Close relationships I: Getting closer

Question 1

Do People’s Dating Preferences Predict Who They Want to Date?
Eastwick & Finkel, 2008
Procedure

Answer 1

Before speed dating event, participants rated the importance of a series of characteristics:
- Physical attractiveness
- Earning potential
- Friendliness

At the end of each speed date, they rated the person on each of these characteristics. They indicated which out of the people they had met they would want to see again.

The main question was to test whether what people rated as important to them predicted who they actually picked to see again.

Question 2

Do People’s Dating Preferences Predict Who They Want to Date?
Eastwick & Finkel, 2008
Results

Answer 2

No! (people’s preferences did not predict who they actually selected)

There was no relationship between what people said they wanted before the event and who they wanted to date after the event

Picking partners might be different than picking other things

Question 3

Do People’s Dating Preferences Predict Who They Want to Date?
- what have similar studies found?
- what is predicting romantic attraction? (+ 2 things)

Answer 3

1- Similar studies since then → similar findings (that self-reported preferences in a potential date did not predict who people actually expressed interest in meeting after meeting someone)

2- Predicting romantic attraction more ”random” than we may believe
- May feel as though destined to be together but, but this and other work (that includes married couples) suggests that mate selection is more random. So this feeling may be the result rather than the cause of liking someone.
- Predetermined lists of preferences discount the “dyadic” (two) process
(Picking a partner is not the same as picking out clothes or a new car—it is a dyadic process. What people often don’t account for is that mate selection is dyadic—partners select each other.)

Question 4

Non-Verbal Signals of Romantic interest

Answer 4

1) Smiling, increased eye contact
- Pupil dilation

2) Synchronized gestures and mimicking

3) Touch on face, neck, torso (vulnerable body parts)

4) Less distance, oriented toward each other

5) Speech (e.g., matching volume and speed of speech, vocal warmth, relaxed speech, laughter)

It is possible to predict romantic interest not by individual perspectives but by seeing how they interact.

Question 5

Use of technology: how common has online dating become?

Answer 5

When people are asked if they have ever used online dating to meet someone (could be for a long-term relationship, or more casual): we see a clear trend in the past decades, and with the latest stats from 2022 showing an increase up to 30%. These are numbers from the US and include popular platforms such as Tinder.

Question 6

Increased use of online dating: (US stats)
- In 2022 what was dating online particularly common among?
- In 2022, how many people active online dating in the UK?

Answer 6

In 2022, dating online particularly common among:
- Younger adults (18-29): 53%
- Non-heterosexual (e.g., gay, lesbian, bisexual): 51%

In 2022, 10 million people active in online dating in the UK

Question 7

Can Online Dating help Find a Better Match?

Answer 7

Some online dating sites market themselves as having “matching algorithms” that help find a compatible partner, BUT:
- Don’t reveal their “algorithms”
- Reviewed studies suggest that matching based on self-reported preferences may not work

(The key here is that Matching strictly based on similar responses to a questionnaire is just not as predictive of long term dating success.)

Experts (e.g., Joel et al., 2017) suggest:
- Meet others to find out!
- Be the partner you want to be (e.g., responsive)

Question 8

Why Can Online Dating Be Disappointing?

Answer 8

May not feel as attracted to others when finding out who they “really” are, as opposed to who we thought (or wished!) they are.

Open to disappointment between image you’ve first seen and reality

Question 9

What is interdependence theory?

Answer 9

An application of social exchange theories, applied to intimate relationships.

In a broad sense, interdependence theory aims to explain the structure of people’s relationships that make them satisfied and committed, in other words, explaining romantic partners’ interdependence (how dependent they are on each other). Explaining people’s satisfaction and behaviours based on aspects of the relationships, such as the exchanges that take place of rewards and costs.

Question 10

Interdependence theory:
- what is one major aspect of relationships?
- what do social exchange theories see relationships as?

Answer 10

So one major aspect of relationships is how rewarding versus costly they are:
Rewards and costs determine satisfaction and commitment (i.e., whether to stay … or leave)

Social exchange theories see social relationships as involving a process of exchange where people are motivated to maximise profits and minimise losses.

Question 11

Interdependence theory:
Rewards vs costs

Answer 11

Rewards = Desirable relationship experiences
eg. such as your partner doing something thoughtful or planning a fun activity for you to do together, and the security and support that a relationship provides.

Costs = Undesirable relationship experiences
eg. having an argument, or making personal sacrifices once a while.

Question 12

Rewards and Costs: what can they be?

Answer 12

Can be tangible / material
e.g., making dinner, financial assistance

Or intangible / social
e.g., feeling loved, knowing your partner is dependable, jealousy

Question 13

Costs:
- what are they?
- influence?

Answer 13

Costs are particularly influential
- Pay more attention to costs, remember costs more than rewards
- The idea here is that bad is stronger than good- we remember and hold on to negative experiences more.

Roughly 5x greater influence
- “Magic” 5 to 1 ratio (Gottman & Levenson, 1992) rewards to cost ratio needs to be 5:1 in order to outweigh the costs.
- Predicts relationship satisfaction

Question 14

Costs and rewards
What did Gottman and his colleague observe in their laboratory when they discussed a recent conflict

Answer 14

Observers coded in how many instances couples displayed positive/rewarding expressions (e.g., showing empathy, warmth and care (remember responsiveness from our last lecture on communication?!) , humor, being constructive, trying to compromise) as well as negative expressions (e.g., anger, defensiveness, criticism, contempt). Couples that that conversations that were characterised by at least 5 positive against any 1 negative expression were found to be more satisfied, so they evaluated their relationship more positively. and were also more likely to still be together 4 years later!

Question 15

Outcome equation

Answer 15

Outcome = Rewards - Costs

Interdependence theory captures this idea (of how people evaluate their relationships) in a simple formula (and this is done using mental calculations)

The idea is that if rewards outweigh the costs your outcome will be positive, but if the costs outweigh the rewards, the net outcome is negative.

Question 16

According to the investment model, what 3 major factors is commitment influenced by?

Answer 16

Satisfaction: How happy are you in this relationship?

Alternatives: How happy would you be in another relationship? Or alone?

Investment: What have you put into this relationship that you would lose if the relationship were to end? (time, shared money, children, big sacrifices – moving for partner’s job, and emotional experiences, pensions)

Question 17

Investment model

Answer 17

Satisfaction, Investments, Alternatives → Commitment → Stay or leave?

This model predicts that when people are:
Highly satisfied, have made a lot of investments into their relationship, and don’t perceive that they have many attractive alternatives to their current relationship are more committed to their partners – that is, they are more convicted that they want to stick it out with their partner in the long-term.

And in turn, feeling more committed, is the best predictor of whether people will actually stay in or leave their current relationship.

Question 18

Investment model- Meta- Analysis Results
(Le & Agnew, 2003)

Answer 18

• summarised the results across 52 studies (and nearly 12000 participants)
• demonstrated that satisfaction (r = .68) was the strongest predictor of commitment, but investments (r = .46) were a strong predictor as well as perceiving fewer alternatives (r= .48).
• Then, commitment (r = .47) was a fairly good predictor of whether people stayed in their relationship or left (although not a perfect predictor)

Note: this model also applies to organizational commitment (Le & Agnew also studied “non-interpersonal” domains such as commitment to job, sports, school).

Question 19

Investment: Pros and Cons

Answer 19

Pro:
High investments may enable couples to weather the inevitable stormy times.

Con:
They can also trap people in unhealthy relationships
- For example, research with women from battered women’s shelters has shown that women with high investments were more likely to return to abusive partners than women who haven’t invested as much into their relationships.

Question 20

Why is commitment important?

Answer 20

Commitment helps to protect and maintain relationships:

• Derogate alternatives (e.g., committed individuals rate attractive people as less sexy than single individuals) (Lydon & Karremans, 2015)
• Accommodate: respond more constructively when dissatisfied bad happens in the relationship — they might let smaller things go (e.g., bite their tongue during a fight, try to work things out) (Rusbult et al., 1991) Give partner benefit of the doubt
• Make sacrifices when conflicts of interest arise (Righetti & Impett, 2017)

Question 21

Revisiting the investment model:
1- what does commitment predict and what is the implication of this?
2- benefit of investment?
3- enjoying relationship?
4- what is commitment also driving?

Answer 21

1- Commitment predicts pro-relationship behaviours, which is likely WHY people’s relationships are more likely to last, so why people will also stay in a relationship.

2- The more we invest in a relationship by doing what’s in the best interest of the relationship then this will also feed back into the investment component here that in turn again predicts commitment.

3- The more people do things that are good for a relationship, they will likely also enjoy that relationship more, which again will also fuel their commitment, so their willingness to do what’s best for the relationship. So this becomes a pattern that helps sustaining relationships.

4- The commitment is also driving pro relationship behaviours so influencing quality of relationship.

Question 22

Who is your attachment figure?

Answer 22

The person you rely on for support and comfort

Question 23

What is attachment?

Answer 23

An intimate emotional bond to a particular individual who is seen as providing protection, comfort, and support (Bowlby, 1969).

(But attachment is more than just a feeling of love or connectedness, it is based on the expectation that we can turn to this person when we need help, support, or comfort.

Attachment emerges in childhood, such as the attachment that a child has to a parent or caregiver, and persist through adolescence and into adulthood.)

Question 24

History of attachment theory (John Bowlby)

Answer 24

• Began by observing infant/caregiver relationships
• One of the major observations that Bowlby made was that infants who had been separated from their primary caregivers experienced intense distress.
• These infants often tried to regain their missing caregivers by crying, clinging, and searching.
• Attachment system form bonds with others, become distressed if they are unavailable
• Bowlby argued that separation from the caregiver activates something called the ATTACHMENT SYSTEM
• Evolutionary function of the attachment system: keep caregivers close to infants - important to drive, survive and go on to reproduce themselves.
• The attachment system likely evolved because it helps to ensure that infants and their caregivers remain in close physical proximity. This would have the obvious benefit of helping to keep the infant safe.

Question 25

Purpose of attachment:
- what is it?
- includes?
- most activated when?

Answer 25

The attachment system is an innate behavioural system.

And includes a set of behaviours that promote attachment to specific individuals who will care for and protect the vulnerable infant.

And this behavioural system is most activated when an infant is in danger or distress – so the goal is to regulate emotional distress and restore felt security.

Question 26

3 functions of the attachment system

Answer 26

• Proximity maintenance
• Secure base
• Safe haven

Question 27

Explain 3 functions of attachment system in more depth

Answer 27

First, infants seek to be in CLOSE PHYSICAL PROXIMITY with their caregiver and if the infant is separated from the caregiver, the infant will experience DISTRESS and will typically protest this separation by crying.
(staying near and resisting separations)

Second, infants who are securely attached also use their caregivers as a SAFE HAVEN. When the infant is distressed for whatever reason, the infant will seek out the caregiver.
(turning to for comfort, support and reassurance)

Third, the caregiver also served as a SECURE BASE to the infant. When an infant is confident that the caregiver will be available, then the infant can explore and master their environment. An infant’s confidence that their caregiver will be available is important in the child’s development because much of learning in early childhood depends on physical exploration. When caregiver is unavailable or unresponsive, exploration is impaired and the infant typically attempts to regain proximity.
(using as a base from which to engage in non-attachment behaviour)

Question 28

According to the attachment theory…
- what is responsive caregiving?
- but…

Answer 28

• responsive caregiving is essential – providing your child with a safe haven when they are in distress and also providing a secure base for them to explore the world and know that you will be there.
• But unfortunately for a variety of reasons, not all caregivers are responsive or responsive all of the time.

Question 29

Individual differences in attachment:
- what do we learn in early childhood
- what do we learn beliefs and expectations about?
- what do these beliefs influence?

Answer 29

• Learn in early childhood what to expect from others
• Develop beliefs and expectations about:
  — Others: whether they will responsive to our needs
  — Self: whether we are worthy of love
• These beliefs influence our thoughts, feelings and behaviour in relationships

Question 30

Attachment classification development

Answer 30

The three category system was the classic way to measure attachment styles, but more recently, theorists realised that the three category system was incomplete. Instead, Attachment is defined and assessment with two dimensions.
The two dimensions are
- anxiety about abandonment
- avoidance of intimacy

Question 31

What are the 4 attachment styles?
(Fraley et al., 2011)

Answer 31

Secure: low anxiety and low avoidance

Dismissive-Avoidant: low anxiety and high avoidance

Anxious-Preoccupied: high anxiety and low avoidance

Fearful-Avoidant: high anxiety and high avoidance

Question 32

Explain Secure Attachment style

Answer 32

Low Anxiety and Low Avoidance

Would agree with a statement like:

I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t often worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close.

Question 33

Secure Attachment characteristics + common misconceptions

Answer 33

• Learned that proximity seeking leads to support, protection, and relief of distress
• Turn to others when distressed
• Believe distress is manageable
• More stable and satisfying relationships

Common misconceptions: they are involved in perfect, successful relationships and that they are NEVER anxious or insecure. Remember anxiety and avoidance exist along dimensions so people usually have some components of anxiety and avoidance, at least in some situations.

Question 34

Explain Dismissive-Avoidant attachment style

Answer 34

Low Anxiety and High Avoidance

They would agree with statements like:

“I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often, others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being.”

Question 35

Dismissive-Avoidant attachment characteristics

Answer 35

• Value self-reliance and independence
• Avoid seeking support when distressed
• Expect relationship failure, averse to commitment
• Relationships lack intimacy, keep partners at a distance
• Feel higher levels of attraction when interacting with potential romantic alternatives
• Report feeling a sense of relief after break-ups

Question 36

Explain Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment style

Answer 36

High Anxiety and Low Avoidance

Someone who is high in preoccupied attachment would agree with a statement like:

“I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me or won’t want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner, and this sometimes scares people away.”

Question 37

Anxious-Preoccupied attachment characteristics

Answer 37

• Hypervigilant about loss and rejection
• When distressed, excessive reliance on others
• Demanding of closeness, attention and approval
• Intrusive, demanding, and overly disclosing
• Hard time getting over break-ups

Question 38

Explain Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style

Answer 38

High Anxiety and High Avoidance

They would agree with statement like:

“I am uncomfortable getting close to others. I want emotionally close relationships, but I find it difficult to trust others completely, or to depend on them. I worry that I will be hurt if I allow myself to become too close to others.”

Question 39

Fearful-Avoidant attachment characteristics

Answer 39

• High anxiety: hypersensitive to potential hurt and rejection
• High avoidance: withdraws when upset; avoid coping
• Relatively poor personal and social adjustment
• Difficulty expressing feelings

Question 40

Whether people’s attachment styles in romantic relationships can change:
- what did early attachment researchers (eg. Bowlby) claim?
- stability of attachment style?
- experiences?

Answer 40

• Early attachment researchers (e.g., Bowlby) claimed that attachment style originates early in life and shapes relationships from the “cradle to grave”
• Attachment style rather stable over time (especially secure attachment), from child to adult, to romantic bonds (e.g., Hadiwijaya et al., 2020; Waldinger & Schultz, 2016)
• BUT new experiences matter, for better or worse:
  — Break-ups & new (good) relationships (Fraley, 2019)
  — Become more secure with age (Chopik et al., 2019)

Question 41

1- what creates individual differences in attachment style?
2- what have similarities and differences?
3- what are the 2 continuous dimensions attachment is measured along?

Answer 41

1- consistence of responsiveness of caregivers
2- childhood attachment and adult attachment
3- Anxiety over abandonment and Avoidance of intimacy