Midterm Test - Part 1 Flashcards
Definition of self-betray (or self-deception)
An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another person
Steps of Self Betrayal
- Self betrayal - an act contrary to what I feel I should do for another.
- Justification - I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self-betray.
- Distortion - my view of reality becomes distorted.
- I enter the box.
- The boxes become characteristics and I carry them with me.
- I provoke others to be in the box.
- Collusion - mutual mistreatment and justification. Collude in giving each other reasons to stay in the box
1st step to self-betrayal
An act contrary to what I feel I should do for another
2nd step to self-betrayal
I begin to see the world in a way that justifies my self betrayal
3rd step to self-betrayal
My view of reality becomes distorted
4th Step to self-betrayal
I enter “the box”
5th step to self-betrayal
Boxes become characteristic of me and I carry them with me
6th step to self-betrayal
I provoke others to be in the box
7th step to self-betrayal
Collusion (collude) - I invite other to stay or be in the box with me. Mutual mistreatment and justification. Giving each other reasons to stay in the box.
Perceptions when outside the box
You see the other person as a person. You have empathy and compassion.
Perceptions when inside the box.
You see yourselves as the victim and only see the good things about you and your “efforts”. Very self focused. The other person is an object. The are lazy, inconsiderate, insensitive, etc etc. Blaming. Everyone else is at fault.
How do you get out of the box?
Seeing the other as person. You are out of the box as soon as you feel you want to be out of the box for someone. When we cease resisting others (what is outside our box). The humanity of others can penetrate our resistance and our box.
Stages of learning
- Unconscious incompetence
- Conscious incompetence
- Conscious competence
- Unconscious competence
1st stage of learning
Unconsciously incompetent - don’t know what you don’t know. Can’t do what you can’t do.
2nd stage of learning
Conscious Incompetence - aware of what we can’t do. Moving toward learning.
3rd stage of learning
Conscious competence - practice brings competence and learning. Goal
4th Stage of learning
Unconscious competence - habit of expectation, 10,000 hour rule, become an expert. Most dangerous because you’re doing the right things, but lacking awareness.
Vulnerability
We must regress before we progress again to learn more
Bilateral Communication & Metaphor & Goal
2 way interaction. Goal is truth. Lovers. working together to solve problems, treat others equally
Unilateral Communication - and metaphor, goal
One-way. Can be “rape, seduction”. Motive is power and superiority. Force. (“molestation” - power relationship is already there, repetitious)
3 Basic types of family environment for conflicts -
- Avoidant -
- Aggressive -
- Collaborative -
Lens Model Theory
- looks at communication behaviors and the perceptions of those behaviors.
- It specifies that each person has a view of oneself, the other person and the relationship.
Different filters on conflict lenses
- gender filters
- cultural filters:
individualistic (direct, linear, individual oriented, collaboration, confrontational)
Collectivistic (expressive oriented, group oriented, concealment, intuitive, indirect strategies)
Negative Conflict Metaphors
- Conflict is like war
- Conflict is bullying
- Conflict is explosive
- Conflict is a trial
- Conflict is a mess
Positive Conflict Metaphors
- Conflict is a heroic adventure
- Conflict is a balancing act
- Conflict is a tide
- Conflict is a dance
- Conflict is a garden, quilt making, musical improv
Why Metaphors
- to find meaning and make sense of the world, imaginative descriptions of emotional experiences, compact shorthand of a complicated process
Why Metaphors
- to find meaning and make sense of the world, imaginative descriptions of emotional experiences, compact shorthand of a complicated process
Positive views of conflict
Exciting, strengthening, helpful, stimulating, growth producing, enriching, energizing, clarifying, intimate, opportunity, creative, enriching
Negative views of conflict
destruction, anger, disagreement, hostility, war, anxiety, tension, alienation, violence, competition, threat, pain, stress
5 elements of conflict
- an expressed struggle (verbal/non verbal, subtle/direct)
- between interdependent parties (choices affect each other)
- incompatible goals (fact vs. perception)
- Scarce resources (physical, economic, social consequences)
- interference (they block desired actions, may perceive them as problem)
What are J Gottman’s 4 Horseman
- Criticizing
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Contempt
J Gottman Criticism
1 predictor of divorce Attacking the person’s character.
J Gottman Defensiveness
Used to protect themselves against pain and fear. Anything to ward off an attack.
J Gottman Stonewalling
Withdrawal from Interaction. Tuning out, turning away, shuts down.
J Gottman - Contempt
Mocking. Anything coming from a superior position.
Topic goals
What do we want? What is the content?
Relational Goals
How each party wants to be treated by the other and the amount of interdependence they desire. “What I need here is some respect”
Process Goals
How conflict will be conducted. What communication process is or will be used to solve issue? What are the steps to stay out of future conflict?
ie equal talk time, consensus vs voting, not allowing the children to speak.
Indentity goal
Driver of dispute with relational goals
Who am I in this interaction? When identity becomes an issue people are less flexible and engage in destructive moves.
Rape
one sided. “In the box” situation. This would be like yelling at someone to get what they want. The victim will either fight back or just endure. Examples would be: Boss demeaning an employee, spouse that feels superior.
Seduction
Using trickery, manipulation, lying to get someone to do what you want. This would NOT be mutual and also is one sided. “In the box” situation as well. This could be victims that are willing or unable to discern the lies for the seducer. Examples would be: Politicians, salesmen, etc.
Lover
Selfless, see a person as a person not an object, mutual experience, equal power, openness, honesty. This would be more “out of the box” situation. The victim is more willing to open themselves up to criticism for the argument is a means to a solution or resolution. Example would be: Husband and wife.
Brockriede’s three argument stances
- rape or bully.
- seduction.
- Lover or team player
Supportive rather than Defensive Climates
- Description rather than Evaluation
““You really like the idea of going camping instead of kayaking. Are you open to some other options?” - Problem solving rather than control
“We can solve this problem. Let’s talk about the possibilities”. - Spontaneity rather than Strategy
“I’m not comfortable with that idea. Let’s keep talking.” - Empathy rather than Neutrality
“This is my best advice based on my experience and the research. What do you think? Will this work for you?” - Equality rather than superiority
“I feel strongly about this. What is your experience?” - Provisionalism rather than Certainty
“Driving at Christmas is something I’m not wanting to do. I still want to see our family, but I hate being on the highway at Christmas. Let’s talk about other options.”
escalatory spiral
the relationship continues to circle around to more and more damaging ends; the interaction becomes self-perpetuating.
Its characteristics are misunderstanding, discord, and destruction
Gottmans two groups to distinguish couples
Masters (gentle) or disasters (critical)
Gottman’s three critical elements
Patterns of behavior
Theories
Interventions
Why are stonewallers trying to do by using this tactic?
To Calm down
Gottman’s three levels of building
Build love maps (know your partner)
Build fondness (respect)
Build connection
