Communicating With Friends And Family TOPIC 3

Question 1

What’s a family anyway

Answer 1

• Today there is a wide variety of societal groups we choose to describe as family that we may not even recognise what our assumptions are.
• Wood (2014) provides an interesting description ‘bound together by commitment regardless of whether there are biological or legal ties’

Question 2

We encounter terms such as:

Answer 2

• nuclear family (Mother, farther and their immediate children), blended family (parents that have been previously married before, may have children from a previous marriage before)
• extended (more common to the most of us, mother farther, brothers, sisters, uncle aunts, grandma, grandfather, second cousins, cousin.
• We need to respect choices made by others in respect of blended families, and families that are considered unusual compositions, but which are becoming more common as time goes on.

Question 3

Arrangements people sometimes see as complications

Answer 3

• We often do not recognise our assumptions until confronted with them by others
• The examples of various kinds of family arrangements provided in the text show how this can happen
• Families form different races, Lesbian and gay families; interracial families; families who choose not to have children; divorced and blended families
• Families bound together by sustained commitment are also not always recognised by current laws or in current religious practices - families outside the arrangement extended or nuclear families often have many prejudices and judgements passed on them almost unconsciously and consciously by others. These people are often discriminated for having these unusual or different family arrangements.  Families bound together by sustained commitment is what matters
• just because they are different from our own doesn’t mean they are less worthy of respect.
• Choices of ‘family’ as recognised in society are also influenced by environmental factors such as wars; natural disasters and climate are all thing that can have devastating effects on families.
• Diversity with regard to the notion of family provides rich opportunities for gaining insights into different forms of community life

Question 4

Messages and metamessages

Answer 4

• Deborah Tannen’s section provides valuable insights into the many facets of family communication
• We know them all intuitively but we may not always acknowledge the range and complexity of the interactional patterns we manage
• We communicate with siblings; in-laws, new family members, parents, children, distant relatives with whom we may have close relationships and close family members with whom we have more distant relationships many levels of complexity when interacting with family, friends and intimates.
• It is in these familial relationships that we often overlook the differences between what is said and what is meant – the meta- message  language functions in many different levels simultaneously. Two of the most important are the content level, the more obvious level of the words themselves, But the meta-message the emotional or affective or feeling aspect of communication is incredibly powerful  we often make mistakes in that area.

Question 5

Meta-messages

Answer 5

• Meta-message in families are often interpreted as negative or criticism, or effort to control us but maybe not meant as negative sometimes people of our best interest say things to us quite directly and they only do it because they really care.
• However these metamessage may also be positive
• As well – they may be negative for one receiver and positive for another. Depend on how we view that person or the relationship. Our past experience with communicating with them and in the context that we find ourselves with in that that time.
• This is why meta-messages are often difficult to decipher and to interpret. They may seem easy to an outsider but we can often make mistakes quite easily. We can respond quite strongly and quickly to the affect or the feeling aspect of communication and interpret things in ways that where not meant.
• One way of addressing this is to ‘meta-communicate’  This means to talk about the ways we are talking …to think about what we are saying.
• Meta-communication is communication about communication
• Another way to become more competent is to Listen to the affective aspect of interaction. i.e. we need to listen to the feelings not just the content of a message

Question 6

Meta-Messages (continued)

Answer 6

• Also inherent in meta-communication are the simultaneous and sometimes conflicting desires of family members for both connection and control …This could be just a perception
• This can be seen for instance in situations where very small disagreements lead to major family disagreements
• Family communication has a certain allure can be very rewarding and at the same time very painful and distressing  its very easy for people who we care very deeply about and vice vera to hurt us. To be hurtful, sarcastic, controlling or ignore us when we don’t want to be ignored.
• The family history can continue meanings from the past
• We often judge ourselves by the standards and traditions others have set
• Something that we are very sensitive to is Criticism or what we perceive as criticism from valued others is very powerful in shaping our opinion of ourselves  that reminds us that we need to be very careful in communicating with our family and friends and intimate others, that we don’t accidently damage their esteem. That we don’t accidently casue them to have loss of face. That we don’t accidently discount them or override their views or criticise them to much .
• Understanding the distinction between message and meta-message can provide valuable insights into dealing with hurtful family communication

Question 7

Care and criticism

Answer 7

• It’s easy for us to feel or act as if we feel we have a right to criticise other family members  almost an assumed right because they feel that they can criticise us and criticism that we perceive as unjustified can result in quite rapidly escalation to conflict or indeed it can escalade into withdrawal from communication and when people decide to withdraw and not communicate at all they can be quite damaging to all concerned and it can be quite perplexing for the person who unintentionally caused it to happen.
• It is not uncommon for people to be unaware that almost every communication the have with one family member or perhaps one type of communication is perceived as critical or negative by that person or perceived as critical by everybody

Question 8

Care and criticism (continued)

Answer 8

•It is also not uncommon for the criticised person to say nothing for a long time and then to ‘explode’ – to react suddenly and strongly to the actual or perceived critique

•In such situations the ‘criticizer’ often protests their innocence by saying I am only saying this for your own good. If I didn’t care about you I wouldn’t bother
Giving advice therefore is a risky business

• Think about how often we use the ‘you’ word – it can convey a strong accusative sense
• It can often mask the real message – which is not necessarily about ‘you’

Question 9

The intimate critic

Answer 9


• Our strongest critic can be our own self

• We can undermine our confidence and sense of identity by constant negative self-critique

Question 10

Steve Duck - 6 provisions of friendship

Answer 10

1. Belonging and a sense of reliable alliance
2. Emotional integration and stability
3. Opportunities for communication Hey about ourselves
4. Provision of assistance and physical support
5. Reassurance of our worth and value, and opportunity to help others
6. Personality support