15 - Not psychopathology Flashcards
True or false: kids will often come to psychologists about many topics that aren’t psychopathology
True: parents, divorce, friendships, relationships, etc.
What makes a good friendship?
- You have to think these topics through because they come up a lot with kids
- A lot of friendship elements are being negotiated at all times in kids
→ usually for kids, their friends are created with those who are nearby - Often kids get a lot of rules about friendships, but there are also lots of unwritten rules that there aren’t absolutes about
What were Aristotle’s beliefs on friendship?
- He talked about 3 different types
1) Friends of pleasure (bowling buddies according to Darcy)
→ they make you feel good, you have fun
2) Friends of utility
→ with them but it’s because they can give you smt
→ p.ex: friend with a car
3) Deep reciprocal friendship
where you really want the best for the other person
→ sometimes, it feels amazing to be in this type of relationship, but not all the time, p.ex: if they’re in a bad situation and you need to tell them which might lead to conflict or you suffer when they suffer
→ aristotle thought you were lucky if you even have one friend in this category
What are 2 examples of schemas of friendships and relationships?
Friendships and relationships like clay or like a plant (schemas of relationships)
→ clay: you mold it, build it the way you want it
→ plant: it grows and both people nourish it, but you can kill it also
- A lot of parents find themselves as a carpenter, they’re shaping the kid, when in reality that relationship between parent-child is like a plant
→ a lot of being a parent is like a gardener, you don’t know what it’s gonna turn into but you help the plant grow and see what happens
What are the 5 elements of the scales used to help put friendships and relationships in perspective for teens?
1) Know: how much do you know them?
2) Trust: how much do you trust them?
3) Rely: can you rely on them?
4) Commit: are you committed to them and vice versa?
5) Touch
Elaborate on the knowing scale.
Know: how long have you known this person you’re hanging out with? How well do you think you know them?
- People make high assumptions of knowledge at the beginning, but once you spend more time with them and get to know them better, you see how different they really are
- How do you get to know someone?
→ talk, get to know them in a different context, “trauma-bond” (on a small scale like watching a horror movie), after an argument you know them more, learn their values, what’s important to them, negotiating boundaries
- The knowledge we have of ourselves is even still limited
Elaborate on the trust scale.
Trust: where do you start in trusting someone?
- What is trust? Being able to rely on someone, letting go of control, etc.
- What moves a trust rating up and down?
→ thoughtful gestures, knowing that they’ll come through if you rely on them
- The higher up your knowledge slider goes, it will have an effect on the trusting scale
→ p.ex: the higher your know scale goes, it’s possible the trust scale goes up or down and vice versa
- It’s difficult to navigate who you can trust
- Trust is a lot of intercepting dimensions
→ trusting someone to show up on time; trusting someone to keep secrets; to treat me respectfully, etc.
→ there are lots of elements, and these elements can also be rated to see if they matter more than others – this is the trust star, and everyone has one of these
Elaborate on the rely scale.
Rely: this means that you have needs (emotional, physical), and we rely on other people to fulfill those needs
- p.ex: if someone is making meals for you, you’re relying on them for this; if you’re financially dependant on them; emotionally dependent
- If reliance scale was high, and trust scale was low, you would always feel anxious
Elaborate on the commitment scale.
Commitment: sticking with someone when things get hard
→ buying a cat together is a big commitment, or even a shared car or assets, living together, making agreements about what the boundaries of a relationship are
→ sometimes we aren’t aware of these things being a form of commitment
Elaborate on the touch scale
Touch: this varies by relationship and can be more or less pronounced
→ we have to make decisions about touch in relationships
How do the 5 slides scales interact with each other?
- If one of these sliders is high, especially from trust onward, it’s as if they are all feeling high
→ the highest slider often determines the feeling of intimacy in a relationship
→ so the intimacy can feel high, but that doesn’t mean that all the sliders are high in a relationship
→ p.ex: “i feel intimate in this relationship, but i also often feel very anxious”
→ maybe one of the sliders that’s important to you is too low
→ 2 sets of sliders in a relationship (both people), so they might not be fitting the same way
What do we tell kids about trust and what they should share?
- It really depends on the context of the relationships, the people involved, if you would want to know what’s being said, etc.
- It’s difficult, because the more sensitive a topic is the more likely you are to keep it to yourself, but you’re likely to need to talk to someone about it more
- A very powerful way to create a sense of trust is to speak poorly about another person
- Kids are trying to figure out these rules all the time
- Sharing a big secret creates a sense of intimacy, because it pushes the knowledge slider higher BUT it’s not always good
→ it also pulls for reciprocity and makes you want to share more, but is the trust there for this reciprocity
What is an analogy we can use to explain what we share with others and what we don’t share?
- An analogy for this is a wound vs a scar
→ when at a party, you wouldn’t show an open wound because people would react a certain way and feel concerned, but a scar can be cool to show sometimes, the reactions are more predictable
True or false: Any gossip is bad.
False: positive gossip is very powerful
→ p.ex: “I thought you gave a great presentation” vs “this person told me you gave a great presentation” – this second version seems more honest and real, because it was said without that person present
What is the method “play the tape forward”?
- The idea that, if someone’s telling you what they’re doing and you think that the behaviour is dangerous (and the righting reflex is strong and you want to fix it for them), you fast forward the tape for them so that it’s easier for them to make their own choice
→ it’s a non direct way of helping someone - p.ex: a teen who discloses that she’s in emotional pain but she found that taking tylenol would make her feel better, but she was taking a lot of it – for her, playing the tape forward shows her that the tylenol may help right now, but if we fast forward it to 2 weeks, there could be real damage done
- p.ex: having unprotected sex frequently, playing the tape forward for them and saying “it’s very likely that the next time I see you, you’ll be pregnant” and it gives them more perspective, especially with teens who might not be looking ahead the way an adult would
How do we address the question “how can i support my friend?”
- Teens are more likely to go to their peers than their parents often, so it’s important for them to know how to help
- You can be a shoulder to cry on but to also set a boundary to make sure it doesn’t escalate too heavily
- One thing to do is come up with a list of things that you could do to help that other person, that also doesn’t destroy you
→ p.ex: watch a movie together, go for a drive, listen to music, encourage them to talk to their parents about it, etc.
How can parents match freedom to development?
- When do you let kids stay out late, what are the boundaries about that, who are they allowed to come back home with or do you pick them up yourself, etc.
- This all really depends on the kid, where they are in their development, the context of where you live
- The general guideline is to match their freedom to their level of development
→ if there’s things they want but they can’t have yet, they can make a freedom wish list
→ that way the parent can make decisions of giving them part of that freedom
What is a kernel in bad behaviour?
- Even really negative experiences can have a kernel of good hope
→ p.ex: a teenager who comes home drunk, while the behaviour is unacceptable, the teen is also experiencing new things, jumping into their curiosity and exploring new social situations (kernel)
What is one thing parents should remember beyond the realm of their behaviour?
Remember their core goodness
What are some important opposites to balance?
- Accepting reality AND working to change it
- Working AND resting
- Problem solving AND problem acceptance
- Trust AND suspicion
What are examples of opposite sides that can both be true?
- At times you need to both control AND tolerate your emotions
- The day can be sunny AND it can rain
- You are tough AND you are gentle
- You can have a disagreement with someone AND still be friends
