best_worst_dad_jokes Flashcards
1
Q
Joke Setup (Category)
A
Punchline
2
Q
(One-liner) A store owner fought off a robber using only his labeling gun.
A
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
3
Q
(Pun) There was a time when I couldn’t pay the electric bill.
A
It was the darkest time in my life.
4
Q
(Pun) I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
A
I guess I should have put it on aloha temperature.
5
Q
(Q&A) What do you call a hippie’s wife?
A
Mississippi.
6
Q
(Pun) I named my dogs Rolex and Timex.
A
They’re my watch dogs.
7
Q
(Q&A) Kid: Have you seen my sunglasses?
A
Dad: No, have you seen my dad glasses?
8
Q
(Pun) The first French fries weren’t really cooked in France.
A
They were cooked in Greece.
9
Q
(Q&A) Did you hear about the guy who invented Tic Tacs?
A
They say he made a mint.
10
Q
(One-liner) I’m reading a book on antigravity.
A
I can’t put it down.
11
Q
(Pun) I told my wife to embrace her mistakes.
A
She came over and gave me a hug.
12
Q
(Q&A) Dad: Son, I got you a dictionary for your birthday. Kid: Gee thanks, Dad. I don’t know what to say.
A
Dad: I know. That’s why I got it for you.
13
Q
(Q&A) Dad: Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? Daughter: Please, Dad, no . . .
A
Dad: They each got six months.
14
Q
(Q&A) What’s a foot’s favorite snack?
A
Dori-toes.
15
Q
(Pun) No matter how much you push the envelope.
A
It’s still stationary.
16
Q
(Q&A) What do you call a factory that makes average stuff?
A
A satis-factory.
17
Q
(Q&A) What do you call a lonely cheese?
A
Prov-alone.
18
Q
(Q&A) Son: Dad, what is irony?
A
Dad: The opposite of wrinkly.
19
Q
(Pun) I opened my shoe store for only large-sized shoes.
A
It was no small feat.
20
Q
(Q&A) Why do melons have weddings?
A
’Cause they cantaloupe!
21
Q
(Q&A) What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
A
Towels.
22
Q
(Q&A) Kid: My dad’s a kleptomaniac. Friend: Is he taking anything for it?
A
23
Q
(Pun) A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.25 in the Bahamas.
A
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
24
Q
(One-liner) I needed a password eight characters long.
A
So I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
25
(One-liner) I don’t have a dad bod; I have a father figure.
26
(Q&A) Did you hear about the policeman who opened a gardening service?
He called it Lawn Order.
27
(Q&A) Why did the school put their cafeteria on the second floor?
They wanted to take lunch to the next level.
28
(Q&A) Where do post office workers go on vacation?
Parcel-ona.
29
(Q&A) Guy: I tried to make a date with the librarian. Friend: What happened?
Guy: She was already booked.
30
(Pun) Got hit with a bottle of omega-3 tablets yesterday. I’m okay.
My injuries were super fish oil.
31
(One-liner) My fear of moving stairs is escalating.
32
(Pun) I love my fingers; I can always count on them.
33
(Pun) Someone stole my lamp.
Now I’m delighted.
34
(Q&A) Dad: Look at that flock of cows over there. Daughter: Herd of cows.
Dad: Of course I’ve heard of cows. There’s a whole flock of them over there.
35
(One-liner) I childproofed my house, but the kids still figured out how to get in.
36
(Q&A) Where does a cakemaker grow up?
Bakersfield.
37
(Q&A) What do you call a fish with two knees?
A two-knee fish!
38
(Q&A) Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was out standing in his field.
39
(Q&A) Why did the clock get kicked out of class?
It tocked too much.
40
(One-liner) I went to the air and space museum.
There was nothing there.
41
(Q&A) Dad: Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? Kid: I don’t want to know.
Dad: He just couldn’t see himself doing it.
42
(Q&A) Did you hear the joke about quicksand?
It takes a long time to sink in.
43
(Q&A) Why does the composer work in bed?
He’s composing sheet music.
44
(Q&A) What do you call an empty can of Cheez Whiz?
Cheese was.
45
(Q&A) How do you stay warm in any room?
Go to the corner—it’s always 90 degrees.
46
(One-liner) There’s a brand-new kind of broom.
It’s sweeping the nation!
47
(Q&A) Do you think jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish?
48
(Pun) My friend likes to take the elevator, but I like to take the escalator.
I guess we were raised differently.
49
(Pun) Your mom didn’t think I could build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.
50
(Q&A) What do you call a pup living in Alaska?
A chilly dog.
51
(Q&A) What do ants get when they finish all their chores?
Their allow-ants.
52
(One-liner) I called the tinnitus helpline.
It just kept ringing.
53
(Pun) I hired a limousine, but the driver never showed up.
I paid all that money and had nothing to chauffeur it.
54
(One-liner) I’m anxious about starting my new job at the restaurant.
I can’t wait.
55
(Q&A) Dad: Did you hear about my new groundbreaking invention? Son: No, what is it?
Dad: A shovel.
56
(Pun) Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me.
Snickers.
57
(Pun) I’m giving away my broken guitar.
No strings attached.
58
(One-liner) I for one like Roman numerals.
59
(Pun) People think I’m a good singer. They tell me I should sing solo.
Solo they can’t hear me.
60
(Pun) Or they think I should sing tenor.
Tenor twelve miles away from here.
61
(Pun) If you turn a canoe over, you can wear it as a hat.
That’s because it’s capsized.
62
(Pun) When I’m hungry for candy at work, it’s never a problem ’cause I always have a few Twix up my sleeve.
63
(Pun) I tell dad jokes, but I have no kids.
Guess I’m a faux pa!
64
(Pun) I know a lot of jokes about retired people.
But none of them work.
65
(Q&A) What do Santa’s elves listen to as they work?
Wrap music!
66
(Situational) The optimist says the glass is half full. The pessimist says the glass is half empty. The mom says, 'Why didn’t you use a coaster?'
67
(Pun) I’m always suspicious of trees on sunny days.
Maybe it’s just me, but they seem shady.
68
(Q&A) What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta!
69
(One-liner) I burned 2,000 calories today.
I left my dinner in the oven too long.
70
(Pun) I never buy anything made of Velcro.
It’s a total rip-off.
71
(Pun) If you want to get a job at a moisturizer factory,
you have to apply daily.
72
(Q&A) What’s the world’s largest punctuation mark?
The 100-yard dash.
73
(Q&A) What’s a monkey’s favorite Christmas song?
Jungle Bells.
74
(Q&A) How do moths swim?
They use the butterfly stroke.
75
(Pun) I got really mad at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.
I said, 'Mark, my words!'
76
(Q&A) Did you hear about the dating site in Prague?
It’s called Czech-mate.
77
(Pun) My pillow fell off the bed and hit the floor really hard.
You think it might have a con-cushion?
78
(One-liner) The motel tried to charge me 10 extra dollars for air conditioning.
I told them that wasn’t cool.
79
(Q&A) What do college professors snack on?
Academia nuts.
80
(One-liner) Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a dictionary?
He didn’t breathe a word of it to anyone.
81
(Q&A) What do you call a cat who lives in an igloo?
An Eski-mew.
82
(Q&A) Dad: Why did the cannonball lose its job? Daughter: Don’t, Dad, don’t!
Dad: 'Curses! Foil again!'
83
(One-liner) I’m so diligent that last week I stayed up all night studying for a blood test.
84
(Q&A) Son: Dad, may I join the track team?
Dad: Run that by me again.
85
(Q&A) Dad: Excuse me, how much is a room? Hotel Clerk: $150 a night. Dad: Do you take children?
Hotel Clerk: Nope. Just cash or credit cards.
86
(One-liner) I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention!
87
(Q&A) Where do TVs go on vacation?
To remote places.
88
(One-liner) I get carried away sometimes.
Usually because I refuse to leave!
89
(Q&A) What do you call a guy lying on your front step?
Matt.
90
(Q&A) What do they call the time in history when nerds ruled the land?
The Dork Ages.
91
(Q&A) Teacher: Okay, Jimmy, be honest. Your parents helped you with your homework, right?
Jimmy: No, they did it all by themselves!
92
(Q&A) A woman walks into a shop and says, 'I think I need a stronger prescription for my glasses.'
The guy behind the counter says, 'I’ll say! This is a bakery.'
93
(Q&A) I just saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, 'What’s the word on the street?'
94
(Q&A) Dad: What did the tin man say when he got run over by a steamroller? Daughter: It’s okay, Dad. We don’t want to know.
Dad: 'Curses! Foil again!'
95
(Pun) I’m thinking of moving to Moscow.
But there’s no point in Russian into things.
96
(Pun) Turning vegan would be a big missed steak.
97
(Pun) Bye, bye, boiling water.
You will be mist.
98
(Pun) Be nice to your dentist.
After all, he has fillings too.
99
(Q&A) What do you do when someone’s been injured in a peekaboo accident?
Take them to the ICU.
100
(Q&A) Why did the police officer cry while he was writing a ticket?
It was a moving violation.
101
(Q&A) What’s one thing you’ll get on your birthday, guaranteed?
A year older.
102
(One-liner) I’d grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.
103
(Q&A) What do you say to a rabbit on its birthday?
Hoppy birthday.
104
(Q&A) Why don’t pirates shower before they walk the plank?
Because they’ll just wash up on shore later.
105
(Q&A) What do you call a banker in the Old West who set up loans for people?
The Loan Arranger.
106
(Q&A) Dad: What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? Kid: Dad, don’t.
Dad: The tur-key.
107
(One-liner) Just failed my karate exam.
I could kick myself.
108
(Q&A) What did the broccoli say to the celery?
'Quit stalking me!'
109
(One-liner) I joined a support group for compulsive talkers.
It’s called On and On Anon.
110
(Q&A) Dad: What did one egg say to the other one? Daughter: Please, Dad.
Dad: 'The yolk’s on you!'
111
(Q&A) Dad: What did one egg say to the other one?
(Continued joke)
112
(Q&A) Dad: What did that egg joke do?
It really cracked us up.
113
(Q&A) Dad: I can tell that bike is quite a thinker. Son: Why is that?
Dad: I can see the wheels turning.
114
(Q&A) Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
Because there are thousands of fans inside.
115
(Q&A) How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buck an ear.
116
(One-liner) I’d like to thank all the sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
117
(One-liner) People tell me my job as a waiter isn’t very good.
But, hey, it puts food on the table.
118
(Q&A) What kind of tree can you carry in one hand?
A palm tree.
119
(Q&A) What did one DNA strand say to the other?
'Do these genes make me look fat?'
120
(One-liner) Two antennas met, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
121
(Q&A) Why can’t the music teacher start his car?
His keys are on the piano.
122
(One-liner) Yesterday I spent 20 minutes fixing a broken clock.
At least I thought it was 20 minutes.
123
(Q&A) Where does Superman’s wife drive?
In the Lois Lane.
124
(Q&A) Why do Scottish people always have plumbing issues?
’Cause they only have bagpipes.
125
(One-liner) I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey.
But then I turned myself around.
126
(Q&A) What do you call a kid who doesn’t like math class?
A calcu-hater.
127
(Q&A) Where should a dog never go shopping?
A flea market.
128
(Q&A) What do planets like to read?
Comet books.
129
(Q&A) Kid: My dad’s a realtor, and he’s really strong. Friend: Really?
Kid: Yeah, he can flip a house all by himself.
130
(Q&A) Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
They’re a little meteor.
131
(Q&A) Why did ancient Egyptians shave their heads?
To be more pharaoh-dynamic.
132
(One-liner) For so long, I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang.
But then it came back to me.
133
(Pun) She lost her job at the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
She loved the pastry chef but always feared he’d dessert her.
134
(Q&A) Dad: Do you want to hear a joke backward? Kid: Sure.
Dad: Okay, start laughing.
135
(One-liner) Financially, I’m set for life.
Provided I never buy anything ever again.
136
(Q&A) What do people like to wear in England?
Tea-shirts.
137
(Q&A) What has six feet and sings?
A musical trio.
138
(One-liner) I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for Children,'
and I thought that sounded like a fair trade.
139
(Q&A) Why did the sesame seed keep telling jokes?
It was on a roll.
140
(Q&A) Why did the guy start selling yeast?
He wanted to raise some dough.
141
(Q&A) What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
142
(Q&A) How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With tyrannosaurus checks.
143
(Q&A) Dad: What happens when you touch a window? Son: I don’t know. What?
Dad: You feel the pane.
144
(One-liner) Whenever I’m putting the car in reverse, I think, 'Ah, this takes me back.'
145
(One-liner) A storm blew off 25 percent of my roof last night.
Oof.
146
(One-liner) Your mom accused me of having zero empathy.
I can’t understand how she can feel that way.
147
(One-liner) My kid is obsessed with counting, so I sent him to his room.
I wonder what he’s up to now.
148
(One-liner) It’s hard to explain puns to a kleptomaniac.
They always take things literally.
149
(Q&A) Kid: Is this pool safe for diving?
Dad: It deep ends.
150
(Q&A) Why did you bring your sketchbook to bed?
I wanted to draw the curtains.
151
(Q&A) Dad: I’m reading some books on plants. Mom: Botany?
Dad: No, I got them from the library.
152
(Q&A) Patient: Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’m convinced I’m a needle and thread! Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: Sew-sew.
153
(Q&A) What steals your stuff while you’re in the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
154
(Pun) A ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying purple paint.
Both crews have been marooned.
155
(One-liner) I keep dreaming I’m in a clothes dryer.
I toss and turn all night.
156
(Q&A) Dad: The ducks at the park keep trying to bite our dog. Kid: Why?
Dad: He’s a pure bread.
157
(Pun) I was living on a houseboat when I fell in love with the girl next door.
Sadly, we began to drift apart.
158
(Q&A) Why does a grape make a great mom?
Because she loves raisin’ children.
159
(Q&A) What do you get if a hen lays an egg on the top of a hill?
Eggrolls.
160
(Q&A) Mom: Why do you have that rubber band around your head?
Dad: I’m trying to make snap decisions.
161
(Q&A) What do you call an average ancient Greek?
Mediocrities.
162
(Q&A) What fish performs operations at the fish clinic?
The sturgeon.
163
(Pun) I’m going to become a candlemaker.
It’s so easy. They only work on wick ends.
164
(Q&A) How can you make sure you never wake up sleepy and grumpy?
Just don’t have a sleepover with the seven dwarfs.
165
(Q&A) What did the hamburger name his daughter?
Patty.
166
(Q&A) What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
167
(Pun) I couldn’t believe it when the highway department called my dad a thief.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
168
(Q&A) Why is England so wet?
Because the Queen has reigned there for years.
169
(One-liner) Did you hear about the corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
170
(One-liner) The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they’re going to give him a really tough sentence.
171
(Pun) I really wanted to become a monk.
But I never got the chants.
172
(Q&A) Patient: Doctor, you’ve got to help me! I’m convinced I’m a cocker spaniel! Psychiatrist: Come in and lie down on the couch.
Patient: I can’t! I’m not allowed on the furniture!
173
(One-liner) My doctor told me to play 18 holes every day.
So I took up the harmonica.
174
(One-liner) Did you hear about the missing barber?
Police are combing the city.
175
(Q&A) Dad: I fell off a 30-foot ladder yesterday. Friend: Wow! Are you okay?
Dad: Yeah, I was just on the second rung.
176
(Q&A) What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
177
(One-liner) Your mom told me to buy a telescope since I’m so into astronomy.
I told her I’d look into it.
178
(One-liner) Mom says I have two faults: I don’t listen and something else.
179
(Pun) Spent $100 on a new belt and it doesn’t even fit.
What a huge waist.
180
(Q&A) Dad: I could never be a plumber. Son: Why not?
Dad: I can’t imagine watching your entire life’s work go down the drain.
181
(Q&A) What did the band leader name his twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two . . .
182
(One-liner) Did you hear about the guy who was caught stealing a barbecue?
The cops really grilled him.
183
(Q&A) What goes down but never comes up?
A yo.
184
(Q&A) What did the pirate get on his report card?
Seven C’s.
185
(Q&A) What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the Prince of Wales?
One is thrown in the air, and the other is heir to the throne.
186
(One-liner) Went to buy some camouflage pants this morning but couldn’t find any.
187
(Q&A) Son: Can I borrow a bookmark?
Dad: Sure, but my name is Brian.
188
(Q&A) Where do birds invest their money?
The stork market.
189
(Q&A) How did the monkey like his lunch?
He went bananas.
190
(One-liner) I lost another audiobook.
Now I’ll never hear the end of it.
191
(Q&A) Where do cats wait to pay their bills?
In the fee line.
192
(Q&A) Mom: Honey, if you don’t stop snoring, I’m going to toss you out on your ear! Dad: Does it really bother you that much?
Mom: Not just me, the entire congregation!
193
(Pun) What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
194
(One-liner) You know who was faster than Bruce Lee?
His brother Sudden.
195
(Q&A) What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble O Seven.
196
(One-liner) Good news! I finished my 14-day diet in just 3 hours!
197
(One-liner) Just read a book about falling down stairs.
It’s a step-by-step guide.
198
(Pun) Just found out I’m color-blind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
199
(Q&A) Kid: Dad, is this safe to eat?
Dad: No, son, it’s for storing our valuables.
200
(Pun) The guy who plays the triangle in our band is leaving.
Thanks for every ting.
201
(Pun) I gave my handyman a list of things I needed him to do, but he only did numbers 1, 3, and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.
202
(Q&A) Dad: Why did the small pepper put on a sweater? Daughter: Please, Dad, no . . .
Dad: He was a little chili.
203
(Pun) If you boil your funny bone, does that make it a laughingstock?
Thought that was humerus.
204
(Q&A) What’s the fastest liquid in the world?
Milk! It’s pasteurized before you can even see it!
205
(One-liner) Mom asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I said, 'I didn’t know he could.'
206
(Q&A) What does a baby computer call its father?
Data!
207
(One-liner) Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll!
208
(Pun) I took care of rabbits for a while, but I quit ’cause I got scared.
It was a hare-raising experience.
209
(One-liner) I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
210
(Pun) They recently discovered a 2,000-year-old oil stain.
It’s from ancient Greece.
211
(Q&A) How do you watch a fly-fishing tournament?
You livestream it.
212
(One-liner) You know how to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
You’ll see one later and one in a while.
213
(Q&A) What do you call 50 pigs and 50 deer?
A hundred sows and bucks.
214
(Q&A) A woman walks into a nice restaurant and speaks to the maître d’. Maître d’: Do you have reservations?
Diner: No, I’m confident I want to eat here.
215
(Pun) I just got back from a protest in support of John Deere.
You could say I’m protractor.
216
(Q&A) Why did the raisin go out with the prune?
’Cause he couldn’t find a date.
217
(Pun) I’m working on inventing a pencil with an eraser on both ends.
But, hmmm, I just don’t see the point.
218
(One-liner) My dad used to say, 'Don’t worry, it could be worse. I mean, you could be stuck underground in a hole filled with water.'
I know he meant well.
219
(Pun) I got fired from my job in the kitchen for stealing utensils.
It was a whisk I was willing to take.
220
(Q&A) Kid: Dad, I want to become an archaeologist.
Dad: No, son, I don’t want to see your life in ruins.
221
(Q&A) Why did the football coach hit the vending machine?
He wanted to get his quarterback.
222
(One-liner) I love elevator jokes.
They work on so many levels.
223
(Q&A) How do lawyers say goodbye?
'I’ll be suing you!'
224
(Q&A) What state has the most streets?
Rhode Island.
225
(One-liner) Did you hear that the Terminator retired?
Guess he’s the Exterminator now.
226
(Pun) Dogs can’t operate MRI machines.
But CAT scan.
227
(One-liner) I told my doctor I keep hearing a buzzing.
He said it’s just a bug going around.
228
(Q&A) What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?
A Lamb-orghini.
229
(One-liner) When I was little, my dad told me I could be anybody I wanted to be.
Turns out this is called identity theft.
230
(Q&A) Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
231
(Pun) Our neighborhood baker stopped making donuts.
He said he got tired of the hole thing.
232
(One-liner) I decided to do more reading this year, so I put subtitles on my TV.
233
(Pun) Ah, all my winter fat is gone.
Now I have spring rolls.
234
(One-liner) A well-balanced diet . . . is a burger in each hand.
235
(Q&A) What did the counselor say to the sandpaper?
'Don’t be so rough on yourself.'
236
(One-liner) Kleptomaniacs think the best things in life are free.
237
(Q&A) Why was the teacher upset with the Xerox machine?
She caught it copying someone else’s paper.
238
(One-liner) The four seasons are all different.
Summer warmer than others.
239
(Q&A) What’s the best snack to eat during a scary movie?
Ice cream!
240
(Pun) I tried running a dating site for chickens.
But it was hard making hens meet.
241
(Q&A) Kid: Can I have a loan? Dad: No, son. Money doesn’t grow on trees, you know. Kid: So then why do banks have branches? Dad: Don’t laugh too loud in Hawaii. Kid: Why not?
Dad: They just want a low ha.
242
(Q&A) Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
It’s Dublin.
243
(Q&A) Why did the cell phone need glasses?
It lost its contacts.
244
(One-liner) I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
245
(One-liner) I’m a really down-to-earth guy because of . . . you know, gravity.
246
(One-liner) I asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out.
247
(Pun) If you take your watch to get fixed, don’t pay the guy before.
Wait till the time is right.
248
(Q&A) Dad: Hey, kids, I want to teach you the easiest dance on earth. Kids: What is it?
Dad: The elevator dance. No steps.
249
(One-liner) Good news! The LEGO Store has opened!
People are lined up for blocks.
250
(Q&A) Mom: Why do you keep burping?
Dad: I had belchin’ waffles for breakfast.
251
(Q&A) Kid: What time is it?
Dad: Ten to.
252
(Q&A) Kid: Ten to what?
Dad: Ten to your own business.
253
(Pun) Within minutes, the detectives knew what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
254
(One-liner) Always give 100 percent.
Unless you’re donating blood.
255
(Q&A) Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Dad: Yes, we arson.
256
(One-liner) I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control.
I thought to myself, Now this changes everything.
257
(One-liner) Good thing I don’t have to hunt for food.
I don’t even know where tacos live.
258
(Pun) I slept like a log last night.
Woke up in the fireplace.
259
(Q&A) Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.
260
(Pun) Mom keeps telling me to stop acting like butter.
But I’m on a roll now.
261
(Q&A) My kid’s really upset ’cause he says I’m too obsessed with astronomy. What planet is he on?
262
(One-liner) Say what you want about Captain Hook.
But he ran that entire pirating operation single-handedly.
263
(Pun) I used to get little shocks when I touched metal objects, but recently that stopped.
Needless to say, I’m ex-static.
264
(Pun) My son wants to study burrowing rodents.
I told him to gopher it.
265
(Q&A) Dad: If you had tea with the Queen, what kind of tea would it be? Daughter: I don’t want to know?
Dad: Royal-tea.
266
(Q&A) Dad: Where do dentists go on vacation? Son: No, please!
Dad: Floss Vegas.
267
(One-liner) Water is heavier than butane.
Because butane is a lighter fluid.
268
(One-liner) I probably should go on a diet.
But I’ve got too much on my plate already.
269
(One-liner) I would love to get paid to sleep.
Talk about a dream job!
270
(Q&A) What do you do when a sink is knocking on your door?
You let that sink in.
271
(One-liner) I was sitting in traffic the other day.
Then an officer made me stand up and move to the sidewalk.
272
(Q&A) Dad: I really hurt myself at the seafood restaurant last week. Son: What happened?
Dad: I think I pulled a mussel.
273
(One-liner) I’m so insecure I once painted a self-portrait of someone else.
274
(Q&A) What’s made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
275
(Q&A) Where does an astronaut park the space shuttle?
At a parking meteor.
276
(Q&A) How did the giraffe do in his classes?
He got high honors.
277
(One-liner) I’m just itching to tell you about my allergies.
278
(One-liner) I used to think I was indecisive.
Now I’m not so sure.
279
(Pun) What if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in Spanish?
280
(Q&A) If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?
281
(One-liner) Haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography.
That’s the story of my life.
282
(Q&A) What did you find when you traced your family tree?
Termites.
283
(One-liner) I hate jokes about student debt.
They never pay off.
284
(Pun) This bike in the neighborhood keeps running me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
285
(Q&A) I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said, 'Go ahead, knock yourself out.'
286
(One-liner) My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.
I said, 'How did you know where it was going?'
287
(Q&A) What do you call a teenager who never grows up?
Constantine.
288
(Q&A) Where do sharks go on vacation?
Finland.
289
(One-liner) People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
290
(Q&A) Where do dads store their dad jokes?
In a dad-a-base.
291
(Q&A) What does a Slovakian sound engineer say?
'Czech one two . . . Czech one two . . .'
292
(Q&A) Why was the mother firefly unhappy?
’Cause her kids weren’t very bright.
293
(Reverse Q&A) DESPAIR
What are you glad you have in case of a flat tire?
294
(Reverse Q&A) BURGLARIZE
What does a crook see through?
295
(Reverse Q&A) AVOIDABLE
What does a bullfighter try to do?
296
(Reverse Q&A) KITTY LITTER
What does Garfield throw out the car window?
297
(Reverse Q&A) COUNTERFEITER
What do you call a guy who puts kitchen cabinets together?
298
(Reverse Q&A) DESCENT
What’s the difference between a cat and a skunk?
299
(Reverse Q&A) PARASITES
What do you see from the Eiffel Tower?
300
(Reverse Q&A) PARADOX
What do you call two physicians walking down the hall?
301
(Reverse Q&A) HOGWASH
What do you call cows with a good sense of humor?
302
(Reverse Q&A)
What’s another name for a pig’s laundry?
303
(Reverse Q&A) DR PEPPER
Who married Nurse Salt?
304
(Reverse Q&A) NUTELLA
What do you call the most recent hire at the bank?
305
(Reverse Q&A) MODEM
What did the gardener do to the lawns?
306
(Reverse Q&A) PHARMACIST
What’s another name for a helper on a farm?
307
(Reverse Q&A) EXTREME
What do you call a dry riverbed?
308
(Reverse Q&A) ANNOUNCE
What’s 1⁄ of a pound?
309
(Reverse Q&A) AUTOBIOGRAPHY
What do you call the history of a car?
310
(Reverse Q&A) KNAPSACK
What do you call a sleeping bag?
