dad_jokes_cheesy_ed Flashcards
Joke Setup (Category)
Punchline
(Pun) My neighbour tiled my roof for free.
He said it was on the house.
(Situational) A guy walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing see‐through shorts.
The psychiatrist says: “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”
(Pun) I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary.
I learned next to nothing.
(Q&A) What do you call a ghost’s boobies?
Paranormal en-titties.
(Q&A) What do you call a failed gathering of crows?
An attempted murder.
(Situational) I took my eight‐year‐old daughter to work on Bring Your Child to Work Day.
She cried: “But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”
(Q&A) You know what happens if you don’t pay your exorcist?
You get repossessed.
(Pun) I made some fish tacos last night.
But they just ignored them and swam away.
(Q&A) Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
(Q&A) How do you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
(Pun) Seven has “even” in it.
That’s odd.
(Situational) I was in the supermarket when a guy threw a block of Cheddar at me.
Outraged, I shouted: “Well, that’s not very mature, is it?!”
(Q&A) What’s the worst thing about being an egg?
You only get laid once.
(Q&A) We all know 6 was scared of 7 because 7, 8, 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because you’re supposed to eat three squared meals a day.
(Q&A) What’s the most effective way to quit being vegan?
Cold turkey.
(Q&A) What should you do if you’re addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp.
(Q&A) If the earth was flat and fish swam over the edge, where would they go?
Trout-er space.
(One-liner) Common sense is like deodorant.
Those who need it never use it.
(Pun) I just quit my job at the helium factory.
I won’t be spoken to in that tone.
(Pun) I was driving home when a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
(Q&A) Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?
He’s fully recovered.
(One-liner) My dad told me he always struggled with three subjects in school.
One was maths, and he couldn’t remember the other one.
(Q&A) What do you call a snail in a boat?
A snailor.
(Pun) The World Health Organization declared that dogs can’t transmit coronavirus.
W.H.O. let the dogs out!
(Q&A) I was in New Mexico and a cowboy asked if I could help round up 18 cows.
“Yes, of course,” I said. “That would be 20 cows.”
(Q&A) What did one plate say to the other?
“Lunch is on me!”
(Pun) I trapped a couple of vegan burglars in my basement.
They kept shouting: “Lettuce leaf!”
(One-liner) If you sneeze and fart at the same time…
Your body takes a screenshot.
(Pun) When I was in college, I lived on a houseboat and dated the girl next door.
Eventually, we drifted apart.
(Pun) I’ve got some racing geese for sale.
Let me know if you want a quick gander.
(Q&A) Did you hear about the chameleon that couldn’t change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
(Q&A) What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another?
“Sorry, that’s my fault.”
(Pun) My friend put a potato in his swimming trunks and now the girls won’t leave him alone.
It didn’t work for me. Apparently, you’re meant to put it down the front.
(Q&A) What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
(One-liner) Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
(Pun) I’d been a bee-keeper for years, but then my crush said, “It’s me or those nasty insects – make up your mind.”
At first I didn’t think she was serious. Then I saw her face. Now I’m a bee-leaver.
(Q&A) Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can’t handle the stakes.
(Pun) I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
She hasn’t noticed yet, but the thyme is cumin.
(Q&A) What’s the perfect tool for making a good Indian flatbread?
It’s a naan-stick pan.
(Pun) Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I’m not joking, but he is.
(Pun) I told my suitcases we wouldn’t be going anywhere this year because of the pandemic.
Now I’m having to put up with a lot of emotional baggage.
(Q&A) What do you call a slow bullet?
A slug.
(Pun) I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs.
I called it the second-hand second hand store.
(Pun) It’s OK if you have no idea what “prefix” means.
It’s not the end of the word.
(Q&A) My wife said, ‘Hey, you missed a right!’
I replied, ‘Thanks, babe. You MRS Right.’
(Q&A) What do you do if you’re attacked by a mob of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
(Pun) My college nickname was ‘The Love Machine.’
It was because I sucked at tennis.
(Q&A) What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Wander Woman.
(Q&A) If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate and the other…
Dupli-Kate.
(One-liner) I think my phone is broken.
I pressed the “home” button, but I’m still at work.
(Q&A) My great-uncle died while making butter on his farm.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
(One-liner) My friends and I are in a band called Bedsheets.
We’re a covers band.
(Q&A) What do you call a bunch of crows inside a tent?
Murder within tent.
(One-liner) Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?
Luckily, I’m in the other 5%.
(Q&A) What lies on the ground, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
(One-liner) If I don’t perfect human cloning…
I won’t be able to live with myself.
(Q&A) I ran out of toilet paper and had to wipe with lettuce leaves.
Today was the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow? That romaines to be seen.
(Q&A) A small meteorite is reportedly headed for Legoland.
The damage is expected to be 50 square blocks.
(Q&A) Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
(Q&A) Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they got into a fight and 2021.
(One-liner) My wife dressed as a police officer and arrested me for being good in bed.
After two minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
(One-liner) A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff…
Baa-dumm-tsss.
(Q&A) What type of cake makes you stop having sex?
Wedding cake.
(One-liner) I just read a book about the history of glue.
Couldn’t put it down.
(One-liner) My wife tried to take a selfie in the sauna but it was too blurry.
She has selfie steam issues.
(Q&A) Two goldfish are in a tank; one says,
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
(One-liner) A man knocked on my door asking for a donation for the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
(One-liner) If he can’t appreciate your jokes about fruit…
You need to let that mango!
(One-liner) Scientists confirmed that anteaters can’t contract coronavirus.
Apparently, they’re filled with anty-bodies.
(Q&A) I went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees.
The shopkeeper gave me 13: “You’ve given me one too many. The extra one is a freebie.”
(Q&A) What’s a cannibal’s favourite game?
Swallow the leader.
(Q&A) Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
(Q&A) What did the cannibal’s wife say when he came home late for dinner?
I’m giving you the cold shoulder.
(One-liner) My wife is like a newspaper.
There’s a new issue every day.
(One-liner) Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
(Q&A) Why did the sad ghost use an elevator?
To lift his spirits.
(Q&A) What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie while the other prowls on the hairy.
(Q&A) What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean.
(One-liner) I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.
It’s nice to have some company.
(One-liner) I walked into a bank and shouted, ‘This is a stick up!’
(Q&A) Where do lizards go to fix their fallen tails?
The retail shop.
(One-liner) Dentists ask, ‘When was the last time you flossed?’
Bro – you were there!
(One-liner) I asked my wife for an audiobook this Christmas.
She got me an encyclopaedia instead. That speaks volumes.
(Q&A) How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 8lb 2oz?
They had a weigh in a manger.
(One-liner) A guy died from laughing too much.
It was manslaughter.
(Q&A) What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat.
(One-liner) My friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off my unicorn.
(One-liner) There are many cities in France, like Paris, Marseilles or Lyon.
But there’s only one city that’s Nice.
(Q&A) My son asked, ‘Do you wanna break?’
I said, ‘Why? We haven’t even started yet!’
(Q&A) Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He won the no-bell prize.
(Q&A) How do dancers ensure job stability during the COVID-19 crisis?
They twerk from home.
(Q&A) What do you call a zombie who cooks stir-fries?
Dead man wok-ing.
(One-liner) Don’t worry about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
(One-liner) There’s a new restaurant named Karma.
It doesn’t have a menu. You just get what you deserve.
(One-liner) I spent $80 on a belt that didn’t fit.
My wife said it was a huge waist.
(One-liner) I was at the museum and saw a painting of a bowl with milk and food inside.
It was surreal.
(One-liner) Do you remember when people started buying up all the toilet paper?
They were really losing their shit.
(Q&A) What do you call a zombified piece of toast?
The un-bread.
(One-liner) Believing in 12.5% of the Bible makes you an eighth-theist.
(One-liner) When I die, I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, just like my granddad.
Not screaming hysterically like his passengers.
(One-liner) Farting in a packed elevator …
It’s wrong on so many levels.
(One-liner) I want to dedicate this dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So, Dad, if you’re up there …
(Q&A) How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code.
(Q&A) What happens to an egg every time you look at it?
It becomes egg-sighted.
(Situational) On my first day as a waiter, I asked a customer, ‘Sir, how would you like your steak?’
The customer said, ‘Well done.’ I replied, ‘Thanks, that means a lot. I was terribly nervous earlier.’
(One-liner) Our friend Chuck hasn’t contacted us for months, so we renamed him Huck.
Because long time, no C.
(Situational) A man buys one banana, one apple, and two eggs.
The cashier says, ‘You must be single.’ The man replies, ‘Wow, how did you know that?’ The cashier says, ‘Because you’re ugly.’
(Q&A) How do locomotives hear?
Through the engineers.
(Q&A) What do snails become when they die?
Escarghosts.
(Q&A) What do you call a participation trophy in astronomy?
A constellation prize.
(One-liner) Before my surgery, the anaesthetist gave me a choice.
It was an ether/oar situation.
(One-liner) My wife said she’s leaving me because I’m obsessed with tennis and too old.
I said, ‘I’m only 40, love.’
(Q&A) Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
(One-liner) I’m allergic to bread, but I eat it anyway.
I’m a gluten for punishment.
(Q&A) What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator.
(One-liner) Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
(One-liner) I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic.
It’s syncing now.
(One-liner) My friend Barry drew a picture of me.
I Drew Barrymore.
(One-liner) My girlfriend wants me to choose between her and my career as a reporter.
I have some breaking news for her.
(Q&A) If a group of dolphins is called a pod and crows a murder, what is a group of small children called?
Annoying.
(One-liner) I asked my wife to rate my listening skills.
She said, ‘You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.’ I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
(One-liner) I asked a waitress about the menu in a restaurant.
She slapped me and said, ‘The men I please are none of your business!’
(One-liner) My wife wanted to brighten up the garden, so I planted some bulbs.
(Q&A) What do you call a bacterial disease caused by a pair of grizzlies?
Two-bear-culosis.
(One-liner) I was struggling to get my wife’s attention, so I sat down and looked comfortable.
That did the trick.
(One-liner) A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.
Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.
(One-liner) A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.
I got out of bed to look with him.
(Q&A) What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
Teapot.
(One-liner) I just heard that Kim Jong-un is sick.
I guess that makes him Kim Jong-ill.
(Q&A) How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Easy: one will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
(One-liner) I was attacked by 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.
The odds were against me.
(Q&A) What does a house wear?
Address.
(Situational) I tried to get into a trendy London nightclub.
The doorman said, ‘Sorry mate, you’ve had too many.’ When I asked, he replied, ‘No, birthdays!’
(Q&A) What do you call a dinosaur that uses cheap toilet paper?
Mega-sore-ass.
(One-liner) My bank called to notify me of an outstanding balance.
I said, ‘Thanks! I used to do gymnastics,’ and hung up the phone.
(One-liner) I tripped in Paris.
Eiffel over.
(One-liner) An Englishman, a Spanish man, a Frenchman and a German went to a club.
They said: ‘Yes. Oui. Sí. Ja.’
(One-liner) My wife just completed a 40-week body-building programme.
It’s a girl and weighs 7lb 12oz.
(One-liner) The pulley is the most egotistical of all machines.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
(One-liner) My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon.
The Chinese authorities refused to recognize Ty Won.
(One-liner) My girlfriend asked me to name all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name.
(One-liner) My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors separated him.
I have an uncle, once removed.
(One-liner) My doctor said I might die from consuming clay.
I’m shitting bricks, to be honest.
(One-liner) Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and pondered Y?
(Q&A) What’s heavier: a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
Water, because butane is a lighter fuel.
(Q&A) What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemon-aid.
(One-liner) I have a perfect memory.
I can’t remember a single time I’ve ever forgotten anything.
(One-liner) When my wife caught me on the bathroom scales sucking in my stomach, she said, ‘That’s not going to help!’
I replied, ‘Sure it does, it’s the only way I can see the numbers.’
(One-liner) Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar.
Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a penny in – it’s currently half empty.
(One-liner) Did you hear the one about the giant throwing up?
It’s all over town.
(Q&A) Did you hear about the guy who’s left side was cut off?
He’s all right now.
(One-liner) Today I was in the bank when two men in masks came in.
Everyone felt relieved when they told us it was only a bank robbery.
(Q&A) What is ‘muffins’ spelled backwards?
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
(Q&A) How does a computer get drunk?
It takes screenshots.
(One-liner) My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca? Not so much.
(Situational) I introduced my young daughter as Beth.
When asked what Beth was short for, I replied, ‘Because she’s only three.’
(One-liner) After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.
Every time I walk by, she says, ‘What an ass!’
(Situational) A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow if he can say something.
He says, ‘Bargain,’ and she replies, ‘That means a great deal.’
(One-liner) I told my wife I’d like to die having sex.
She replied, ‘Well, at least it’ll be quick.’
(One-liner) Did you know I like dad jokes about eyes?
The cornea, the better.
(Q&A) What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing. They fast.
(One-liner) My wife blocked me on Facebook for posting too many bird puns.
Well, toucan play at that game.
(Q&A) What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
(Q&A) Why did the lion cross the road?
To stop the zebra crossing.
(One-liner) I got a new job at the guillotine factory.
I’ll beheading there shortly.
(One-liner) Did you hear about the yacht builder who had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof.
(One-liner) I bought a second-hand time machine next Sunday.
They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
(Q&A) What did I say when my wife complained about revolving doors?
“Don’t worry, you’ll come around eventually.”
(Q&A) Finland has just closed its borders.
No one will be crossing the Finnish line.
(Q&A) What kind of tea do rich people buy?
Property.
(One-liner) A female janitor invited me to smoke weed at her apartment.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
(Q&A) A guy named Bart walked into a bar and got shot. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
(One-liner) If I had a penny for everyone who asked me to look after their dogs, I’d have a pound.
(Q&A) What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
(Q&A) What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
(Q&A) What do pigs and ink have in common?
They both belong in a pen.
(One-liner) My wife claims that camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
(Q&A) What do you call a pure bread dog?
His name is Fi-dough.
(Q&A) What do you call a group of chubby newborns?
Heavy infantry.
(One-liner) Student loans, you got me through college.
I don’t think I can ever repay you.
(One-liner) I got in touch with my inner self today.
That’s the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
(One-liner) My son just became a priest!
From now on he wants me to call him “father”.
(Q&A) What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo.
(Q&A) What do you call it when your mother’s sisters all gather at a funeral?
Vigil aunties.
(One-liner) I pinned a Rolex to the post outside my house.
It’s the neighbourhood watch.
(One-liner) When my father dies, he wants his ashes pressed into a record.
It was his vinyl request.
(One-liner) You know what makes me throw up?
A dartboard on a ceiling.
(One-liner) My ex-girlfriend wants us to get back together.
I sure am LUCKY! First I win the lottery and now THIS!
(One-liner) You’ve heard of alphabet soup.
Now get ready for Times New Ramen!
(One-liner) My wallet is like an onion.
When I open it, it makes me cry.
(Q&A) What was the most groundbreaking invention of all time?
The shovel.
(One-liner) Since everyone started washing their hands…
The peanuts in the pub have really lost their flavour.
(One-liner) Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job.
(One-liner) I took a Viagra this morning, but it got stuck in my throat.
I’ve had a stiff neck all day.
(One-liner) I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
I just say, ‘Y’know. Stuff.’
(Q&A) What did I say at a blacksmith’s interview when asked if I was any good at shoeing horses?
I said, ‘No, but I once told a donkey to piss off.’
(One-liner) At a job interview, I filled my glass of water until it overflowed.
When asked if I was nervous, I said, ‘I always give 110 per cent.’
(One-liner) Self-isolation is so bad I’m starting to get a crush on my roommate.
And we’ve been married for more than 20 years.
(One-liner) I purchased a world map and gave my wife a dart, saying I’d take her where it lands.
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.
(Q&A) A guy walks into his doctor’s office and says, ‘Help me, doctor, I’m shrinking.’
The doctor replies, ‘Hold on, be a little patient.’
(One-liner) Single man with toilet rolls seeks single woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
(Q&A) What do you call a girl who sets fire to bank loans?
Bernadette.
(One-liner) We all know Murphy’s Law, but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
(One-liner) John Travolta tested negative for coronavirus.
Turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever.
(Q&A) What do metals call their friends?
Their chromies.
(One-liner) If you think Thursdays are depressing, wait two days.
Then it will be a sadder day.
(One-liner) An invisible man married an invisible woman.
The kids weren’t much to look at.
(One-liner) My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world.
I’m not buying it.
(Q&A) How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G and it’s gone.
(One-liner) My wife asked me to treat her like when we first started dating.
So I took her out and dropped her off at her parents’ place.
(One-liner) I ran out of toilet paper and had to use old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
(One-liner) According to my therapist, I have trouble verbalizing my emotions.
I can’t say I’m surprised.
(Q&A) What’s cooler than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
(One-liner) I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off and I found a foot inside.
So I called a toe-truck.
(One-liner) The nurse at the sperm bank asked if I was ready to masturbate in the cup.
I said, ‘I’m pretty good, but not ready to compete just yet.’
(One-liner) I accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book.
It’s embarrassing and cost me a fortune in stamps!
(One-liner) Next summer I’m applying for a job cleaning mirrors.
It’s something I can really see myself doing.
(One-liner) I was looking at our ceiling the other day.
It’s not the best, but it’s up there.
(Q&A) What do you call a girl who hid drugs in her bra?
It led to a bigger bust.
(One-liner) Did you know a school of piranhas can devour a child in 30 seconds?
Anyway, today I lost my job at the aquarium.
(Q&A) What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo.
(One-liner) My girlfriend couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.
In the end, it Taurus apart.
(One-liner) I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne.”
(Q&A) What’s the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches while the other watches cells.
(Q&A) What do you call a little boy who’s half French and half Scottish?
A oui lad.
(Q&A) Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
Because the captain was standing on the deck.
(One-liner) An elderly couple in church: the wife says she let out a silent fart.
The husband says, ‘Change the battery in your hearing aid.’
(One-liner) My wife told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
(One-liner) I got fired from my job because I kept asking customers if they wanted ‘smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’.
Apparently, the correct terms are ‘cremation’ and ‘burial’.
(One-liner) Does anybody remember that joke I told about my spine?
It was about a weak back.
(One-liner) I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.
(One-liner) I got mugged by six dwarves last night.
Not happy.
(Q&A) What did Luke say to Han and Leia when they split up?
May divorce be with you.
(One-liner) They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But to date I’ve made three jugs and a vase, and they’re lovely.
