Love and Communication Flashcards
Love
exists in all cultures, ethnic groups, in all orientations; dual nature: feeling and activity
Love and Sexuality
intimately related in our culture; our language connects love and sex; sexual satisfaction is tied to relationship satisfaction; level of intimacy and relationship duration are correlated with the decision to engage in sexual activity;
Love without sex
celibacy or asexuality; a purposeful choice rather than a sexual problem; emphasis on friendship and other relationship qualities;
Styles of Love: Lee
Eros, Mania, Ludus, Storge, Agape, and Pragma; to have a mutually satisfying relationship, a person has to find a partner who shares the same style and definition of love
Eros
love of beauty, intense, passionate, and sensual, fascinated by every physical detail of their beloved
Mania
from the Greek word madness; obsessive love that swings between ecstasy and despair
Ludus
from the latin word for play; playful, non-committed love; love is a game, “nothing serious” is the motto of ludic lovers
Storge
from the Greek word for natural affection; usually begins as a friendship and gradually deepens into love
Agape
from the greek word for brotherly love; altruistic love, giving, generous love that puts others before self, it is the love of saints and martyrs; it is easier to love all of humankind than an individual in this way
Pragma
from the greek word for business; a practical love, pragmatic lovers use their logic in their search for a partner who meets their needs, if they meet a person who satisfies their criteria, erotic, manic or other feelings may develop
The Triangular Theory of Love
developed by Robert Sternberg; emphasizes the quality of love relationships; Love is the interaction of three components– 1. intimacy: emotional component, 2. passion: sexual component, 3. commitment: (a) short-term is the decision to love that person and (b) long-term is the commitment to maintain that love
Kinds of Love: Sternberg
Liking is intimacy only; Infatuation is passion only; Romantic love is intimacy and passion; Companionate love is intimacy and commitment; Fatuous love is passion and commitment; Consummate love is intimacy, passion, and commitment; Empty love is commitment only; nonlove is the absence of all love
Geometry of Love
size and shape of each person’s triangle indicates how well each person is matched to the other; if the components are not equal, it results in unbalanced triangles
Ten Signs of Intimacy
- wanting to promote your partners’ welfare 2. Feeling Happiness with your partner 3. holding partner in high regard 4. Being able to count on your partner in time of need 5. Being able to understand each other 6. Sharing yourself and possessions with your partner 7. Receiving emotional support from your partner 8. Giving emotional support to your partner; 9. Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things 10. Valuing partner’s presence in your life.
Extramarital sex
exists in dating, cohabiting, and marital relationships; in exclusive relationships, it’s related to four factors– 1. stronger sexual interests 2. more permissive sexual values 3. Greater sexual opportunities 4. Weaker marital relationships
Communication
a transactional process; involves conveying symbols, words, gestures, movements; Goals are to establish human contact, exchange information and reinforce or change attitudes or behaviors
Cultural context- communication
the language, values, beliefs, and customs in which communication takes place
Social context- communication
the roles we play in society as members of different groups (ex: husband and wife roles); traditional gender roles (ex: men are given higher status than women); because roles exist in relationship to other people, status is important
Psychological context- communication
determines how people communicate based on their personalities
Nonverbal communication
the ability to correctly interpret nonverbal communication is important in relationships; most of our “feeling” communication is nonverbal; 3 important factors
Proximity
nearness in physical space; a) where we sit or stand in relation to another person signifies a level of intimacy, b) the neutral intermediate distance for Latinos is much closer than that for Anglos, c) Asian cultures feature even a greater distance
Eye Contact
a symbol of interest; a) may differ by culture
Touching
signals intimacy, closeness; a) How and where a person is touched can suggest friendship, intimacy, love, etc, b) men don’t seem to initiate touch with women any more than women do so with men, c) for women, there is more touch avoidance unless there is a relational context with the man, d) with sexual overtones, men initiate more touching, e) touching may be the closest form of nonverbal communication, f) those who touch appear to self-disclose more
Gender Differences in Partner Communication (Women)
- Women send clearer messages to their their partner then men– a) women are more sensitive and receptive to their partner’s messages both during conversation and conflict, b) women are more likely then men to reply to both positive and negative messages; set the emotional tone of the argument– a) women tend to use emotional appeals and threats; women use more qualifiers– a) “i feel sort of sad about that.”, b) they use more tag questions (“that was a good movie, wasn’t it?”), c) use more intensifiers (“He appeared really upset.”);
Gender Differences in Partner communication (men)
- Men more than women send negative messages or withdraw; Men tend to reason, seek conciliation, or try to postpone or end arguments; Men use fewer words but more profanity when describing feelings and situations
Sexual Communication
our interpersonal sexual scripts provide us with “instructions” on how to behave sexually; in beginning relationships there’s the Halo Effect; in some cases: establishing sexual orientation; first move and beyond– a) in new relationships, we communicate indirectly about sex because we want to avoid rejection (moving closer, turning down the lights), b) because so much of our sexual communication is indirect or ambiguous, there’s risk of misinterpretation; Directing sexual activity– a) must practice safer sex and contraceptive responsibility, b) requires direct verbal communication
Halo Effect *
beginning of relationships; the assumption that attractive or charismatic people also possess more desirable social characteristics
Reasons for Misunderstandings from sexual communication (#1)
Men and women tend to disagree about when sexual activities should take place in a relationship– a) men seek sexual involvement earlier and with a level of emotional intimacy
Reasons for Misunderstandings from sexual communication (#2)
Men may be skeptical about women’s refusals– a) men believe that women often say “no” when they actually mean “coax me”
Reasons for Misunderstandings from sexual communication (#3)
Because it is indirect, women may be unclear in signaling their disinterest– a) a woman may not move a man’s hand back to its proper place or say that it is getting late, b)women are most effective when they make strong, direct verbal refusals, c) men become more compliant if women are persistent in refusals
Reasons for Misunderstandings from sexual communication (#4)
Men are more likely than women to interpret nonsexual behavior or cues as sexual
Developing Communication skills (#1)*
Generally, poor communication skills precede relationship problems
Developing Communication skills (#2)*
First step is in better communication: self awareness– a) becoming aware of one’s feelings, b) feelings need to be felt, c) feelings don’t necessarily need to be acted out or expressed
Developing communication skills (#3)*
Recognizing Tendencies to: a) suppress “unacceptable” feelings especially anger, hurt, frustration, and jealousy, b) deny our feelings, c) displace or project our feelings (ex: instead of recognizing that you are jealous, you may accuse your partner of being jealous)
Critical elements in good communication (1)*
self-disclosure: a) reveal oneself to others, b) creates the environment for mutual understanding, c) helps us discover who we are, d) must be reciprocal
Critical elements in good communication (2)*
Trust: a) belief in the reliability and integrity of the person
Critical elements in good communication (3)*
Feedback: a) ongoing process of restating, checking accuracy, clarifying messages, b) most important form of feedback for improving relationships is constructive feedback, c) constructive feedback is the most likely to encourage positive change
Setting Boundaries
people need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for their lives; important in determining the health of a relationship; they clarify where you stop and where I begin, which problems belong to you or me; when one or both people in a relationship have difficulty with boundaries, the relationship suffers
Conflict and Intimacy*
Conflict is natural in intimate relationships: a) conflict= process in which people perceive incompatible goals and interference from others in achieving their goals, b) a lack of arguing can signal trouble in a relationship, c) it may mean that issues are not being resolved or that there’s a difference, d) conflict isn’t dangerous to intimate relationships, e) it’s the manner in which it’s handled that can hurt or help you
The Inability to love
ability to love is learned; some people have childhood that neither provides ex’s of loving behavior nor helps to develop the personal characteristics necessary to love; love requires commitment and commitment involves risk; some are unwilling or unable to take risk necessary to form a genuine love relationship; another common cause of this is low self-esteem
Destructive elements in relationships *
Excessive dependency
Excessive dependency*
a) many relationships are unequal and involve an extreme degree of dependency on the part of one’s partner, *b) for many people, the basic problem is a form of emotional immaturity, c) dependency isn’t a love relationship because it prevents growth, d) it’s a form of parasitism and a matter of necessity rather than love, e) when our need to be taken care of by someone rules our lives, we’re dependent, f) an excessively dependent partner is likely to be viewed as a burden
Excessive Dependency (Solutions)
can be overcome by: recognizing or admitting the problem, developing an understanding of why dependency exists, initiating a program leading to increased independence
Jealousy*
Fear of losing someone’s exclusive love; * the defining characteristic is that it’s a response to a perceived threat to an existing relationship; *excessive dependency is the most significant factor that causes jealousy; Absence may indicate relationship problems; sets boundaries for acceptable behaviors; insecurity causes jealousy when jealous people perceive their partner as being a highly desirable “possession” and they doubt their own ability to hold onto such a person; jealousy doesn’t prove the existence of love; jealousy is painful; jealousy can destroy a relationship; jealousy is linked to violence;
Managing Jealousy
Jealousy can be unreasonable and unrealistic: dealing with irrational suspicions can be difficult, can work on underlying causes of our insecurity, if jealousy is well-founded, relationship may need to be modified or ended, can be the catalyst for change
Disintegration of Love
Disintegrating relationships often pass through predictable stages: 1. differentiating, 2. circumscribing, 3. stagnating, 4. Avoiding, 5. Final termination
Differentiating
partners begin to focus more on themselves and less on the other
Circumscribing
communication is restricted to the “safe” topics and emotion-laden or conflict-laden topics are avoided
Stagnating
very little is discussed because they lead to arguments; there’s no discussion of the relationship
Avoiding
the partners don’t speak and they don’t want to see each other; exchanges are hostile
Final Termination
the partners accept that the relationship is over and practical matters such as property of custody or children are settled
Breaking Up
characteristic feelings expressed by partners following a breakup include rejectors feel guilty, annoyance and anger; rejectees are likely to feel a powerful sense of loss leading to a possibility of severe depression, abandonment and/or betrayal and a severe crisis of self-esteem
Breaking up (rejectors)
those who seek to break up should: a) not behave in any way that could be interpreted as misleading, b) communicate their lack of interest clearly, c) obtain feedback so the message is understood, d) give a clear and honest explanation of why the relationship is being terminated
Breaking Up (Rejectees)
they should: a) not dwell on whose fault it was, b) not think any less of oneself as a human being, c) not waste their energy in trying to make things better, d) recognize that many break ups occur and people do recover and get on with their lives, e) seek counseling if one’s emotions are interfering with daily functioning
Stages of Grief
DABDA- Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
