ACC Stand up Set (Beginner) Flashcards
My Jewish Mom
S: I grew up Puerto Rican and Jewish without ever eating homecooked meals.
D: All because my mom was afraid of the kitchen - mainly the oven.
P: Yeah, she’s the Jewish one.
S: Chinese food, spaghetti, and in-n-out burger. From ages 0 to 18!
P: You can’t cook because of the nazi living in the oven?… Just turn it on…
Dog problems
S: I got a new puppy, but he’s giving me a headache
S: First day at the house i’m sleeping on the couch and he vomited on my face..
P: Can you believe it. He’s already jumping on the couch already.
Gas Sation
S: Biden’s new rules are really starting to piss me off.. Have you seen what’s going on at the gas stations?
D: I was filling up my tank of gas and this person started yelling at me; all panic like.
P: “Sir please, would you put the god damn cigarette down!”
T: You know I know of a great therapist if you’re interested. my mom is scared of the oven;
31 Flavors
S: I use to be in a really toxic relationship
S: And I knew Something was off..
P: This bitches pussy never tasted the same.
S: I said hold on motha fucka; That pussy should have had a label…
P: choking hazard or some shit
S: Going down on her was like snorkling.
P: always had to come back up for a deep breath
S: bitch, was like a bad chef…I ordered a cheeseburger..
P: And the bitch comes out with sardines!
S: Bitch, this ain’t baskin robbins… I ain’t trying to play 31 flavors with you
P: This aint worth it ima fuck around and get food poisoning!
Homeless - costco
S: Man I saw a homeless man jerking off in front of costco
And a women was covering her sons eyes and was screaming “leave him alone!”
D: And I too felt that there was a real injustice being done here!
P: So I yelled “Hey, leave him alone…” “He’s not finished yet!”
Meet the wife
S: My wife is black…
D: and I met her in the hood!
P: Out the gate she was calling me the N word
Sexy ass motha fucka
Waking up
S: You know what’s one thing I noticed about being married to a black woman is…
D: Not the best morning person. Nah, her morning starts after I wake up.
P: (approach with an angry face) Her: “Hey! get up!” Me: “I’m up, I’m up”
2020
2020
S: 2020 was a rough year for us!
D: Back then, I was under assault! Any time I would ask a question about a situation on the news. “What happened? What did he do?”
P: “Doesn’t matter! racist much?!”
S: I’m Puerto Rican
D: I have African roots!
P: She said: “Doesn’t look like it”
The DNA TEST
S: So me and my wife went to take the Ancestry Tree DNA test!
D: And it takes an entire month of waiting.. to get these results.
P: Kinda like… getting to the doctors office early
P: You gonna be waiting on that motha fuck for an hour
S: So a month goes by… and the result were in… and… we opened it up…
D: 8% black hah!
P: Oh would you look at that I’m str8 laced good taste yaMeann. Pour myself some heem and went straight to popeyes! And you know what? I didn’t get food poisoning
Zombies
Hey if anyone likes zombie movies you should stop by my neighborhood
After 9 people like to wander around in the middle of the street.
Just a disclaimer it’s not like a civil war reenactment or anything.
They have dimensia so… still entertaining it’s like real life Frogger
