EXAM 1 Flashcards
Our central concern is about
Communication
3 Functions of Talk (Duck & Pond)
- Essential-Necessary
- Indexical-Logical common sense connection between sign and signified
- Instrumental-Serving as an instrument or means in pursuing an aim or policy
Conflict
The expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources and interference from others in achieving their goals.
Expressed struggles become activated by a
Triggering event
3 aspects of Interdependence:
Connections, mutual interests and “stuck with each other”
Unproductive interdependence can produce
Gridlock conflicts
3 aspects of Perceived Incompatible Goals
- Perception is crucial
- Reframing goals to find argument
- Sometimes goals are still different even with excellent communication
4 aspects of Perceived Scarce Resources
- Perception is crucial
- Sometimes resources are actually scarce
- Common interpersonal scarcity: power and self esteem
- Sometimes resources aren’t cause
3 aspects of interference
- Perception is crucial
- Sometimes people interfere
- Frequently perception of interference stimulates anger and blame
Messages reveal the state of a
Relationship
Conflict is 95% destructive in
Step families due to new family units
Parental conflict has a direct impact on their
Children
Conflicted married individuals tend to have poorer health than
Single individuals
Women suffer more in
Hostile conflict
The level of conflict has a far greater impact on children than
Divorcing
According to Gottman, frequency of negative facial expressions accurately predict the number of
Infectious diseases a person will have in 4 years
Parent fighting levels are reflected in children’s
Urine
Conflict managements the key to
Long term relationships
What percentage of people experience conflict at work?
85%
Emotional intelligence
The capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in relationships (Goleman)
4 Aspects of Emotional Intelligence
Self awareness, self management, social awareness and social skills
Self awareness
Understanding the relationships between emotions
Self management
Controlling your own emotions
Social awareness
Perceiving others emotions
Social skills
Using emotions to facilitate thought and linking emotions to thinking
2 forms of talk
Elaborated vs. Truncated
Truncated Talk
Destructive conflict that is costly to all parties.
Unresolved conflict
Tremendous negative impact
Gottman’s 4 Horsemen
- Criticizing
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Contempt
Gottman says that contempt is the biggest predictor of
Divorce
Criticizing
Finger pointing, judgements, communication, first minute of married conflict
Defensiveness
Communicating a desire to protect oneself against pain, fear, personal responsibility or new information
Stonewalling
An attempt to signal withdrawal from communication while, in fact, still being present in the interaction.
Contempt
Involves mockery, put downs, hostile corrections and nonverbal expressions of contempt. Puts one person over the other
Stop Criticizing by
Using “I” statements, describe the undesirable behavior, use neutral language, ask for specific behavior change
Stonewallers consist of 85% of
Men
Truncation
Shortening information by verbal and nonverbal communication
5 Conflict Patterns
Escalators spirals, avoidance spirals, attack/withdraw pattern, reciprocity of negative emotion, retaliation
Escalators spirals
Conflict gets out of hand (shift from useful to damaging)
Avoidance spirals
Attempt to be less dependent or devitalization (expect less and less)
Attack/withdraw pattern
attacker and withdrawer both facilitate lack of resolution
Reciprocity of negative emotion
Reinforcing negative turn taking
Retaliation
“Don’t get mad, get even”
2 types of attachment styles
Secure vs. Insecure
Life stressors are a contributing factor to temporary or permanent stress added to
Relationship dynamics
Worldview (Goldberg)
How you see the world, other people and your role, Affects approach to relationship and creates “shoulds”
- View of what’s real and important in the universe
- View of how people and objects should relate to each other
- View of what part of the universe is more valuable than another
- View of how people should act (ethical world view)
Destructive conflict
Characterized by lack of cooperation in dealing with differences; dismantles relationships without restoring them.
8 Negative views of conflict
- Harmony is normal, Conflict is not
- Conflict contributes a breakdown of communication
- Communication and disagreements are the same thing
- Conflict is a result of personal pathology
- Conflict should never be escalated
- Conflict interaction should be polite and orderly
- Anger is the only emotion in conflict interaction
- A correct method for resolving differences can be prescribed
4 Positive views of Conflict
- Conflict is inevitable; therefore, the constructive way approach conflict is as “a fact of life”
- Conflict serves the function of “bringing problems to the table”
- Conflict often helps people join together and clarify their goals
- Conflict can clear out resentments and help people understand each other
Avoidant Systems
Conflict doesn’t exist or it does, it is ignored.
Aggressive Systems
Being brutally honest regardless of impact, doesn’t back down, establishes position early.
Meta fighting
Sometimes we fight over how to fight. (Reframing the event)
Dangers of single focus is intent = impact, meaning that
The impact of someone’s actions depends on how the behaviors are interpreted by the other people involved.
Attributions
We make sense out of behavior by looking for causes. Internal and external attributions, self serving bias. Imagine two people in conflict with high self serving bias tendencies.
3 Aspects of Checking Perceptions
Description, Interpretation and Clarification
Description
Provide a description of observed behavior
Interpretation
Provide two possible interpretations of the behavior
Clarification
Request clarification from the person about the behavior and your interpretations
Intent does not equal
Impact
The impact of someone’s actions depends on how the behaviors are
Interpreted by others involved
Intent is
Separate
3 types of impacting filters
Events, Trauma and Background
Self Reinforcing
Without interaction with the other, the only information you have is what is going on in your own mind - your filter doesn’t have a chance to get corrected
Metaphors
- Conflict elicits such strong feelings that metaphors are in everyday speech
- Conflict metaphors reflect and create certain kinds of communication
- Danger metaphors imply that outcome is predetermined with little possibility
- Shows the worldview of the conflict and that which is contained inside it
Gender conflict filters
Gender club identification, affecting perceptions and interaction, developed biologically & socially, listening vs. lecturing, rapport talk vs. report talk, viewing self in relationship and self as independent.
Research by banks validates that humans are hardwired to be in
Relationships with others
When feeling powerless men tend to state their position and offer logical
Reasons to support it
Women are more interdependent and their approaches depend on
Sex of opponent
Women tend to see self-in
Relationship, with everyone affecting everyone else
Cultural filters
Our cultural filters influences our perception of others behaviors and therefore is a key to the attributions we make.
2 types of Conflict behavior cultures
Individualistic vs. Collectivistic
Most conflict participants initially lack goal clarity; they only discover their goals through experiencing
Conflicts with others
Goals can shift in an
Interaction
4 Types of Goals (T.R.I.P.)
Topic Goals
Relational Goals
Identity Goals
Process Goals
Topic Goals
Asks: what do we want?
Topic goals can be easily seen and talked about, easiest to identify and AKA substantive
Type 1: people want different things
Type 2: people want the same things
Relational Goals
Asks: who are we to each other?
Relational goals define how each party wants to be treated by the other., defines “us”, relational Goals seem hard to talk about and we are hesitant
Relational Goals are the heart of
Conflict interactions, yet hard to identify since each person attaches different meaning to experiences
4 aspects of Relational Goals
- Each statement carries a relational message
- We each translate or interpret relational messages different
- Relational interest carry more urgency than topic interests
- Our relational interests are triggering in reaction to our interpretation of the other’s behavior
Identity (Saving Face) Goals
Asks: Who am I in this interaction?
As conflicts increase in intensity, the parties shift to face saving as a key goal, face saving and giving is an issue in all cultures (EX: face saving in Asian cultures is crucial)
3 Face saving attempts (indexical):
Claim unjust intimidation, refuse to step back from a position, suppress conflict issues
Promoting Face (instrumental):
- Help others increase self esteem
- Avoid giving directives
- Listen carefully to others and their concerns
- Ask Questions
Process Goals
Asks: what communication process will be used?
Process goals vary culturally, different processes encourage or discourage creative solutions, process conflicts often change when individuals feel “heard”
Process Goals examples
Giving equal talk time, talking informally before deciding, not allowing children to speak, voting
Moving Targets
Changing goals in an interaction
Goals change in interaction in 3 ways:
- Prospective (before the interaction)
- Transactive (during the interaction)
- Retrospective (after the interaction)
A person frustrated over the content of the conflict will shift from
Content to process
Sometimes parties sacrifice topic goals to achieve
Relationship goals
Retrospective goals give us
Clarity
4 Goal Clarity Advantages:
- Solutions go unrecognized if you don’t know what you want
- Only clear goals can be shared
- Clear goals can be altered more easily than vague goals
- Clear goals are reached more often than unclear goals
Clarifying goals is a key step in
Conflict management
Estimate the other’s goals by
Truly learning about the other’s goals, faulty confidence risks accuracy, interactants “assume they know”
What can you do to check your assumptions?
Create a collaborative checklist where short, medium and long ranged issues are addressed and goals are behaviorally specific
