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Four Weddings and an Elvis > Scene 3 > Flashcards

Scene 3 Flashcards

1
Q

Just a moment.

A

Sorry.

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2
Q

I’m just getting to the good part

A

Well, that’s quite all right, ma’am. I’ll just wait here until you’re done.

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3
Q

Mmm, mmm,mmm!

Ever read a harlequin romance?

A

I don’t believe I have, ma’am. But I’ve got all the romance I need.

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4
Q

Is that right? What have you got there?

A

Oh. This was outside your door. I couldn’t help but notice that there are no directions from the sender authorizing that it could be left in an unprotected space. And unless you filed a written order to that effect, your mail carrier has committed a gross violation of the postal code.

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5
Q

Oh my.

A

Yes. It’s best not to let this kind of conduct go. I would recommend that you speak to your mail carrier about the matter. And if you’re not satisfied, talk to your local postmaster.

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6
Q

Well, aren’t you — official? Thank you. Was there anything else?

A

Well, yes. I’m Marvin marvel. I’m getting married today. I should be on your schedule for 5 o’clock.

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7
Q

Marvin marvel?

A

Yes.

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8
Q

Dear God. The kids must’ve had fun with you.

A

Yes ma’am.

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9
Q

Marvin Marvel. Marvin marvel. I’m not seeing you.

A

I’m sure it’s there. Look again please.

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10
Q

I see a reservation for a Martin marvel.

A

Well, that’s me, of course. I’m sure it was just a typographical error. Martin, Marvin. It happens all the time.

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11
Q

People call you Martin all the time?

A

No, typographical errors. They happen all the time. That’s one of the leading reasons mail doesn’t get properly delivered to its intended destination despite the best efforts of the US Postal Service. You should see some of the misspelled envelopes we get. Some of the best laughs I’ve ever had! Let me tell you. By golly.

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12
Q

Marvin, is there a bride somewhere?

A

Yes, ma’am. She’s just fixing her make up in the car.

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13
Q

Oh good.… Seems to me you’d be getting married in your church, surrounded by family and friends and a local postal squad.

A

My family and friends don’t approve of the wedding.

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14
Q

Don’t help me. I can do this.

A

And they don’t approve of Fiona.

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15
Q

Oh yeah, dickwad? Well, you come on inside and say that, you piece of peeping Tom shit! My fiancé will jack you up like you ain’t ever been jacked, you punk ass mother…f-errrrrr!

A

Touch arm on end of mother

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16
Q

OK, I was a little off

A

Is someone bothering you, Angel?

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17
Q

..: Hey, baby. We all set to get married?

A

Yeah, I think so. You like the place?

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18
Q

Oh Marvin. It’s like a dream. I never thought I’d be getting married in a place so classy. With a beautiful altar. And real flowers. And, oh, my God, real pews! I wish this could see this he wanted to marry me in the toilet stall. I’m so lucky I found you, Marvin.

A

We’re lucky we found each other.(He takes her hand. )

How come you took off the wedding dress, Angel? You look so nice in it. 

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19
Q

It just wasn’t me, baby. The lease was itching, me, and all that white was a nightmare, like I’ve been sentenced to church for 100 years or something, you know

A

Yeah.

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20
Q

I’m trying to change for you, baby. I really am. Hey, did you notice before I said mother Effer. I stopped myself from saying the whole word.

A

I sure did. And I’m proud of you.

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21
Q

… People with confused Adams sometimes turn into hermaphrodites. Do you know what that is? It’s like a half man, half woman thing.

A

Oh, Angel, I don’t think that could happen.

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22
Q

Well, just in case, I’m gonna take it slow, OK?

A

OK.

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23
Q

I mean, you still like me like this, right?

A

I love you like this.

(Join hands and give a big sigh )

24
Q

There you go. That’s it. So, how did you two kids meet? And don’t leave a thing out. Tell aunt Sandy everything.

A

Well, OK. But you’re going to marry us, right?

25
Q

Of course, of course. Let’s just get to know each other a little first. I don’t have another wedding scheduled for 45 minutes

A

All right. Well, we met online. Three years, two months, and 17 days ago.

26
Q

Ain’t it something How he counts the days?

A

I was lonely. My whole life, women were never interested in me. Or anything I was interested in. I didn’t know how to talk to them in person. So I started chatting online and one night I met Fiona.

27
Q

Zip it bitch from cell block too!

A

And I was marvelous Marvin.

28
Q

Not at first, remember, at first, he was just Marvin marvel. And I said to him, dude, you’re not supposed to use your real name.

A

And she suggested I be marvelous Marvin.

29
Q

Because he was. Is! So marvelous.

So, Marvin, what exactly was it that first attracted you to, uh, zip it bitch?

A

Now that’s a funny story, ma’am. I thought she might be someone with a similar affection for the postal code. I thought we might talk about the nine digit ZIP Code and the effects it’s had on mail delivery.

30
Q

Convict.

Excuse me?

I was a convict, not an inmate 

A

You see, ma’am, in prison vernacular, there’s a big difference. Inmate is a derogatory term. Only guards or new arrivals who don’t know the lingo yet say inmate. Everyone else says convict. It shows respect, see?

31
Q

You have learned so much. He could go into any prison anywhere in the country and speak the language beautifully

A

Well, you’re a good teacher.

32
Q

… I didn’t like myself very much before I met Marvin. But somehow he saw things in me to like that nobody else ever saw.

(Give her a hanky at some point during this.)

I can’t imagine what. I mean, how about that?

A

Yes, once you get past all the fighting, and the cursing and the criminal record and the powerful right cross(rub left cheek) , she’s a very sweet girl.

33
Q

… Bank job. Yeah, I know.… But I figured out pretty quick. There was something special about this guy. He knew so much stuff! And when it comes to postal regulations, forget about it.

A

(Cross left… )

Oh, stop, angel.

34
Q

No, seriously he knows everything there is to know. Like thousands of pages worth of stuff. You can ask him anything. Like — what size is a mail slot have to be

A

The clear rectangular opening in the outside slot plate must be at least one and a half inches wide and 7 inches long, and the bottom of the slot must be at least 30 inches above the finished floor line.( he shrugs)

35
Q

What’s the biggest thing you can mail?

A

Generally, speaking, no mail piece may weigh more than 70 pounds, and except for parcel post, no mail piece, may measure more than 108 inches in length and girth combined.

36
Q

Can you mail… An animal?

A

Some animals, yes. If they don’t require food or water or attention during handling in the mail, and if they don’t create sanitary, problems or obnoxious odors.

37
Q

Really? Like what

A

Certain types of foul and your basic small cold blooded animals.

38
Q

Like baby alligators

A

Yes, you remembered. And earth worms, salamanders, lizards, snails.

39
Q

Snakes?

A

No snakes.

40
Q

What about a turkey?

A

You can male turkeys, doves, ducks, geese, swans…

41
Q

What about the cat or a dog?

A

No, you can’t mail any warm, blooded animals, except for a few specified birds.

42
Q

How about bees?

A

Yes.

43
Q

Insect? 

A

Yep.

44
Q

Live scorpions?

A

Sure can. But you must secure them at a double mailing container. We don’t want them breaking free!

45
Q

See what I mean? You can’t stomp him! And I’ve been trying for three years.

A

And two months and 17 days! 

46
Q

… So that’s what I did. I did my shift in the kitchen, without complaining, kept to myself, and got paroled after 6 1/2 years for good behavior. Yesterday.

Yesterday? 

A

Yes, ma’am! I picked her up at the Tucson Federal correctional institute in the afternoon, and we drove straight to Las Vegas last night. And here we are.

47
Q

Oh my goodness. Is this the first time you two of actually met?

A

Oh no. I visited her jail many times over the years.

48
Q

This sweet man would drive all the way from Wilbur, Nebraska to see me for two hours, and then turn around and go all the way home.

To Tucson? That’s got to be 1000 miles. 

A

Its actually 1171 miles.

49
Q

That’s beautiful. You’re quite the romantic, aren’t you?

A

(Cross left. )

According to my mother, I’m quite the lunatic.

50
Q

Your brother, too.

A

Yes. I wish they were here to help us celebrate, but they don’t understand. I told them, you have to look past the exterior and see what’s inside. That’s why Fiona and I are so happy. We were able to do that. But they can’t. When I showed my mother a picture of Fiona, she called her a — I can’t say it.

51
Q

She called me a slut. And when I showed my mother, a picture of Marvin, she called him a fruit. 

A

(turn and say upstage )

She did?

52
Q

The biggest loser you ever want to meet. Drinks too much. Works too little. In fact, he’s supposed to be doing your ceremony, but he’s passed out in the back room.

A

What?

53
Q

…The muscles, the tats, the piercings. Fist could lift me over his head with one hand. He was an animal. They all were. Thank God I’m over that!

A

You know, angel… I could lift you over my head if you wanted. I just didn’t know you wanted that.

54
Q

What?

A

When I was delivering the mail, I held the record for completing the 10 mile riverfront route in just three hours and 34 minutes while carrying a 50 pound satchel, thank you very much. And I’d be more than willing to take on any of your hot ex-boyfriend’s, even Fist, if you wanted, and show them a thing or two.

55
Q

Huh?

A

I’ve got moves, Fiona. You’ve just never see me in action.

56
Q

Marvin, what is going on with you? Are you jealous of fist?

A

You know what I would do if you was here right now?

First thing, I get them in a headlock. Oh yeah, I know how to do that. I was on the wrestling team. OK, I never actually wrestled, I was the stopwatch guy, but I learned all the moves. So I can get them in a headlock and I spin them around and around and I take them down so fast he wouldn’t know what hit them. Then I squeeze him in the visor is my arm until he apologize for all the lousy things you did to you… Or until he cried for his mommy. That’s what I do.

57
Q

Mama.

A

Aaaaaaaaaaaah!

Four Weddings and an Elvis (3 decks)

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