Act 1 - Judge Flashcards
Just as well too, I think Her Honour is here
All rise. Would all persons in this court room rise. That means stand up you lazy uneducated cretins. This has got to be one of the laziest, dullest juries I’ve seen. I said all persons in this courtroom rise!
The local court of Darwin is now in session, with the honourable me, Judge Freeman presiding. Please be seated. Now, I wish to inform you all upfront that is my I’m really quite famished.
An absolute
Can’t wait for my uber eats to get here. My orderly ordered me a vegetarian laksa with those extra little tofu puffs.
I wrote this down… J Burrows?
J burrows? Like the stationary company? The one that manufactures manilla folders? like the one you’re holding?
Mr Andrew Lavert.
Fuck is wrong with him?
You honour, this is an oft question. And for the record, Ms Jones, for the prosecutor.
A privellege and a pleasure, as always, to hold court with you Miss Jones
Oi, mate. That prosecutor, is that Phoebe Jones? I’ve heard they call her the bulldog?
You bet you sweet guilty ass they do. Woof woof
…Occasionally I’d use my racoon-like cunnning to steal a colleague’s lunch from right under their nose.
Mr Payne, if you try any such racoonery with my Uber eats you’d better get yourself a bloody good lawyer. Like Ms Jones. By the way, what did happen to that jay walker you had this morning? Did he get time?
6 years your honour
God she’s really bloody good. And they said she’d get that sentence for a minor.
You’re fucked.
Anyway, back to the matter at hand. What are we doing about the case today? Who was the defence counsel on the last occasion?
Jerry Klumph your honour
Say no more, say more more. Quite the tale there! But we shant get into those gory details. Mr Payne, I trust you are across the material.
I have breasts your honour (long silence)
Let’s try that again shall we Mr Payne? I trust you have read the material?
I have… and am a breast of the material. your honour
As am I. Which makes me wonder. What could you possibly have to say for your client?
…Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Compelling stuff, Mr Payne. Off to a cracking start
That’s not even a file, that’s a menu from Lady Laksa’s Baning Laksa Truck!
[Gasps] That reminds me - where is my Uber eats driver. Express delivery my arse. Fraud, misleading and deceptive conduct, I’ll throw the book at him. I’ll throw Francois in the cells, if he ever gets here. Where is her honours yum yums?!
Pause. Deep breath.
Right then Payne, let’s crack on, shall we? How does the accused plea?
Not guilty your honour
Groan.
Alright enough dilly dallying, let’s get on with it. Madam procescutor, you’re up.
I will begin by reading out the charges
Mmmmm.
This is my favourite part!
[slide that says pause for laughter]
Chortling.
Very good madam prosectuor.
Marinelli ended up losing his case-
Madam prosecutor, I believe you won that case didn’t you?
I did your Honour
Gosh, she really is bloody good.
… The very same boat that he stole from his former lawyer Jerry Klumph.
Madam Procecutor, I’m simple far too hungry be taking in any of these boring details. Do you mean to tell me that Mr Marinelli transferred his boat to Jerry Klumph in exchange for legal services?
That’s right your honour
(to audience) well when you pay banana you get monkeys.
And then Marinelli stole his boat back from his own lawyer?
Correct your honour
And then he told it to that (pointing) turd, in the dock.
Alleged turd
Shhh (pointing and angry)
And it was around about this time. Your honour, that’s when. klumpf well…
Ah ah ah, those particular details certainly don’t need repeating
…you must convict! (pause for applause)
How incriminating! How compelling! Mr Payne, you’re up.
…Or numbers. Or directions.
We’ll see about that - everyone! South on 3, 1, 2, 3. SOUTH!
….any time of the day or night.
Everyone Sun on 3. 1, 2, 3. SUN!
Oh gollly
My Payne, seeing as you appear to be directionless. Let me give you a little nudge. Now might be a good time to start making some actual arugements in defence of your client. Is there anything you might be able to show me to suggest that your client did NOT in fact receive this boat?
Ahhhh, I think we can move onto the defence’s arguments now, Your honour.
Ah, yes, yes wonderful idea, over to you Payne.
…Whether Mr Lavert gets any nibbles on winter can only be a matter of spectulation of course.
I guess it should come as no surprise that a man with no sense of direction would end up misleading this court, but really Mr Payne, this is quite incredulous.
Your honour, ma’am, may I have a moment with my client.
You may, and indeed you probably should.
…Your honour, I’m ready to proceed.
I was worried you might say that.
Very well MR Payne, let’s get this back on track.
…Section 277 of the criminal code?
Mr Payne, that section concerns public urination in a church, or mosque or synagogue.
Section 98?
Honking when not horny?
Oh yes, I remember now, section 694.
(happy) How curious. That particular section concerns gross professional incompetence in legal proceedings, Mr Payne this might be the most compelling submission you’ve made all day.
Your honour, can I have a moment with my lawyer.
You can have more than a moment, Mr Lavert. You can have the entire period of adjournment.
Sorry your honour
No, Mr Payne. I’m sorry that I have to spell it out for you.
I’m holding you in contempt.
Shake head to prosecutor.
I said, I’m holding you in contempt!
Much better.
Payne, you have made a mockery of this Court. You have done no short of harm to client’s case. And to top things all off, you appear to be on your fifth pen!
It brings me not great pleasure to have you locked up in these courthouse cells with your client. Maybe you can spend your lunch break thinking about what you’ve done.
I told you she’s no good on an empty stomach
Speaking of lunch…
…I hope it’s not improper of me to say this, but would your honour like to join me for lunch?
Oh I supppose so. If it’s no great imposition. Where were you thinking of going? No, don’t say… LADY LAKSA’S BANGING LAKSA TRUCK
Oh ballif, please escort Mr Payne and Mr Lavert to the cells.
