Gottman

Question 1

Research Based Marital Therapy

Answer 1

Marital Friendship

Conflict Management

Question 2

Friendship

Answer 2

• Foundation of relationship house - 1st level
  i. you need knowledge to know, support and show caring.
• Strategy
  i. Daily/weekly connection
  ii. avoid compartmentalization
  iii. continually update!
  iv. turn the knowledge into action

Question 3

Fondness and Admiration

Answer 3

2nd level - Keeping sight of the positive
FACTS
i. Good and bad happen in every relationship, but…
- WHAT YOU SEE DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU LOOK FOR!
- “grumpy” couples only see about 50% of the positives happening
- Fastest, easiest way to improve a relationship

STRATEGY

i. begin to notice the small, positive things
ii. acknowledge them (thanks for…I appreciate)

Question 4

Turning Towards/ Small Acts

Answer 4

3rd level of relationship house
FACT
- Happy couples connect in small ways at a high rate
- Difference: going to Hawaii vs. doing the dishes together
STRATEGY
a. turning your list from #1 into action
- remember, knowledge is only half the battle
- examples: taping a show, phone calls
b/ Notice and accept “bids for connection”
- examples: craft isle, clothing, “how’s your day?”
c. How to build trust

Question 5

Build culture of “we”

Answer 5

4th level
FACT
a. Treating your marriage as a mini culture has great benefits
b. Explicitly face challenges and decisions as a unit
c. cultures have traditions, rituals, celebrations, etc.
STRATEGY
a. know your own goals, values, etc…and also your partners
b. learn how you and your partner can support each other
c. Prioritize and protect the marital sub-system

Question 6

Making it work

Answer 6

Emotional bank account

Question 7

4 patterns of “disasters”

Answer 7

a. Rejecting influence
b. Harsh start-ups
- 4 horsemen
c. Failed repairs
d. No compromise
- stay stuck in gridlock

Question 8

Accepting Influence

Answer 8

FACT
a. Power sharing is essential
b. mutuality in decision-making
- Helps to prevent the criticism, contempt.
c. male acceptance of female influence more powerful predictor
STRATEGY
a. Willingness to compromise
b. Identify reasonableness of others’ position.

Question 9

Softened vs. Harsh Startup

Answer 9

FACT
a. outcome of argument can be determined by the 1st 3 minutes
b, 4 “horseman” are routinely evident in harsh startup
STRATEGY
a. complain, don’t blame
b. I statements
c. Be clear, describe what is happening, don’t evaluate
d. Don’t store things up

Question 10

4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Answer 10

a. Criticism
b. Contempt
c. Defensiveness
d. Stonewalling

Question 11

Criticism

Answer 11

stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality.
- giving your partner negative trait attributions

Question 12

Contempt

Answer 12

statements that come from a relative position of superiority.
- Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. “You’re an idiot”

Question 13

Defensiveness

Answer 13

Self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example. “It’s not my fault that we’re always late, it’s your fault.”

Question 14

Stonewalling

Answer 14

Emotional withdrawal from interaction.

Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker.

Question 15

(Failed Repairs) Effective Repair

Answer 15

FACT
a. Conflict does not lead to divorce when effective repair is present
b. it is the lack of emotional engagement that predicts divorce
STRATEGY
a. script your repair
b. I feel; I need to calm down; Sorry; Stop Action/Break.
“there is that…”

Question 16

(No compromise) Avoidance of Gridlock

Answer 16

FACT
a. 69% of issues that couples argue about will not go away
b. everyone has problems, decide what problems you can tolerate
STRATEGY
a. De-personalize & identify the “dream” that is fueling the conflict
b. Identify non-negotiable areas
c. Devise temporary compromise; if protective of marriage, can become area of acceptance.