ACC Stand up Set (FINAL) Flashcards
My Jewish Mom
S: A little about me, I’m Jewish and Puerto Rican
D: and my mom tends to be scared of the oven
P: You know, because she’s Jewish…
S: You would never see her in the kitchen
D: Everything in there… Made in Germany…
P: So she fleed from there too…
Sketchy Business
S: The other day, I was talking to my mom about a “sketchy” business idea…
S: I said mom: I know how to end homelessness, but it’s a little… “sketchy”, so bare with me.
D: What if we treat homeless people like human billboards?..
P: just hear me out.. they’re already out there holding signs?
S: Listen, just for a second here, I’m serious. I think we can come up with a solution to homelessness.
D: Here’s the pitch. Are you ready?
P: We treat them like NASCAR drivers, clothe them with sponsor brands, and then give them cardboard signs with QR codes.
S: Now, my mom is Jewish, remember? So my ideas are a terrible investment.
D: But that did not deter me, so I said: “what do you think?”
P: My mom said:(crying) “oh my Ken you just have such a great heart… let’s do it”. College was a bad investment! But, this is?!?! Gotta have Trump ideas… WTF
Bully
S: Who here doesn’t like bullies?… I hate them!
D: My daughter is 11 and got hit in the face by some boy with a big-ass book…
P: Right? I was punching the air, screaming with my mouth closed, blasting heavy metal music; I punted a cat across the living room… I called the school up cussed out ALLL the teachers…
S: But I was civil. Long story short, the kid got suspended. A week goes by; I’m picking my daughter up from school; she’s smiling and looks happy.
D: So she gets in the car, and I start to drive off, and she says to me
“Dad, did you see that boy? He socked me in the jaw!” (Says it laughing)
P: I said WTF?! Who? What’s his name? Why are you laughing? Do you think this is a game? She wouldn’t tell me anything! I started thinking, oh no! I failed my baby; she likes abuse!
S: I get home. I’m punching the air, screaming with my mouth closed, blasting heavy metal music; I punted another cat, this time across the kitchen…
D: I called the school up and talked to the principal, and I said,
“that’s it! I’m telling Skye’s to mangle every single one of these imps…” she said: “sir, we can handle this.”
P: I said: “bitch be grateful she’s doing your job.”
S: The next day, I pick up Skye from school..
D: I see the principal walking up to me… and she says: “the reason Skye didn’t want to say anything is because the boy who hit her was a first grader and 2x shorter than her. So short that I don’t know how he reached her Jaw”
P: I started driving home and said Skye! How you you gonna make me look bad? why didn’t you tell me he was a little boy! you got me burning down villages, running around here looking like an idiot!
Meet the Wife
S: My wife is black…
D: and I met her in the hood!
P: Out the gate she was calling me the N word
She’s a sexy motha fucka
Waking Up
S: You know what’s one thing I noticed about being married to a black woman is…
D: Not the best morning person. Nah, her morning starts after I wake up.
P: (approach with an angry face) Her: “Hey! get up!” Me: “I’m up, I’m up”
2020
S: 2020 was a rough year for us!
D: Back then, I was under assault! Any time I questioned a verdict. “What happened? What did he do?”
P: “Doesn’t matter, racist!” Just looking me up and down
S: I’m Puerto Rican
D: I have African roots!
P: She said: “Doesn’t look like it”
The DNA Test
S: So me and my wife took the Ancestry Tree DNA test!
D: And it takes an entire month of waiting to get these results.
P: And this waiting experience is kinda like… You; being the dog waiting on your hostile owner to pet you.
“Can you pet me now!”
“Get Out!”
S: So a month goes by… and the result were in… we opened it up…
D: 8% black hah!
P: Oh, It was a celebration! She was voting for Trump next election! WTF
