Don't Feel their pain, label it Flashcards
How can you separate people from the problem when…
Their emotions are the problem.
Specially when they’re scared people with guns.
For great negotiators, emotions are tools. Emotions are not obstacles,
they are the means.
Is it true that: There’s nothing more frustrating or disruptive to any negotiation than to get the feeling you’re talking to someone that isn’t listening.
True
Empathy is not about being nice or agreeing with the other side.
It’s about understanding them.
Labeling has a special advantage when your counterpart is tense. Exposing negative thoughts to daylight
“It looks like you don’t want to go back to jail” Make them seem less frightening.
What it happens when we label an emotion?
The activity of the fear coming from the amygdala, moves to the areas that governs rational thinking. In other words to a fear - disrupts its raw intensity
Labeling: Is a tactic, not a strategy.
Once you’ve spotted an emotion you want to higlight, the next step is to label it aloud. Labels can be phrased as statements or questions. The only difference is whether you end the sentence with a downward ou upward inflection.
ex:
a) It seems like…
b) It sounds like…
c) It looks like…
When labeling is ineffective:
When using “I”, the word “I” gets people’s guards up. When you say “I”, it says you’re more interested in yourself than the other person, and it makes you take personal responsibility for the words that follow - and the offense it might cause
If they say no:
You can always step back and say, “I didn’t say that was what it was. I just said it seems like.”
In human psychology, people’s emotions have two levels:
- The “presenting” behavior that is part above the surface you can see and hear;
- The “underlying” feelings is what motivates the behavior.
What good negotiators do with Labeling:
When labeling is addressing those underlying emotions. Labeling negatives diffused them (or defuses them, in extreme cases); labeling positives reinforces them.
Research shows that the best way to deal with negativity is to observe it, without reaction and without judgement.
Then consciously label each negative feeling and replace it with positive, compassionate and solution-based thoughts.
Is it true that: The faster we can interrupt the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats, the faster we can clear the road of obstacles, and the quicker we can generate feelings of safety, well being, and trust.
True
How to interrupt the amygdala’s reaction to real or imaginary threats?
We do that by labeling the fears. These labels are so powerful because they bathe the fears in sunlight, bleaching them of their power and showing our counterpart that we understand.
Girl Scout Cookie example with the immovable donor:
Fear of her money being misappropriated was the presenting dynamic - her very presence in the office was driven by very specific memories of being a little Girl Scout and how it changed her life.
“I’m sensing some hesitation with these projects.”
“It seems you’re really passionated about this gift and want to find the right project reflecting the opportunities and life-changing experiences the Girl Scouts gave you”…
after that, she said: “You understand me”
Do an Accusation Audit:
Prefaced the conversation by labeling my audience’s fear; how much worse can something be than “horrible”
“In case you’re worried about volunteering to role-play with me in front of the class, I want to tell you in advance… it’s going to be horrible.”
The Accusation Audit is also called:
“Taking the sting out”
The first step of doing so is listing every terrible thing your counterpart could say about you, in what I call an accusation audit.
Litigation means:
Taking legal action
Mark and Anna sit down to list the biggest possible accusations were easy to spot:
“You’re the typical prime contractor trying to force out the small guy”
“You promised us we would have all this work and you reneged on your promise”
“You could have told us about this issue weeks time ago to help us prepare.”
Anna on the day of the meeting:
Started acknowledging ABC’s biggest gripes.
“We understand that we brought you on board with the shared goal of having you lead this work.”
“You may feel like we have treated you unfairly, and that we changed the deal significantly since then. We acknowledge that you believe you were promised this work.”
“What else is there you feel is important to add to this?”
“It sounds like you think we are the big, bad prime contractor trying to push out the small business.”
“It sounds like you have a great handle on how the government contracts should work.”
What is the beauty of going right after the negatives?
Is that it brings us to a safe zone of empathy
Band, the riff:
Label, Tactical empathy, label. And only then a request.
A heated exchange can be used to your advantage
Your counterpart is desperate for an empathetic connection. Smile, and you’re already an improvement.
“Well, it seems like you’ve been handling the rough day pretty well”, he says
“I was also affected by the weather delays and missed my connecting flight. It seems like this flight is likely booked solid, but with what you said, maybe someone affected by the weather might miss this connection. Is there any possibility a seat will be open?”
