Leaving Iowa Jessie Nightmare Waitress Flashcards
Wayne•That’s her.(Wayne Exits.)
Jessie•(in almost one breath). Hi, welcome to Gabby’s, my name is Jessie, although most people think I’m gabby, too. As in Gabby Jessie, not THE Gabby, although she’s never here and that’s not my problem. You’re not too gabby at all. You look like you’ve had a tough day, Mr. Tuckered-Out. You know what I’m calling you, Mr. Tuckered-Out? I’m calling you Mr. Down-in-the-Dumps, Mr.Tuckered-Out. But my name’s Jessie and you’re in good hands. Now, is there anything else? Extra sugar? Sweet’N Low, cream, a clean spoon? Ha,I was fooling. Just fooling. That’s what I do, I’m a fooler. We have the cleanest kitchen this side of the Mississippi. See, Jessie’s funny. She’s a fooler and she’s funny. C’mon, that was funny and I know it was funny. People tell me all the time, Jessie, take that one on the road, but I’d rather be here for you. So, you catch your breath, Mr.Slouchy-face, let me know what you want, and Jessie’ll get it for you, OK?OK?OK?OK?
Don•Thank you. (Jessie Enters)
Jessie•Boo!
Don•OK.
Jessie•OK, you just let me know now, and Jessie will get it for you because that’s what I do. (Jessie exits.)
Don•OK. (Jessie re-enters.)
Jessie•OK, now what can I get my Mr.Smiley here? I highly recommend our meatloaf cutlet. It’s got Wayne’s three-part gravy. That’s one part gravy, two parts Wayne—ha! Joke.
Wayne•Yep, Jessie’s funny. (Wayne walks away.)
Jessie•Thanks, Wayne. He’s sweet. It’s real good, but if you’re looking for something light, I’d go with the hog butcher’s omelette. Ham, bacon, sausage, three kinds of cheese and Egg Beaters. That’s what keeps it light. So what’s it gonna be?
Don•I just want a plain burger, no pickle, no onions and some ketchup.
Jessie•That’s it?
Don•That’s it.
Jessie•(shouting). Wayne! Kill, grill it and give it to him simple.(To Don.) What do we have here? (Picks up brochures.) What’s this? “Wax the day away at Candles Gardens?” Now that sounds fun. Though I’ll tell ya, last Christmas my sister bought me a scented rabbit candle and I told her I thought she could find a better way to say Merry Christmas than a lilac bunny with a wick in his butt. Rude maybe, but that’s Jessie, honest to a fault. I mean, heck, my cousin Becky, who’s not even a real cousin, she got me some…
Don•(cont’d). I’m sorry, cancel my order.
Jessie•It’ll be out in a minute.
Don•That’s OK, please, cancel it.
Jessie•(pushing him back into his seat). Now hold on Mr.Cancel Pants, why don’t you just sit there and look at your little brochures and—bingo—your boring burger will be out in no time. OK, let’s see, look, I’m no tour guide, but if I had a choice between let’s say Wax Candle here and (holding up a brochure.) visiting “The Center of the United States,” shoot, I’d call my mom, buy some Pall Malls, some Skittles and haul butt to the center of the USA. She loves a good tourist crap-trap, loves it all day long.
Don•(pauses). What did you say? (Don reaches for one of the brochures Jessie is holding, but she is waving them and talking.)
Jessie•Loves it all day long and into tomorrow.
Don•No–(keeps reaching.)
Jessie•Tourist crap-trap. Yeah that’s what she calls ‘em. She’s a funny lady.
(Don snatches the brochure from her.)OK, Mr.Grabby-grab.
Don•(looks at it). Jessie, that’s it. Wayne! That’s it! Let’s cancel the burger and do this.
Jessie•Well, what go into you, Mr.Get-up-‘n-cancel, which by the way is my job, not yours. WAAAAAYNE, CANCEL IT! So, are we happy now?
Don•(completely focused on the brochure). Absolutely! “Stand in the center…"”Stand in the center of your country.”
Jessie•(exiting). I do not get you.
Don:Jessie, Lebanon, Kansas–how far? How far do you think?
Slow down, Mr.Jibber-Jabber
Wayne:Cars fixed
Well looked there, Mr.Lucky.
