Never Split the Difference

Question 1

What is ‘Mirroring’ in Voss’s negotiation techniques?

Answer 1

Repeating the last few words or the key words of what someone has just said. It encourages the other person to continue speaking and provide more information.

Question 2

How does Chris Voss suggest dealing with aggressive negotiators?

Answer 2

Use tactical empathy, which means understanding the feelings and mindset of another in the moment and also hearing what is behind those feelings.

Let’s go through some examples to better understand tactical empathy:

1. Difficult Client at Work:
   
   • Scenario: A client is frustrated because your team missed a project milestone.
   • Without Tactical Empathy: “We missed the deadline due to unforeseen issues. We’ll make sure to meet the next one.”
   • With Tactical Empathy: “I can see why you’d be upset given how important this milestone is to you. We underestimated a challenge, and I’m genuinely sorry. Let’s discuss how we can make it right and ensure future milestones are met.”
2. Negotiating a Raise:
   
   • Scenario: You believe you deserve a raise based on your performance, but your manager hasn’t acknowledged it.
   • Without Tactical Empathy: “I’ve performed well and I think I should get a raise.”
   • With Tactical Empathy: “I understand the company has budget constraints and you have to balance a lot of factors. Given the added responsibilities I’ve taken on and the results achieved, can we discuss a compensation that reflects that?”
3. Disagreement with a Partner:
   
   • Scenario: Your partner is upset because you forgot an important date.
   • Without Tactical Empathy: “I’ve been really busy. I didn’t do it on purpose.”
   • With Tactical Empathy: “It must have felt really hurtful and like I didn’t prioritize our relationship. I’m truly sorry. Let’s find a way to make up for it and ensure I remember in the future.”
4. Sales Pitch to a Potential Client:
   
   • Scenario: A potential client is hesitant about buying your product.
   • Without Tactical Empathy: “Our product has X, Y, Z features and has received great reviews.”
   • With Tactical Empathy: “You seem unsure, perhaps wondering if this will genuinely benefit your business the way you hope. Let me address those specific concerns, so you feel confident in whatever decision you make.”
5. Neighborly Dispute:
   
   • Scenario: Your neighbor is playing loud music late at night.
   • Without Tactical Empathy: “Can you turn down the music? It’s really loud.”
   • With Tactical Empathy: “I understand wanting to unwind and enjoy your evening. It’s just that the volume is making it hard for me to sleep. Could we find a middle ground?”

Tactical empathy is all about connecting with the underlying emotions and concerns of the other person. By doing so, you not only show that you understand and care, but you also pave the way for more collaborative and constructive conversations.

Question 3

What does ‘Labeling’ refer to in Voss’s techniques?

Answer 3

It’s a way of validating someone’s emotions by acknowledging them. E.g., ‘It seems like you’re frustrated about this.’

Here are some key words and phrases typically used when labeling:

1. “It seems like…“
   
   • Example: “It seems like you’re frustrated with the progress.”
2. “It sounds like…“
   
   • Example: “It sounds like you have some reservations about our proposal.”
3. “It looks like…“
   
   • Example: “It looks like you’re not comfortable with this arrangement.”
4. “You seem…“
   
   • Example: “You seem concerned about the timeline.”
5. “You sound…“
   
   • Example: “You sound excited about this opportunity.”
6. “You appear…“
   
   • Example: “You appear hesitant about making a decision.”
7. “I sense that…“
   
   • Example: “I sense that you’re not fully convinced.”

The aim of these key words and phrases is to neutrally and non-judgmentally acknowledge and identify what the other person might be feeling. It’s not about making definitive statements but rather opening up the conversation. After a label, the other party often either confirms, elaborates, or corrects the perception, all of which provide valuable information for the negotiation or conversation at hand.

Question 4

Why is ‘No’ a crucial word in Voss’s negotiation methods?

Answer 4

‘No’ provides a sense of safety and control to the speaker. Instead of pushing for a ‘yes’, Voss suggests getting to a ‘no’ to understand the barriers and concerns of the other party.

Let’s delve into some real-world examples that illustrate the power and nuance of “no” in the context of Chris Voss’s teachings:

1. Job Interview Salary Negotiation:
   
   • Scenario: You’re offered a job, but the salary is lower than what you were hoping for.
   • Traditional Approach: You might say, “Can you offer a higher salary?”
   • Voss’s Approach: Instead, you might respond with, “Is this the best you can do on the salary?” The hiring manager might reply with “no” (meaning there might be room for negotiation), allowing you to probe further.
2. Buying a Used Car:
   
   • Scenario: A car dealer gives a price that’s higher than your budget.
   • Traditional Approach: “Can you reduce the price?”
   • Voss’s Approach: “Have I done something to make you think I can afford that price?” This might lead the dealer to say “no,” which can be a segue into discussing a more reasonable price.
3. Vendor Service Negotiation:
   
   • Scenario: A vendor is not meeting the agreed-upon delivery times.
   • Traditional Approach: “Can you ensure timely delivery from next time?”
   • Voss’s Approach: “Is there a reason the deliveries aren’t on schedule?” The vendor might respond with “no,” prompting them to address the issue or provide more information on the delays.
4. House Lease Agreement:
   
   • Scenario: The landlord insists on a two-year lease, but you’re looking for a one-year agreement.
   • Traditional Approach: “Can we make it a one-year lease?”
   • Voss’s Approach: “Is a two-year lease the only option you’d consider?” If the landlord says “no,” it opens the door for discussing alternatives.
5. Team Project Deadline:
   
   • Scenario: A team member consistently misses deadlines.
   • Traditional Approach: “Can you ensure you meet the next deadline?”
   • Voss’s Approach: “Do you think my expectations are unreasonable?” A “no” here can lead to a conversation about what’s causing the delays and how they can be addressed.

By aiming for a “no” or creating scenarios where “no” is an anticipated response, you’re not just negotiating on the surface level. You’re delving deeper into the reasons, concerns, and motivations of the other party. This approach often leads to better mutual understanding and more favorable outcomes for both sides.

Question 5

How does Voss recommend establishing rapport during negotiations?

Answer 5

By using a late-night FM DJ voice, speaking calmly, slowly, and reassuringly.

Question 6

What is the ‘Accusation Audit’ in ‘Never Split the Difference’?

Answer 6

Before starting a negotiation, address negative perceptions the other party might have about you to clear the air and reduce hostility.

Purpose: By naming and diffusing the negatives early on, you can:

Prevent the other side from harboring or dwelling on them.
Level the playing field by showing you’re aware and empathetic to their concerns.
Make the other side feel understood and more inclined to cooperate.
Method: Begin by listing all possible accusations, negative feelings, or perceptions the other party might have against you. They can range from minor annoyances to major issues. Then, articulate these concerns out loud at the beginning of the conversation.

Examples:

If you’re late to a meeting, starting with, “I realize I’ve kept you waiting and that might seem disrespectful…“ can disarm the other person’s annoyance.
In a business deal, acknowledging, “You might feel this offer is skewed in our favor and that we’re trying to shortchange you…“ can preemptively address the other party’s concerns.
Effects:

Disarming: By addressing negatives head-on, you’re effectively disarming the other party. It’s harder for someone to be aggressive or defensive when their concerns are already on the table.
Building Trust: Demonstrating awareness of the other side’s potential concerns can foster trust and show them that you’re approaching the negotiation in good faith.
Facilitating Open Dialogue: By removing initial barriers, you set the stage for a more open, honest, and productive conversation.

Question 7

How does Voss suggest creating a sense of urgency in a negotiation?

Answer 7

By using calibrated, open-ended questions to let the other party feel they are in control while guiding them towards the desired outcome. They are often questions that start with “How” or “What”. The idea is to make the other party think and consider your perspective, all while believing they are in control of the conversation.

Purpose: The main objective is to get information, understand the constraints and motivations of the other party, and guide the conversation in a way that makes the other party see things from your perspective.

Examples:

“How am I supposed to do that?” This question can be used when given an unacceptable offer. It makes the other party reconsider their position, perhaps offering something more reasonable.
“What’s the core issue here?” This helps in understanding the real concerns or problems that the other party is facing.
“How can we resolve this?” A question that pushes the other party to think of solutions.

Creating Urgency: By asking these questions, you are putting the onus on the other party to come up with solutions. This can create a sense of urgency as they are compelled to think deeply and quickly about the situation, especially if they perceive that not answering or addressing the question could lead to undesirable consequences.

In essence, calibrated questions are a way to steer the negotiation without appearing confrontational, making them a powerful tool in the negotiator’s arsenal. Chris Voss emphasizes their use as they allow you to gain valuable insights while subtly guiding the direction of the conversation.

Question 8

What is the ‘7-38-55 Rule’ Voss mentions?

Answer 8

It states that only 7% of a message is based on the words, while 38% comes from the tone of voice, and 55% from the speaker’s body language and facial expressions.

7% - Words
38% - Tone
55% - Body Language