Boundaries Flashcards
Five types of healthy bounaries
- physical boundaries
- sexual
- emotional
- material/financial
- time
physical boundaries
keep you comfortable and safe
e.g. rest when exercising, not cluttering or intruding in the bathroom
sexual boundaries
consent, autonomy, respect, dignity, civility, communicate your preferences,
emotional boundaries
respect, dignity, civility, constructively working out conflict, no silent treatment, no gaslighting, no denial, accepting responsibility, and barriers to others’ feelings. I am not responsible for how someone feels if I turn down a second date
material/financial boundaries
money, clothing, home, borrowing
time boundaries
work/personal life, time to recuperate from work,
unhealthy boundaries
- too rigid, boundaries shift, need to compromise to meet each other’s needs to talk about their emotions, etc
- weak or porous, hard time saying ‘no’, too willing to give in and not get your needs met, oversharing with strangers
reasons boundaries are weak
- desire for control - people use boundaries to manipulate others; they may stonewall you or refuse to engage. Set up boundaries about this
- fear of rejection - hard to be emotionally open then
- lack of experience in setting limits -
- agreeable personality - eager to please, overcommit time, give in, not try to get your needs to be accepted
- low self-esteem - feel my needs are not important, don’t vocalize my needs, partner fights with me when I vocalize my needs, prioritizing others at my expense
social anxiety and boundaries
making the social situation easier for someone may make them rely on you instead of addressing the issue on their own
tips for setting up boundaries
- know what you want in the relationship,
answer these questions: What traits do I like to see in other relationships?
What behaviors bother me?
What qualities do I admire in others?
What material items matter the most to me and why?
How do I like to spend my time?
What makes me feel fulfilled? - assess how you feel in the relationship. answer these questions: Did the other person make jokes or comments that made you feel disrespected?
Did they do anything that made you physically uncomfortable or unsafe, such as raise their voice in anger?
Did you feel pressured to do things that didn’t match your values?
Did you feel overwhelmed by the person’s requests or expectations of
you?
Did you feel as if they were infringing on your sense of control or
infantilizing you? - talk to them about your boundaries, communicate effectively, consider delivery, timing, and clarity, be prepared, use I statements, address feedback, and let others take responsibility for their emotions
tips on enforcing boundaries
- restate your needs
- have clear consequences for crossing a boundary,
- only state consequences you really will enforce, ending a conversation, taking a break from the relationship
how to respond to others’ boundaries
- you may feel shame or frustration, you may feel limited, you may want to react in defense,
- take time to listen, breathe, calm yourself, and watch for the fight, flight, fawn, freeze, fine (self-denial), fuck, and faint responses
- don’t prepare for your side of an argument; listen
- their boundaries express what is good for them, apologize if necessary,
my non negotiables
- silent treatment
- name calling
- game playing, win-lose mentality
- tit for tat
- no apologizing or taking responsibility
- one up man-ship
- manipulation
- not resolving conflict with respect, civility, and dignity
- holding grudges, spite, revenge, contempt, threats, being punitive
- gaslighting, denial, cognitive dissonance and questioning my reality
- injustice, unfairness, lack of mutuality,
- lack of emotional intimacy or vulnerability
- any thing that is unsafe
- lack of learning and growth
- negative, childish, and immature defense mechanisms
- emotional immaturity
- belittling
- inability to listen or try to understand
- toxic selfishness
- hypocrisy and double standards
- lying, cheating, stealing
- using me for own personal gain
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