 years – – how often do you see your grandchildren? What type of relationship do you have with them? Are you close, distant? How much respect do you and your children have for each other as individuals? Do you still support them financially? How would you rate yourself as a grandparent? Are your grown children inspired by you, your success and your maturity? How do they talk about you to their spouses, their friends, their children?
This is not “wishful thinking” – – rather, it is “thoughtful wishing – – CS Lewis
The more we engage and be thoughtful, the more we find ourselves drawn to actions today that lead to the results we want tomorrow.
A truly respectful parent-child relationship must always begin with the parent. You must respect their rights and their space. You cannot tell anyone how to feel. You can do a number of things to help, but ultimately a decision to change is up to your child – you can’t force things. They have to be self motivated.
By trying to do something you aren’t meant to do, you invade their space and violate people’s rights. Since this effort is lead by your anxiety, you inevitably end up creating the very type of rebellious heart you were hoping to change in the first place.
The beautiful irony is that learning to respect their feelings and their right to feel them actually increases the chances that they will feel the way you hope they do.
The power of keeping your cool demands you confront your own anxiety.
You have to be in control of yourself to be the boss.
Dont project your own anxiety into a situation. For example “if my kids are not happy then it must be because of something I have done, or failed to do.”
Learn to operate out of respect for your highest principles, not in reaction to your deepest fears.
If you search your childs room they will become better hiders. It doesnt teach your chikd that Dad is actually the best person to go to whenever the temptations of life kick in.
The power of creating room for your kids is that you become amazed by what they do with it.
As you reduce your anxiety about their choices, their choices begin to astound you.
Calm your anxiety by giving up your need to know how they feel. The less you need to know the more they end up telling you.
Let go of your need to make sure they feel the “right” way.
Let your children struggle.
Allow your kids to disagree with you and learn to respect their arguments.
This is what I think. What do you think?
By not always being eye to eye, you can gain adequate space to remain calm yet connected w your child.
Whenever we label our children we severely limit their space.
I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief
–Gerry Spence
By labeling, we stamp out the wonder inherent in the childhood journey. What we do with any repeated label, no matter how positive, is eliminate our children’s freedom to be evolving, developing human beings. You must fight for each child’s right to evolve. Dont stunt their growth. Give them the gift of discovery.
No one is ever always ‘anything’. Never always lazy or always smart or always defiant. No good can come out of accusing our children. Just because your child struggled last year doesnt mean he will struggle every year.
Your kids are always searching for new chances to start new patterns. But it becomes difficult to change the dance without changing dance partners. They cannot choose different parents so it is up to you to change.
You must have a continuous, persistent desire to expect them to change, to act out of their best character. That doesnt mean being lax in the face of continued behavioural patterns that cause problems but you cannot let these patterns determine your beliefs about your child and his or her future.
Despite limitations and mistakes in the past, we must continually fight for our children’s best character to evolve, fight for their right to always, always change at a moment’s notice.
To avoid labeling stop saying ‘you always… ‘
And start saying ‘you can be’
It changes the way you think about your child. It allows him or her and you to recognize the propensity to change and evolve.
