Maintaining Relationships Flashcards
How do people maintain satisfying relationships?
Responsiveness ->
Attentive and supportive recognition of one person’s needs and interests by another.
* Perceived partner responsiveness
* Feeling understood
* Feeling valued, respected, and validated.
Benefits of responsiveness
Personal outcomes (e.g., health, well-being, non-defensiveness, intellectual openness)
Relationship outcomes (e.g., satisfaction, closeness, trust, commitment, prosocial orientation)
* One of the strongest predictors of relationship quality across 43 longitudinal studies (Joel et al., 2020)
Predictors of perceived responsiveness?
Perceived responsiveness may not be accurate.
Where do perceptions stem from?
* Remember Epley (2008): “ego-centric simulations” (aka “projection”) we assume that other people are thinking, viewing the world in the way that we would. Projecting onto the other person. Misreading.
* Attachment orientation (anxious: hypervigilant to signs of rejection) (Collins & Feeney, 2004). Careful not to send ambiguous mixed messages.
How well can we detect partners sacrifices
In two diary studies, I followed couples for a few weeks, and each day at the end of the day, I asked both partners separately … whether they themselves had made a sacrifice…and whether they thought that their partner had sacrificed that day, so I could compare partners’ independent reports about what happened in their relationship that day. As it turned out, in both studies, only about 50% of the sacrifices that partners reported were actually detected by the other partner.
In other words, we tend to miss many of our partner’s sacrifices.
* Did you make a sacrifice today?”
* “Did your partner make a sacrifice today?”
* Only 50% of sacrifices were detected!
* But also “false alarms”
Seeing partners sacrifices
Seeing a partner’s sacrifices boosts gratitude.
Missed sacrifices leave partner feeling underappreciated after they sacrificed.
* Both partners less satisfied
Missed sacrifices (ignoring their partner’s sacrifices) are missed opportunities to feel grateful towards a partner, which can also make the partner who sacrificed feel bad, because they may also not feel appreciated for the sacrifice they made.
And both partners end up less satisfied in their relationship than when the sacrifice, this responsive act of the partner would have been recognized.
Gratitude is powerful
- Feeling grateful benefits people’s health and happiness (Wood et al., 2010)
- Benefits the quality and longevity of relationships (Algoe et al., 2010; Gordon et al., 2012)
- Feeling appreciated by partner buffers insecurely attached individuals’ relationship satisfaction and commitment (Park et al. 2019)
Conflict
Conflict is inevitable in relationships. Motives, goals, beliefs, opinions, or behavior interfere with those of another.
Dating couples ->
* 2.3 conflicts per week
Married couples ->
* Memorable differences of opinion
* ~3 to 4 per week (Papp et al., 2009)
* “Unpleasant disagreements”:
* ~1 to 2 per month (McGonagle et al., 1992)
It is not whether couples experience conflict, but how they approach conflict that matters.
‘A big conflict might lead to a big problem getting fixed’ (Baker & McNulty, 2020)
Conflict Patterns
To do so we go back to John Gottman—who also identified the magic 5:1 ratio. Aside from the balance of positive to negative experiences, he also studied how couples navigate conflicts and he has mapped out some of the most negative patterns of conflict. In other words, these should be avoided.
In terms of conflict patterns, he talks about 4 negative approaches to conflict that can be detrimental to relationships. He calls these strategies the four horsemen of the apocalypse. These include criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.
Criticism
Attacking personality or character rather than airing disagreements by focusing on specific behaviour
“I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You are so irresponsible!” Vs.
“I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash.”
apocalypse. They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling.
Contempt
Worst of the four.
One step from criticism – involves tearing down or being insulted towards your partner.
Disrespect and disgust, acting superior.
e.g., rolling eyes, sneering, or using sarcastic put-downs.
Defensiveness
Denying responsibility, making excuses, or cross-complaining
Natural response to ‘attack,’ but engenders feelings of tension and prevents partners from hearing each other.
“I did not cheat on you; we were on a break! And you were the one who left me in the first place!”
Stonewalling
Refusal to respond – this is a withdrawal from the conflict, the relationship, and from the partner.
e.g., ignoring the partner, leaving the room, picking up a book, turning on computer etc.
Conflict patterns
These hostile conflict patterns are quite common & associated with relationship dissatisfaction.
* (Busby & Holman, 2009 – 2,000 couples: 24% reported hostile patterns)
* (Li et al., 2019 – same patterns and associations with dissatisfaction in China)
What’s missing here? Responsiveness! These conflict patterns all lack or are the outright opposite of partners being responsive to each other.
* Empathy, respect, understanding, validation
* Being collaborators vs. antagonists
Transgressions
Hurtful actions by others we trusted and whom we did not expect to misbehave (e.g., infidelity, lying, breaking promise).
Many people feel this is a dealbreaker -> other extreme of forgiveness and repair. In the middle ground -> trust issues and dissatisfaction.
Forgoing motivation to retaliate and work towards reconciliation with offender.
* Helps to repair relationships.
* Promotes victims’ personal well-being.
Factors that benefit constructive conflict and forgiveness
After conflict ->
* Commitment: Motivation to act constructively
* Self-control: Ability to act constructively (repressing anger impulses)
‘The ability to regulate one’s thoughts, motivations, and behaviors in a goal-directed manner’ (e.g., Baumeister, Heatherton, & Tice, 1994)
