Paradigms of Interdependence Flashcards
How can effective interdependence be built?
Only on a foundation of true independence.
What is the relationship between Private Victory and Public Victory? What mathematical analogy does Covey draw?
Private Victory precedes Public Victory; algebra comes before calculus.
What do relationships require?
The maturity and strength of character to maintain them.
What did the man at the seminar on the Oregon coast say to Covey? Why? Why, in turn, was this the case? What lesson did Covey convey regarding this?
“You know, Stephen, I really don’t enjoy coming to these seminars.”
All he could do is sit and worry about the grilling he was going to get from his wife that night on the phone.
He’d met his wife at such a seminar when he was married to someone else.
Covey says he was into the quick fix and you can’t talk his way out of problems you behave your way into.
What paradigm shift does Covey say we’re dealing with “here,” with relationships and paradigms of interdependence? What rhyming analogy does he draw?
A very dramatic and very fundamental one. You may try to lubricate your social interactions with personality techniques and skills, but in the process you may truncate the vital character base.
“You can’t have the fruits without the roots.”
What does Covey say about what some people say, that you have to like yourself before you can like others.
That the idea has merit, but if you don’t know yourself, if you don’t control yourself, if you don’t have mastery over yourself, it’s very hard to like yourself, except in some short-term, psych-up, superficial way.
Where does Covey say real self-respect comes from? Where does he say that is?
Dominion over self, from true independence. That’s the focus of Habits 1, 2, and 3.
What does Covey say about the relationship between independence and interdependence?
Independence is an achievement. Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make.
What does Covey say about human relations skills and relationships regarding independence and character?
It’s foolish to try to develop human relations skills unless we are willing to achieve real independence. You can try, and things might work when things are easy, but they won’t stick together when things get tough.
The most important ingredient we put into any relationship is not what we say or what we do, but what we are. If our words and actions come from superficial human relations techniques (the Personality Ethic) rather than from our own inner core (the Character Ethic), others will sense that duplicity. We simply won’t be able to create and sustain the foundation necessary for effective interdependence.
What techniques and skills really make a difference in human interaction? Where is the place to begin building any relationship?
The ones that almost naturally flow from a truly independent character. So the place to begin building any relationship is inside ourselves, inside our Circle of Influence, our own character.
What does interdependence open up? What else should we remember about interdependence?
Interdependence opens up worlds of possibilities for deep rich, meaningful associations, for geometrically increased productivity, for serving, for contributing, for learning for growing.
But interdependence is also where we feel the greatest pain, the greatest frustration, the greatest roadblocks to happiness and success. And we’re very aware of that pain because it is acute.
What does Covey say about chronic and acute pain involved in our personal lives and relationshThe ips?
We can often live for years with the chronic pain of our lack of vision, leadership or management in our personal lives. We feel vaguely uneasy and uncomfortable and occasionally take steps to ease the pain, at least for a time. Because the pain is chronic, we get used to it, we learn to live with it.
But when we have problems in our interactions with other people, we’re very aware of acute pain–it’s often intense, and we want it to go away.
That’s when we try to treat the symptoms with quick fixes and techniques–the Band-Aids of the Personality Ethic. We don’t understand that the acute pain is an outgrowth of the deeper, chronic problem. And until we stop treating the symptoms and start treating the problem, our efforts will only bring counterproductive results. We will only be successful at obscuring the chronic pain even more.
What does Covey say about effective interaction with others regarding the earlier story of the goose that lays golden eggs and our earlier definition of effectiveness?
Effectiveness is the P/PC balance, the fundamental concept of the goose and the golden egg.
In an interdependent situation, the golden eggs are the effectiveness, the wonderful synergy, the results created by open communication and the positive interaction with others. And to get those eggs on a regular basis, we need to take care of the goose. We need to create and care for the relationships that make those results realities.
What metaphor does Covey use to define the P/PC balance in an interdependent relationship?
The Emotional Bank Account.
What is the Emotional Bank Account?
A metaphor that describes the amount of trust that’s been built up in a relationship.
It’s the feeling of safeness you have with another human being.
How does Covey describe how the Emotional Bank Account works?
If I make deposits into an Emotional Bank Account with you through courtesy, kindness, honesty, and keeping my commitments to you, I build up a reserve. Your trust toward me becomes higher, and I can call upon that trust many times if I need to. I can even make mistakes and that trust level, that emotional reserve, will compensate for it. My communication may not be clear, but you’ll get my meaning anyway. You won’t make me “an offender for a word.” When the trust account is high, communication is easy, instant and effective.
But if I have a habit of showing discourtesy, disrespect, cutting you off, overreacting, ignoring you, becoming arbitrary, betraying your trust, threatening you, or playing little tin god in your life, eventually my Emotional Bank Account is overdrawn. The trust level gets very low. Then I receive very little flexibility.
How does Covey describe the function of marriages (maybe as an example of a close, interdependent relationship) if a large reserve of trust is not sustained by continuing deposits?
The marriage will deteriorate. Instead of rich, spontaneous understanding and communication, the situation becomes one of accommodation, where two people simply attempt to live independent life-styles in a fairly respectful and tolerant way. The relationship may further deteriorate to one of hostility and defensiveness. The “fight or flight” response creates verbal battles, slammed doors, refusal to talk, emotional withdrawal and self-pity. It may end up in a cold war at home, sustained only by children, sex, social pressure, or image protection. Or it may end up in open warfare in the courts, where bitter ego-destroying legal battles can be carried on for years as people endlessly confess the sins of a former spouse.
What is the lighthouse in a marriage, “the most intimate, the most potentially rich, joyful, satisfying and productive relationship possible between two people on this earth”?
The P/PC balance
What does Covey say about constancy in relationships and constancy of deposits in the Emotional Bank Account?
Our most constant relationships, like marriage, require our most constant deposits. With continuing expectations, old deposits evaporate. If you suddenly run into an old high school friend you haven’t seen for years, you can pick up right where you left off because the earlier deposits are still there. But your accounts with the people you interact with on a regular basis require more constant investment. There are sometimes automatic withdrawals in your daily interactions or in their perception of you that you don’t even know about.
In what constant relationship is the need for constant deposits necessary? How does Covey describe a negative version of this relationship? How does he describe a more effective version of it?
Teenagers in the home.
Suppose you have a teenage son and you r normal conversation is something like, “Clean your room. Button your shirt. Turn down the radio. go get a haircut. And don’t forget to take out the garbage!” Over a period of time, the withdrawals far exceed the deposits.
Now suppose this son is in the process of making some important decisions that will affect the rest of his life. But the trust level is so low and the communication process so closed, mechanical and unsatisfying that he simply will not be open to your counsel. You may have the wisdom and the knowledge to help him, but because your account is so overdrawn, he will end up making his decisions from a short range emotional perspective, which may result in many negative long-range consequences.
How does Covey describe creating a positive balance in the Emotional Bank Account with a hypothetical teenage son? How does Covey say the boy may respond?
Start making deposits into the relationship. Maybe the opportunity comes up to do him a little kindness–to bring home a magazine on skateboarding, if that’s his interest, or just to walk up to him when he’s working on a project and offer to help. Perhaps you could invite him to go to a movie with you or take him out for some ice cream. Probably the most important deposit you could make would be just to listen, without judging or preaching or reading your own autobiography into what he says. Just listen and seek to understand. Let him feel your concern for him, your acceptance of him as a person.
He may not respond at first. He may even be suspicious. “What’s Dad up to now? What technique is Mom trying on me this time?” But as the deposits keep coming, they begin to add up. That overdrawn balance is shrinking.
What does Covey say about the quick fix and building and repairing relationships?
Remember that the quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time. If you become impatient with his apparent lack of response or his seeming ingratitude, you may make huge withdrawals and undo all the good you’ve done. “After all we’ve done for you, the sacrifices we’ve made, how can you be so ungrateful? We try to be nice and you act like this. I can’t believe it!”
It’s hard not to get impatient. It takes character to be proactive, to focus on your Circle of Influence, to nurture growing things, and not “pull up the flowers to see how the roots are coming.”
But there really is no quick fix. Building and repairing relationships are long-term investments.
What are the six major deposits in the Emotional Bank Account?
- Understanding the Individual
- Attending to the Little Things
- Keeping Commitments
- Clarifying Expectations
- Showing Personal Integrity
- Apologizing Sincerely When You Make a Withdrawal
How does Covey initially describe the first major deposit, understanding the individual?
Really seeking to understand another person is probably one of the most important deposits you can make, and it is the key to every other deposit. you simply don’t know what constitutes a deposit to another persona until you understand that individual.
