Act 1 - Judge

Question 1

Just as well too, I think Her Honour is here

Answer 1

All rise. Would all persons in this court room rise. That means stand up you lazy uneducated cretins. This has got to be one of the laziest, dullest juries I’ve seen. I said all persons in this courtroom rise!

The local court of Darwin is now in session, with the honourable me, Judge Freeman presiding. Please be seated. Now, I wish to inform you all upfront that is my I’m really quite famished.

Question 2

An absolute

Answer 2

Can’t wait for my uber eats to get here. My orderly ordered me a vegetarian laksa with those extra little tofu puffs.

Question 3

I wrote this down… J Burrows?

Answer 3

J burrows? Like the stationary company? The one that manufactures manilla folders? like the one you’re holding?

Question 4

Mr Andrew Lavert.

Answer 4

Fuck is wrong with him?

Question 5

You honour, this is an oft question. And for the record, Ms Jones, for the prosecutor.

Answer 5

A privellege and a pleasure, as always, to hold court with you Miss Jones

Question 6

Oi, mate. That prosecutor, is that Phoebe Jones? I’ve heard they call her the bulldog?

Answer 6

You bet you sweet guilty ass they do. Woof woof

Question 7

…Occasionally I’d use my racoon-like cunnning to steal a colleague’s lunch from right under their nose.

Answer 7

Mr Payne, if you try any such racoonery with my Uber eats you’d better get yourself a bloody good lawyer. Like Ms Jones. By the way, what did happen to that jay walker you had this morning? Did he get time?

Question 8

6 years your honour

Answer 8

God she’s really bloody good. And they said she’d get that sentence for a minor.
You’re fucked.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. What are we doing about the case today? Who was the defence counsel on the last occasion?

Question 9

Jerry Klumph your honour

Answer 9

Say no more, say more more. Quite the tale there! But we shant get into those gory details. Mr Payne, I trust you are across the material.

Question 10

I have breasts your honour (long silence)

Answer 10

Let’s try that again shall we Mr Payne? I trust you have read the material?

Question 11

I have… and am a breast of the material. your honour

Answer 11

As am I. Which makes me wonder. What could you possibly have to say for your client?

Question 12

…Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Answer 12

Compelling stuff, Mr Payne. Off to a cracking start

Question 13

That’s not even a file, that’s a menu from Lady Laksa’s Baning Laksa Truck!

Answer 13

[Gasps] That reminds me - where is my Uber eats driver. Express delivery my arse. Fraud, misleading and deceptive conduct, I’ll throw the book at him. I’ll throw Francois in the cells, if he ever gets here. Where is her honours yum yums?!

Pause. Deep breath.

Right then Payne, let’s crack on, shall we? How does the accused plea?

Question 14

Not guilty your honour

Answer 14

Groan.
Alright enough dilly dallying, let’s get on with it. Madam procescutor, you’re up.

Question 15

I will begin by reading out the charges

Answer 15

Mmmmm.
This is my favourite part!

Question 16

[slide that says pause for laughter]

Answer 16

Chortling.
Very good madam prosectuor.

Question 17

Marinelli ended up losing his case-

Answer 17

Madam prosecutor, I believe you won that case didn’t you?

Question 18

I did your Honour

Answer 18

Gosh, she really is bloody good.

Question 19

… The very same boat that he stole from his former lawyer Jerry Klumph.

Answer 19

Madam Procecutor, I’m simple far too hungry be taking in any of these boring details. Do you mean to tell me that Mr Marinelli transferred his boat to Jerry Klumph in exchange for legal services?

Question 20

That’s right your honour

Answer 20

(to audience) well when you pay banana you get monkeys.

And then Marinelli stole his boat back from his own lawyer?

Question 21

Correct your honour

Answer 21

And then he told it to that (pointing) turd, in the dock.

Question 22

Alleged turd

Answer 22

Shhh (pointing and angry)

Question 23

And it was around about this time. Your honour, that’s when. klumpf well…

Answer 23

Ah ah ah, those particular details certainly don’t need repeating

Question 24

…you must convict! (pause for applause)

Answer 24

How incriminating! How compelling! Mr Payne, you’re up.

Question 25

…Or numbers. Or directions.

Answer 25

We’ll see about that - everyone! South on 3, 1, 2, 3. SOUTH!

Question 26

….any time of the day or night.

Answer 26

Everyone Sun on 3. 1, 2, 3. SUN!

Question 27

Oh gollly

Answer 27

My Payne, seeing as you appear to be directionless. Let me give you a little nudge. Now might be a good time to start making some actual arugements in defence of your client. Is there anything you might be able to show me to suggest that your client did NOT in fact receive this boat?

Question 28

Ahhhh, I think we can move onto the defence’s arguments now, Your honour.

Answer 28

Ah, yes, yes wonderful idea, over to you Payne.

Question 29

…Whether Mr Lavert gets any nibbles on winter can only be a matter of spectulation of course.

Answer 29

I guess it should come as no surprise that a man with no sense of direction would end up misleading this court, but really Mr Payne, this is quite incredulous.

Question 30

Your honour, ma’am, may I have a moment with my client.

Answer 30

You may, and indeed you probably should.

Question 31

…Your honour, I’m ready to proceed.

Answer 31

I was worried you might say that.
Very well MR Payne, let’s get this back on track.

Question 32

…Section 277 of the criminal code?

Answer 32

Mr Payne, that section concerns public urination in a church, or mosque or synagogue.

Question 33

Section 98?

Answer 33

Honking when not horny?

Question 34

Oh yes, I remember now, section 694.

Answer 34

(happy) How curious. That particular section concerns gross professional incompetence in legal proceedings, Mr Payne this might be the most compelling submission you’ve made all day.

Question 35

Your honour, can I have a moment with my lawyer.

Answer 35

You can have more than a moment, Mr Lavert. You can have the entire period of adjournment.

Question 36

Sorry your honour

Answer 36

No, Mr Payne. I’m sorry that I have to spell it out for you.
I’m holding you in contempt.
Shake head to prosecutor.
I said, I’m holding you in contempt!
Much better.
Payne, you have made a mockery of this Court. You have done no short of harm to client’s case. And to top things all off, you appear to be on your fifth pen!

It brings me not great pleasure to have you locked up in these courthouse cells with your client. Maybe you can spend your lunch break thinking about what you’ve done.

Question 37

I told you she’s no good on an empty stomach

Answer 37

Speaking of lunch…

Question 38

…I hope it’s not improper of me to say this, but would your honour like to join me for lunch?

Answer 38

Oh I supppose so. If it’s no great imposition. Where were you thinking of going? No, don’t say… LADY LAKSA’S BANGING LAKSA TRUCK
Oh ballif, please escort Mr Payne and Mr Lavert to the cells.